Peace in My View (10 page)

Chapter 23

Gentry

I
’m not sure how, I thought, I was gonna feel when I saw Ariana coming down the aisle, but it wasn’t even close to this. It’s unexplainable. As soon as I see her, my knees go weak, trembling uncontrollably. Every sound in the room is muffled. I feel light-headed and a bit dizzy; I can feel my heart beating in my ears. Yeah, I’m seconds from passing smooth out. I feel the tears and look down at my Momma. She is mouthing for me to breathe, so that’s what I do. I am so thankful she is here. I take a deep breath and look to my bride. She is absolutely breath-taking for sure, my whole world stops. All I can see is her. I can’t wipe the smile from my face. Staring at her staring at me seems never-ending, and before I know it, her dad is shaking my hand and handing her over to me. He is a man of few words. I haven't even properly met him only spoken on the phone, and he is giving his daughter to me. My God. I’m dizzy again, and this time it’s Ari that whisper for me to breathe. I can’t even remember to breathe, that’s how beautiful she looks. I love that she wore her hair away from her neck, just for me. Her dress is hugging all of her perfect curves.

We say our vows and exchange rings. Now, for my favorite part,

“ Gentry now you may kiss your bride.”

“Yes Sir,” and boy do I ever! Cupping my hand around her neck, thumbs rubbing back and fourth on her jawline, I pull her in for our signature kiss. Damn, it feels amazing to kiss my wife. With quick movements, I place my arms around her waist and dip her back, never breaking the kiss. The barn is a chorus of cheers, and I can’t help but feel overcome with happiness. We take pictures and have our first dance. Ari dances with her dad, and I dance with my momma briefly.

I couldn't wait for the cutting of the cake. I had always dreamed of smashing cake in my future wife’s face ever since I was a boy and I watched it at the weddings we had attended over the years. The best part was I was married to the best woman ever, and she wouldn’t be mad that I fulfilled my childhood dream.

When the time came, Ari smashed that cake in my face just as fast as I did hers. We were both covered in cake and frosting. Apparently, that was her favorite part of weddings too. She was everything I ever thought I wanted. I couldn’t wait to see the photos. We weren’t going on a honeymoon right away. I couldn’t leave while momma was sick, so we decided it was best to wait awhile. So all of us, except for Momma, stayed in the barn for hours. I was exhausted, but I wasn’t going to sleep without making love to my wife. I was excited to get her out of that gorgeous dress. I carried her over the threshold of my room, feeling a bit silly. I told her someday I would carry her over the threshold of our first home, and thank her for being so wonderful and understanding. Once we were in my room, I wasted no time removing her dress, and wow she was completely bare beneath. The feel of her soft skin felt like silk under my hands, and I could not remember ever being so turned on. There is just something about making love to your wife that doesn’t compare to any other experience. Ariana didn’t just make me hard, she sent every cell in my body into a frenzy. I was getting a second wind. I might just make love to this beautiful woman all night.

We spent the next days in wedded bliss. I didn’t do anything around the ranch, and she didn’t have work. We rode horses and she showed me how to take pictures with her camera. We enjoyed a picnic at sunset before making love in our favorite spot. One day she even allowed me to take a few pictures of her naked in the field by the hill where we first met; yeah, she was giving me those for my birthday. Life seemed normal and almost perfect… .

Then it all went to hell.

I sit with momma as she takes her last breath. Ari and I had just gotten back from a movie in town. I'm so glad I made it back in time or else I would've never forgiven myself. I can't believe I've lost the only parent I have left. I hate the hell out of cancer. I hate the fact that good innocent people could even encounter such a horrible disease. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but I keep myself composed for the rest of the people in the room. I am thankful Momma got to be in her home and comfortable. The drugs the nurse gave her continually helped with that. I will never forget her last words.

"Oh, Neal. I have waited for so long to see you again. I have missed you. Gentry, I wish you could see what I'm seeing." All this was said in a faint whisper, but I know I heard her correctly. Tears pricked my eyes, and I had to get out of there. I kissed Momma's hand and stood. I looking to Ari.

" I need a minute, OK." Rubbing my arms, she pulls me into a tight hug.

"I'm so sorry, Gentry." I hold on to her as long as I can without collapsing and let go, then head outside without another word. I head straight to my truck, hop in, and tear ass, gravel flying everywhere. I drive as far and as fast as I can before pulling over and taking all my anger and rage out on my steering wheel. Then I do scream. I scream at God, and I cry my eyes out. You know what I hate more than cancer? I hate death….

I return to the ranch about 30 minutes later. Ari had said that the funeral home was on their way, and she didn't want me to be gone when they took Momma. Evidently my momma didn't think I would have the strength to handle her arrangements, so she had already worked those out. The nurse had made the necessary calls. Momma wanted to be cremated, so all I have to do is sign a piece of paper and get a memorial together.

I married the most amazing woman in the world. I'm sure every man thinks that about his wife, but I really did. Ariana has done everything for me. I wouldn't, couldn’t, get through this without her. She made an amazing slide show of pictures. She, Liv, and Aunt Mona went through all of Momma's photos, and something I didn't know is Ariana had been taking photos of my momma through the whole process. Normally, I would say I didn't want these types of photos in the slideshow, or I wouldn't have, had I known about them. Seeing them now though, the composition of them doesn't focus on the cancer but the intimate moments. Like one where I'm holding Momma's hand. In one Momma is laughing, and the lens is zoomed in where you can see her crinkles—that's what she always liked to call them—in black and white. God, I miss her so much. Ariana also let everyone know when and where. There was a small church in town Momma attended when she was well, and that's where we decided to have it. It's a quaint little church with small town roots, and I think it fits my momma perfectly.

I have held myself together so far, but I wrote something for Momma, and I'm going to read it at the memorial. I'm getting a little antsy. I will probably lose it. Maybe Ari will read it for me.

Here she is now, walking into our room, looking way too good to be going to a memorial.

"Woman, what are you trying to do to me?" I ask

“ What do you mean?" she questions making her way to where I sit at the edge of the bed. I'm not sure it's ok to be thinking the things I'm thinking right now in this moment. Honestly, I just want to throw her down and get lost for a while. I need to get a grip.

“You just look so damn hot. I'm not sure I will be able to focus on anything else but you. It could get awkward, you know, being at a church and all,” I tease.

“You want me to change?” I don't want her to change. I love when she takes my mind off of my grief.

“Not at all. You’re perfect. I might need you to do me a favor though… could you read what I wrote? I’m not sure I can,” I explain and give her my saddest face to convey how much I need this from her.

“Gentry, I really think you need to do this. I can step in the moment it gets too be to much for you.” I guess that will have to work. I nod in agreement. There’s not much else I can do. Damn it! I don’t want to be doing this. Ari kisses me briefly before leaving me alone again. I wish I wasn’t an only child right about now.

“
Eleanor Sloan was the absolute best mother a child could have. I’m not certain how I will manage without her.”
I take a few deep breaths. I can do this. I hope.
“
She was there for me, for every scraped knee and broken bone. She was at every football,basketball, and baseball game I ever played.
She encouraged me in every endeavor. She loved me even when I wasn’t easy to love. There are lots of things I wish I had done differently as a son. I didn’t always do right, but her love
never wavered.”
God this is so hard. I take a minute to compose myself. Ariana stands to come to me, but I signal for her to stay put. I need to do this for me.
“
I know that all of you here know the woman my Momma was. This is an excruciating loss, I’m completely devastated.”
I can’t read from my paper anymore. I decide to wing it. “
She went out of her way for her friends and family. She loved my dad and me with everything she had. She wanted lots of children but was unable to have anymore after me. All my life I was glad I was an only child up until this point.”
That makes everyone laugh. Thank God. It was getting hard to breath. “
She was relentless in getting me married off to my beautiful wife, and I will never have the chance to express my complete gratitude for that. She said she knew the first time she saw Ari and me together that we loved each other. I loved my momma so much, and forever would've never been enough time with her. She is no doubt happy to be reunited with my dad, and she is no longer in pain. For this, I’m grateful. Thank you all for coming to pay your respect to my momma.”
With that, the Pastor takes over, and I have a seat beside Ari.

Chapter 24

Loss: the fact or process of losing something or someone;the state or feeling of grief when deprived of someone or something of value.

Ariana

I
had never lost anyone I loved before. Eleanor came into my life and made a mark.

Even though we knew it was coming, even prepared ourselves, nothing could prepare me for such a devastating loss. The thing I have to come to know about death is that it doesn’t care who you are, or how much you love someone. It doesn't consider that you need more time, that you haven’t said or done all the things you wanted. That is how I felt right now, like I had only just met Eleanor, and although we packed a lot into the months together, there were so many things I didn’t know. I didn’t know how to help her son, my brand new husband, get through the loss of his mother when I wanted to grieve, too. I’m trying to hold it together, trying to be strong for Gentry, but I’m dying on the inside. Gentry had asked me to read his letter to his mom at the memorial, but I didn’t think I had it in me. I was never more grateful for his strength, he made it through with only a few short breaks.

Loss is hard on the people losing. Loss is different for everyone. Some people feel angry, some are consumed by their grief, and some live in denial, filling up the pain with drugs, alcohol, or sex. I want nothing more than to face mine head on. Eleanor wouldn’t want it to consume me.

I can tell that is what’s happening for Gentry,though. Through the preparations and memorial, he was holding it all together. I was waiting for the break down, but it didn’t come. I can feel the change in him, like he isn’t really here. Peck had left after the wedding and wasn’t able to come back for the memorial because he had already been gone too long and needed to work. Mona went home yesterday, and Liv had school, so here I was, stuck with my husband I loved, but I didn't have any idea how to make it better for him. Not even ten years after losing his dad, he lost his mom. I’m not sure I could recover, so how am I supposed to help him?

He had already put the ranch up for sale, and we were in the process of moving his things from the ranch to my house, not to mention all my things that had made their way there, as well.

His momma had left the ranch to him, but her will stated that Cal and the other hands had to be contracted in to stay on there, meaning whoever bought it had to agree to keep the hands on or they couldn't purchase the property. Once the ranch sold, he was to give a portion of the sale to his aunt for all she had done while Eleanor was sick. She left Liv and Peck a bit of cash as well. She must’ve changed her will recently, because she made it a point to say she didn’t leave me anything because if it didn’t work out for her son, I would get half of everything he had. Liv and I had busted out laughing when the lawyer read that part out loud. Greatness is what that was. God, I was gonna miss that woman.

3 weeks later

“Run away with me, Ari. Let’s just get out of here for a while. I just want to forget for a little while.” Is he serious? Yes he is serious. He has been making subtle hints since we started staying at my house. I think at first he thought if he just got out of that house, he would be fine, but I could tell he wasn’t adjusting here, either.

“I can’t leave right now, Gentry. I want to. I do, but I have obligations here.” It was fall, and my busiest time of year. I had regular sessions I already had scheduled. I felt horrible leaving him alone when I worked. I need to stay busy. It helped me cope. “You go do what you need to do. Go visit Peck.” I didn’t want him to go because honestly, I was terrified he wouldn’t come back to me. I wanted him to find a way to grieve his mom, though, however or wherever that might be.

“You’re my wife. I can’t just leave you here while I run away to another state.” It would crush me.

“What goes up, always comes down. When it does, you know where to find me. I’m yours, that’s one thing for sure. It wouldn’t change with distance. Look, how about this, just go see if it helps you to get away. If so, that’s what you need to do. As soon as I’m free, if you are not back, I will come to you.” I would, honestly, I would follow him anywhere at this point. If we did move somewhere, I would just have to find a way to take my best friend with me.

Gentry left the very next day. I tried not to be upset. I had told him to go. I just hoped he wouldn’t. I was gonna need Liv and a half gallon of Blue Bell. Thank God the famine was over.