Password to Her Heart (17 page)

“Shawna, I’m Spocko. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

She shook his hand. “I can’t say the same about you,” she said with attitude and gave a look toward Mercury. He raised one eyebrow with his arms crossed in front of his chest and for some reason her ass cheeks ached. She pulled her bottom lip in and waited to see what happened next.

* * * *

They were all gathered around the kitchen table after enjoying lunch. She realized that Mercury had known Spocko the longest, and that they had gone through basic training together.

She avoided his questions when he directed any toward her, and even now, she stayed away from the table and cleaned up from lunch. As she washed a few glasses in the sink, she thought about why Mercury and the others felt she needed to meet this guy and talk to him. She closed her eyes and thought about last night, and how safe and secure she felt wedged between Mercury and Tex. They were better than any medication or sleep aids.

Maybe this was the way the guys were trying to tell her that one of them couldn’t always hold her in their arms while she slept. Maybe this was how the whole ménage thing worked? She wasn’t certain but the idea of sleeping alone again brought on a surge of anxiety. Could she do that? She didn’t want to. She felt the tears reach her eyes. She was becoming too dependent on them. She was losing her ability to handle things alone.

This was what she was afraid of. Cuadrone’s words to her at night, the way he caressed her hair while she fought against exhaustion and pain all came rushing back to her. There were moments when she was so exhausted she wondered if Cuadrone had touched her. She hoped that she would have awoken from the strange sensations but she wasn’t positive. That alone gave her nightmares and anxiety. She tried to bring her mind back to the present, she tried pulling from Mercury’s voice as he spoke to Stitch. But then she saw Cuadrone, and practically felt his touch. She couldn’t sleep alone anymore. She needed Tex, Mercury, Lee, Stitch, and Tiek.

When she felt the hands on her waist, she dropped the glass, shattering it in the sink.

“I didn’t mean to sneak up on you, Shawna. Are you okay?” Lee asked as he caressed her arms and looked her over.

She was shaking. “I’m fine. Just clumsy.”

“I said your name twice.”

“I was daydreaming. What’s going on?” she asked, avoiding looking toward the table and Mercury, especially that Spocko guy.

“I was going to show Spocko the gardens. He hasn’t been here since last spring.”

“Okay. I’ll just make some coffee.” She went to turn the other way, but Lee stopped her. He took her hand and brought it to his lips. He kissed the top.

Holding her gaze, she knew he wanted her to come along.

“Come with us. It’s beautiful outside.”

She was hit with a mix of emotions. She felt angry, confused, scared, and yet flashes of other thoughts went through her mind as she walked outside with Lee and Spocko. She didn’t want to think about anything that happened. Since getting out of the compound, her main focus was Keith, and of course her attraction to Lee, Mercury, Stitch, Tex, and Tiek. Her heart soared with a love for them already. That frightened her, too. She was in love with five men. A woman like her who swore to lock her heart away forever.

The sun was gorgeous and warm against her skin. Lee talked to Spocko about the new trees they planted this spring and how they were building a special area, fenced off from the rest of the flower garden.

“What are you putting in there?” Spocko asked as he leaned against a fence and inhaled the fresh clean air.

“A vegetable garden. Different than the one Tiek started last year. That wasn’t big enough.”

Spocko chuckled. “That was a great garden. I loved the tomatoes and the cucumbers he dropped off.”

“Yeah, he kind of has the magic touch with that,” Lee said.

Shawna listened to the conversation, happy to learn something else about Tiek and Lee, and of course their home. She was cautious as she evaluated Spocko. He seemed sincere. He really was a very attractive man, and maybe she was being too hard. But her heart, her gut was so well trained in being on guard and protecting her, she stepped farther away from him and even Lee. She walked toward the small sitting area. It was gorgeous there, and decorated with wood furniture and cushions in a semicircle around what appeared to be a large fire pit. She could imagine sitting by it at night listening to the sounds of peacefulness. That was what their ranch made her feel. At peace.

She ran her hand along the custom bar made of a combination of wood and stone.

“You like this setup?” Lee asked her, drawing her attention back toward him and Spocko. Spocko took a seat on one of the cushioned chairs. She looked at Lee.

“I do. It’s beautiful. I’ve never seen anything like it before.” She admired their ability to decorate their home both inside and outside. It was obvious that they had money and an ability to buy whatever they wanted, or needed, in life. She was envious of that.

“Shawna, did you know that Lee, Tiek, Stitch, Tex, and Mercury built all of this themselves?” Spocko asked.

She turned to look at him, surprised by his words. She glanced at Lee, who ran a hand along the wall of stone.

“Really? This is impressive, Lee. It must have taken you a long time.” She sat down on one of the chairs where Spocko was.

“It did take us a long time, but every stone, every ounce of sweat we poured into this house, this patio and garden, helped us to heal.”

“To heal?” she asked, feeling her chest tighten.

Lee turned to her and smiled softly. “We had all finally retired from the service after more than fifteen years. It was one of our last missions that did us all in. We didn’t think we’d make it out alive.” He turned away a moment as if remembering the mission. Her belly tightened. He turned back toward them and smiled.

“But, we did. Thanks to Keith and freaking Tiek. That crazy bastard came barreling into a sea of fire and bullets flying, like a goddamn superhero.” He chuckled.

Then he walked over and took a seat next to Shawna. “Your brother helped save his team that day. He wanted to catch Montoya so badly. When he got away, your brother vowed revenge. But the rest of us were just so damn lucky to get out alive. We figured the feds, the government would continue to try and catch him. It wasn’t our problem anymore. Our mission had been a success.”

“Keith wanted revenge on Montoya, the man who was helping to create that missile?” she asked. Her heart began to race. She didn’t want to think about the compound, about being abducted, held hostage, and assaulted.

“I think that’s what got him involved with the undercover job. That and of course Chavez’s pull to set Keith up. What a fucking mess. Keith must have known that Chavez found out about you.” Lee ran his fingers through his hair.

She was silent a few seconds, remembering that day Keith came to her.

“I knew something was wrong the moment Keith showed up. He looked tired, on edge, you know. He warned me that men might come.” She stopped talking, bit her lips, and looked away from them.

“You must have been scared then, and worried about your brother?” Spocko asked her. She didn’t look at him, or at Lee.

She lowered her eyes to her hands. “Keith would never place me in danger on purpose.” She felt her throat clog up. She was getting emotional, letting her guard down, and thinking about those men who grabbed her.

“Of course he wouldn’t. That’s why he came to see you and warn you,” Lee told her.

“Weeks passed before anything happened. Before that night after work,” she began to say.

“Is that when Chavez’s men grabbed you? On your way home from work?” Spocko asked.

She didn’t want to speak or the tears would flow or maybe she would sound scared and shaky. She couldn’t show weakness.

Don’t show any weakness.

“Shawna?” Spocko whispered. She swung her head to look at him.

“Don’t. Don’t sit here and try to force me to do something I don’t want to do.”

“That’s not what we’re trying to do to you. We’re simply talking. Just relaxing out here, by a beautiful sitting area that Lee and his brothers all built, all to get over their own bad memories and experiences from their service,” Spocko said. She looked at Lee and he stared at her straight-faced.

“We were a mess, Shawna. We were always on edge, always ready to attack.”

“I’m not attacking anyone.” She stood up.

Lee grabbed her hand. “Baby, if you talk about it, about what happened, it could help you heal and to sleep at night. Believe me, I know what it’s like to have nightmares, to suffer from PTSD. It’s a process.”

She pulled away from him. “I don’t need your help. I don’t need to relive it all. I just need to focus on Keith. Keith is most important.” She crossed her arms in front of her chest. She felt her body shaking. She didn’t want to go on.

“Of course Keith is important. I’m certain he’ll pull through, and the two of you can talk about things and make some changes in your lives.”

She glanced at Spocko. “That’s the plan. Nothing else matters,” she snapped at him.

“That’s not true. Your feelings matter. The fear you had, the fear you still have that’s stopping you from moving on, is just as important as Keith’s recovery,” Spocko said.

“Listen, there’s no need to go over it all. No need to remember the fear and the pain I felt from the moment those three men attacked me, grabbed me off the street, and knocked me out. I failed. It’s what led to the rest of it all.” She shook her head and looked out toward the grass. She wanted to disappear. She wanted to walk away but her feet felt as if they were planted in the ground.

“You didn’t fail. What makes you say that, Shawna?” Lee asked her. If Spocko had asked her, she would tell him to go to hell. But it was Lee. Dark-blond hair, his hazel eyes, and superb martial-artist body aroused her and made her feel safe. He had protected her from the time he burst through the door in the compound until now. She clung to him, had a need to keep him close to her for protection. He was why she didn’t run right now.

“Shawna?” Spocko said her name.

“I failed because Keith warned me to be careful. He left me a backpack, filled with money, a passport, and things I would need to escape and stay undetected.”

“That was a lot of pressure to put on you. To ask you to change your life for something you knew no details about,” Lee said.

She mumbled under her breath. “You think I’m weak? You think if those men hadn’t knocked me out after I broke one of their noses and took out the knee cap of another that I wouldn’t be capable of going into hiding? You don’t know me, Lee. You don’t know what Keith and I went through, what my life was like until that night.”

“So tell me,” Lee challenged her. She took a deep breath, feeling the anger at the memories invade her body.

“What do you want to know, Lee? About my fucked-up childhood? About being abused by my parents and hiding out in a cubbyhole to stay unharmed? Or maybe you want to know how capable I can be when pushed to the limit?” She raised her voice.

“Calm down, Shawna, we’re just talking,” Lee said.

“No, you calm down. You stop trying to force the issue. Stop trying to make me heal or confess all I’ve done wrong. I know I fucked up. I know I shouldn’t have let them grab me off the street. I should have followed my gut and took off before they could grab me. I could have fought harder.”

“It was out of your control. These men were professionals. Three against one? Come on, Shawna,” Lee stated.

“I should have made them kill me. I should have fought them and ran faster, and made them kill me so I never would have wound up in Mexico.”

“Baby, you fought as hard as you could.”

“No, I didn’t. I didn’t fight when I was dragged crossing the border. I didn’t fight when Cuadrone touched me, tortured me while I sat there tied to the chair.” She turned away and closed her eyes. “He played with my emotions. He whispered things to me when I was too exhausted to block his words or the touch of his hands. He made it seem like I would never get out alive, or be the same person again.”

“Is he who you see at night, while you’re sleeping? This Cuadrone?” Spocko asked.

She closed her eyes and sat down on the seat. “I can feel him. It’s so real. His fingers trailing down my arms, over my breasts, across my thighs. I feel it, I can smell him, the cigars, the sweat, the food odor on his uniform. I never hated anyone so much in my life. Even my parents who hurt me physically and emotionally, I never wished death upon them. But him, his touch, his ability to hurt me in ways no other human being had done before brought me to the breaking point.”

“To the breaking point?” Spocko asked.

She looked at him. “I stared into his eyes. I felt the anger. The hatred consumed me beyond control and even though I pulled that trigger and took his life, he still has power over me. Power I’m just not capable of destroying.” She stood up and started walking away.

“Shawna, wait, don’t go,” Lee said.

“Leave me alone. Just please, leave me alone. That’s what I’m used to. That’s all I’ve ever known.”

* * * *

“Goddamn it, Spocko. Is this the way it’s supposed to go? Now she’s angry with me, with all of us.”