Parly Road: The Glasgow Chronicles 1 (37 page)

  “Dae ye think Ah’d be in wae a shout then?”

  “Probably, bit ye’d need tae get her oan her lonesome and no tell her ye’re married. If Sally caught ye, ye’d be walking aboot wearing they baw-bag ae yours as ear mufflers.”

  “Aye, well, Crisscross...ye know me. Where there’s danger, that’s where Ah’ll be. Right, that’s yer Sally and the wee plump Christian thing aff oan the trot. Put this thing intae gear and we’ll hiv a wee shifty roond aboot tae see if we kin see any ae they wee bed-shiting shitehooses. Turn left up Parly Road here and slow doon when ye get tae yer Sally and ma new girlfriend. Ah want a wee shifty ae that never-been-kissed arse ae hers oan the way by.”

  “Ah cannae bloody staun that pontificating cow.”

  “Aye, well, Ah widnae worry, Helen.  Ye won’t need tae dae any explaining when yer time comes.”

  “Maw, don’t you start noo.”

  “Sorry, hen. See, that’s whit happens when ye’re accosted by they do-gooders in the street, when ye’re gaun aboot yer business. Ah always come oot wae that kind ae shite fur aboot a day or so efterwards, every time Ah speak tae them. That da ae yours is the same. He wis nearly convinced tae go back tae mass wan time until he found oot the two men at the door wur really selling encyclopaedias.”

  “Right, change the tune. Ye wur saying that Ah’ve no tae come roond tae yours oan Saturday noo that ye’ve goat a lift organised, is that right?”

  “Aye.”

  “Wan ae the new immigrant families up in Grafton Square his a warrant sale coming up oan Friday. Her man wis lost at sea when he wis heiding hame fae tying up aw their loose ends.  Sherbet telt me and Ah goat him tae take me roond tae see her. Nice wee lassie wae five weans. Took me ages tae persuade her tae challenge it. That JP is bloody useless, so he is. He agrees wae me that she’s goat a good case tae appeal it, bit he cannae dae anything aboot it before Friday, or so he says. Me and aw the lassies ur planning a reception committee fur the Sheriff officers, so we ur.”

  “Well, watch oot ye don’t get arrested and slung intae the clink. They tell me the seats fur Saturday night ur like gold dust.  We’ll keep yersel and Jimmy a seat beside us, bit ye’ll need tae be doon there pretty pronto, so youse will.”

  “Oh, oh!”

  “Whit?”

  “It’s Dixon ae Dock Green wae that squinty-eyed beaver wan. They’ve jist pulled oot ae Lister Street.”

  “They’re no heiding oor way, ur they?”

  “They bloody better no be. Ah’m jist in the right mood fur a fight wae they eejits. Ah’m still beeling efter whit they did tae Johnboy and his pals, the basturts. They didnae even gie them a cup ae water tae drink. Ah wish Ah could afford a lawyer. Ah’d sue the arses aff ae the lot ae them.”

  “Whit ur they daeing noo?”  her maw gasped, the fear evident in her voice.

  “They’ve jist driven by us…didnae even gie us a second glance.”

  “Ye’ll hiv tae watch oot, Helen, hen. They’ll end up slinging you in the jail, if ye keep annoying them.”

  “Right, Maw, Ah’m offskie. Ah’ll see ye oan Saturday.”

  “Bye, hen.”

Chapter Forty Five

  Johnboy hid never been in Flypast’s dookit, even though it wis jist oot the back fae his hoose, in the next close doon. Sometimes Johnboy wid open the kitchen windae and sit up oan the draining board wae his feet resting in the sink, looking oot at Flypast’s doos taking aff and landing oan the board.  Johnboy and his maw used tae cackle like a pair ae hyenas when they’d see Flypast staunin oot in the middle ae their back court, trying tae get his doos aff the surrounding roofs. He’d be clicking his fingers at the same time as chatting soothingly in a lassie’s sing-song voice, “Hoot ‘n’ nanny baby, hoot ‘n’ nanny baby, there’s a good girl,” or “boy,” depending oan whether it wis a doo or a hen. Although it wis amusing tae watch, Johnboy knew, even then, that Flypast knew exactly whit he wis daeing.  He’d watch the doo or hen move closer and closer tae Flypast, alang the roof and then aw ae a sudden, it wid take aff and float doon oan tae his landing board. The sound ae air swishing through the doo’s flapping wings as it slowed doon before settling oan tae the board wis amazing. By this time, Flypast wid’ve awready sussed oot whit wis aboot tae happen and wid’ve shot back intae his wee cabin up oan tap ae the midden, waiting tae snap up the hood oan the landing board tae catch it wance it landed. Every other week he’d see Flypast wae different guys, maistly oan their ain, staunin oot the back, watching whit wis gaun oan. Noo that Johnboy hid met them and knew who they wur, he realised that sometimes this included wan ae the Murphys…usually Danny…the comedian wan who’d wanted tae chuck them oot ae the cabin when Tony wis negotiating a good price oan it.

  Johnboy wis jist staunin at the sink, scraping aff the black burnt bits ae his toast, when he heard a whistle. Even though it wis bright and sunny ootside, he still managed tae clock his maw’s heid shooting up, reflected in the windae pane, fae where she wis sitting behind him.

  “Who’s that?”

  “Ma pal.”

  “Okay, Ah’ll start again. Who’s that?

  “Tony.”

  “Wan ae the wans who goat lifted wae ye at the weekend?”

  “Er, aye.”

  “Whit dis he want?”

  “Me tae go oot and play.”

  “Where ur ye gaun?”

  “Roond tae Flypast’s tae check oot his doos.”

  “Eat yer toast first. He kin wait.”

  “Bit it’s burnt.”

  “It’s always burnt. That’s wan ae ma specialities.”

  “So, ye dae it oan purpose then…burn the toast aw the time?”

  “Naw, Ah’ve always goat something gaun oan in ma heid and Ah get easily distracted.”

  “Like whit?”

  “Like worrying whit the hell ye’re up tae every time ye leave this hoose.”

  “Bit, Ah’m only gaun roond tae Flypast’s.”

  “Johnboy, Ah’m no jist talking aboot the day. Ah’m talking aboot every time ye heid oot ae that door.”

  “Bit nothing’s gonnae happen tae me.”

  “Dae ye know that Ah’ve said a prayer fur ye every single night, before Ah go tae sleep, ever since the day ye wur born?”

  “Jist fur me?”

  “Naw, Ah include yer sisters and brother as well.”

  “Ah thought ye telt me that God wis made up by some rich king or queen tae keep the smellies like us doon?”

  “Aye, Ah did.”

  “So, who ur ye praying tae every night then?”

  “Ah really don’t know,” she murmured tae hersel, gazing at the sky through the tap windae pane.

  “Here ye go, catch!” Johnboy said tae Tony, slinging him a slice.

  “Burnt toast?  Lovely!  Ma maw’s favourite recipe.”

  “O’er the wall or oot and roond the closes?”

  “O’er the wall.”

  They sat oan tap ae the wall, munching, as they watched Flypast through the open cabin door until he turned roond and clocked them.

  “Awright, boys? In ye come.”

  His cabin space wis aboot a quarter ae the size ae the boys’ new wan bit wis set oot much the same as theirs.  He’d a wee bed cot, covered wae an auld carpet oan wan side, facing the landing board. His nesting boxes wur hauf full ae doos, aw sleeping oan their crops oan the opposite wall fae the door. He’d a wee rocking chair that hid a thick square cushion oan it that hid come fae a bigger chair.  The cushion wis folded and moulded tae the seat and a stripy pillow wis tied oan tae the back ae the chair as a comfy back rest. It wis a right wee cosy set-up. Sitting beside the chair wis a pile ae True Detective magazines.  The tap wan hid a hauf naked wummin oan the cover, looking right feart as a haun reached doon, haudin the rope that wis tied roond her neck.

  “Whit ur they aboot?”

  “True Crimes in America. Bank robberies, kidnappings, prison escapes, FBI, Mafia, rapes, murders, gangsters. Ye name it, it’s aw in there.”

  “Dae ye fancy a swap?” Johnboy asked him.

  “Wae whit?”

  “Ah’ve goat loads ae DC comics. Spiderman, Superman and aw that kind ae stuff.”

  “Naw, Ah’m saving these wans up as a collection.”

  “Ach well, if ye ever change yer mind, ye know where Ah live.”

  “So, whit dae ye think, boys?” Flypast asked wae a wave ae his haun. “Ah’m trying tae build up ma stock again since that eejit Crisscross wrecked ma place. He still hisnae goat back tae me. Ah jist aboot shat masel and hid a heart attack at the same time that day. Ah thought a bomb hid went aff.”

  “Ah think it’s great whit ye’ve goat here, Flypast. Ah’m sorry aboot yer cabin. It wis me that goat grabbed the day that happened.”

  “It wis fuck aw tae dae wae yersel, Johnboy. Don’t ye worry aboot it, son. Listen…take a seat and tell me whit the score is.”

  Tony explained whit they’d goat up tae the day before in sussing oot access tae the Murphys’ loft. Other than mumbling, “Aye, right, fine,” every noo and again, the only time Flypast spoke wis tae offer them a bit ae advice.

  “Ah’d get a rope and tie it roond the waists ae the wans that ur directly oan the roof. It’ll gie ye a bit ae protection if wan ae youse slides aff. That’s whit Hillary and Tenzing did when they climbed Mount Everest.”

  “Naw, it’s too risky.  We don’t want wan ae us dragging the other wan o’er wae him if he skites aff. Apart fae Johnboy, we’re aw used tae running aboot roofs when we’re stripping aff aw the lead sheeting.  Ah cannae believe oor luck wae the party though.”

  “Aye, Ah knew aboot the party. Ah’ve goat an invite masel. Ah used tae supply The Big Man’s da, Bill, wae a lot ae doos before they Murphy wans arrived oan the scene and knocked fuck oot ae me and Skull’s da. They thought they’d put the opposition oot ae the game in wan sweep bit Ah’ve kept oan gaun, despite the basturts. The Big Man’s da’s awright, believe it or no. It’s the son and his gorillas that ur the bad guys aboot here.  Ah wisnae gonnae go, bit Ah will noo. It’ll gie me the perfect alibi because when the shite hits that fan, the whole ae the city’s doo men are gonnae get covered in it.”

  “So, whit’s happening at this end then?” Tony asked.

  “It’s good news. Ah’ve a pal ae a pal fae Kirkintilloch and he’ll take everything ye kin get. He runs a driving school so there’s nae problem picking them up.”

  “How ur we gonnae get aw the doos intae the back ae a Morris eleven hunner, Flypast?  We’re gonnae hiv tae make aboot five or six journeys back and forth across the roof fae the dookit tae the exit loft. We’ll be using the big cardboard egg boxes ye get oot ae Curley’s. Taking the weight ae the doos intae consideration and the fact ae who’s transporting them across the tap ae that roof, Ah reckon we’re talking aboot ten doos tae a box. Anything heavier, and we’ll no be able tae get a good enough balance withoot pitching aff the roof. We cannae depend oan wan ae they randy fuckers no moving aboot in the box, trying tae tread oan a hen while he’s aff oan his holiday.”

  “Naw, Naw, Tony, don’t worry, son. He’s goat a dozen cars working fur him. If we kin tell him the exact time youse will hiv the doos, he’ll be there wae the cars, waiting tae pick them up. Ur ye sure ye’ll get the big boxes through the roof hatches?”

  “Aye, we’ve used them before. The doos will be sliding aboot a bit during that part, bit they’ll be fine. We won’t manage tae slip them between the holar boxes oan the landing board though, so it’ll be a wan-at-a-time job fur whoever’s sitting oan tap ae the landing board holar boxes when Skull hauns them oot.”

  “So, it’s Skull that’ll be in the actual loft then?”

  “No through choice, bit if it isnae him, life won’t be worth living between noo and Saturday. Anyway, he’s skinny as a stick, so there shouldnae be any problem wae him getting in and oot.”

  “Aye, his da wid be proud ae him, taking oan the basturts that gied him the brain damage.”

  “Did ye no get brain damaged as well, Flypast?” Johnboy asked him, blushing.

“Me?  Naw…ma balance is a wee bit aff and Ah get blurred vision every noo and again bit other than that, Ah’m okay. Ah jist make oan that Ah’ve goat brain damage tae keep they Murphy wankers away fae me. If they thought fur a minute that Ah wis compos mentis, Ah wid’ve been deid long before noo. ”

  “Whit dis that mean?” baith boys asked.

  “It means Ah’m okay in the heid.  It’s funny, though…ye want tae hear how some people talk tae me. Some ae they pals ae yer maw’s crack me up, so they dae, Johnboy.  Ah think they think that Ah’m deaf, as well as stupid. That Betty fae next door tae ye spoke tae me the other day in the street.  ‘Aw, look at poor Flypast. Dae-ye-want-a-wee-sweetie-son?’ she asked, mimicking a wean’s voice and haunin me a penny whopper at the same time. Ah screwed ma face up at her as if Ah wis stupid and said back tae her in the same wee voice, ‘Naw, bit any chance ae a wee shag?’ It wis bloody hilarious, so it wis. She turned tae yer maw and said, ‘Aye, he might no be right in the heid, Helen, bit his other brains ur working jist fine by the sounds ae it.’’’

  Efter they’d stoapped laughing, they goat back tae the business in haun.

  “So, whit’s the score wae the money, Flypast?”

  “The price is fine and dandy.”

  “Really? He accepted it, straight up?”

  “Aye.  Ah must admit, Ah wis a wee bit surprised at first as well, bit wance he found oot who’s loft it wis, he wis as happy as Larry.”

  “Ye’ll need tae make sure he disnae jist gie us aw notes. There’ll need tae be plenty ae coins mixed in. Ah widnae want any ae they Murphys tae think that we’ve jist been haunded o’er a pile ae notes fur selling aff a pile ae doos.”

  “That shouldnae be a problem. Maist ae his customers haun o’er coins fur their lessons. There’s wan really important part that he mentioned though, jist as Ah wis getting drapped aff.”

  “Whit?”

  “The Big Man owns three doos that ur kept under lock and key up in that loft. He’s the only wan that gets tae haundle them. They’ve goat tae be in wan ae they boxes ae yours that ur being haunded o’er or the price draps doon tae a score and ten.”

  “So, whit’s so special aboot these wans then?” Johnboy asked.

  “Whits so special aboot them?  Christ, youse obviously hivnae a clue, hiv youse?
No only ur they his top breeders, bit they’re aw first generation pure bred Horsemen Thief Pouters. There wis a batch ae them came across fae Spain tae Scotland in the seventeenth century. It wis a present fur Mary Queen ae Scots or something. The wans that The Big Man his, believe it or no, kin be traced back tae that original batch. He’s goat cartloads ae aw sorts ae paperwork and charts wae their bloodlines oan them. They’re like fucking royalty and totally perfect in every way.”

  “Christ!”

  “Aye, they’re aw self-coloured, wae nae tigers or grizzles amongst them. They’re totally well-sprung, engineered fae their waists up, and hiv goat perfectly generous wattles oan they beaks ae theirs.  Their eyes ur a pure mad-man’s diamond red. Ah saw a photo ae wan ae them a few years ago, when a pal ae mine managed tae get a shot aff when he wis up daeing a deal wae Shaun. Exactly twelve inches fae the beak right doon tae their tails. They’d dae anything bit make yer breakfast fur ye in the morning wance they recognise yer chat. Brainy as fuck, so they ur. They’ll bring in anything that’s put oot tae them, and Ah mean anything. Worth a king’s ransom…or in your case, forty big wans. They’re absolute total perfection and he’s goat three ae the them, aw in the wan dookit…unbelievable.  Every doo man’s dream is tae get tae haud wan in his hauns.  Wance their chicks ur hatched, The Big Man gets them shipped straight oot tae Canada tae some gangster connection he’s goat oot there.”

  “If Ah knew aw this before, Ah wid’ve thought aboot blagging them fur oorsels.” Tony murmured.

  “Whit fur? Whit wid yersel or the likes ae me dae wae them? Ye couldnae sell them or even gie them away. There’s no a doo man in the whole ae the city wid thank ye fur them.  Anywan caught even looking at them wid disappear doon intae the murky foundations ae a multi-storey, so they wid.”

  “Jesus!”

  “Aye, and Ah know where he goat at least two ae them fae. The third wan, Ah’m no sure aboot, although there wis a rumour a few years ago that Pat and Shaun killed two brothers doon in Newcastle fur it.”

  “Where did he get the other two?”