Patriotic Duty (14 page)

CHAPTER 20

I
stared, not knowing what to say. He took another step toward me and was still
smiling. The dark blue ocean depths of his eyes were the same, still framed by
those dark lashes, and his hair was the same, except he was missing part of it
by his ear, which was also somewhat disfigured, matching what I could only
assume were burn scars on his face.

This time I did drop the
suitcase along with my purse, and launched myself into his arms, almost
knocking him down. He placed his arms around me so tight, I almost couldn’t
breathe. I heard him inhale into my hair and I could feel his body shake, as if
he was crying. If he was, I didn’t want to see it.

We stood like that for
what seemed like forever. It had to be minutes at least. He smelled the same.
He felt familiar and I couldn’t stop the tears leaking down my face as a
million memories came flooding into my mind in a barrage of pictures. Our first
meeting, our first kiss, our first time making love in the early Saturday
morning light in my bedroom.
The concert on the Fourth of
July.
Our time in Reno when he had punched someone out
for insulting me.
Everything came back and it felt as if I had only been
away from him for days – not over a year.

“I couldn’t do it anymore,
Cara. I couldn’t stay away,” he murmured into my hair. “I’m too weak.”

When I had finally
composed myself and mustered up the courage to pull away, I did so gingerly and
looked into his face. “Oh, God, Riley,” I said.

It was awful. He was still
beautiful, just different. I reached up to touch the scars with my fingertips
and he pulled away.

“I… I’m sorry,” I
whispered.

“No, I’m sorry. I knew
you’d be here. I was waiting for you. I just had to see you,” he said, his
wonderful blue eyes flicking between mine, as if searching for approval.

I shook my head slightly.
“How?
How did you know?”

He smiled again, the burn
marks on his face stretching almost painfully-looking.
“Facebook.
You know, you really should adjust your privacy settings. I saw you left San
Francisco about two hours ago and I knew you’d be here sooner or later.”

“I don’t understand why
you want to see me,” I said quietly, breaking from his grip to go pick up my
suitcase and purse.

He immediately relieved me
of my suitcase and said, “Because I still love you. I never stopped.”

A twinge of anger began to
seep its way up from my gut, but before I let it spew from my mouth, I took a
breath and calmly asked, “So, where’s your girlfriend?”

He lowered his head and
shook it. “There never was one.”

I narrowed my eyes at him.
“Liar.”

He lifted his eyes and
looked at me once more. “You’re right. I am a liar. I had to lie to you after I
got back.”

He grabbed my hand and led
me back to the bench I’d been sitting on, setting the suitcase down and making
me sit. He kept hold of my hand and when I looked down at his, I could see the
same scars on his left hand and I wanted to cry all over again.

“I was a wreck when I got
back.
Half dead.
I was shocked you said I had called
you from Israel because I don’t remember doing so. I was doped up on morphine
and God knows what else.” He paused and stared into my eyes. Then he took a
deep breath. “We were on patrol and a roadside bomb went off. I lost two
friends,” his voice hitched at that and I felt the hot tears sting my eyes once
more. He took another breath and continued. “I was on fire for fifteen seconds
before someone put it out. Fifteen seconds of hell. I thought I was going to
die. I thought I would never see you, or my parents, or my brother again. As I
passed out in the back of the rig, I saw your face in my mind, and I thought
that was it.”

He stopped and I just
listened. I had a million questions but I felt like he needed to talk. And even
though he was so hurt, so broken, I was still selfishly angry with him. He’d
been through hell. But so had I.

“They airlifted me to
Israel. They have great doctors there, and I’m grateful they helped me as much
as they did. But I’ll always be this,” he finished, touching to his face. “I
just couldn’t let you see me like this when I got back so I made everything up.
I knew it would be the only way you would take no for an answer. You deserve
better – you and Aiden – and I knew you had your pick of whoever you wanted,
and I certainly wouldn’t be that person.”

I felt like he was done
for now, so I said, “That wasn’t your decision to make, Riley. I died that day
you called and said you didn’t want to see me. A piece of my heart and soul
were ripped to shreds. I haven’t even been with anyone else since I was with
you. I just couldn’t…” I trailed off.

He seemed surprised by my
whispered confession, but I wasn’t sure he bought it.

He stood up. “Do you want
to get out of here?”

I nodded. “Yes, please.”

I had taken a cab to the
airport to avoid paying parking fees so we got into his red Toyota pickup truck
and I stared at him in the harsh natural light of the day. It was slightly
overcast, bloated white clouds looking as if they were threatening snow were
off in the distance and I felt happy to be back in Colorado despite that.

I wanted to cry all over
again looking at his face. Not because I found the scars ugly or even
unattractive, I still felt the same way I had always felt about him, but
because they were a reminder of why he had lied to me – of why he felt he
needed to deceive me into not seeing him.

We walked into his modest
apartment that was very much furnished like a bachelor pad. There was a
ten-speed bike propped against the wall and mismatched couches in the living
room. It wasn’t tacky; it was just very much a man’s house.

He dropped my suitcase
next to the door and picked me up and carried me to his room. He set me down on
his bed, which was a very simple queen-sized mattress with no headboard. A tall
dresser was set in the corner and there was a thin closet door next to a small
window in the corner.

I sat cross-legged on the
bed and he unzipped his hoodie and tossed it onto a chair in the corner. He was
wearing a plain white T-shirt underneath and I could see the burn scars
extended up his arm. He went over to an iPod dock and hit a few buttons,
turning on Sugarland’s latest album, which crooned quietly through the speakers.

He saw me staring and
said, “I’m hideous. Do you see why I had to let you go? Who would want to be
with me? You deserve better.”

I was starting to get
angry now and I narrowed my eyes at him. “You don’t get to decide what I
deserve. You don’t get to make decisions for me. I really couldn’t care less
what kind of scars you have, Riley. Did I really come off that shallow when we
were together? Did you think I only cared about the skin on the man, rather
than the man inside? A chunk of my heart is still gone, and I want it back.
You’ve been holding onto it for so long, I’ve learned to live with the pain, despite
the daily reminders I get by living here.”

He pulled his T-shirt off
and I could see even more scars along the left side of his chest. The hair was
gone there, in fact, there was no hair at all on his chest, and I assumed he
must have shaved or waxed it off, as it probably made him self-conscious that
he had only had half left. Despite the scars, however, his stomach, chest, and
arms were extremely toned and hard, much more so than they’d been during our
summer together.

He sat back down in front
of me and slid my leather jacket off my shoulders and it fell to the bed behind
me with a thud. I gently ran my fingers along the scarring on his chest, and
this time, he let me.

“Does it hurt?” I asked,
not looking at him.

He shook his head.
“No, not anymore.
I’ll spare you the story of my months of
therapy and the six surgeries and skin grafts I’d had to repair the skin.”

My eyes flicked back up to
him and flashed in anger. “No, you won’t. You’ll tell me every damn detail. You
deprived me of being here for you, and I want to hear it all. You owe me that.”

He nodded and looked down.
“I just can’t believe you still want me.”

I grabbed his face with
one hand and made him look at me. “That will be the last time you say that, get
it?
Every time you say that from here on out, you will owe me
a piece of jewelry.”

His eyes moved down to my
throat and I could tell he was eyeing the three-stone diamond necklace. I wore
it whenever I wasn’t at work and today was no exception. I’d even had it on at
the wedding, where it will be forever immortalized in pictures.

He reached up and touched
it. “You kept it?”

I smiled then looked at
him with a puzzled expression. “What else would I have done with it?”

“Well, you do like to hock
jewelry from men who have wronged you.”

I laughed.
“Touché.
But no, I would never give this away. It means a
lot to me.”

I gazed at him, willing
him to kiss me. I didn’t care about his scars. I stared at him for a while as
he stared back at me. I finally said, “I can’t believe I had to live without
you for over a year. It killed me living here, knowing you were so close,
terrified I would run into you and your imaginary girlfriend. All over some
burn scars. I still love you, Riley. I never stopped.”

He froze and I realized it
was the first time he had heard me say it. “Cara, the scars aren’t the only
reason I made you stay away.”

I stopped breathing; what
other bombshell he could possibly drop on me?

“I…” he seemed to be
having trouble speaking again.

“Riley, just spit it out,
okay?”

“Cara, I… I can’t have
kids.”

I was confused. “What? I
don’t understand.”

“The accident in
Afghanistan… I was told by the doctor that it destroyed something inside of me.
I don’t really understand it, but I was just told I can’t produce sperm
anymore. I… I’m sorry.”

I sat quietly. I hadn’t
really given much thought on whether or not I’d want more children in the
future. My first reaction had always been no – I only wanted Aiden and never
wanted to get myself into a position where I’d have to be divorced with kids
again. It had been too hard and too ugly. But being a mother was important to
me and always wondered if I met the right man, if I would want more.

This wasn’t something I
was going to hold against Riley. My God, he’d gone overseas and almost died to
protect my freedoms and there was no way I was going to reject him over this. I
already had a child, I wasn’t going to be selfish and reject him just to have
more. Aside from this, it wasn’t a thought I wanted to entertain right now.
Riley was here! He was right in front me and I wanted nothing more than to feel
him, to touch him, to feel him love me.

I looked into his
expectant face and smiled. “I don’t care, Riley. That doesn’t make me want you
any less. You think you’re damaged and broken – but who isn’t? I certainly am.
My scars are on the inside. They are my souvenirs from journeys I’ve taken in
life. I’ve been through a lot in my life and those treasured scars are the
reminders that life is precious. These,” I said, running soft touches over the
scars on his chest, “are yours. They will remind you that you can’t take
anything for granted. You lost me, you lost two friends,
you
almost lost your life. But you were given a second chance. Are you going to
live your life and enjoy everything it has to offer, or are you going to
continue to hide under that hoodie and think nobody wants to see you? You’re a
wounded warrior, a soldier who made a sacrifice. You should be proud of that,
not ashamed.”

I could tell he was
fighting hard to keep tears from falling. He leaned forward and put his forehead
against mine, staring into my eyes. I looked back into his, his soul seeming to
illuminate out behind his eyes. Then he suddenly kissed me and I melted as his
hot mouth found mine. Oh, how I’d missed his kisses, his touch. His hand
slithered into my hair and he grabbed it at the scalp in the back. Goose bumps
engulfed my entire body as flames of desire licked their way up my entire being
and settled in the pit of my stomach, coming to rest between my legs in a dark,
desperate desire I hadn’t felt in such a long time.

At my groan, he smiled
into my mouth before his tongue snaked into it and he pushed me back on the
bed. He swiped my leather jacket off the bed and it fell to the floor. He lay
halfway on top of me, kissing my mouth with more desperation than I’d ever felt
in him. I was frantically returning his kisses, both of us gasping and
groaning, feeling as though it had been a thousand years since we’d been
touched. I could feel more warm tears sliding out of my eyes, splashing his
bedspread below me and he broke the kiss and stared at me. Bringing a hand up
to my face, he wiped away a tear with his thumb.

“What’s the matter?” He
looked worried.

I shook my head, ashamed
at my tears. “Nothing, Riley. I’m just so glad I have you back. I can’t live
without you. Please say you won’t ever do that to me again. Please.”