Paper Dolls (21 page)

He nodded. “Do you remember the day we first saw each other?”

I did. He had been coming out of the Mirage Falls convenience store with a map in his hands and he’d stopped dead when he saw me. I had never seen him before so I just ignored him even as he continued to stare.

“You shone to me. Just like my angel did. But I could also see you had your own demons to fight. I knew that you were someone who understood darkness. I knew that if anyone could accept me for everything that I am, you could. You could love me despite my illness.” He gripped me. “You are my Northern Star. If I lost you, I’d lose myself.”

“You won’t lose me.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“You won’t lose me,” I repeated, more firmly.

He leaned his forehead against mine. “I love you so much. I’m terrified of losing you. Like I lost…everyone else.” I flinched at the pain in his voice. His fingers came up to brush my cheeks. “I’m afraid that you’ll leave me. Like…like you almost left with Salem.”

My stomach stabbed with guilt. Would I ever not feel guilty about the other when I was with either Salem or Clay? “I’m not leaving.”

“If you left…I don’t know whether I would have the strength to keep myself together. I would rather just go off the meds and believe that you were still here with me. I’d rather live with that delusion than without you at all.”

“Clay, I said I’m not leaving you.”

He pulled back. “Promise me you’ll never leave me. Promise me.”

“I promise.”

He stared at me, his eyes fixed intensely on mine. “Remember this promise, Aria Adams. One day, you may be forced to keep it.”

* * *

“I’m still not sure why I have to come with you to therapy.”

“Aria.” Clay paused right outside the office of Dr Bing PhD, PsyD, EdD. MD. Any more letters and she’d have an alphabet behind her name. “Don’t take this the wrong way.”

“Okay,” I said slowly. Whatever he was about to say I knew I wouldn’t like.

“Sometimes the ones we love are the ones that can stop us from healing the most. Because the ones we love, love us for who we are, exactly who we are. We don’t need to change to keep their love, even if we need to change to become better. Does this make any sense?”

“You’re telling me that I’m bad for you.”

“No. But you could be. But if you come with me to see Dr Bing, she can make sure that we remain good for each other.” He squeezed my hand. “Sometimes we can’t face things alone. We need help, professional help, and this doesn’t make us weak. It makes us strong to admit it, okay?”

I let go of the breath I was holding. I was being silly. Clay was the one who had to struggle with this disease every day.

I hated doctors. I hated waiting rooms. I hated the stupid fluorescent lights they all seemed to insist on using. I hated it all. But I would go to see this Dr Bing if it would help Clay.

We didn’t have to wait long in the waiting room. A woman walked out and introduced herself as Dr Bing. She was gorgeous in an exotic way, perfectly straight ebony hair, smooth olive skin kissed by the sun, and a tiny, petite figure.

For a second, I felt like someone had chopped their hand to the front of my throat. She was gorgeous. Had Clay ever slept with her? Had he ever wanted to? Did she want to sleep with him?

Don’t be ridiculous, Aria.

“Please come in.” Dr Bing’s voice broke through my thoughts. She directed us to sit on a couch in her room, while she sat in an armchair. Her office didn’t look like what I expected it to. There was no desk with cold chairs in front of it. It was like someone’s living room with a shelf of well-used books and green plants amongst the warm cherry wood furniture.

“Do you know why Clay has asked you to join us here?”

I realised she was speaking to me. “So I can help him?”

She nodded. “It’s important that the people close to him understand his illness and know the best ways to help him manage it.”

“I want to help. I’d do anything to help him.”

She smiled. “You care about him.”

“Very much.”

“Good. It can be a challenging thing to love with someone who has a mental illness. It can test the strength of your bond, of your commitment to them.”

“I’m here. I’m committed.”

Clay slipped his hand over mine and squeezed.

“Okay, let’s talk about schizophrenia, what it is, what it isn’t, and how you can help Clay if he starts to relapse…”

At the end of the session my head was spinning. Dr Bing had spent most of the session talking to me, Clay just sitting silently beside me, holding my hand. I tried to push away the small nagging worry that I might not be able to handle it if Clay were to relapse.

“How are you feeling?” Dr Bing asked me as she showed us to the door.

“I’m okay.”

“It’s a lot to take in.” She slipped a card in my hand. “If you have any questions you can always call me.”

I felt weird taking her card but I slipped it in my bag anyway.

“I’ll see you next time, Aria.” Dr Bing closed the door behind her before I could say anything.

“Next time?” I turned to Clay. “Why would I have to come back next time?”

He grabbed my hand. “I’d like you to come, at least for a few sessions. Is that okay?”

“Yeah…I guess so.”

* * *

I arrived home that evening to find Salem on our bed lying on her stomach and reading a magazine. Clay’s admissions echoed in my mind and my blood began to shimmer.
I’ve caught her following me before. She promised me that she wouldn’t stop until she took you away from me.
I stormed into the bedroom.

“Oh hey, sis.”

“Where the hell have you been?”

“Nice to see you too, Rosey.” Salem rolled her eyes like a truant teenager would. “I’ve been out.”

Everything began to bubble over. My vision began to shake and my hands clenched into fists by my side. “Damn you. I’m your sister and you live here with me in my apartment. The very least you could do is to have the common decency to let me know where you’re going and when you’ll be back so I don’t kill myself worrying.”

She snorted. “You and loverboy didn’t seem to be worrying much earlier.”

I blinked, my mind stuttering. She couldn’t have… “Were you following us?”

“No.”

“You liar. I know you’ve been following him. That’s stalking, Salem.”

Salem shoved the magazine away and rolled out of the bed so she was standing toe to toe with me. I stood my ground. “You don’t know where he goes when he’s not with you.”

“I trust him.”

“You’re naïve and stupid. Like always. I’m just trying to save your ass. Again.”

“Jesus Christ.” I rubbed my face with my hands. She couldn’t see how ridiculous, how insane she was being. “I know that you threatened him.”

“I’m protecting you. He’s lying to you. He’s bad for you.”

“Stop it, Salem. Just stop it.”

“You don’t know. You don’t know what he’s hiding.”

“I know. He told me everything.”

Her mouth flew open in horror and she stumbled back. “No. He can’t have… How are you still…?” Then her eyes narrowed. “What did he tell you, exactly?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“You don’t know anything about him. I’m your sister, your blood, and you’d take sides with some guy over me?”

“Don’t try and guilt me.”

“It’s true, isn’t it?”

“Truth? You want to talk truth? You’re just jealous. You hate that I’m not your poor pathetic little Rosey who needs big brave Salem to look after her anymore. You hate that I have a life that doesn’t revolve around
you
. And you hate that I don’t
need
you anymore.”

Salem’s mouth pinched into a pale line. “I’m just trying to protect you. To do what’s right for you.”

I roared and my hands flew up, making a strangling motion. If I reached out just a little bit more I could have my hands around her stupid neck.

Salem’s eyes narrowed at me. “You going to try and kill me too?” She lifted her chin so her neck was exposed to me. “Go on, then.”

I stumbling back, gasping for air. I couldn’t be here another second longer. I wrenched my hands away, spun and ran out of the apartment, the front door slamming behind me.

* * *

I stood on the sidewalk a few blocks from my apartment staring into space. I barely noticed as Clay’s Mustang pulled up. I hadn’t taken my car keys when I’d run out of the house. Luckily I still had my purse slung over my shoulder with my mobile in it so I could call Clay. The summer storm was going full throttle, the large drops of cool rain running down my arms and soaking through my hair and clothes. I didn’t have the energy to move yet. It was like everything in my brain was going in slow motion.

“Aria?” Clay called over the crack of thunder. The following flash of lightning lit him up, separating his face into light and shadows of concern as he ran to me. His arms wrapped around me and I fell against him. I closed my eyes and let his presence wash over me, calming me, bringing me back to life. I felt his lips on my forehead.

“I’m sorry to drag you out here.”

He shushed into my hair. “I’m glad you called me. Come on. Let’s get you somewhere dry.”

Clay drove me to his apartment. He kept his arm around me as he led me from the parking garage and into the elevator. He had thought to bring a towel, which he wrapped around my shoulders.

My curiosity over being at his place for the very first time overruled most of the turbulent emotions left over from my fight with Salem and at least for now, made me forget about my problems. He lived on the top floor of a five-level block of new apartments, a small gym on the ground floor. The marble flooring and stylish mirrors along the white walls oozed modern comfort.

He unlocked his front door, number 501, and pushed it open.

Clay flicked on the light and let me step in. It was stunning. An open plan apartment with floor-to-ceiling glass encasing it, a large wrap-around balcony going around the spacious living area, white and black leather furniture, and a view over the lights of Mirage Falls partly hidden by the steady drops of rain from the passing storm. A large moon shone in through the glass. “Wow,” I breathed. “This place is incredible. How do you…?” I stopped myself mid-sentence. It was none of my business.

“How do I afford it?”

I nodded feebly. He’d caught me out. “You don’t have to answer. It wasn’t right for me to ask.”

“It’s fine. My parents had money. When my mother was hospitalised my father just left everything and disappeared. I was made trustee over everything.”

My heart panged. I couldn’t imagine being made to look after his mother at the age of eighteen. I’d only just started feeling like I could look after myself. “I can’t believe he just left.”

“He just couldn’t take having to look after her, I guess. At least he left us with most of the money. Out of guilt, I suppose.”

“Where is he now?”

Clay shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t even know if he’s alive.”

“I’m sorry.”

He let out a gentle laugh. “You don’t have to be sorry for everything bad that’s ever happened to me. My situation could have been worse, much worse. Money doesn’t solve your problems but it makes dealing with them easier. Because of the money I can afford twenty-four-hour care for her. She can remain at home instead of in a facility.”

“That’s so incredible that you can look at it that way.”

He frowned. “I didn’t always feel so lucky, trust me. I had my own fair share of feeling sorry for myself. Happiness can’t shape you, only the things that leave scars do.”

I nodded, understanding exactly what he was saying.

“Besides, if I wasn’t in such a dark place, I wouldn’t have met you.” His eyes darted to me as if my reaction to his words was important.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” he said slowly, “if I hadn’t been going through a dark moment, I wouldn’t have gone for a drive, a long drive, I wouldn’t have stopped in Mirage Falls and I never would have seen you, walking down the main street at dawn looking like an angel with the sun in your hair.”

I smiled at his words, recalling that day.

His face softened. “Look at me. I’m talking your ear off while you’re standing there soaked and freezing to death.”

He took me by the hand and led me through a door off the living room into the bathroom, all white and chrome with a large shower in the corner.

He slipped his fingers under the edges of the towel and pulled it off my shoulders. That one small movement sent a riot of tingles through my body and I felt frozen to the ground.

His hungry gaze roamed over me. Only then did I realise what I must have looked like to him, my white summer dress soaked and see-through, clinging to my body. I wanted to lift my arms across my chest but I kept them at my side instead. I wanted him to see me.

“You can,” his voice came out croaky. He cleared his throat and tried again. “You can have a shower if you like. Use the new towel over the hanger. This one’s soaked.”

“Thanks,” I said, my voice a mere whisper. The rain had made my skin cool and clammy but under his gaze, I felt like I was standing near a fire.

He shook himself. “Right. I’ll go now. Give you some privacy.”

“You can stay…if you want.” I don’t know where this boldness came from.

He flinched and his lids fluttered shut. “I…” He inhaled deeply and let it all out before opening his eyes. He wouldn’t meet my gaze. “I’ll find something for you to wear.”

I tried not to feel rejected as he closed the bathroom door, leaving me standing there alone. But I knew his reasons. I could be patient.

I stood under the hot water for longer than I needed to, my mind ticking over what would happen next, nervous because I was at Clay’s place for the first time. Was there protocol for this kind of thing? A list of dos and don’ts? A manual? Maybe I should have looked this up. But I hadn’t planned on having a fight with Salem. I hadn’t planned on staying here.