Parly Road: The Glasgow Chronicles 1 (43 page)

  “So, whit did ye say?”

  “Fuck aw. Efter telling me whit Ah loser Ah wis…no forgetting the auld queen bit slung in mair times than wis necessary…she goat up and stomped oot oan me.”

  “And the rest is history... at least it wis fur you, Harry,” The Big Man said, as they aw laughed, raising their glasses tae their mooths.

8.05 P.M.

  Skull and Tony nipped up through the sliding hatch. They scurried up tae the ridge ae the roof and baith walked alang as if they wur oan a trapeze rope, heiding past the operational landing board and boxes.  Johnboy and Joe peered oot ae the hatch efter them, watching their every move. Skull slid doon oan tae the hauf finished boxes wae his legs open, baws first, followed by Tony.

  “Right, Skull, if ye staun up and swivel roond tae face me, Ah’ll haud oan tae yer belt tae take yer weight. See if ye kin put yer fit through the board in the wan go.”

  Johnboy and Joe watched silently as Tony leaned forward and grabbed Skull’s belt. Skull stood up and leaned back intae thin air, wae nothing behind him except the slope ae the roof, a seventy feet drap and Tony saying something tae him. Skull lifted up his right leg and let fly. Johnboy and Joe heard the thud ae Skull’s right fit hitting the back wooden panel that sat between and behind the doo boxes that wur sitting oan either side ae the landing board.  Whit happened next seemed tae happen in slow motion, although it wis aw o’er in wan or two seconds flat. Tony suddenly shot back oan tae the slates behind him wae Skull’s snake belt hinging fae his hauns, while Skull fell backwards, erms ootstretched, and landed wae a crash oan tae his back, slithering doonwards, heid first, towards the gutter oan the edge ae the roof. The scream that came oot ae Johnboy wis far louder than Skull’s cry.  Tony bounced back up like a rubber baw and managed tae dive forward and grab Skull by the ankle before he disappeared o’er the edge and oot ae sight. They lay there panting fur aboot hauf a minute, no moving.

  “Check oot the windaes across the back, Johnboy. See if anywan’s watching,” Joe hissed tae Johnboy, nipping across the rafters in the loft tae the hatch above the stairwell, listening tae see if there wis any movement oan the stairheid landing below.

  Johnboy could hear his heart thumping aff ae his collarbone.

  “Hiv ye jist shat yersel, or ur ye jist glad tae see me?” Joe said, efter rejoining Johnboy, looking as white as a ghost and wae a sickly, brave smile.

  “Right, Skull…Ah’m gonnae ease masel up. Don’t ye move a muscle noo. Wance Ah’m in position, Ah’ll haul ye up.”

  “Whit the fuck happened?” Skull asked, wance he wis back in position, shaking like a leaf.

  “The snake-heid attachment snapped aff and Ah ended up wae yer belt in ma hauns.”

  “Ah knew that belt wisnae an original. Wait tae Ah see that fat shitehoose that Ah goat it aff ae.”

  “Aye, well, efter the day, Ah’ll buy ye two.”

  “Ah knew Ah should’ve worn ma good fitba boots. These dancing shoes hivnae even made a bloody dent,” Skull said, peering intae the gap, as Tony licked his lips wae his dry tongue.

  “Ur ye okay tae go again?”

  “Aye…Ah think so.”

  “It should be okay this time. Ah’ll haud oan tae yer troosers.”

  “Aye, aw right. Jist make sure it’s ma troosers and no the real snake this time. Ah widnae want that thing tae snap aff.”

  Johnboy couldnae believe whit he wis seeing. He thought aboot diving back intae the loft space, bit the urge tae watch wis stronger than his fear ae seeing Skull plunge aff ae the roof.  Joe gied Tony and Skull the thumbs up as they slowly went through the same motions as before.

  “Aye, he’s a game wee basturt, is Skull,” Joe murmured beside Johnboy, as they peered across the slates at whit wis happening.

  Tony wis haudin up Skull, the same as before.  Skull wis hauf leaning backwards, staunin oan wan leg, like some sort ae statue, wae his right erm above his heid, the way they bull fighters staun before sticking the spear intae the bulls. When he let go wae that right fit ae his again, it shot through between the boxes wae his leg following it right up tae his thigh. It looked as if Tony and him wur in a clinch. Johnboy and Joe heard the broken panel bouncing aboot oan the inside ae the loft fae where they wur staunin, heids jutting oot ae the hatch. Tony gied them the thumbs up.  Before they could blink, Skull wis awready wriggling heid first in between the boxes.

  “How dis it look, Skull?” Tony whispered.

  “Fucking hell, Tony.  Ah’ve never seen anything like it.  This makes Paddy’s, doon in the Saltmarket, look like a stall at the Barras.  Try and stretch yer heid in while Ah find a light switch.”

  Tony’s heid popped through the hole, jist as Skull found the switch.

  “Fucking hell!” Tony gasped, swivelling his napper aboot.

  The loft wis aboot fifty feet long and aboot forty feet wide at flair level.  The whole ae the slope opposite the landing board hid disappeared and wis noo lined wae nesting boxes.  They hid aw been built sitting forward tae gie them maximum heid height.

  “How many doos dae ye think there is aw thegither, Tony?”

  “Fuck knows.  Maybe a hunner, maybe mair.”

  “Wow, ye should see this.  They’ve built a cavie fur breeding o’er here.  It’s full ae chicks,” Skull said, smiling as he turned back tae Tony, before hauding open the door and taking another look.

  “Kin ye see the big Horsemen?”

  “Naw.  Ah don’t think they’re here.”

  “Ur ye sure?  Hiv another look.”

  “Wait a minute…Ah’ve found them.”

  “The three ae them?”

  “Oh, Jesus, Tony!  They’re bloody majestic, so they ur.  They’re no shying away fae me either. They’re bloody trying tae oot-stare me, the wee crazy basturts.  Ah’ve never believed in God till noo,” Skull squealed wae delight.

  “Bloody brilliant!”

  “Right, Tony, Ah’ll go and open up the other landing board nearest tae oor loft.”

  “Okay, haud oan and Ah’ll get Joe alang wae the first box,” Tony said, aw excited, as his heid disappeared oot ae the hole.

  “Right, that’s me, Johnboy.  Haun up a box wance Ah get oan tae the ridge ae the slope.  Ye’ll probably need tae put the box oot first and then follow it oot and sit oan the edge ae the hatch yersel tae push it up towards me,” Joe said.

  “Right.”

  Johnboy watched Joe daeing the trapeze walk alang the tap ae the roof.  When he goat tae jist above Tony, he sat doon, straddling the ridge wae his back tae Johnboy, as if he wis sitting oan a horse. He then jist let the box go.  It slid doon the slates straight intae Tony’s ootstretched hauns.  Joe turned roond and looked back at Johnboy and put his two fingers up tae his eyes, and then pointed tae the tenement opposite, where they’d been spying oan the Murphys’ fae a few days earlier, indicating tae Johnboy that he should keep his eyes peeled in that direction.  Johnboy thought that it wis spookily creepy sitting in the loft oan his ain until the noise ae the pub started up again.  He could hear aw the whistling and clapping as if he wis actually there. 

  “The cages wae the Horsemen hiv a big metal bar across them wae two big padlocks oan either side, Tony,” Skull said fae inside the loft.

  “Never mind.  Start haunin o’er the doos fae the other nesting boxes and Ah’ll load them intae the first box.  Make sure ye take aw the quality wans though.”

  “They’re aw quality.  Wait till ye see them.”

  “Right, well, hurry up.  Joe’s lying sprawled up oan tap ae the ridge where he kin be spotted fae people walking alang St James Road.”

  “How many tae a box?”

  “Make it nine tae a box.  Lets keep it nice and easy.”

  “C’moan ma wee beauties.  Come tae Uncle Skull.”

8.10 P.M.

“Thank ye everywan…ye’re so kind.  This next wan’s called ‘Honky Tonk Blues’ by Hank Williams,” Sarah May announced wance the clapping and stomping hid died doon.

  “Pat, look whit jist walked in, fur Christ’s sake,” Shaun shouted intae The Big Man’s lug.

  “Aw, in the name ae the wee man!  Ah’m gonnae kick that wee Tiny in the hee-haws.  Ah thought Ah telt him that when ye’re in, ye’re in and when ye’re oot, ye’re oot, and that’s that. Look, Maw, Ah’ll be back in a minute.”

  “Don’t ye worry aboot a thing, darling.  Ye jist go and dae whit ye hiv tae,” Daisy shouted o’er the music.

  “Hellorerr ladies. Whit kin a wee poor shepherd like masel dae fur a couple ae angels like youse?”

  “Aw, Pat, ye’re so nice, so ye ur.  Me and Sister Flog here thought we could maybe pass oor cans roond yer esteemed guests, who look like they’d be upset if they wurnae allowed tae contribute tae the needy weans in Africa and Ireland.  Is that no right, Sister Flog?” said Fat Sally Sally, stretching that fat neck ae hers tae get a good deck ae whit wis happening oan the stage.

  “Yes, I’m sure God will be looking down on this happy congregation as we speak,” Sister Flog agreed, checking oot if there wis any seats gaun-a-begging.

  “Well, as ye kin see, Ah’m actually full tae the gunnels and although Ah wid like...”

  “Although we’ve been oan oor feet aw day, Pat, daeing the roonds wae the cans, we don’t mind staunin up the back here, oot ae the road, till the group his its break.  Isn’t that right, Sister?”

  “To be sure, Sally.  You just go back to your guests and we’ll just anchor back here, brother Pat.”

  “Er, look, hing oan a minute and Ah’ll see whit Ah kin dae, ladies,” Pat said, resigned tae the inevitable, as he nodded tae Wan-bob tae find them a couple ae vacant chairs. 

  Three second later, Wan-bob wis back, hivving lifted Fat Fingered Finklebaum and Frankie MacDonald by the back ae their collars and plapped them doon at the bottom side ae the bar, behind the amp stack, where they’d need tae hiv hid necks like giraffes tae be able tae see whit wis happening oan the stage.

  “There ye go, ladies.  Best seats in the hoose, apart fae ma maw and da’s.”

  “Aw, Pat.  Ye shouldnae hiv.  We wur awright back here,” Fat Sally Sally said, brushing past him, followed by Sister Flog, habit hitched up tae jist below her knees wae baith hauns, as they shot aff intae the middle ae the company tae take their seats beside Harry Bertram.

8.20 P.M.

  “Fur Christ’s sake, wid ye look at that.  Is that no an amazing sight, Crisscross?” The Sarge asked, as they wur driving doon Stanhope Street towards Stirling Road.

  “Ah wonder whit’s oan the night in The Atholl?”

  “Looks like that wild bunch, The Driving Instructors, hiv hit the toon, eh?” Crisscross said and they baith guffawed.

  “It must be a convention or something.”

  “Sounds exciting, eh?”  The Sarge said tae mair laughter.

  “Mind you, look at aw they wee stoating Austin and Morris eleven hunners.  Some fucker’s making money.”

  “Aye, there’s a couple ae Ford Anglias as well.”

  “Check oot that cheeky wee Morris Minor sitting there.  Good wee runners, so they ur.”

  “Dae ye want me tae stoap so we kin hiv a wee shifty?”

  “Naw.”

  “We could always nip intae The Atholl and see whit’s gaun oan and maybe get a wee free nip, while we’re at it.  It wid show the instructors that we’re oan the job ootside and that their cars are as safe as ninepence.”

  “Naw, fuck it…let’s go o’er tae Tony’s in Parly Road and see if we kin cadge a free fish supper.  We’ll take it somewhere quiet and scoff it in peace.”

  “Sounds good tae me.”

8.30 P.M.

  “Here ye go, Johnboy.  Haun me up another box when ye’re finished putting this wan in,” Joe said.

  Joe let go ae the second box, letting the weight ae the doos inside it carry it doon o’er the slates tae Johnboy fae the tap ae the roof.

  Things seemed tae be gaun like clockwork.  The first box hid been a bit dodgy tae get in as aw the doos inside it hid shifted forward when Joe hid slid it doon towards Johnboy, who wis hinging oot ae the hatch waiting tae catch it.  Wance Johnboy pulled it intae the loft, the whole box hid shot through his ootstreched hauns oan tae the rafters at his feet.  The lid hid opened jist enough tae let a doo escape and efter it hid whizzed past Johnboy’s heid, it hid shot oot through the hatch and fucked aff.  Johnboy hid popped his heid oot ae the hatch tae see Tony and Joe looking back o’er tae him tae see whit the hell wis gaun oan.  He’d explained whit hid happened when Joe hid come back wae the second box.  Joe hid telt Johnboy no tae worry as there wis plenty mair where that wan hid come fae.  By that time, the daft doo hid circled roond the roofs a few times and hid come back tae land oan the operational board, ignoring Tony’s presence.  Johnboy saw Tony saying something tae Skull as he wis haunin oot the doos before he moved back up the roof tae join Joe fur a minute.  A few seconds later, the hood wis yanked up and Johnboy saw Skull’s hauns appear and take the escaped doo back inside.  When Joe came back wae the next box, he telt Johnboy that this wan hid ten doos in it, including Houdini.  The music hid stoapped playing.  Johnboy heard a female voice saying they wur hivving a short break and that they’d be back shortly.

8.45 P.M.

“Ladies, gentlemen, sheep shaggers and friends. Youse aw know me well enough.  Ah’m mair a man ae action than a man ae mere words, as some ae youse hiv found tae yer cost. Okay, Ah promise that’s ma only joke ae the night…haw, haw. It’s great tae see that everywan who wis invited his made that wee special effort tae be wae us the night. Unfortunately, there’s a few people who couldnae be here through nae fault ae their ain. Some, because the angels hiv taken them fae us…God bless them, and others, because they’re hivving the pleasure ae her majesty’s time, away up there in Peterheid and Perth. We’ve hid a few wee floral tributes fae them, and these kin be viewed sitting in the aff-sales bothy. When Ah wis born, Ah never really appreciated whit a wonderful maw and da Ah wid end up wae. Aw Ah kin say is, the angels wur looking doon oan me that night. Ah want tae take this opportunity tae thank them, oan behauf ae masel and ma lovely wee sister, Donna, fur the wonderful life they’ve gied us and Ah hope this wee do the night will highlight oor appreciation ae them and wish them aw the best oan their anniversary.  Hivving spared nae expense, ye’ll be pleased tae know that the smashing wee Country and Western group that ur playing fur youse the night, ur jist aboot tae be signed up wae a top Scottish record label. And naw, Ah don’t own them...yet, haw, haw. See whit youse hiv goat me daeing? That’s ma second and last joke ae the night, Ah promise. Anyway, they’ll be back oan in a wee while. In the meantime, we’ve goat the City Bakeries’ best mince pies oan their way tae yer tables, alang wae Horsey John’s famous mushy peas. Enjoy, and Ah’ll see youse aw later.”