Past Heaven (40 page)

I moved off of Reynolds lap and walked over to the deck railing without saying a word. I looked out over the ocean while gathering my thoughts. I needed to say this correctly. Turning back around, Reynolds had moved and was sitting sideways on the lounger. His elbows were on his knees, and his head was down. It hit me like a ton of bricks that this man, this mega star, this Hollywood icon, was insecure. Over me. In that moment, I believed once and for all that his love was real and true. Reynolds knew, in his head, that he could find another lover if we ended, but his heart told him otherwise. No matter the social status or physical beauty, when someone fell in love—a soul to soul love—no greater fear existed than the loss of that love.

Kneeling in front of him, I placed my hands on his knees. He lifted his head and waited for me to speak.

“You ask me if you’ll be enough. You worry that I’ll tire of second best. You have this impression of Jack that is angelic and perfect, but he lived a human life. When people pass, we want to remember all the good and none of the not-so-good. Let’s face it, there was so much Jack brought to this world that was terrific. Those boys, his work, and his love for me. But none of it was perfect, just like you aren’t perfect.”

The relief in Reynolds face as he absorbed my words about killed me. He was harboring so much insecurity about our relationship. I took his hands in mine and kept going. “You need to know that you’re not second best. There is no best. There’s just different, just you. Jack worked all the time. He made this impact on the community because he devoted himself to it. I was alone much of the time. I resented that, and at times I resented him. I have deep guilt that he devoted himself so much to his job because he wasn’t fulfilled at home.” I paused, blinking back the tears that came after telling someone the fear I had buried so deep in my heart.

“Sometimes we bickered and gave each other the silent treatment. We were a normal married couple. For a very long time, we didn’t have a great relationship in the bedroom.” I took a shaky breath. “Do I want people to know this?” I shook my head. “No. What good could it possibly do? We would never have given up on our marriage, but there were times when I wasn’t completely connected, and I don’t think he was either. Now he’s gone. So I push the bad away and focus only on the good. I miss who Jack was, my partner and the father of my children. I loved him, and still do, but it doesn’t mean he was perfect.”

Tears rolled slowly down my face, and Reynolds dropped onto the floor in front of me, so close that our knees were touching. He grasped my chin and pulled my face up to his. “There’s no way that Jack worked so much because you weren’t fulfilling him. There’s no way. You’re everything, Liz.”

He pressed his lips to mine, urgently, but I pulled back again. I needed to finish. “What I’m trying to say is that you’re more than enough. You’re more than I’ve ever hoped for. I can’t compare loves because they’re unique. You fill my heart completely. You make me want you with an ache I never knew was possible. You are devoted to my children and wonderful to my family and friends. You’re my best friend.” I leaned forward, eyes focused on Reynolds. “I love you with all that I am. I’ll never get enough of you.”

Reynolds closed his eyes and shook his head at my words. Then he wrapped his arms around me and crushed me against him. I could feel the tremors through his body, and I knew he got it. He understood his place in my heart. Holding onto this man I adored so very much, I realized—and let it sink in—that for the first time in over eighteen long months, my heart felt whole again.

“Will you walk me to bed? I know you can’t stay, and you’re right, but will you lay with me for just a minute?”

Reynolds didn’t answer me, he picked me up and carried me to my room.

LIZ HAD THE master suite in the house on the third floor near the kitchen and living room. I was staying on the second level of the house with the boys. Tim had a room on the ground level for security reasons. I laid Liz on her bed and whispered that I would be back. I checked to make sure doors were locked and lights were out. I peeked in on the boys, and they were sound asleep. They had the option to have their own rooms, but they shared a giant bedroom with two sets of bunk beds.

I came back to Liz’s room and found her in the bathroom. She was wearing a tiny white nightgown. Her hair was freed from the braid and flowed down her shoulders in loose waves. I took her by the hand, locked her door, and laid her in bed.

I kissed her on the lips and played with a lock of her hair. “There’s nothing I want more right now than to make love to you, but until I’ve talked to the boys about our relationship, I won’t do that with them under the same roof. Besides, they’re right below us, and I can promise you we wouldn’t be quiet. It’s been too damn long.” Liz giggled and kissed me all over my face and neck. I groaned, feeling her soft lips on me. “I’ve checked, and they’re asleep. I’ll head to my room in a few minutes, but I can’t leave here until I touch you.”

Liz nodded, her lips parted as her breathing increased. “Yes, please. I need to touch you, too.” The air around us pulsed with our need for one another.

I lowered my mouth over hers, hovering above her lips and took her all in. Our breaths mingled, and her scent filled me. We wouldn’t see each other again for a while. I had to remember it all. She splayed her hand across my back and pulled me onto her. She flicked her tongue against my lips, begging me to open. It was like a match lit between us, and we attacked each other. We kissed, sharing all of the emotions from our words spoken outside. I bit her lower lip, pulling it to me, and she laughed before nibbling on mine in return. My hand went down to her breast. Her nipple was puckered, and I rubbed it through her nightie. She moaned and opened her legs. Settling in between, I rubbed against her, and she rocked against me. She pulled away from our kiss, her lips swollen and eyes glazed.

“I love you,” she whispered. I kissed her again, my tongue tangling with hers, as I rubbed her other breast. My hand drifted down under her gown, where,
sweet mercy
, she wasn’t wearing panties. I dipped my fingers in between her legs, and she rained kisses down my neck, gasping with pleasure.

“I love you, too.” I stroked her warmth, over and over, slower, and then faster and harder until she shuddered under me. When her moans became louder, I kissed her, swallowing her sounds as she came. Her body went lax, and she kissed me tenderly before bringing her hand down to me. She slipped her hand inside my shorts and released me.

Oh, shit
. Closing my eyes, she stroked me, her grip firm and controlled.

“I love to feel you in my hands.” She watched me as she spoke, her eyes half-lidded and her chest heaving as her hand moved just a bit faster. “Do you know that? Do you know how good you feel?” I wanted to close my eyes. The feeling was too intense. I hadn’t had a hand job since I was fifteen-years old, but I couldn’t stop her when her small, warm hand pumped me up and down.

“Elizabeth. Liz. Baby.” I came as quietly as I could, my body jerking in her arms. Then we lay, softly kissing until I dragged myself away from the love of my life.

“I MISSED YOU like crazy.” Cindy shoved an éclair in her mouth and smiled, custard oozing out the side of her mouth.

“Blech.” I stuck out my tongue at her. “You eat like you were raised in a barn. What I want to know is where those calories go? You weigh a buck ten. How can you eat like that?”

“Bitching burns more calories than CrossFit. Look it up.” Cindy laughed as I threw my wadded napkin at her face.

“I don’t want to be back home. The beach was great. The boys had a ball, and I really relaxed. Reynolds came and he…he was…he just...”

“Shut it. Seriously. It’s so hard to listen to all your fresh sex stories. I’ve been having the same sex for fourteen years. Ugh. I mean he’s good and all. I’ll give credit where credit is due, but c’mon. Simmer down.” Cindy threw the same napkin back at me, and I burst out laughing.

“Okay, I hear you. If it makes you feel better, the jerk wouldn’t have sex with me.” Cindy’s eyebrows raised in shock. “Not until we’re open about being together, which can’t happen until the movie is released. He did make one big, wonderful, and amazing as hell, exception for my birthday.” I bit my lip and turned away from Cindy who laughed loudly.

“Well it was the big four-O, right? A girl needs a good O when she turns forty.” Cindy snickered and I nodded, solemnly. Truer words were never spoken.

“He insisted that we have to wait until we talk to the boys. Why, oh why, does he have to be the only Hollywood mega-star with morals?” This time we both laughed. “Now I’m off in search of school supplies and counting the minutes until I fly to L.A. This movie premiere can’t get here fast enough.”

Reynolds had flown his stylist to Baltimore to help me choose a dress for the premiere. I picked a short, black halter. It made me feel confident in an area where I was anything but. I was absolutely terrified to be out in front of the public with Reynolds.

“I can’t wait for my swag.” Cindy was attending the premiere with me. She claimed it was so Reynolds and I wouldn’t maul each other at the hotel, wrecking the months of work we had put into hiding our relationship. But I knew she wanted a chance to meet the stars. I didn’t care what her rationale was, I needed her moral support.

The movie was named:
Life Changing: The Jack Atwater Story
. It was getting rave reviews from critics. Buzz was circulating that many of the actors would be nominated for awards. Reynolds had told me I would be blown away by Michael Doogan’s acting. He thought Michael could possibly be up for an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. This was ground breaking, and everyone was excited to be a part of it. People felt Jack’s mission and wanted to share in the message that would hopefully be communicated across the country.

It was the last gift I was able to give to Jack, and it was all because of Reynolds.

Cindy giggle snorted for the third time.

“Why do you get pedicures if you’re so ticklish?” I tried to hold in my laughter, but she was too comical, shifting in her spa chair like she was being tortured.