Peachy Keen (20 page)

My mouth fell open as though I’d find something to say in return, but there was nothing. I’d seen it time and again amongst my friends, women who changed themselves for the men they pursued. For so long, that was a huge turn off to the idea of relationships for me; I’d always just assumed it was a given until Danielle began to blossom after she met Evan. And here was Harrison assuring me in the most honest, believable, and sincere way, that the girl he wanted was the girl I’d always hidden from men. I loved being sexy. I loved dressing up and playing the minx. It worked for me, but look how far it had gotten me. This man, this man whom
I
loved
and who
loved
me
, preferred the regular me. Just as I was.

Harrison cocked his head to one side and gave a mocking smile as he offered his hand to me. “You can analyze it later. Come on, I want to play house with you,” he said.

I laughed and took his hand, climbing off the bed to find my comfy clothes strewn on the floor. After I slipped into my soft gray pants, I pulled my tank top over my head and stared at Harrison in my bedroom doorway. “And what exactly does
playing house
involve?”

His crooked smile nearly took my legs out from under me. “I’m making you your root beer float, then we’re ordering pizza and lounging on the couch in front of the TV.”

As we made our way into the kitchen, another laugh rolled out of me. “Well that works, since it’s what I’d be doing tonight if I were alone.”

Harrison opened the freezer and grabbed the vanilla ice cream. The sight of it made me clench my thighs together briefly, remembering the creamy coolness dripping down my body. He looked over his shoulder at me with a wink. “That’s kind of the idea,” he said. “Nothing changes, it’s just more fun when you do it with your best friend.”

My throat tightened and I pulled in a sharp breath, feeling suddenly overwhelmed by his simple statement. He was knocking me down with sweet bombs of truth left and right. He loved me and he wanted the version of me that sat on the couch in sweatpants eating junk food and flipping channels. I tried to swallow the emotions that simmered on the surface as I stared at his broad shoulders turned from me, scooping ice cream into my mismatched glasses.

Nothing changes.
The changes hadn’t let up since the first time he said my name in bed at Desire Resort. That night, a storm raged outside and tonight dark clouds rolled into my mind once again. Change was inevitable and he had to know that. His words had revealed as much. We were only
playing
house. We were pretending to be a couple, but we weren’t one. I’d have him for the night and, if I was lucky, part of tomorrow, and then he’d leave. Danielle would come home and Evan’s life would resume with Harrison running it. And if I don’t let go of my fear long enough to tell them…nothing will change.

He handed me a root beer float with a tender smile and I took a sip to will away the tightness in my throat that signified tears. I never dreamed I’d fall in love like this, but what if love wasn’t the thing that made a relationship work? What if I was still too scared and fucked up to handle anything more than just pretending?

20.

How Will I Know

Georgia

I stood staring into space as the sounds and smells of brewing coffee filled the kitchen. My mind was blank, mostly because I couldn’t bear to think about Harrison leaving me in a few short hours. My inner battle the night before nearly obliterated me. I had no idea that lounging on the couch with someone could be so fulfilling. And still I kept thinking of every
what if
scenario and how utterly catastrophic it could all be. Why was it that the things in life that had the potential to be amazing also had the potential to burn everything in their path? How was I supposed to know which risks were worth it? Leaving my job wasn’t worth the risk of living on a steady diet of ramen noodles, I knew that much. What about the rest? Where was the fucking handbook?

“That coffee smells amazing, but I wish you’d been next to me in bed when I woke up,” Harrison said as his arms slipped around me from behind. I flinched under his touch then relaxed the second his lips connected with the curve of my neck.

“Sorry. I got up early.”

I turned in his embrace and he stole a quick kiss from me. Damn it. He’d never made any of this simple or easy, but he always made it feel good.

“Did you sleep okay?” he asked without letting go of me.

I pushed a hand through my hair, letting the seemingly nonchalant move jostle me from his grasp. Turning to pour two mugs of coffee, I sighed covertly before answering, “Yeah, sorta.”

“So, um, I wanted to ask you…” Harrison’s voice dropped and softened and as I faced him once again, handing him a cup of coffee. He smiled awkwardly at me.

“Yeah?”

“Christmas,” he said before taking a sip.

Shit.

“Christmas?”

One side of his mouth kicked up and he seemed to lose the unease of a moment ago now that I was the one with the slack jaw, waiting for him to go on.

“I’ll be in New York, I’m not going home or anything, so I was just wondering…depending on your plans—”

I stood there silently, thinking of all the ways I’d classify what he’d just vaguely suggested. Crazy. Fast. Scary. Not a word left my mouth as I watched his hopeful expression crumble. Harrison cleared his throat and moved toward the countertop in search of sugar, turning his back to me.

“Forget it, you’re probably doing something with family. I shouldn’t have assumed.”

His words dissolved on the air and my voice returned to me in the form of a biting retort mixed with a laugh I regretted instantly.

“Yeah, it’s a little early for that, don’t you think?”

Shit. I glanced at him still with his back turned and saw the way his body froze. His head lowered, shaking slightly.

“You don’t have to make me feel like I’m some idiot for suggesting it,” he bristled.

“I—I didn’t mean anything by it,” I stammered. “But you have to admit it is soon to be spending holidays together.”

The words
I love you
still hung in the space between us, having only been spoken aloud once last night, but even that didn’t cure me of the anxiety I carried deep in my heart. It wasn’t about Danielle anymore. She loved me and she’d be happy for me. Evan hadn’t stopped teasing me about my hookup the night of Harrison’s birthday—if he knew it was his bromantic bestie, he’d throw us a fucking party.

No, now that we’d said the words and spent an evening acting out a fantasy I’d pushed so far down I barely remembered I’d had it, a million new fears swarmed me, attempting to pull me under. All thanks to my fucking parents.

A grumbling laugh pushed out of him. “Seriously, Georgia?”

I silenced myself with coffee, staring at him over the brim of my mug, shamed by his stare.

“I
love
you,” he said. “I know I only said it last night, but I’ve loved you for a while now. What’s wrong with wanting to spend a holiday with the person I love?”

I gulped. His furrowed brow and exasperated stance made my stomach churn.

Slowly, he softened and stepped toward me. A gentle hand rose to cup my cheek. “You’re just as important to me as family.”

Even with a disenchanted half-smile on his face, he looked like family. The same way Danielle was family. And now Evan. This huge part of me knew I’d never fall out of love with him. I’d love him forever and I’d never regret that first day we met. Pain dragged along my nerves again, like someone struck a stiff match along my soul as a dreadful thought occurred to me.

I bet my mother thought the same thing.

With his palm still resting against my cheek, I abandoned my gaze to the floor and captured my bottom lip painfully between my teeth. I felt him stiffen and he dropped his hand quickly, rubbing harshly at his lips as he examined me through narrowed eyes.

“You have nothing to say?” Harrison snapped before dragging his hands through his hair. “Baby, you keep putting the brakes on like this and you’re going to give me whiplash.”

I felt like such a wimp. I didn’t know how to handle any of this. Attempting to push through it didn’t feel good. Wasn’t this all supposed to feel good?

“May—maybe we should just stop the car then,” I murmured without looking at him.

His silence raged in my ears and when he eventually spoke, I flinched at the devastation in his tone.

“You don’t mean that.”

Tears welled up in my eyes as I flicked my gaze to his meaningfully. I didn’t know what I meant. But I was afraid. He’d been wrong about me being fearless. I wasn’t the free-loving, anti-girlfriend who’d never settled down because I was
fearless
. I was a fucking coward. After years of telling myself I was happier and better off with booty calls, my monthly roster, and sex on the first and only date, I saw myself for who I really was. A scared little girl who saw love as a one-way ticket to heartache. No matter how nice the ride, I’d be waiting for every bump and screeching halt.

Harrison squinted and his mouth hardened into a line before he shook his head once more, turning away from me.

“Harrison,” I squeaked.

“I’ll get my stuff,” he clipped.

My stomach dropped as he vanished from sight, rounding the corner into my bedroom for his bag. No.
Take it back, Georgia.
My feet felt heavy as I followed each of his footsteps until I reached my bedroom door.

“Harry, wait.”

He glanced up at me, zipping his backpack, and I saw how his eyes had glossed over. His brow rose expectantly and I stammered yet again.

“I just…I can’t. I’m not—” I pulled in a breath and exhaled, shutting my eyes. “I love you, but—”

“Please don’t finish that sentence,” he begged gravely. He picked up his bag and slipped into his coat as he stepped to me, pulling me against his chest without warning. I melted into the feeling of his arm surrounding my shoulder and his cheek pressing against the top of my head. He breathed into my hair, inhaling and exhaling before dropping a kiss there, letting go of my body. My knees buckled when he released me and my mind scrambled to think of a way to change everything I’d just said. Why couldn’t he have saved the topic of Christmas for a time when he wouldn’t see my every emotion—my every fear and doubt—written across my face?

“I’m gonna take off.”

I sucked in a sharp, icy breath. “No, don’t,” I blurted.

Pulling his mouth up into a wincing smile, he reached for my hand at my side and examined it in his palm before bringing it to his lips. “I have to,” he breathed and brushed a kiss on my knuckles.

I had no right to stop him. He had every right to want to walk away from me. So, succumbing to my weakness—the part of me Harrison had wrongly estimated at only ten percent—I watched him leave. I sank to the floor and cursed myself, my parents, the world, and love itself until my tears ran dry.

***

“He bought me a fucking house.”

I grinned at Danielle’s deadpan voice over the phone. I pushed myself off of the twin bed in my grandmother’s attic and yanked on a pair of jeans. I’d decided to sleep over after the extended family Christmas party the night before, not at all anxious to spend any time in my apartment alone and not in any position to drive after pouring a few too many heaping glasses of wine, starting the moment Grams told my cousin Andrea she had Resting Bitch Face.

Balancing the phone against my face with my shoulder, I slipped a zip-up sweatshirt over the tank top I’d slept in. I sat back down on the bed and scrubbed at my eyes. Slept in, yeah right. I’d barely gotten a wink. Between the thirty-year-old mattress, the drafty window beside me, and some certifiable
Ghost Hunters
-worthy noises ricocheting through the loft, sleep had been hard to come by last night. And even when I’d drifted off, dreams of Harrison plagued me.

We hadn’t spoken more than a few times since he left the apartment after our night together and neither one of us had mentioned how exactly we’d parted. Each passing day nurtured my foolish doubts into a colossal monster on my back. But nothing changed the fact that I missed him. I’d been tempted to ask him if his offer was still good for Christmas together too many times to count. I’d never found the nerve though.

“Oh my God. You knew and you didn’t tell me?!” Danielle squealed.

I tried not to laugh at the words she’d finally uttered after my silence. “Do you hate it?”

Of course she didn’t hate it. I’d seen the pictures; the place was a straight up mansion and she’d be living like a fucking queen there. Evan had turned out to be a pretty amazing guy. He pushed her past her own neuroses and was showing her a life she’d never dreamed she’d have. He loved her the way she needed to be loved…

“Is it absolutely crazy of us, though?” Dani’s voice snapped me out of the reflections that were close to drowning me. Who was I kidding? Those brainwaves had swept me out to sea months ago. I was drowning, all right—capsized by Harrison Simms.

A gruff laugh slipped past my lips and I reminded her that she was one calling herself crazy back at Desire. If she only knew how equally I could relate. I assured her she was, without a doubt, crazy. Anyone willing to jump into the deep end was absolutely mad—feet first, no regard for the safety of their hearts. But I was clinging to the side of the pool, clutching at a life vest as though it could save me.

“Love is crazy. Love is absolutely moronic, if you ask me, but…totally worth it, right?” I said.

“Totally worth it,” Danielle breathed.

I cracked a joke to clear the line of seriousness. The last thing I wanted was to concern Danielle with my problems. Harrison had sent me a text two days ago telling me Evan bought a ring. My heart had plummeted to my shoes when I read the line. Harrison didn’t say much aside from the facts—where it came from and when Evan intended to ask her—but I could tell he was holding back feelings on the subject. Deep down I wondered if he felt the thing I felt when my eyes first landed on the news.
Jealousy.
I realized I’d been jealous of Danielle since the moment Evan showed up at our front door, professing his love for her and sweeping her off her feet for the umpteenth time. But how could love—as equally enchanting and blissful as it was agonizing—be the key to happiness?