Paycheque (4 page)

But Paycheque was there again while she filled the kettle, turned it on, and put a tea bag in her mug. The small bay colt with the unusual enquiring tilt to his head, large expressive eyes, and level-headed willingness beyond his age. She thought about what Derek had said. Horses refusing to go into barriers was just part of racing. If they cracked under the pressure, their career was over. Just like any other elite athlete. Only the best horses were worth investing in. And the others… She hated to think about it. But it really was a part of life.

Paycheque was still on her mind when she got back to her desk. Jack had said over and over that he wasn't ready to race. He shouldn't even have been there, shouldn't have been given the chance to fail. But Jack had also said he'd showed the most promise of any of his horses over the years. They were just words, weren't they? Jack had always thought big – bigger than he should, if Claire was being honest. But
now that she thought about it, Claire didn't remember him being so vehement about a horse's potential, or so attached to one. Paycheque hadn't been just one of many, he'd held a really special place in Jack's heart. Shit, what had she done? She rubbed a hand across her face.

Maybe it was part of some sick plan of Derek's, some sort of reverse psychology. It could be anything with Derek, you just never knew. Or maybe it was even worse than he'd let on – he hadn't wanted to completely lose his tough guy, racehorses-are-just-a-means-for-making-money attitude and was really concerned. If that was true, after what he'd seen in his time at the track and behind the scenes, it meant things were looking really bad for the little horse. But there was nothing she could do now, was there?

No, she'd kept things together through losing Keith and Jack's illness; now was definitely not the time to go all soft. She had to keep focussed. It was certainly not the time to go gallivanting off on some ridiculous crusade to rescue a racehorse who, for all she knew, had spat the dummy, turned dangerous and was no longer any good. Hell, he'd probably be a dud anyway – Jack had had enough of them over the years. She really had to put Paycheque out of her mind.

Four days later, Bernadette and Claire were curled up on Bernadette's three-seater lounge with glasses of wine and an uncorked bottle on the coffee table in front of them.

‘So,' Bernie said. ‘Anything in particular you want to do this weekend?'

‘Well I do have a bit of work I need to get done.'

‘All work and no play – you know what they say.'

‘You'll be at the shop all morning tomorrow.'

‘Ah yes, but that's hardly work – I love it.'

‘Well I could say the same, I…'

‘Really?' Bernadette demanded, staring hard at her.

‘Actually, no.' Claire sighed wearily. ‘But it's something I need to get done.'

‘I rest my case.' Bernadette downed the rest of her wine and reached for the bottle.

‘So that's tomorrow morning covered. What about afterwards?'

‘Well…' Claire fidgeted with the stem of her glass.

‘Yes?'

‘I think it's time I faced going out to the farm.'

‘If you're sure you're ready.'

‘I don't even understand what I'm so afraid of.'

‘That's the thing about fear – it isn't always rational. So what's the latest with Jack?'

‘No change. Stubborn old bugger.' Claire smiled weakly.

‘Well I think he'll be happy you're going out to the farm.'

‘Bernadette?'

‘Yeah.'

‘Do you think people in a coma can hear what's going on around them?'

‘Yes, I do. Why?'

‘I'd hate him feeling he's a burden.'

‘Well I don't think he'd want you beating yourself up on his account.'

‘I just feel so helpless. There's nothing I can do to help him.'

‘Except get on with life – make the best of things.'

‘I
am
getting on with life.'

‘You think so, huh?'

‘What? I've got a good job, roof over my head – I'm not exactly a burden on society.'

‘But Claire, are you happy all alone in that big house?'

‘Uh-oh, I can feel a lecture coming on. Or worse – a blind date.'

‘Damn, why didn't I think of that? Seriously though, Claire, you do need to get out more. What about that guy Derek – from the office?'

‘Derek? Bernie, he's my boss!'

‘I thought he was nice at that party you invited me to.'

‘Well you're welcome to him. Anyway, what would you know, you were pissed, you had your beer goggles on girly.'

‘I wasn't that bad.'

‘Ah, how quickly we forget. Do the words “straw” and “champagne” ring any bells?'

‘Um, actually, yes, you can stop right there.' Bernadette grinned sheepishly.

The next morning, Claire was restless and couldn't focus on the work she had to do. Bernie's cottage felt cold and too quiet without its effervescent owner banging about. She took a walk around the garden that was a perfect compromise between rambling and tailored, stopping to pat one of Bernie's cats – the big sleek black male – who was curled up under the lemon tree, snoozing in the sun.

Something didn't feel right inside. But what? She'd spent heaps of weekends like this – alone at the house while Bernadette was at the shop.

More than being just bored or restless, Claire realised she felt compelled to go to the farm. And she had to do it alone, without Bernadette's deliberate good-natured chatter keeping her from thoughts too morose.

Claire's heart pounded heavily as she turned into the driveway and the car vibrated over the cattle grid. As she made her way up the corrugated rubble track, she felt an odd sensation that everything had changed yet nothing had changed.

The wild oats wavered in the stiff breeze just like they always did this time of year. Cream–coloured dust rose in a cloud behind her car. The gum trees stood in the same solemn rows, neither bluer nor browner nor even any taller. The only changes were the empty roadside paddocks: the absence of colts and fillies frolicking about, their owner's hopes resting on their withers. A crow scrounged about on the ground, picking through old piles of dung for something edible.

Claire's throat tightened. It was too hard. She should have waited for Bernie after all. She stopped the car, turned in her seat to see how
far she'd come, then turned back to look up the track. She was over halfway.

Claire closed her eyes and conjured how it used to be: Jack out there in his trademark Akubra, Yakka work pants, long sleeves, and oilskin coat when it was cold; long-reining a youngster along the fence, teaching it all about the bit, changing direction, and balance. It was what he'd been doing when he'd had his accident. Bill and Daphne had found him on the ground and the horse grazing nearby, the long reins trailing behind him. God knew how they'd managed to catch the damn animal and get all the gear off safely – that one had been a snarly beast at the best of times. They'd followed the ambulance to the city and called Claire from the hospital.

Claire opened her eyes and studied the area around her. Thankfully there was no sign of what had happened. She closed her eyes and forced herself to think again about the good times.

When she was younger, Claire had always arrived in jodhpurs and boots, with helmet and gloves in the car. Often when she'd rolled down the window to wave he'd stop and call out, ‘Love, would you mind just hopping on him for me?'

Ninety percent of the horses he'd trained had had her on their backs first. She'd loved being included, even after choosing a career outside racing. She still liked the idea of it, just liked the regular income more. She'd seen how much her mother had gone without. But she'd also seen how much she'd loved her husband. Grace McIntyre would have lived in a caravan without complaint if she'd had to. There was no way Claire could have done it.

Claire was glad her father hadn't just given up on life after her mother had died suddenly of a heart attack five years ago. Though she had noticed much of the enthusiasm had left him. It was like he was just going through the motions. No longer could he run in the kitchen door, clutching his stopwatch to show his latest protégé's time, face beaming like a little boy's. They'd been the perfect team: Jack the passionate one, prone to getting carried away; Grace the steadying
rational force, keeping things real, and keeping the bank manager at bay.

Claire swallowed hard. She looked behind her then back up the driveway to the mass of trees that hid the shabby, basic weatherboard home she'd grown up in. Bernadette was the only friend she'd not been too embarrassed to invite out to the rundown, untidy farm.

It was time Jack got real, ended this nonsense. He'd been slowly winding down anyway, hadn't he? Thirty years was long enough for chasing rainbows and the elusive pot of gold. At least he'd be able to say it hadn't been his decision, and could bow out with his dignity intact. He'd thank her for that, wouldn't he?

So what was she so afraid of? Was it the guilt of being the one to end his dreams after all these years? Even her mother hadn't done that.

When he came out of the coma he was likely to be incapacitated. Surely he wouldn't want the constant reminder of what he could no longer do. The place really wasn't the same without the horses. But she hadn't had a choice, had she?

Her grip was as tight on the steering wheel as sweaty palms allowed. Her knuckles were beginning to ache. Claire took a deep breath, put the car in gear and slowly edged forward. Outside the car, the fence posts and dry paddocks began to blur as she picked up speed. She kept her eyes fixed on her destination, forcing herself not to think about what was missing, or exactly what had become of the horses that had once provided so much atmosphere.

Claire pulled into the carport behind the old white rust-stained ute, just like she had so many times before. When she turned the key and got out it felt like nothing had changed; she could have been going in to share a lunch of steak, chips and eggs with her father before he put her to work cleaning stables or mixing feeds. But when she reached the back door, reality hit. She'd had a new lock fitted a couple of days after her father had been rushed to hospital. The key was in her glove box.

Claire left it where it was, deciding instead to look around outside and enjoy the soothing sun on her back. She walked around the side, past her mother's shade-house that was now empty except for a few skeletons of plants scratching at each other in the gusty breeze. The unusual orange and chocolate leopard-spotted rock, once a childhood treasure and proud feature of the corner fernery, was now covered in spiders' webs and dead leaves. Claire moved on, swallowing thoughts of how devastated her mother would be if she could see it.

The gates of the day yards in front of each of the four stables stood open, and the piles of manure dotted around bore evidence of the hasty evacuation. Each water trough had an unhealthy layer of green slime covering its surface. Claire leapt back in fright as a sudden gust caused a loose sheet of roof iron to flap and then settle with a piercing squeal. She was halfway through a mental note to have someone out to fix it when she realised how ridiculous she was being. She could fix the damn thing herself – she'd helped her dad build them in the first place. Anyway, he'd be disappointed if she paid someone for something so simple. ‘More money than sense,' he'd say. ‘That's the city life for you.' And of course he'd be right. An only child, she'd been raised a tomboy, and had been more capable with cars and DIY than most boys her age. But since she'd left the farm she'd adopted the ‘pay someone else to do it, my time is too important' attitude.