Party Princess (14 page)

F
T
L
OUIE
: Homemade dip is always better. I can make it and leave it overnight in the refrigerator, and that way it will be all gelled and everything for the party. Which I’m so excited about coming to.

S
KINNER
B
X
: Um. Okay. Whatever you want. See you tomorrow then.

F
T
L
OUIE
: Can’t wait!

Actually, though, I CAN wait… both for the party AND the dystopic sci-fi film festival. Because those movies Michael has to watch for that class of his are MAJOR bummers. I mean,
Soylent Green
? Excuse me, but gross.

Plus a lot of them have very scary parts, and scary movies have completely screwed with my psyche. Seriously. I think scary movies are responsible for half, if not more, of my neuroses.

TOP 20 WAYS SCARY MOVIES
HAVE MESSED ME UP:

 

1) I can’t see chairs pulled away from the table without thinking of
Poltergeist
and having to push them back in. Ditto drawers that have been pulled out.

2) I can’t pass those red-and-white smokestacks across from the FDR without thinking about poor Mel Gibson in
Conspiracy Theory
.

3) I can’t go over a bridge without thinking of the
Mothman Prophecies
. Ditto see a chemical plant.

4) After seeing
Blair Witch
, I can no longer go

a) into wooded areas

b) camping

c) into any dark basements.

 

Not that I would have done any of those things anyway. But now I REALLY won’t.

 

 

5) For a long time I couldn’t look at the TV without thinking that a girl might crawl out of it and kill me like in
The Ring
and
The Ring 2
.

6) Every time I see an alley, I expect there to be a dead body in it. But that’s probably from too many episodes of
Law and Order
, not the movies.

7) Don’t even talk to me about boiling pots of water on the stove (Whitey the rabbit from
Fatal Attraction
).

8) Little white dogs = Precious from
Silence of the Lambs
.

9) Any supermodern-looking, windowless building in the middle of nowhere is the place where they harvest the organs of people in comas from the movie
Coma
.

10) Cornfields = the movie
Signs
, and we’re all going to die.

11) After
Titanic
, I will never, ever, ever go on a cruise.

12) Whenever I see an oil tanker on the road, I know I’m going to die, because whenever you see one in the movies, it explodes.

13) If a semi is tailing us, I always assume it’s trying to kill us, like in
The Duel
.

14) I can’t go through the Holland Tunnel without thinking it’s going to leak like in
Daylight
.

15) I don’t know if I will ever be able to have children thanks to
Rosemary’s Baby
. I will definitely never live in the Dakota. I don’t know how Yoko Ono stands it.

16) I’ll never adopt, either, thanks to
The Good Son
.

17) I will never get anesthesia for anything but non-elective surgery because of
She Woke Up Pregnant
.

18) After talking at length to several elevator repairmen, I know now that unless someone places an incendiary device on top of the elevator, like in
Speed
, it is mathematically impossible for all the cables supporting it to snap at once. Still. You never know.

19) Thanks to
Jaws
I will never set foot in the ocean again.

20) The call is ALWAYS coming from inside the house.

 

See? I have been SCREWED UP by the movies. The whole reason I hate parties, probably, is because of how traumatized I was over Broken Lizard’s
Club Dread
, which I watched with Michael thinking it was going to be a comedy, like
Super Troopers
. Only it turned out to be a horror film about young people being killed at a tropical resort, usually during a party.

Michael doesn’t realize the MAJOR sacrifice I am
making, just by agreeing to watch whatever it is he’s going to make me watch tomorrow night.

In fact, probably one of the major reasons I haven’t transcended my ego and achieved self-actualization yet is because of the psychological scarring I have received from the movies. I wonder if Dr. Carl Jung knew about this when he invented self-actualization. Or did they even HAVE movies back when he was alive?

Princess Amelia Mignonette
Grimaldi Thermopolis Renaldo

Friday, March 5, the limo on the way to school

If Lilly comments one more time on how her interpretation of Rosagunde is going to make Julia Roberts’s portrayal of Erin Brockovich look like community theater, my head is going to spin off, shoot through the sunroof, and land in the East River.

Friday, March 5, Homeroom

They just announced over the intercom that the cast list for
Braid!
will go up outside the administrative offices at noon.

Just my luck. You could cut the tension around here with a knife. Not just the nervousness over who is going to get what part, either.

But the Drama Club is hopping mad that someone is putting on a musical to rival theirs. They are claiming they are going to contact the writers of
Hair
and tell them what Grandmère is doing—you know, because her musical’s name is so close to theirs.

I hope they do.

Although, if Grandmère gets sued and stops the show, I am back to selling candles again to raise the five grand I need.

On the other hand, there is no guarantee a musical version of the story of my ancestress Rosagunde could even raise five thousand dollars in ticket sales in the first place. I mean, who would pay money to go to a show written by my grandma? She once gave a speech at a benefit to raise money for the Genovian version of the ASPCA about how the kindest thing you can do for an animal is immortalize it forever by skinning it and using its pelt as a lovely shrug or throw for a divan.

So you see where I am coming from about this.

Friday, March 5, PE

Lana just asked me if I had her invitations yet. She asked me this as I was stepping into my underwear after my post-volleyball shower, which is about as vulnerable a position a person can be in.

I said I hadn’t had a chance to get them yet, but that I would.

Lana then looked down at my Jimmy Neutron underwear and went, “Whatever, freak,” and walked away before I got a chance to explain to her that I wear Jimmy Neutron underwear because Jimmy reminds me a bit of my boyfriend.

The genius part. Not the hair.

But I guess maybe it’s just as well. I highly doubt Lana would understand—even if she DID used to wear her boyfriend’s soccer shorts under her school skirt.

Friday, March 5, U.S. Economics

Demand = How much (quantity) of a product or service is desired by buyers.

Supply = How much the market can offer.

Equilibrium = When supply and demand are equal, the economy is said to be in equilibrium. The amount of goods being supplied is exactly the same as the amount of goods being demanded.

Disequilibrium = This occurs whenever the price or quantity is not equal to demand/supply.

(So, basically, the student government of AEHS is currently in disequilibrium due to our funds (zero) not being equal to the demand for one night’s rental of Alice Tully Hall ($5,728.00).)

Alfred Marshall, author of
The Principles of Economics
(circa 1890): “Economics is on one side the study of wealth; and on the other, and more important side, a part of the study of man.”

Huh. So that sort of makes economics a SOCIAL science. Like psychology. Because it isn’t really about numbers. It’s about PEOPLE, and what they are willing to spend—or do—to get what they want.

Like Lana, for instance. You know, how she was going to
rat me out to Amber if I didn’t get her those invitations to Grandmère’s party?

That was a classic example of supply (I had the supply) versus demand (her demand that I give her what she wanted).

All of which leads me to believe that it’s entirely possible Lana Weinberger isn’t self-actualized at all:

She’s simply really good at economics!

Friday, March 5, English

One more period until the cast list goes up! Oh, I hope Boris gets the part of Gustav! He wants it so badly!

I hope he gets it, too, Tina! I hope everyone gets the parts they want.

What part do YOU want, Mia?

Me???? Nothing!!! I didn’t even submit a photo or a form, remember? I stink at that kind of thing. Acting and stuff, I mean.

Don’t put yourself down like that! Your Ciara imitation has gotten really EXCELLENT. And I thought you were really good as Rosagunde! Don’t you want the part just a little bit?

No, really. I’m a writer, not an actress. Remember??? I want to WRITE the things the people onstage say. Well, not really, because there’s no actual money in playwrighting. But you get what I mean.

Oh. Right. That makes sense.

Well, all I can say is, if I don’t get the part of Rosagunde, we’ll all know it’s because of the N word.

Nude scene???? When did you do a nude scene????

No, you idiot. NEPOTISM. Favoritism shown to a family member.

But that won’t happen because Mia didn’t really audition and doesn’t even WANT a part. So you should be fine, Lilly! Gosh, I hope we all get the parts we want—even if that means NO part!

I’ll second that!

Friday, March 5, Lunch

 

CAST LIST FOR:

 

Albert Einstein High School’s
Alternative Spring Musical

 

Braid!

Chorus….….…….	Amber Cheeseman, Julio Juarez, Margaret Lee, Eric Patel, Lauren Pembroke, Robert Sherman, Ling Su Wong
Rosagunde’s father…..	Kenneth Showalter
Rosagunde’s maid…..	Tina Hakim Baba
King of Italy….…….	Perin Thomas
Alboin….….….….	Boris Pelkowski
Alboin’s mistress….	Lilly Moscovitz
Gustav….….….….	John Paul Reynolds-Abernathy IV
Rosagunde….…….	Amelia Thermopolis Renaldo

FIRST REHEARSAL TODAY, 3:30
P.M.

The Plaza Hotel, Grand Ballroom