Panorama (49 page)

Josef stammers that Herr Dr. Horn appears to have misunderstood him, he has not yet really started work, and he doesn’t want to stand around talking, but rather work, though he still has not had a chance to do so, and besides, he was only trying to help, and he had spent no time talking to anyone, though he can’t help it when he hears about the history of the center everywhere he goes. Josef is also not a nihilist, and doesn’t understand these unjust assertions, for he doesn’t pay attention to gossip, and certainly not to questionable stories, as he still believes in ideals, though he also knows that it’s hard to do so these days, but nonetheless he is happy to start on the lowest rung and not shirk any work, but his goodwill should not be so relentlessly questioned on his first day, never mind the fact that it’s actually the day before his first day, though to demonstrate his real attitude, Josef wants to know more about what the matter with the epidiascope involves. Dr. Horn explains that Herr Schuster, who usually runs the epidiascope, is sick today, which means that it has to do with a film projector, but had Josef never run one? Josef has to admit that he has also never run a projector, though he’d very much like to learn how, to which Dr. Horn replies, yes, to apply for a position, any dummy can do that, but before you get a job all you need is to get a doctorate, which any ass can do these days, though still you have to learn something even when it involves the most modest of knowledge, such as opening doors, ushering people to their seats, carrying chairs, working the lights, or to find your way around a projector. Otherwise there’s
a kind of thievery involved with letting yourself be hired by the Cultural Center by warmhearted Professor Rumpler as a result of the blackmail of recommendations, and then to ask, please, show me this, explain to me that. Indeed, Dr. Horn wants to know what the young philosopher thinks he
can
do here, for he should kindly consider that and show up tomorrow with precise suggestions, written out, for the Professor had asked Dr. Horn for a report, and it’s not Dr. Horn’s job to break his back over it. Josef suggests that someone still needs to orientate him, since he has no key, no desk, no writing pad, he hardly knows his way around the building, and he has no job description. Dr. Horn then turns the tables on him, saying that since Josef is the one who applied for the job he also has to have services to offer, otherwise he is of no use, nor will there be any instruction for just standing around and watching others work. Then there’s a knock at the door, as Michel stands there and says, “Excuse me, Herr Dr. Horn, your wife is here.” The Secretary dismisses Josef with the advice to search his thoughts and to heed his well-intentioned counsel to work hard at his humble duties or disappear.

Josef stands abashed for a while in the office, everyone else busy around him, then he gets up the courage to approach Fräulein Grenadier and asks whether he can be of help to her. She asks him with a smile in return why he wants to help, for he can of course help her with sorting the mail, but first she’d have to explain in what order to put the letters, and therefore she doesn’t know how he can be of help. Then Josef offers to help Herr Schrimpl, but he says that he’s right now working on matters for the staff meeting, and Josef should take his time and go easy, within two or three weeks of starting at the Cultural Center he’ll be up to his neck in work, so he should just go down and watch the film that’s on, if he hasn’t seen it already. Josef then wants to see what work there might be in the office, but Fräulein Weinstock snaps, “Please don’t bother me! If the Professor sees us, he’ll throw us both out!” Josef should either follow Schrimpl around or, better yet, go away, but Dr. Horn’s advice still eats at him, he has to make himself useful, so he enters the business office and offers to help Herr Krupka, who actually takes him up on the offer, as he opens a cupboard and gives Josef two blocks of tickets for the large auditorium and explains how to stamp them with the date and the different prices by pressing the stamp
only so hard and not smear them, so that Frau Lawetzer can read everything, otherwise she’ll constantly be calling up to ask what the real price of the tickets is.

As soon as Josef understands everything he is ready to start, but Krupka says that no strangers are allowed to sit in the business office, for if the old man finds out all hell will break loose, so Josef has to work in the main office, but wherever he tries to sit down someone says not here, only Fräulein Maus is willing to make some room between her spot and Schrimpl’s desk, but Schrimpl protests, “Fräulein Maus, that won’t work. Dr. Kramer cannot sit here. I need room. He should sit at Klinger’s desk if he’s not here at the moment.” So Josef sits at Klinger’s desk, but hardly has he done so when Herr Klinger shows up and is perturbed by the uninvited guest, saying, “My desk is not a café table where anyone can take his favorite seat.” Then they decide to send Josef into the foyer, where at the moment there are no lights on, since there are no visitors, only Michel, who sits at his desk in the dark and dozes, though Schrimpl turns on the dim lights and calls, “Hey, Michel! Wake up! Herr Dr. Kramer needs to sit here! You need to make room!” The boy stands up, drunk with sleep and wobbly, and makes room for Josef, who then begins to stamp the tickets. Michel looks on for a while and asks whether he will always be doing this and therefore sitting here, the latter answering somewhat uncertainly that he doesn’t think so, after which Michel excuses himself, but he has to step out, he’ll be right back, but Josef should open the door if someone rings, though he shouldn’t let anyone into the office, there are no visiting hours now, but if it’s urgent here is a form to fill out and a pencil.

Michel is not gone long before someone rings, as Josef opens the door and an old woman walks in, replying to his inquiry as to what she wants by saying, “I am Frau Michalik.” When Josef repeats his question, she takes from her purse a small bag, from which she fishes out a colorful bonbon and lays it on the table. “I must see Professor Rapp, he is expecting me.” Josef says she must mean Professor Rumpler, but he is unfortunately not in the building. Then Frau Michalik shoves the bonbon even more pointedly toward Josef, though she looks away at the same time in order to diminish the theatricality of her gesture. “I am here because of the radio. Professor Rapp promised me a spot last year, you know so, you were there.” Josef explains
that she must be mistaken, but she protests with a whine: “You’re not being honest with me. Back then Professor Rapp called to you when I was with him. And he said to you, Frau Michalik is my friend, write it down, next month a talk for the radio as part of the series ‘Classical Witnesses!’ ” Josef responds that he knows nothing about it, but she doesn’t let up. “You know who I am. You often dealt with me. You promised me that my talk would soon happen.” Frau Michalik shoves another bonbon toward Josef. “So don’t make any excuses! My talk is wonderful. Professor Rapp was delighted. I read the talk to him. He thought it very concentrated, but ever since no one has let me in to see Professor Rapp. I have to speak with him now. I’m not budging an inch until I have spoken with him. I’ll even stay here overnight.” Josef suggests to Frau Michalik that she should fill out an application for Herr Dr. Horn, or perhaps for Herr Schrimpl, who probably has copies of radio talks, but Frau Michalik replies, “The Cultural Center is plotting against me. No one wants to speak with me. I’m a good and respectable woman, I don’t take no for an answer, I won’t stand for it. I was given a solemn promise about doing the talk. Two years ago I offered to read stories about animals. Such tales are good for young people, they prevent bad things happening. If you don’t take care of animals, they become mean and nasty. The love of others can start when you first love animals, otherwise love only comes from your stomach. From that there also results many bad marriages. If there were more good marriages, people would be surprised how quickly hate would disappear and war, for then Czechs would marry Germans and Jews would marry Christians. I have suggested a statute through the Ministry of the Interior that establishes a society for mixed marriages between enemy nations, religions, and races. But they also never answered me. I have always believed that the Cultural Center is the right place for such a society. But politically one has to involve all the parties, which is what Parliament is for. But I sent you my animal stories so that I can read them on the radio. Now I finally want an answer, not to mention that I also insist on doing the talk for ‘Classical Witnesses!’ that I was solemnly promised. I have to do it. It would be best if it were on after the morning workout, then everyone will be fresh and alert. Everyone will listen in. Professor Rapp was impressed by the talk, I have taken beautiful passages from recent writers about innocent animals—
Maja’s Bees
by Bonsel,
Salten’s
Bambi
is also included.” Josef tries in vain to fend off the woman’s onslaught, saying that she should talk with Herr Schrimpl or Dr. Horn, but she shouts, “Dr. Horn is a criminal! I don’t want to see him! He upset me and treated me like dirt!”

There is another ring, and as Josef opens the door he can’t stop Frau Michalik from running into the main office. The new visitor is a heavy man, well dressed, wearing strong cologne, as he sits right down and says his name is Schebesta, and that he was here earlier today, around nine o’clock, no one was here, no one opened the door, nor did he wish to disturb anyone in the administration, but he had a meager request, but which is quite important, he having visited many editors already, though no one had time for him, the newspapers thinking only about politics, sports, and criminals, scientific sensations getting short shrift, even the academy not having the proper understanding, as there they continue to employ ancient methods, Schebesta pulling a bulky manuscript from his briefcase as he says, “Look here, this is my new method, I came up with it all by myself. As you know, none of the experts in the field have had any success, despite diligent effort, in raising fungi from seed. Only mushrooms can be grown. But with my method one can cultivate the spores of any fungus and let them thrive. One can also grow any of the poisonous sorts, which I am especially pleased with. After the seeds have been planted, you lay a piece of blotting paper over them that is soaked with salt and important nutrients. All of it is water-soluable. The chemical configuration is sound, and completely original, but it has to remain a secret. According to a schedule which I have calculated exactly, after two days the paper is watered with regular water so that all the nutrients in the paper dissolve. Then you take away the paper, and the fungi begin to sprout. The economic benefit of my invention is obvious, and I can explain it in greater detail if you wish. You can appreciate, however, that with this method you can grow fresh fungi in the middle of an industrial district. I believe the best thing would be for you to take my manuscript and give it to the proper individual to read. The Cultural Center could then spread the word about the advantages of growing fungi artificially and profit from it, my recommendation being that your share should be fifty percent.”

Before Josef can say a word, the door to the main office opens, as Schrimpl vigorously pushes Frau Michalik out ahead of him and yells, “You
can’t just barge in here, Frau Michalik! Michel, you should … Where is Michel?” Frau Michalik is insulted, and says, “This is an outrage! I must speak with Professor Rapp!” Josef explains Michel’s absence and the reason that the woman succeeded at pressing her way in, at which Schrimpl again yells, “There’s nothing for you here! How often do you need to be told that it’s forbidden to enter? You will get a written notice when it’s time for your talk. Now just go!” More people enter the foyer, as Frau Michalik begins to rant that she wants her animal tales back, it’s a den of thieves that has to be escaped. The noise upsets Schebesta, who calls out in the midst of it that he’s not at fault, he only wanted to report about his discovery of how to raise fungi, even poisonous ones, though Frau Michalik doesn’t understand, she doesn’t know anything about fungi, she can’t eat them, but Schebesta explains that fungi are healthy, the poisonous ones are only for display in gardens, one will no longer have to go into the woods in order to marvel at the fly agaric, for people used to place artificial reproductions of them in gardens, and now that will no longer be necessary once anyone can raise his own fly agaric. And when Fräulein Auer comes up, wearing a pendant that has a fly agaric mushroom on it, Schebesta points to it and says, “There, look! The woman is wearing a reproduction of a fly agaric! That’s now outmoded, she can have fresh ones every day. She can have the real thing!”

Because of the ruckus, Dr. Horn steps in, Frau Michalik lunging toward him as she lets loose: “It’s all your fault! You told them that I’m not quite right!” Horn wants to know what’s wrong, it’s like a madhouse in here, he can’t even talk on the telephone in his own office, and the Professor will be back from the radio station soon, so no one should leave, everyone needs to get ready for the staff meeting, yet Frau Michalik bursts out, “To hell with your staff meeting! At last Professor Rapp is on his way, that’s good! I have time, I’m not budging an inch from my spot!” Schrimpl tries to mildly push Michalik toward the stairs, but she stands her ground and screams, “Violence! You’re hurting me! An innocent soul is being harmed!” The doors stand open, more and more people visible whom Josef doesn’t know, a man saying he is supposed to be giving a talk today in the large auditorium, where should he put his coat? Michel, who finally is back, should show him where. An older woman wants to know, “How can that be? Today’s paper says that a lecture on ‘Chemistry in the Kitchen’ is supposed to be given by
Marietta Stolz in Classroom 2. And why doesn’t anyone know whether there’s supposed to be a lecture, and where?”

Then Herr Rosensaft introduces himself, saying that he’s supposed to speak about “Walking Tours of Naples,” but he was just in the small auditorium and the epidiascope is not there, just a projector, but he needs an epidiascope, because he has photo transparencies, not slides, which he told them beforehand, yet Horn explains, “Certainly, Herr Rosensaft. But the man who runs the epidiascope is sick. I’m sorry, there’s nothing that can be done.” Herr Rosensaft yells, “This is a scandal! The entire gist of my lecture will be lost if I don’t show my photos! You people have to make things right, or I’m not speaking!” Horn replies, “Calm down! It all depends on the lecture. Whoever talks about a landscape in a captivating manner does a far better job than any picture in rolling out a panorama before our eyes.”—“This is the last lecture I’ll ever do here! Twenty percent of the gross! No one pays as shabbily as does Rumpler! I must have the epidiascope! I need those pictures!” Saybusch then joins in to say, “Herr Dr. Horn, if you can pay me, I can run the epi.” Horn is outraged, saying that if Saybusch can work it he simply needs to do so, but Saybusch responds that he doesn’t have to, and no one can make him, for though he’d like to help, it would mean taking time from his time off, and that’s not part of the usual overtime allowance, but Horn explains, “For talks on geography hardly anyone shows. There’s no way that you can be paid for it, Saybusch. The lecture will take place without any pictures.” Rosensaft gets excited, saying, “What do you mean that geography talks don’t draw? In Graz the hall was packed. In Brno I had to deliver this talk three times, and twice in Reichenberg. If it doesn’t draw, it’s your fault, because you’ve handled things badly. I only saw four lines about it in the newspaper. You haven’t done enough ads and haven’t quoted any of my text.” Horn counters that the Cultural Center could never support its program through the kind of advertising that Herr Rosensaft is demanding, not even Sven Hedin had been so prominently promoted, but Rosensaft complains that everything has already been bungled, now it’s too late, and he needs the epidiascope, otherwise there will be no lecture, but Dr. Horn then threatens, “If you’re talking about bailing out, then that means breaking your contract, and you are answerable and accountable for that. Be reasonable. Otherwise you will pay the price, that I
guarantee you.”—“You can’t nail me with breaking the contract! What are you thinking? I can hold
you
accountable and show you in black and white where it says that you are to provide me with an epidiascope.” Frau Michalik then jumps in, saying, “Just you wait, you swindler! Just you wait! Professor Rapp will be here any minute. We all have a bone to pick with him. It’s simply unheard of how things are run around here!” Saybusch offers to set up the epidiascope for Rosensaft and to take over the running of it, but only for a fee. Rosensaft won’t consider it, though, and stands on his rights, unwilling to pay any peon for what he is already due. Saybusch shrugs and repeats that he has to get something, either from the Cultural Center or from Herr Rosensaft, otherwise he doesn’t want any part of it.