Passing as Elias (18 page)

After washing herself, Elizabeth felt much better. It was as though she had washed away all of her sins and was left fresh, and pure. 

Footsteps could be heard on the landing.

“Elias?” Merrill’s voice called through the door.

“Yes?” Elizabeth said in her falsely deep voice, rushing about and collecting her male clothes. It was horrible strapping her breasts down, but it had to be done.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes, fine. Just cleaning up,” Elizabeth said, as she hurriedly put on her breeches.

“Mayhap, I could help you?” Merrill said in a teasing tone.

“Oh,” Elizabeth stalled as she tightened the bindings around her chest. “Um, I am almost done.”

Merrill tried the doorknob, but discovered that it was locked.

“Can I not come in?” Merrill asked.

“One moment!” Elizabeth called.

Elizabeth went to open the door, but stopped herself.
Wig
, she reminded herself.

“
Shit, shit, shit,
” she breathed, as she tried to put it on as quickly as possible.

“Are you okay?” Merrill asked through the door.

Elizabeth wrenched it open and smiled at Merrill, “Just dressing,” she said airily.

“Do you mind if I clean up?” Merrill asked.

“Not at all.”

Merrill entered the washroom and began to strip before Elizabeth’s eyes. She took the hem of her nightdress and lifted it over her head. Her dark hair fell and splayed down her back, reaching her buttocks. Elizabeth looked away, ashamed of her perversion.

Merrill looked over her shoulder, “Do you want to help?”

Elizabeth looked back and could not help but comply. She was truly and utterly under Merrill’s spell.

Chapter Ten

Sailors Return

Elizabeth continued to court Merrill in secret. They spoke of their love for each other to no one, under Elizabeth’s instructions. Merrill was confused as to why her lover wanted to keep their courtship a secret, but she complied.

She continued to sneak out at night and visit Elizabeth. They kissed, and touched, and whispered sweet nothings into each other’s ears. Merrill was madly in love with Elias, and Elizabeth was madly in love with Merrill.

Elizabeth had convinced herself that Merrill would love her no matter what her gender was. After all, was it not Elizabeth’s personality that she had fallen for?

Elizabeth still refused to show her body to Merrill, something that seemed to deeply upset her. Merrill had been completely naked in front of Elizabeth many times. Merrill wanted to make love, and she expressed this desire almost every night. It seemed to hurt her feelings when Elias declined.

“Do you not find me attractive?” she asked almost every night.

“I find you extremely attractive,” Elizabeth would reassure.

“Do you not think this will last?” Merrill said. “Us, I mean.”

“I wish it would last forever,” Elizabeth said honestly, embracing Merrill.

“If you wish it to last forever, then why do you not want to make love?”

“Because we are not married,” Elizabeth had used this excuse too many times to recall. 

“But if we plan to stay together … what is the point in waiting?”

Elizabeth felt sick every time they talked about sex. The lie had grown so big that it was taking over her life. She dreaded the day that Merrill would grow tired of waiting. However, Elizabeth knew that they did not have much time left together. Eventually, she would have to get rid of Elias, and return to her normal life, for five months had passed since Captain Greenwood left for sea. Within thirty days he would be due to return. How would Elizabeth break the news to Merrill? Would she cry? Would she beg to go with Elias?

It was a Wednesday morning when Elizabeth woke extremely early, and decided to make her way to the apothecary without Merrill. She left her lover snoring gently in bed, and made her way downstairs. Elizabeth felt she needed time alone to think about how she must end it with Merrill. She did not wish to do it, and kept telling herself that they could run away together, however, Elizabeth could not keep the secret of her gender hidden forever. Eventually, Merrill would want to make a life together, a life that would include marriage, and children. This was something Elizabeth could not offer her.

She had decided to do it that night. She would tell Merrill that she was leaving, heading overseas due to a job offer in another country. She did not wish to dwell upon Merrill’s reaction.

The day passed too quickly for Elizabeth. Merrill arrived early to the apothecary, wondering where Elias had gone. She expressed dislike for being left in bed while Elizabeth made her way to work. Elizabeth apologized, and simply stated that she needed to get a little bit of work done.

“You looked so peaceful, I did not wish to wake you,” she had said.

They flirted throughout the day, smiling, brushing against each other, and teasing one another in good spirit. Customers did not notice the electricity that flew between them, but Elizabeth could certainly feel it. Every time Merrill touched her it was like receiving an electric shock. She dreaded the end of the day, when she must reveal to Merrill that Elias would be leaving the town. She would tell her that Elias’ sister, Elizabeth, would be taking over the apothecary. She did not need to know the whole truth. This way, Elizabeth thought, perhaps she could get Merrill to fall in love with the real her. After all, they were the same person. If she did not like Elizabeth for who she was, then at least Elizabeth would be able to spend the day around the woman she loved so dearly.

Six o’clock came. Elizabeth drew the curtains, and flipped the sign on the door. Merrill was in the laboratory, organizing jars of herbs into alphabetical order. When Elizabeth entered the laboratory, Merrill looked up and beamed.

Elizabeth sat down at her desk and watched Merrill work. Her heart was heavy with dread.

“Merrill,” she said in a rather shaky voice, “come and sit.”

Merrill complied, but did not sit on a chair. Instead, she sat on Elizabeth’s lap and wrapped her arms around her neck. 

“I guess that will do,” Elizabeth said with a smile as Merrill kissed her nose.

“Shall I come over tonight, sir?” Merrill said with a smirk, kissing Elizabeth’s neck.

Yes
, Elizabeth wanted to say.

“No,” she said instead, swallowing hard.

“No?” Merrill repeated, “Do you have much work to do?”

“No,” Elizabeth said again, closing her eyes as Merrill kissed her neck again.

“Do you wish some time alone?” Merrill whispered.

No
, Elizabeth wanted to cry. She wanted to throw Merrill to the floor right then, kiss up and down her body, and make her scream.

“Something of the sort,” Elizabeth said through gritted teeth, as she tried to push the sexual visions aside.

“Oh no, I have crowded you,” Merrill fretted.

“Not at all,” Elizabeth said quickly, “I must … I must confess something to you.”

“What is it?”

Elizabeth remained silent for several moments. Her heart thudded frantically in her chest.
Say it
, she willed herself.
Just say it, and it will all be over soon
. It hurt to think about it.

“Promise you will be happy for me,” Elizabeth began nervously. She felt so saddened by this moment that she thought she might be sick.

“Of course,” Merrill promised. The thought that Elias might leave her did not seem to cross her mind.

“I … I have received a letter,” Elizabeth recited. She had rehearsed the speech in her head a thousand times over during the day.

“Mmmh?” Merrill said, resuming the kissing of Elizabeth’s neck. It made it extremely hard to concentrate.

“I have been offered a position,” Elizabeth said quickly, “to train as a surgeon.”

“A  surgeon?” Merrill repeated amazed.

“It is a wonderful opportunity,” Elizabeth continued, determined to tell the whole story, “such a chance does not come by often.”

“I am very pleased for you,” Merrill beamed. She did not yet understand.

“The only problem,” Elizabeth said in a shaking voice, “it is … in the Netherlands.”

“The Netherlands?” Merrill repeated, aghast, “can you not train here?”

“The Doctors Association of Holland is said to be the best in the world. Their economy is thriving. I would be mad not to accept such an offer.”

“Indeed,” Merrill said breathlessly, “when will you accept?”

“I have … I accepted over a week ago.”

Merrill thought hard, “When shall we leave?”

Elizabeth blanched, “We?” she said faintly. This had done it.

Merrill became pale, “You did not mean for me to come, did you?” Her voice was barely a whisper.

Elizabeth did not answer. She felt as though she might vomit from the effort this was taking her.

“No. I did not,” She finally forced herself to say.

Merrill stood, and stumbled upon the hem of her dress slightly. Straightening up, Elizabeth saw her eyes had become watery.

“You mean to leave me?” Merrill said.

“I do not wish to,” Elizabeth said. She did not want Merrill to hate her.

Merrill had begun to cry, and Elizabeth felt that this could have gone much better.

“I will return,” Elizabeth lied, “I will come back to you.”

“You do not wish to leave me, yet you refuse to let me come with you?” Merrill said through her sobs.

“I do not want to take you away from your life here. You should not throw away everything for me.”

“You
are
my life,” Merrill cried, “everything I do revolves around
you
!”

“Do you not see why that is a bad thing?” Elizabeth said taking Merrill’s shoulders in her grasp. “Do you not have aspirations? Dreams?”

“You are a man, Mister Searson, and may do as you please. I am a woman and must do as I am told.”

“You can do as you wish,” Elizabeth said fiercely, “When I am gone my sister will take over the apothecary. You shall work for her.”

“I understand now,” Merrill said through tears, “I understand why you would not
fuck
me!” She screamed the last words, making Elizabeth jump.

“Merrill!” Elizabeth pleaded, “Merrill,
please
. You are overreacting.”

And Merrill slapped her.

Elizabeth held her face, waiting for the stinging to pass. It hurt her heart more than it hurt her face.

“Do not be like this,” Elizabeth said softly, “if you were to hate me, I might die. I did not wish to hurt you.”

“Well, you have failed at that, Mister Searson,” Merrill said, “is there nothing I can say to change your mind?”

“No,” Elizabeth said in a shaking voice. She was afraid Merrill might slap her again.

Merrill glared, but did not say another word. Instead, she dropped to her knees in front of Elizabeth, and for a moment it looked as though she were about to beg.

However, Merrill reached for the waistband of Elizabeth’s breeches, and tried to unfasten them.

“What are you doing?” Elizabeth said, shocked.

Merrill’s shaking hands struggled with the buttons, but she did not succeed, for Elizabeth stepped out of her reach.

“Let me,” Merrill said through tears, “let me show you how I love you.”

“Merrill, please. Stand up,” Elizabeth said.

So Merrill stood, but this time she started to undress herself. She fumbled with the lacing of her corset, for her hands were shaking so badly.

“Merrill,” Elizabeth grabbed her wrists, “please.”

“I do love you,” Merrill said thickly, tears clinging to her eyelashes.

“And I love you,” Elizabeth reassured. It was the utter truth, “But this cannot last,” She held Merrill’s face between her hands, and kissed her mouth. She could taste Merrill’s salty tears upon her lips.

Merrill kissed her with such ferocity that Elizabeth felt momentarily overpowered, even though Merrill was much smaller and weaker than her. Her breath was warm and sweet.

“Won’t you claim me?” Merrill asked, wrapping her arms around Elizabeth’s neck. Elizabeth knew that Merrill was trying her hardest to make Elias stay.

Elizabeth let out a groan as Merrill kissed her again. Their tongues met, and they kissed deeply. Their wet, warm mouths explored one another hungrily.

Elizabeth could not take it any longer. She felt half mad with desire and wanted nothing more than to love Merrill completely and utterly in the way she deserved.

Elizabeth pressed Merrill against the workbench, sending quills and parchment to the floor. Vials smashed upon the stone, yet they ignored it. Their actions were fervent, desperate, and rushed. Elizabeth kissed Merrill with such force that the desk moved several inches, and books toppled to the floor. Merrill sat up on the bench-top and wrapped her legs around Elizabeth’s waist, forcing her closer.