Peace Work (22 page)

Correction. “
I
am spending a fortune on taxis.”

“True,” he says, “you are living beyond my means,” and makes like Groucho Marx, eyebrows wiggling, inane grin.

Toni wants to know why I’m laughing. To explain, I would have to describe again what the Marx Brothers are like. It’s rather like trying to teach the theory of relativity to a Chinese peasant – not that Miss Fontana has the mind of a Chinese peasant, but in this case she might as well have. I just say that they are American comedians. “Worse,” says the evil Mulgrew, “they’re Jewish.”

At the hotel, there is little sign of anybody so the girls withdraw to their room to do whatever girls do in rooms. Mulgrew heads for the wine bar next door. In the absence of any other interesting direction I follow him, sheeplike. I have a brandy and coffee to stiffen the sinews and vibrate the Swonnicles.

“I think I’ve had enough of this tour,” ventures Mulgrew; then, with great feeling, “I want to go home.” Though his body was in Rome, his eyes were in Glasgow – but! His gullet was in a wine bar. He downs wine like a thirsty camel at an oasis. After one I’ve had enough. “Deserting a sinking alcoholic, eh?” he says.

In my room, I write a long overdue letter to my pal in the Battery, Harry Edgington. I tell him of my new-found fame and ten pounds a week wages. I take great pride in the last-mentioned because I think I am in the top wage-earning bracket. I miss the boys in the Battery and especially playing the trumpet with the Battery dance band, the Boys of Battery D, as we were called. That, too, would never happen again – another stepping stone in life that I would never tread again. What was it like being stationed in Holland? Had he married Peg, his childhood sweetheart? Perhaps, when we were both back in England, we’d play together again; perhaps…I write to Mother, acknowledging the parcel she sent, and pose the question as to why she labelled a parcel containing suppositories and cigarettes ‘socks’. I presume it was a ploy to deter thieves. Why not mark the parcel ‘Live Snakes’ or ‘Rancid Meat’? I write to my dear, romantic father, urging him to start on his autobiography. He has a title,
Saddle, Sabre and Spur
, that’s been on his typewriter for ten years. It was still on it when he died.

Mulgrew returns. Either they’ve run out of drink, or he’s run out of money. He flops on his bed and lights a cigarette. He doesn’t speak; he is gazing at the ceiling and blowing the smoke heavenwards. He still doesn’t speak.

“Let me guess,” I say. “You have taken the vow of silence and are on your way to a monastery.”

He smiles. “No, Jimmy, I’m a bit low today.”

“You’re low every day; it’s the curse of duck’s disease.” He doesn’t answer but continues staring at the ceiling. In case there’s anything up there I’m missing I have a look. No, there’s nothing up there. I wonder what he sees in it. We all have our quirks; perhaps ceilings are a turn-on for him. I finish off the letter to my father, reminding him that I am on ten pounds a week. Despite this, I am still his loving son.

On my way downstairs to the postbox, I meet Bornheim coming up. “Halt, who goes there?” he says. Why has he got his hat on? Let me guess, he’s been out or he’s Jewish. Yes, he, too, has been to see bloody awful Laird Cregar in
Hanover Square
. He laughs as he recalls the huge overweight Cregar humping the dead body over his shoulder to sling it on the bonfire, when it was painfully obvious that the stiff was a badly made dummy. “Did you see it start to slide off the bonfire when they cut?” he laughed. Glad he enjoyed it, but then Bornheim would laugh if his grandmother was run over by a steamroller. I think, with his name, there was a touch of the Hun.

Do I want to come to his room? He’s written a new tune. Right away, massa boss. Letters posted, I hie me to his room. He gets out his ‘squeeze box’ and plays his composition. It’s very Tchaikovsky – yes, he admits to that influence, do I like it? Yes, it’s a splendid tune; it’s the best one I’ve heard this afternoon. Has it any words? No. Does he mind if I have a try? It’s a long time ago, but I remember the opening lines:

Wonderful night on Capri

We threw a kiss to the sea

Her lips met mine

That were wet with the wine

Of that wonderful night on Capri

As I have pointed out, all Hollywood slurp. Today I would write:

Wonderful night on Capri

I felt a pain in the knee

I counted till nine

Then cried rotten swine!

Hi diddle Hi diddle Hi dee

Bill Hall has heard the music and comes in with his fiddle. What the hell, I go and get my guitar and we all try out Bornheim’s new number. It develops into a jam session.

Lieutenant Priest pops his head round the door. “Guess what,” he says.

“It’s time to go,” we all chorus.

Two more shows and this life style will be over. All chattering like monkeys we board the Charabong for the penultimate show.

“Listen, everybody. Attention!” says Priest. “Tomorrow night, after the show, there will be a wine and cheese party on stage. Everyone allowed to bring one guest.”

I stand up and in a twit voice say, “On behalf of me an’ my friends we would like to thank you for this generous offer, made possible by the money you bloody swindled us out of in the NAAFI.”

Priest grins and waves me away.

∗

Another good attendance. For a two thousand seater, we are getting the sort of audiences that London impresarios would like. “Mind you,” says Bill Hall, “compared with the box office takings, we get peanuts. Someone’s getting a good rake-off.” To this day, I often wonder if somebody was. It was so easy to fiddle during the war. Fortunes were made by soldiers who had sterling posted to them which they exchanged, at inflated rates, on the black market, then changed back into sterling at a profit. But
I
didn’t have to do that;
I
was on ten pounds a week!

During tonight’s show, I take time to watch Toni in her ‘Dance of the Hours’. She had been the start of my love affair with ballet. I love the grace, the posturing, the elegance. I see her spinning like a top around the stage, my ballerina. Aw, shucks.

To boose our ego, we find a splendid write-up in the
Rome Police News
.

“That’s bloody good for coppers,” says Mulgrew.

“You see, they’re not all bastards,” says Hall.

“Well, this lot aren’t,” concludes Mulgrew.

“I say, I say, I say,” I said, “what do you do with bent coppers? Don’t know? I’ll tell you, send ‘em back to the Mint.”

Neither of them wish to know that.

Priest comes backstage to tell us that our favourite, Gracie Fields, is in tonight.

“She’s in a box,” he says.

“Well, screw the fucking lid on,” says Hall, who can’t stand her singing.

“She wants to come backstage after the show,” says Priest.

“Oh, Christ,” says Hall, “she’s not going to sing, is she?”

Priest laughs: no, she wants to say hello to the cast.

During our act, I can see Gracie who laughs and applauds with enthusiasm. She’s not a bad old stick, if only she didn’t sing. After the show we dutifully await her visit. Finally it comes to us.

“Ow do, lads,” she says.

“Aven’t seen you since the CMF Arts Festival.”

She then introduces us to an old dear, a Mrs Biddick of ENS A Welfare, who is ‘frightfully pleased to meet us’. She is
very
interested in Bill Hall. “I say, you play your fiddle frightfully well.” Hall mumbles something like ‘Ta’. A few more boring pleasantries and Miss Fields and Mrs Biddick leave our sphere of influence.

Our chorus girls liked her. “She speak little Italian,” said Toni, who herself is a little Italian. “She says if we go Capri, she like to see us.”

With that threat hanging over us, we board the returning Charabong. Luigi, our driver, is very happy. He has heard from his wife who has, this day, given birth to his seventh child. “
Una ragazza
.” At dinner, we open a bottle of Asti Spumante and wet the baby’s head. Mulgrew goes on to wet the arms, the body and the legs.

“Christ,” says Hall, “they don’t ‘arf have big families.”

“It’s very simple,” says Mulgrew. “They do it more often.”

Hall shakes his head, but no noise comes from it. Toni is telling her friend Luciana about our proposed Capri holiday. Of
course
, she won’t tell anyone else – except the entire company.

The javelin-throwing champion, lesbian manageress of the hotel asks Mulgrew and me to have a goodbye drink in her flat. She doesn’t invite Hall as she freely admits she thinks he’s got leprosy. I can vouchsafe that his underwear has. We take the lift to the top floor and press the buzzer. A very tall, willowy blonde answers the door. She’s the sister, Claudia. She leads us down the hall into the lounge, beautifully furnished with modern furniture – very Mussolini-modern.

“
Si accomodino
,” says lesbian manageress. We settle for wine. Yes, she had enjoyed our show and loved our ‘jizz’. She gives us little nibbly snacks. Her radio is tuned into the American Forces Network with unending big bands playing. Right now, it’s Ray Ventura. It was all so accessible those days. Nowadays, I have to journey to Ronnie Scott’s to hear any.

We don’t stay long. She won’t be here on Sunday morning when we leave, so she’ll say goodbye now. So we all say, “Goodbye now.”

As we go down in the lift, Mulgrew makes a certain sign. “Oh, her sister, ‘ow!”

“Ah, more’s the pity, Johnny,” I said. “I know you could have given her four inches. The trouble is she could give you six.”

On that note, we ended the evening.

SATURDAY

I
slept late and missed breakfast. Never mind, folks; across the road from the hotel is a splendid coffee bar, where I order
caffelatte
and a rum baba which I dunk in the coffee – all delicious, gooey, decadent. When in Rome…! It’s a scorching hot day. It would be a wonderful day for a swim, but where? Back at the hotel, the porter tells me there is a
bagno municipale
, Via Catania. I don’t want to go alone; I’m so thin people won’t know I’m there. Where is Toni? Gone to Mother’s. Ah, here comes innocent, whistling-the-while Bornheim. Does he want to swim? OK, the easiest way is a taxi. We arrive at the baths: it’s a huge complex, a multi-sports place. We pay our admission fee, are given a ticket and a key – N°56 Downstairs, to the changing area: my God, the crowds. The cubicle is minuscule. If we both change together, we’ll have to get into the same bathing suit. Bornheim waits while I change and vice versa.

It’s a covered pool; the echo of the noise is deafening. Worse the pool is crowded to the point of combustion: you can jump in when you see a space, and then you only have room to jump up and down. There are no other variations, so we dry off and leave.

“What a bloody waste of time,” said Bornheim.

“I’m sorry, I had no idea it was like this,” I said.

So that our legs don’t totally atrophy from taxi travel, we decide to walk away. We walk about a mile and Bornheim says “Enough is enough. Taxi!” We arrive back at the hotel, I’ll see him later. To my room, phone room service: can I have an iced lemonade?
Si, signor, pronto
. A smiling doe-eyed, bewitchingly dark-haired waitress brings it in. Help, Toni; hurry back, darling! The temptation left the room, I felt, with a certain amount of reluctance. It was a hot afternoon; it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I was reminded of a Military Police case, of a soldier and a girl caught
in flagrante
in a Bradford doorway. At the trial, the magistrate gave the man three months. Had he anything to say? “Yes,” he said, “you’ll never stop fucking in Bradford.”

I lay on the bed slurping iced lemonade, followed by a Passing Cloud that tasted of pile suppositories. I’d asked my mother so many times never to parcel them up together, to no avail. I buzz Toni’s room; she’s back. Why didn’t she tell me she was seeing her mother? I was asleep. That’s no excuse, you could have still told me. Shall she come down? Yes, yes. It’s not long before I bolt the door and we start snogging. We were both about to get there when, blast, someone’s trying to get in. Who is it? It’s Mulgrew. Can he wait a minute? Why? Toni and I hustle into our clothes and let Mulgrew in. In a flash he senses all. “Ah,” he says, “your clothes don’t fool me.” They’d fooled me: I had my Y-fronts on back to front and all my arrangements were screwed up. Toni is blushing, but then she’s new at this game! There is nothing so indicting as silence and Mulgrew gives us yards of it, laced with a knowing grin. How dare he think that we’ve had it away, even though it’s true? How dare he think it. I know that he personally fancies Toni, but well, poor fool, look at the competition he has. Glasgow fool, how can he compete with a Brockley SE 26 boy? Toni leaves the room in a state of confusion; I stay and face it out. Mulgrew says, “I can’t have my bedroom used for immoral purposes.” Immoral? This was true love, white as the driven snow. His shoulders are shaking with silent laughter. So ended a chapter in the love story of Toni and me.