Penitence (2010) (16 page)

and I needed someone. His body was warm, strong and the comfort I sought slowly seeped into my tense, terrified body. I uncoiled in his embrace, tears filling my eyes. His heartbeat thudded against my face, burrowed in his chest. Steady, relaxing. I closed my eyes and sobbed. The next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and the car was surrounded by darkness. I jerked upright, my face and body cooling when severed from the warmth of Weston. His dark lashes fluttered open. He was leaning against the door, as if hed cradled me for hours and for all I knew, he could have been. I glanced at the dashboard for a clock, but the engine had been off for a while, the chill in the car gave away the length of time we must have been sleeping together. He ran his hands down his face, gripped the steering wheel and sat up. Man. Must have dozed. What time is it? My veins pulsed with urgency to know the hour. He turned his wrist and looked at his watch. Six. Phew. I sat back, let out a sigh. At least I could explain the three hour lapse to my parents. Somehow. Want to grab some dinner? Uh. Maybe another time. Thanks. I think Id better get home. Across the dark cab of his truck, his sparkling eyes held mine. Id fallen asleep in his arms. Hed been there for me when Id needed Matthias and thought no one else would do. Thanks for... everything. No problem. He started the engine. Mom and Dad were watching a basketball game when I walked through the front door and both jumped up from their spots on the family room couches. Traces of fearno doubt memories of the accidentscored their features into pale ghosts, waiting for bad news. Zoe. Moms voice was fragile. Sorry Im late. And you didnt call, Dad put in as they drew closer, needing to check me out for themselves. They hovered as I walked into the kitchen, my stomach growling. Weston had offered to take me to dinner, but I needed to end this bizarre day as soon as possible, and end it in the comfort and safety of home. I hugged Mom, then Dad, for them as much as for myself, very much a little girl home from a difficult day and in need of security. Mom, seeing that I was in one piece, sighed with relief. Dad remained jittery at her side. I was with Weston. We started talking and time got away from us. Britts boyfriend? Moms brow shot up. I nodded and went to the stove top, lifted a lid on a steaming pot. What was for dinner? Mom followed me. Clam chowder. Theres still some left. Luke didnt come home either, so you know the kind of night weve had. I glanced at Mom, then Dad standing at the fringes of the kitchen, his mind caught up in what to do about the way Id chosen to handle the evening. I should have called. I hoped to ease their worries. They had to be wondering how long it would take before I got the message to check in like theyd asked. Im sorry. I ladled the creamy white soup into a heavy bowl, and crossed to the kitchen table, enjoying the mundane act of eating dinner after the horrendous experience of being in the presence of an evil spirit like Albert. I tried to get Luke at school and never got a hold of him. I pulled out a chair and sat. Have you heard from him? Mom shook her head. It was lucky for me Weston happened to come by. I sat at the kitchen table, and Mom brought me a spoon, napkin and some Oyster crackers. Dinner smelled wonderful. I dipped my spoon in and blew off the steam before eating. My hand shook. I blinked, staring at it. My whole arm shook. So as to not draw more attention to myself, I rested my elbows on the table, a faux pas Mom despised, but in light of my trembling, I chose to break the good-manners rule. Wheres Abria? I asked. The house was so quiet. Dad watched me with hawk-like eyes. Around somewhere. Mom crossed to the sink and started rinsing dishes. Im trying not to be so obsessive about watching her. She has to have some freedom, and so do I. The house is as child-proof as I can make it. Im trying to have faith that shell be okay. Mom, thats great. Youre right. And youll see, she will be okay. I know it. I wish I had your faith. I sipped another spoonful of soup. You do. She smiled, but didnt say anything more. Dad came toward me and my stomach clamped around the soup sloshing in my gut. His steady gaze was sharp. Youre eighteen, Zoe. I cant swing you over my lap for a spanking or ground you and I shouldnt have to I know, Dad. Im sorry. If it happens again, Ill willingly put myself on house arrest for as long as you think I need it, ok? Thats how sorry I am. Im sure that wont be necessary, he sighed. But I appreciate the offer. A phone call at least. Easy. He waited until I nodded in agreement before crossing to the couch and sitting down, immersing himself in the basketball game. I ate, cleaned up after myself then, feeling exhausted, went upstairs for a bath. I stopped by Abrias bedroom and found her writing on the walls with permanent black marker. Too tired to scream at her, I rolled my eyes, sighed, took the pen and left her with a stuffed animal in her hand. Shed look at the elephant for about five seconds then toss it and go in search of more ink pens, I was sure of that. I didnt have the heart to tell Mom about the graffiti, shed see it for herself when she put Abria to bed. I went into my bedroom, closed the door and stripped for my bath. In the moist air of the bathroom, hot bubbles of freesia filled the air, so intoxicating and relaxing, I had to work to keep my eyes open while I soaked. Muscles heavy, mind burdened with questions still waiting for answers, I dried, dressed in pajamas and grabbed my phone, checking for messages before I crashed. Weston. The smallest burst of excitement sparkled through me. just making sure u r ok? i am. thx again for being there. my pleasure zoe Krissy had also left me some texts. party at my house this sat? zoe? Can you text me? Helllllooo? party. sat. what time u think? will you tell everyone u kno? TEXT ME! Oh brother. I texted her back. sorry was busy. u sure u wanna party? ya where were u? busy what were u doing? Sheesh. Was she going to be nosy and clingy and everything girls detest in a friend? I had a flash of her being a little loony. The image wasnt helped by the fact that Id seen her deceased relative as her guardian, trying to protect her from herself.

talking 2 someone O help spread the word, k? K itll b fun yeah c u 2morrow The thought of Krissy, mousy, timid Krissy having a party where jocks and partiers would hang like pirates pillaging an innocent town, sent me into an inundated sigh. No way was this dream party of hers ever going to happen. No one knew who she was, for one thing. For another, I couldnt see her putting out booze and opening her absentee-parents house for kids eager to score a line or a bowl or two. Or tear into the family sheets hooking up. She had no idea what she was getting into. I fell back into the fluffy softness of my pillows and fell asleep. My eyes flew open some time later and I was under the covers, the lights off. But something had awakened me, and I lay still, listening. A far off thump. Luke finally dragging himself in? Abria? My body moaned with fatigue when I got out of the warm toastiness of bed. I pulled on my slippers and quietly crept down the dark hall toward Abrias room. Yep, light gleamed from under the door. Moms bedroom door squeaked. I motioned to her that Id take care of Abria. She yawned, nodded and vanished, shutting the door behind her. My heart quickened. Maybe Matthias was here. I opened Abrias door and found her standing on the headboard of her wrought-iron bed, trying to reach the ceiling with yet another black permanent marker. Matthias stood, ready to catch her. Sixteen Every bit of heaviness in my body vanished, and in its place, thrill pulsed. A smile spilled onto my lips. I shut the door behind me. He turned. His eyes met mine. The corner of his jaw drew into a square and his undeviating gaze didnt blink once. Zoe, we need to talk about what happened today. His calm assurance enveloped me and I understood everything would be fine, but this discussion had to take place and no matter how dreadful it was for me to relive the encounter with Albert, Matthias was there to offer me comfort. He swung Abria into his arms and she instantly rested her head in the crook of his neck, melding against his chest like a rag doll. Jealousy lit my nerves. I imagined myself in her cradled position. I tried not to talk to him. I was stranded. I didnt have a ride. Im so sorry. Matthias hold on Abria tightened. Im sorry that he frightened you. Ive never been more afraid. My voice warbled, the feelings of fear Id felt in Albert presence as fresh as if the man stood outside Abrias closed bedroom door, waiting to come in. What does he want with me? A long pause followed. Me. He wants to destroy me. I stopped breathing. Anguish tore across Mattias features. He carried Abria to her bed, laid her down and, with both hands, lightly traced his fingers over her eyes, closing them. He leaned, pressed a gentle kiss on her face, and when he stood up, she was peacefully asleep. Stunned, I stared at her serene expression reminded of his heavenly powers. Matthias took a deep breath and faced me, the air around us suddenly thick. He closed his eyes. A rush of his emotions whirled through me like I stood in the midst of a tornado. I tried to grab at themconfusion, hurt, disappointment stayed foremost in my consciousness. His serene face relaxed and his eyes opened again. I felt that. I dont feel any anger coming from you at all. None. He nodded. We werent close, my father and I. I wanted us to be, of course. Children always do. His clear blue eyes draw me into his memories, which open and display like a giant movie screen that I suddenly step into. I look up into Albert smiling eyes. IMatthiasam younger, smaller. A vulnerable child, longing for something, the longing pressing from my insides out so corporeal, the need nearly burst through my skin. Words race through my head: dont leave, please stay here, where are you going? Can I come along? Im afraid. I dont like being alone. Ill only be a little while. Albert and I are in a small room, paneled, dark, one small window up high at street level, iron-grated and locked, and so dirty you cant see out. A desk, cluttered with paper. In the corner, an imposing vault with a door that opens only if you know the combination and place your hands on the massive, steel wheel. A single light bulb dangles from the crumbling ceiling. I want you to wait here for me. Stephano, Julius and Martin are working the place but youre not to disturb them. You have your book. Read it. Understand? I nod. Sweet perfume fills the air. I turn, see a buttercup yellow dress with flowers, fringe, a veiled floating dream. A dark haired woman leans her face toward me. Her cheeks are pink, her lips red. Pearls swing from her neck. She smiles, grips my chin gently in her fingers and says, What a sweetie pie. I gaze at the back of my fathers ice-gray suit. He slips his arm around the waist of the buttercup dress and I wonder if the fabric is as soft as it looks. He gets to feel it. I want to. Without a backward glance, he shuts the heavy wood door with a quiet thunk. I stare at it. Beyond the closed door comes the faint sound of laughter, lively music mixed with the occasional shout or womans hysterical scream. Through the grate-covered alley window at the ceiling of the room, I hear automobiles pass. Honk. A siren. My fingers wrap tight around the black Bible in my hands. Lonliness stretched through every part of my body, living Matthias memory. In my life Id never been neglected, left with only longing and unanswered questions as company for inordinate amounts of time I couldnt measure because children arent capable of reasoning neglect. Abuse doesnt have place in a guileless mind. And, though Id only seen that one memory, it had brought with it the understanding that neglect was a sibling Matthias had lived with. A veil of sadness fluttered behind Matthias eyes but the sadness didnt stay long. His chest rose in a deep breath and the corners of his lips lifted slightly. Im sorry, I whispered, his past mourning still throbbing inside of me. Zoe, dont think about those things. But he hurt you. And that hurts me. Your compassion is one of the qualities I Iove about you. Those days are long gone. I dont dwell on the way it was. My chin lifted. Im glad justice was served. A flash of dark light sparkled in his eyes. He stepped close. Relishing the consequences of those who make poor choices is wrong, Zoe. Im only saying, I swallowed a lump, that justice was served. Right? Hes still my father. And, hard as it has been for me to see him choose the evil path, I... He pressed his hand over his heart, eyes glistening. I hope for more. Wonder for him swelled in my chest. I couldnt believe he wasnt angry, dwelling on the injustices he experienced in his life. Why did he still care, when his father was so far goneindeed the man, in my opinion anyhow, appeared hopelessly wicked. Lost. He shook his head. No one is lost forever. Not while the battle is still going. What do you mean? Matthias, the guy reeked of evil. I mean, I wondered when I was with him, why I didnt feel like I feel when Im with you. I took a deep breath. Im sorry. It just burns me to think your own father wants to destroy you. He nodded. Thats the intent of all evil, to make others miserable like they are. Misery loves company, I muttered. Their pursuit is relentless. He stepped closer, his countenance sober, sending a flash of panic through me. And my father is one of Satans leaders. My body shook. Matthias, seeing the quake rambling through my limbs, instinctively reached out to ease me, but his hands stopped inches from my shoulders. He slowly rescinded, and clasped his hands behind his back. Hes determined get me, and hes going to use you to do that. But youre refined. My voice trembled. If youre refined, how can he still get to you? I still make choices. I chose to inflict my will on those boys, didnt I? My love for you clouded my ability to follow through the way I should have. A choice I now must pay for. So, Im your weakness? Your father.... hes... targeting your weakness? Shock squeezed my bones. Matthias nodded. Know this, Zoe, Ill do everything in my power to protect you. But you are still human. And what does that mean? Do you think Id actually be a ditz and consciously choose to do something wrong? Most mortals dont start out that way, and, no, I dont think you would purposefully choose to follow evil, but you can never underestimate the power of dark spirits. That, Zoe, is a mortals first mistake. A cold chill snapped through the comfort which usually engulfed me in Matthias presence. He was telling me the truth, I couldnt deny it, and understood the gravity to my core. I will never follow him, Matthias, please believe me. Id never felt more sure of anything. Again he reached out as if to take hold of my hands and offer me a comforting caress. Yearning to touch him, I met him halfway, our hands in mid-air between our bodies frozen in unattainable craving. He brought himself as close to me as he dared, his clothes nearly brushing mine, the scent of his skin reaching out to me in an invisible, cruel lure I couldnt grab hold of to satisfy my escalating desire to touch him with the exception of taking a deep breath. Zoe. His gaze brushed my face where his fingers could not, traveling over my cheeks, lips and finally fastening with yearning to my eyes. I couldnt bear him bringing you down. He wont, I whispered. Id die before I let him destroy you. Ill guard your soul with all the power inside of me. Even though we cant touch? His eyes closed, he nodded. That will be harder for me to resist than anything your father could throw my way. For me, too. He opened his eyes and his crystal blue gaze bore into mine. We needed a subject change. Whats the difference between your father and the black spirits Ive seen? My father takes on the appearance of having a physical body because he lived. Dark spirits never have, and never will have a mortal body, a position which leaves them driven to control and influence those who do. What do you meanappearance? Albert looked pretty real to me. An illusion. The air around us pierced with invisible long, greedy fingers jabbing an evil vibe, trying to break the cocoon of serene safety Matthias carried with him. Is that... them? My heart spun in my chest. I told you, even talking about evil invites it. Youre scaring me. Im preparing you. This is not some bad dream youre going to wake from. Evil is everywhere and whether you like it or not, youre a part of it. Youve always been a part of it. Stealing the souls of men has been Satans design since Earths inception. His gaze wandered over to Abria, where it lingered for a moment, then came back to me in sharp focus. Now that my father has targeted you, youll have to be even more discerning of every person you meet. I swallowed a knot. Forever? His hands lifted to my cheeks as if to cup my face. As long as youre mortal. Im sorry. Tears rimmed his blue eyes. He turned, and walked to the window, looked out. I stayed with him. This isnt your fault. If I hadnt come into your life, you wouldnt be facing this. You just told me Ive always been a part of good and evil, Matthias. Havent we all? Yes, but I should have kept my heart out of this. He closed his eyes and a tear streaked his cheek. I reached up, instinct, love and need pressing me to comfort him. His eyes shot open and locked on my extended hand. I froze. I shouldnt have fallen in love with you. Im glad you did. Dont regret that, ever. Please. His lips flickered into a wary smile. Are you ready to be brave, Zoe? For you I can be anything. Not for me, his voice was a raw whisper, for you. * * * I woke the next morning with a start. My sheets and blankets were in tangles around me, like Id struggled through sleep one hour at a time. Had I dreamt seeing Matthias the night before? I didnt remember getting in bed. My last memory was of standing in Abrias bedroom, Abria fast asleep, Matthias explaining to me the very real fact that his father was targeting me to destroy him. I let out a moan, shivered and covered myself in downy blankets to combat the chill scraping my bones. Would I ever not be afraid? Gloomy gray light peered through the shutters of my bedroom. Once again, the sun and its warm beams hid behind a thick wall of winter clouds. Thursday. Two more days of school. Would Albert be there? Another icy shudder shook me. I may not have Matthias as my guardian, but he told me hed be close by because he was watching his fathers moves carefully. Maybe Id see more of himthe one positive I could count on. My cell phone jumped, the alarm set to wake me at six. I reached over and retrieved it from my night stand and turned it off. Through the night, Id gotten six texts from Krissy. The girl was obsessed with the party. Ill read those later. I threw back the covers, got up and readied for school. Britts absence from my life left a social hole I had a hard time adjusting to. Usually, she called or the two of us texted upon waking. She was more than angry at me. I showered, mulling over whether or not I should tell Chase about Matthias visit. My nerves prickled. Who could I trust? Who was my friend? Who was my enemy? This sucked. It wouldnt be so bad if Matthias was my guardianthen Id know for sure when I was in danger. The way he explained it, I was on my own, for the time being, having to figure out everything for myself. I dressed in jeans and a gray hoodie, brushed some blush on my cheeks, put on a little shadow and mascara and went out my bedroom door. The house smelled like pancakes. Luke bumped into me in the hall. He had on his usual baggy jeans and baggier tan hoodie. His eyes werent bloodshota good sight to see. Hey bud. I patted him on the back. He seemed taken aback by the gesture, but allowed me to take the stairs down first, following me. Pancakes? he asked as we both entered the brightly-lit kitchen. Mom smiled over the pan, and flipped four golden cakes. Its not Saturday, Luke said. Mom laughed. So I can only make pancakes on Saturday? Sit down, honey. Luke seemed thrown off with the weekend-luxury breakfast coming at him on a weekday, but he plopped at the table, ready to eat. Sleep okay last night? Mom slid pancakes on a plate and handed it to Luke, but she was eyeing me. Sort of. Id tried to hide the circles under my eyes with some concealer, but I guess it didnt work. I went to the fridge, opened it and stared. How about some pancakes? Yeah, okay. Mom beamed when she took care of her family, a quality Id once been embarrassed about until I was old enough to find out from my friends that most of their moms werent around to do anything more than toss a cup of Ramen at them. My stomach was in a jumbled mess. Contemplating last night, what to expect today... I wasnt sure I wanted to eat, much less could get anything I shoved down to stay. Mom kept her eagle-eye mothers stare pinned on me, which didnt help. Luke, oblivious as usual, shoveled in two plates of stacked cakes while I dug at my tower of three like a picky toddler. To