Perfect (50 page)

well on your entrance exams.

Not really much more to say

except to let you know Cara

has already been accepted

at Stanford. You can do as well.

After all, you’re her twin. Mom.

No Pressure There, Mom

None at all. Why can’t she just be

glad he survived and let him live

the rest of his life on his own terms?

Can’t she see how much he wants

her approval? That 4.0 GPA never

did come easily to Conner. Sports,

yes. Schoolwork, no. But God

forbid he excel at one and not

the other. Mom still expects him to

start college on time and keep scoring

touchdowns, too? Perfection carries

a steep price tag, at least it has for

Conner. I hope he finds his way

out sooner rather than later. I’m

thrilled I’ve found mine, even if it has

its own consequences to worry about.

I’m struggling to take ownership

of this new person I call me. But

every day brings me closer. And

I’m glad I got to know her at all.

Who Knows Who I’d Be

If I hadn’t met Dani. Probably

still a Conner clone—striving too

hard to please someone who can’t

be satisfied. I’m blown away by

how fate intervened when it did.

Makes me wonder what else I have

to look forward to, once I’m out

from under my parents’ control.

My cell buzzes. Incoming text from

Private Number
. Who could that be?

Little teeth of suspicion gnaw at

my stomach. He wouldn’t dare.

It’s not from him. At least, I don’t

think so.
PLEASE STOP MESSING UP

SEAN’S LIFE. GRADUATION IS ONLY

A MONTH AWAY. THEN HE’S ALL SET

FOR STANFORD. DROP CHARGES AND

HE WON’T BOTHER YOU ANYMORE.

Whoever it was wrote the one

word I didn’t want to see: Stanford.

Kendra

I Didn’t Want To See

The truth of things. That you

never embraced me the same

way that I embraced

you.

That when we lay laced

together, satin yarn and leather

cord, it was you who untied

the knots. That when you

told

bedtime stories of love

come unraveled, you were

always warning

me

of impending unraveling.

That the promises you wove

into the fabric of us

were nothing more than

lies.

Are All Relationships

Destined to unravel? I hear stories about

people who have been married for fifty or sixty

years. But I’ve never met any. And if they

do exist, what are they made of? The cliché

answer is friendship. If that’s accurate,

Mom and Patrick just might last a while.

But Dad and Shiloh will come unwoven

eventually. Jenna and Andre already have.

That makes me a little sad, although if

I am honest, I have to admit I was a lot jealous.

Not because of his car or his house or

his money, but because he really loved her.

He called me the day after they broke up.

I don’t know how much influence

you have on your sister, but she needs help.

She drinks every day. Not just a little.

She doesn’t think she has a problem, but

she does. And she won’t listen to me.

He said that isn’t why he had to stop

seeing her. And I believe that. You can’t

stay with someone you love when they

don’t care enough about you. Jenna doesn’t

care much about anything. Not even

herself. And I really don’t get that. On

the surface, she is pure confidence.

What is she hiding? What is she trying to

prove? What is she trying to forget?

How can I ask her any of those questions?

She’d probably ask me the same

questions. And I don’t have any answers.

The Only Person

Who has asked them is Shiloh. Like she

has any right to. Like she really gives a damn.

Today we are shopping for bridesmaid

dresses. Jenna is supposed to be here too.

Guess something better came up.
It’s okay,

says Shiloh.
We can choose the dress,

then find one in the right size for Jenna.

I was thinking burgundy. What do think?

I shrug. “Kind of dark for afternoon,

especially in June. What about teal?”

Nothing like flipping her entire color

scheme. But hey, she asked my opinion.

Hmm. Not big on teal. But you’re right

about burgundy being dark. Maybe …

black?
She laughs.
Just kidding. Unless

you think it would work. Let’s look around.

The first one that we both agree on

is a strapless sheath in a floral design.

“
Très
tropical,” I say. “Not even close

to burgundy, though.” I pull a size two.

Shiloh raises an eyebrow, but keeps

her opinion to herself. Until I come out

of the dressing room.
Come over here

to the mirror. Tell me what you see.

“Uh … the dress is a little big

in the bust, but the ruche helps that,

and length is good….” It falls just

above my knee, with a slit up the back.

She puts one hand on each of my

shoulders.
Tell me about the girl

inside the dress. What does she look

like? How do you think I see her?

Ambushed

And just when I thought it was going

so well. “Don’t tell me. She’s too thin.

You might even call her ‘emaciated.’

Obviously, she has an eating disorder.

Auschwitz survivors look better

than her. What’s wrong with her? Right?”

Shiloh rubs my shoulders, and that feels

good. She drops her voice very low.
Not

exactly. I see a girl who wants to present

someone special to the world. Someone

beautiful. The pinnacle of beauty. But

she has lost her hold on reality. Real

beauty isn’t thin. It isn’t size two, unless

you happen to be four foot ten. What

the world sees when they look at you

is someone who believes self-worth

is all about how she looks, and that

very often means what she’s missing

is love. Not someone else’s love. But

love and respect for herself. Why

don’t you love yourself, Kendra? You

should. You are perfect, just as you are.

“Shut up! What are you, a psychologist?

I don’t need
you
to analyze me! Anyway,

you
aren’t exactly all innocent and

everything. THIS IS YOUR FAULT.”

Which isn’t totally true, but it does

shut her up for a minute or two. Her head

tilts sideways as if she can’t comprehend

English.
I’m sorry. What do you mean?

“I mean you took Dad away from Jenna

and me. Have a thing for married men?”

Her Hands Fall Away

From my shoulders. How can I want

those hands back? The girl in the mirror

looks drawn. Gaunt. Outside and in.

Shiloh’s right about what the world must see

when it looks at me.
Oh, Kendra. I didn’t

take him away. Please, understand

that. I didn’t even know he was married

until after your mom walked out, and

she had every right to. By then, I was in

love with him. Believed I could save him.

I still believe that. But salvation will come

easier if you and Jenna can find the strength

to forgive him. He never meant to hurt you.

You girls mean everything to him.