Passion Bites: Biting Love, Book 9 (15 page)

Chapter Fifteen

“Wait.” A big warm hand clasped my bare arm, gentle for such strong fingers. “You’re hurting…and I made it worse. I’m sorry. Let me help.”

I peered over my shoulder at him, blinking hot eyes. My throat was sore. God, what had happened to me? I’d shrieked at him like a Dementor.

He guided me back to the bed. Clothes fell from my hand, fingers shuddering from adrenaline aftershock, not answering my control.

Out of control. I didn’t know what had happened, or how, but I couldn’t believe I’d let loose like that. I hadn’t done anything like that since…

Monster. I never want to see you again.

He sat me down, settled next to me and took my hands in his, and I could see from his expression he thought there was more, much more to my outburst.

Emotions in the ER get in the way, and I’d learned early how to jettison them. I told myself this was Crisis Time.

Really, I didn’t want to dig into the morass that was me right now. “Look, I’m sorry I yelled. But I have to go.” I half-rose, but he only gently tugged me back onto the bed.

“Whatever it is can wait. I pushed an emotional button, sweetheart, and I’m sorry. Whatever it is, I want to fix it. I can’t leave you hurting.”

“Don’t be silly.” I turned from him and bent to retrieve my panties, finally managing to make my hands work enough to slip them over my feet and up my calves. “Well, yes, I yelled a little. But I wanted you to understand how dangerous Lizelle’s husband is.”

I wasn’t looking, but I could almost hear one blond brow rise.

“All perfectly logical, hmm?”

“Yes. I admit it was a blow, Julian disrupting my plan. But nothing I can’t get past.” I half-stood to slip the panties over my hips. “Thank you for the sex. It helped clear my head and now I’m fine—”

“Alexis.”

My name stopped me. Reluctantly, I turned my head to look at him.

All the tenderness in the world was in his eyes. “You’re not fine, and sex didn’t clear your head. You didn’t start shouting until afterward.” His gaze went inward and a slight line appeared between his eyes. Then his eyes snapped back to me. “And you didn’t fracture until I said he was a
monster.
”

The shaft of pain surprised me. I breathed through it. “He is.”

“No. Maybe.” His eyes turned inward again, rapidly tracking as if he were fast-forwarding through our exact words. “You were passionate recounting his abuse, yes.”

“I was emphasizing, not passionate—”

“But when I said
monster,
you flinched.” He went on as if I hadn’t spoken. “Like I’d hit, not him, but
you
.”

“That’s absurd.” I went back to dressing, but my fingers were trembling again and it was hard.

“Is it? All right, maybe I’m totally mistaken. Let’s just talk. It’ll ease the awkwardness next time.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“Awkwardness. The next time we have sex, we’ll waste time being uncomfortable with each other before we get to the important release of endorphins—unless we chat some now. Simple chat, nothing deep. I know, tell me about Lizelle. How did you meet?”

I glanced cautiously at him. He was sitting at his ease, casually nude, as calm as if the implied accusations of
emotional wreck
hadn’t been hurled.

And maybe he was right. Maybe talking would clear the air. Relieve any awkwardness. It might even help him open up a little too. I wrapped my bra around my middle, hooks at my navel so I could see what I was doing. “We met in first grade.” The bra wouldn’t hook. I tried again. “I have a sister, but she didn’t come along until I was eight. I was an only child until then.”

“Sounds lonely.”

“Not really. My parents were away a lot, on archaeological digs, but they left me with my grandmother, and she was wonderful. I…well, I really liked being with her.”
I love you Grandma. And again, only a few years later, beside of her coffin. I love you. Why did you go?
I finally got the bra hooked, turned it on my torso and pulled it up over my arms like suspenders. “It was good, being with her. Stimulating. But because my early years were spent with adults, I grew up with an exceptional vocabulary and was…unprepared for other children at school. I’d use big words and the other kids wouldn’t understand and they’d mock me.”

“They were probably threatened.”

“Maybe, but what they didn’t understand was that I didn’t
know
any other words. I felt helpless. Floundered, trying to explain, to make friends, but I only made it worse. I felt alone and singled out until, in first grade, we were buddied up for a field trip.”

I slid my shirt on. That took my concentration. I didn’t start again until I’d found my pants. “Lizelle was funny and smart, and more, she
liked
me. She laughed when I used my big words instead of pushing me away. We became fast friends and did everything together. And as young girls do, we made plans.” I swallowed. Broken plans.
Broken dreams…
I snapped the dust from my pants and snapped out words with it. “Most children outgrow their childish plans. I committed ours to my heart.”

“What were they?” he asked.

“Really quite adult, considering.” Holding the slacks in one hand, I drew a 1 in the air and circled it. “Finish school.” I circled 2 twice. “Go to college together, followed by medical school.” And last, a 3, underlined. “Open a clinic together called ‘Healthy Women’s Choice’.”

“Those are wonderful plans.”

“Thanks.” A side glance showed him watching me closely, but his expression was all casual friendliness. Watching, not to see me dress, but to let me know he was listening.

I sighed and began donning my pants. “I sacrificed for those goals my whole life. Heck, after my grandma died and then Lizelle got more and more involved with her boyfriend, those goals
were
my life. I studied when other kids were playing, applying to colleges when my friends were planning for prom. I didn’t consider it a sacrifice, because it was for our future, mine and Lizelle’s. Then…”

My throat thickened, closing up on the memory. To give myself time to recover, I hunted around for shoes and socks.

Luke prompted softly, “Lizelle changed her mind?”

My heart throbbed. I stopped looking, my limbs robbed of strength. “Not at first. At first, she only changed colleges—to be with John. I didn’t have time to apply for financial aid. So we went to different schools, and I hardly spent any time with her that year. But I didn’t worry. I didn’t even think of it, focused on our plan.”

“Why should you worry?” Luke’s tone was so warm, so compassionate. “You were best friends.”

I gave a nod, jerky because my insides were roiling again. Reliving it, even on the surface… I suddenly wanted it done and skipped to the end. “By leaving her alone, I left her in the hands of her boyfriend. He isolated her more and more. Then Lizelle…she got pregnant. They’d been using protection but ‘somehow’ the condoms went missing and her pills were mislaid… She came to tell me, excited. They’d
eloped.
”

My legs wouldn’t hold me. I wobbled on my feet until Luke’s hand closed on my elbow and gently guided me to sit.

I slumped, elbows on knees, eyes closed. “She was excited, I wasn’t so thrilled. It all hit me wrong, the birth control going missing and the rushed marriage and…and I blamed her husband to her face.” I tried to swallow. It felt like a brick in my throat. “She and I…we got into a fight. Said unspeakable things to each other. She slammed out of my life and I didn’t hear from her for nearly two years.” I shook my head. Those had been the darkest years of my life.

The first I knew I was crying again was when Luke gently brushed a tear from my cheek.

“What is it, Alexis?” He crumpled his shirt and used it to wipe my face. From the dark, spreading stain, I’d been crying a while. “What happened during that fight? What did she say to you?”

I shook my head.

“Please?”

I blinked at him. He shimmered in my sight, more tears welling. “I c-can’t. You won’t understand.” The remorse, the slicing shame…it
hurt.

“You’re safe with me.” He wiped the other side of my face. “Tell me,
ma chérie.
”

That meant “my darling”. Darling was what Grandma called me… I’d never told anyone the details of that fight, but as if I were an eight-year-old child again instead of an adult, that simple endearment cracked my wall of silence. “Lizelle said…she said I was horrible to try to break up her marriage. She c-called me…a monster. A glass monster, all edges that cut. She said…God. She said she never wanted to see me, ever again.” My voice was less than a whisper. Even now the words hurt so much. “My best friend. My only friend. Didn’t. Want. Me.”

“Oh, Alexis.” He spread his hands as if to hug me.

I flinched. Most people enjoyed hugs and felt safe. But I—
I was
that glass monster, all shards on the outside. Sharp edges that cut the flesh of those who dared get close to me.

What people don’t know about glass monsters is that those shards cut on the inside too. Hugs hurt me, desperately.

He paused at the flinch. Seeing my prickly exterior, no doubt hesitant about getting hurt himself.

“Poor angel,” he whispered. Gently, he stroked my hair instead. Offering me the only comfort that didn’t crush the shards of pain deep into my flesh.

He understood.

I broke down and bawled. He only caressed my hair, silently supportive, and occasionally wiped the worst of the mess from my face.

Gradually even a hurricane blows itself out. The sobs waned, until I could hiccup through my tears, “I am a monster. Why couldn’t I have been happy for her? Why did I try to break up her marriage?”

“Because you thought he was using her. You wanted what was best for her. You were young.”

“And destructive.”

“A bit clumsy, maybe.” He smiled gently into my eyes. “It doesn’t make you a monster. Besides, you were right about him, weren’t you? Your instincts about John were bang on.”

“Except…” I couldn’t continue.

The bed rose, him getting up. Moments later, a soft tissue teased against my skin. I reluctantly dropped my hands, saw he had brought me a box. I used at least a half-dozen getting myself under control.

A deep breath, and I went on. “When she did come back into my life, it was the middle of the night. She showed up on my dorm room doorstep—with a black eye. He’d been abusing her verbally, but this time he’d actually hit her. That was the first time she left him and came to me.” I shook my head as if I could shake the past out of it. The pain out of it. “Then her husband called, coaxing her back. I should have done something, anything…but I remembered her calling me a monster the last time. When she wanted to return to her husband to try to work things out, I actually convinced myself that was a good thing. I was an idiot.”

“You were inexperienced,” Luke said. “There’s a difference.”

“No. I was an emotional wreck, and it paralyzed me. He came to take her and I just stood there… Because I was a mess, like this.” I held out my hand, level. It was trembling. “I didn’t,
couldn’t
do anything, and he chivvied her out the door. Except right before he shut it, he gave me the most maleficent grin I’d ever seen and shot me the finger. I tried to go after them, after
him
because I felt like I was letting her go with the devil himself. But I took one step and my legs trembled and wouldn’t work. Because of the mess inside me, I couldn’t follow. Couldn’t do anything except let them go. Let her go, back to a life of abuse.” I covered my face with both hands.

“Alexis…”

“Lizelle left with him that day because these stupid
emotions
made me a hot mess. Because I
knew
what had to be done but instead of dealing with it rationally I let my feelings swamp me, incapacitate me.” I swallowed the truth, and it was hard. “She was right, I’m a glass monster. The only time I’m safe to be around is when the emotions are packed away.”

“But you can’t control feelings, only actions. Feelings—they just are.”

I raised my eyes to him and the sympathy in those hazel eyes was so strong I couldn’t live with the lie. “Then I should have acted. I was studying to be a doctor, for God’s sake. I knew about the cycle of abuse. I
knew
what to do. Why didn’t I tell her how worried I was, help her make a safety plan, encourage her to get into counseling, get
him
into counseling? I should have done so much more—”

“No.” He grabbed my damp face with both hands. “Knowing what should happen isn’t the same as having the ability to make it happen. Are you a vampire? Can you compel a person with your voice? Mesmerize them to do anything you want?”

“No, but—”

“You couldn’t make her leave him until she was ready. Couldn’t make her stop loving him. Hell, even vampires can’t compel emotions, only actions.”

I shook my head. “I still blame myself.”

“You wouldn’t be who you are unless you did.” He kissed the tip of my nose and released my face.

I took another deep breath. “Aren’t you going to get dressed?”

He smiled gently—he knew why I’d asked—and picked up his pants.

While he was distracted, or at least not looking at me with his too-knowing gaze, I finished it. “They didn’t have enough money, and he made her give up the child. Then there was a protracted cycle where he promised he’d change, they’d reconcile, and the renewed abuse would drive Lizelle away. During one of the reconciliations, her daughter Una was born. But when Lizelle left her husband this time, she said it was the last time.” I grabbed his hands; he’d mostly finished dressing, but it wouldn’t have mattered. I needed his touch. “And it was perfect, Luke. Perfect. Not only did I have plans in place to start a DV shelter and give her a home, but the best possible spot in the world for the shelter opened up. Those townhouses.” I squeezed his hands, trying to tell him without words how serious I was. How important this was. “Now she’s going back again? I can’t let her. I
have
to give her a place to be free of him. You can see how sneaky he is—I don’t know how he ended up at the party but here he was, right in place to take advantage of this situation. Well, it’s not happening again. I can’t,
I won’t
let anything stand in the way of my Grand Plan.”