Perfect for You (19 page)

“What are they doing?” Grayson asks, looking at them.

Ash is leading the group. I turn away, unable to look at him. Every time I see him, my body aches like I have the flu. I think of how perfect he and I used to be together. How much we loved each other, and I feel myself breaking all over again.

“You want to go?” Gray asks, joining me on my side of the court.

“No. I’m fine.”

“Meg, it’s me. You don’t have to put on a brave face and pretend you’re okay with this. You’re hurting and you’re allowed to.”

I hear their footsteps pounding along the grassy hill. “No, I’m not. I caused all this.”

“
Noah
caused all this.”

I meet her eyes. “Why do you hate him so much? He’s actually really sweet. He told me he loves me.”

Grayson shakes her head. “Maybe he does, but he came after you while you were with Ash, and I’m sorry, but in my opinion, that makes him a jerk. He knew you had a crush on him before. He’s not as innocent as you think.”

“It doesn’t matter. I ended up hurting him. Just like I hurt Ash. I can’t believe I thought he cheated on me with Liz. How could I jump to that conclusion?”

“One word: Derrick. You never got over what he did and you thought Ash was doing the same thing.”

Great, now Grayson is defending all the things I did wrong. Just a week ago she yelled at me for these exact things. Now she’s being protective, or maybe she really does understand how I saw things—my warped view of what I thought was happening.

“I wish I could go back.”

“You want Ash back that badly?”

I swallow the tears that are threatening to close my throat. “It’s killing me to be away from him, Gray. I feel like part of me died when we broke up. That’s why Noah and I didn’t work. I wasn’t fully in the relationship. I want to be myself again. To feel whole.”

“You don’t need a guy to feel whole.”

“I know that, but—”

“You love him.” Her tone softens.

I nod.

“So what are you going to do?” She fidgets with the strings on her racket, waiting for me to come up with a brilliant plan to fix my life.

“I don’t know. Ash is probably over me. He dated Liz.”

“Yeah, but they broke up. He ended it. That could mean something.”

“That he figured out she’s a total slut?” It sort of slips out. The truth can be like that.

Gray laughs. “Possibly. Or he figured out he couldn’t get over you by being with her.”

God, how I wish that were true. “Don’t you think he would’ve tried to talk to me if he felt that way? He knows I’m not with Noah anymore.”

“Maybe he’s giving you time. You and Noah only broke up a few days ago. Ash isn’t the rebound guy type.”

“He can’t be the rebound guy. I was with him first.”

“You know,” a small smile creeps across Grayson’s face, “Ash was leading the football team on their run. Maybe he came down to the courts for a reason.”

“You think he was looking for me?”

She shrugs. “He could’ve been. You never know.”

“I can’t go throwing myself at him and begging him to take me back based on a ‘you never know’. I need some sort of proof that he might still have feelings for me. That he might want to give us another try.”

“Try talking to him. If he walks away, you know he’s not interested. But if he talks to you…”

It’s not a bad plan, but I don’t know if I’m up for it. “If he shoots me down, I won’t be able to handle it.” I can’t go through the pain of losing him twice.

“I won’t let you fall apart, Meg. Don’t you think you owe it to yourself and to Ash to find out for sure if it’s over? If you don’t do this, you’ll kick yourself later.”

I’ll do more than kick myself, but still, this seems impossible. “I’m not sure.”

“Okay, then let’s leave it up to fate.”

“Fate?”

“Well, the tennis gods then.” Gray puts her racket head on the ground and holds the grip in her hand. “If the racket lands face up, you talk to Ash. If it lands face down, you leave the past in the past.”

Why not? “Spin.”

She spins the racket and steps back, making sure she doesn’t interfere with how it lands. It clatters to the ground.

Grayson smiles. “Looks like you’re talking to Ash.”

Chapter Twenty-Three

I have no idea how to approach Ash, so Gray convinces me to go to the football game. It’s almost too painful. The season is a bust. The team only won three games, despite Ash’s awesome arm. He’s lucky that colleges notice him at all. It’s really not his fault, though. His receivers can’t seem to hold on to the ball in the end zone after they catch it. Still, Ash’s stats are good as far as yardage and completions. It’s only touchdown passes that are awful. And the fact that I know all this even though Ash and I are broken up is more evidence of my extreme pathetic-ness.

Gray drives me to the game because she knows I’ll chicken out if I’m behind the wheel. She’s not giving me the opportunity to screw this up. It’s kind of funny how she went from being jealous of my relationship with Ash to trying to help me patch it up. Just another reason why I love her.

We take seats in the first row of the bleachers. Gray wants to make sure Ash will see me, but I’d rather hide under the bleachers right about now. I scan the crowd, looking for Liz. She’s been sulking and following Ash around all week. I’m sure she’ll show up today. I spot her in the top row. Even in the cooler weather, she’s still barely wearing clothes. I’m sure she’s wishing she made the varsity cheerleading team so she could be closer to the field…and Ash. She’s really not that good of a cheerleader, though. She fits the profile, but has no real athletic ability.

“Ignore her.” Grayson tugs my arm, forcing me to turn my eyes back to the field. Ash is throwing passes to Jackson. My heart skips when I see him.

“Maybe this isn’t a good idea. I’m not ready to be around him right now.”

Gray isn’t fooled. She hears what I’m really saying.
I’m not ready to be rejected by him.
“Do you want to spend the rest of senior year wondering if you could’ve fixed things?”

No. What I really want to do is hop the fence, run onto the field, and throw myself into his arms. I want him to kiss me and tell me to forget about us breaking up. I want him. Grayson’s right. I have to do this. If I don’t, I’ll lose him forever. I give her a weak smile.

She wraps her arm around me. “That’s my girl.”

“Gray, thanks again.”

“No problem. You’d do the same for me.”

“I would. I’m sorry I let this mess come between us. It won’t happen again.”

“I know.” She puts her arm down and nudges me with her shoulder. “Someone’s looking this way.”

Ash is at the water cooler. His helmet is off, and he’s scanning the bleachers. He finds Liz first, but his eyes don’t linger on her. They lower until they reach me. We stare at each other, both frozen in place.

Oh, God! I can’t do this. What was I thinking? He doesn’t want to get back together. I hurt him. He wants to forget about me.

Ash looks away and starts to turn back to the field, but then he stops. He glances at me again, not long, but he definitely gives me a second glance.

Grayson leans in and whispers, “Second glance, second chance. What do you think?”

Could she be right? Could Ash be wondering if we still have a shot together? There’s only one way to find out. I can’t approach him before the game. That would throw him off, and I don’t want to ruin his season stats. I have to wait this out and talk to him after the game is over.

Ash falters a bit at the start. He’s distracted, and I wonder if having Liz and me here is contributing to that. By halftime, he gets his head together and starts playing like he usually does. He makes an amazing pass downfield to Jackson, who actually holds on to the ball and scores a touchdown. I jump out of my seat and cheer for Ash. Luckily, Grayson does the same. Otherwise, I’d feel like such a stalker right now. She hugs me and squeals in my ear. I look over my shoulder and see Liz cheering, too. Long after the rest of the crowd quiets down, Liz is still screaming, “Yeah, Ash! Great job!”

He looks up at her for a moment, but with his helmet on, I can’t tell if he’s smiling. He tilts his head in my direction before he takes his spot on the bench.

“What was that?” I ask Gray. “Did you see anything? A smile, anything?”

“No. Why isn’t he taking his helmet off?” Grayson shifts on the bleachers, trying to see Ash around the players getting water. “The game’s almost over. Why is he just sitting there?”

“Probably because his two crazy ex-girlfriends showed up.” The reality of the situation slams into me. “I need to get out of here. This was a mistake. He doesn’t want me here.”

“How do you know? He’s looked at you more than once.”

“Yeah, well he’s looked at Liz, too.”

Grayson takes my hand in hers. “Meg, I love you, but I’m not going to watch you go back to being a shell of yourself. You have to at least try. Tell him how you feel and let him decide from there. If it’s over, it’s over. You’re no worse off than you are now.”

Not true. “If I pour my heart out to him now, after everything, and he rejects me…” I shake my head, tears welling up in my eyes. “I’m not strong enough to handle that.”

Grayson stands up, looking at me like she’s never been more disappointed. There’s no evidence of my best friend anywhere. “Not strong enough?” She grabs my hand and pulls me across our row of bleachers and up to the right. I see Derrick, the one she’s bringing me to.

“Gray, no!” I try to pull away, but she has a death grip on my wrist.

“Yes! I’m sick of this. He has nothing on you.” She stops and turns so her face is in mine. “You’re letting him control you. End it. Now. Tell him what an ass he was. How he missed out on the amazing girl you are. Move past this. He doesn’t deserve to make you feel this bad.”

Derrick isn’t even aware of us standing six feet away from him. He’s oblivious. I’m nothing to him. I never was. I squint at him, hating him. But he doesn’t even deserve to be hated. That’s still caring too much about him. I’m nothing to him, and he should be the same to me.

I meet Grayson’s eyes. “Thanks, but I don’t want to talk to him.”

She shakes her head. “Meg—”

“No. It’s not what you think. He doesn’t deserve to hear what I have to say. He doesn’t deserve a single thought on my part. I’m done. Really done. He
did
miss out. It’s his loss. Not mine.” I mean it. I’m finally letting go of the hurt because Derrick isn’t worth it.

Gray hugs me to her. “I’ve missed you, you know.”

I pull away and smile at her. “I’ve missed me, too.”

“Ready to get the rest of you back?”

Ash. He does deserve my time. He should hear what I have to say. I owe him an apology. I owe him an explanation. My insides twist, and I feel like my breakfast is going to make another appearance. The final whistle blows, ending the game. I look up to see we’ve lost by seven. No one cheers. They stand up and walk off of the bleachers.

“Meg, come on. If we don’t hurry, he’s going to leave.” Gray pulls me down the bleachers, weaving in and out of the fans. “Excuse us!” she yells.

We reach the fence around the field, and I look for Ash. I see the back of his head by the water cooler. He hasn’t left yet.

“Wish me luck,” I say. Grayson smiles, and I climb over the fence. Some of the players give me looks. Jackson catches my eye and nudges Ash, motioning in my direction. I drop down onto the sideline and face Ash. He says something to Jackson, and Jackson jogs away.

My heart is pounding as I take a few steps. He waits until I’m only an arm’s length away before asking, “Meg, what are you doing here?”

God, it’s so good to hear his voice. To hear my name on his lips. My eyes linger on his face. His beautiful brown eyes, his full lips. “What I should’ve done a long time ago.” I take a deep breath. “Ash, I love you. I never stopped loving you. I thought you were cheating on me with Liz. I thought you were just like Derrick.” I close the distance between us, but he backs away, which makes me question if I’m doing the right thing.

“Derrick? That guy you slapped in the hallway?”

“Yes. We dated sophomore year. He broke up with me by making out with a freshman in front of my locker.”

Ash’s eyes widen in understanding. “That’s why you hate freshmen so much. Why you hated Liz from the moment you saw her.”

That and she turned out to be
exactly
like I thought she’d be. “I’m sorry I never told you, but what Derrick did destroyed me. I was humiliated, and I didn’t open up to a guy again until you came along. I knew I could trust you, and I was right. You were amazing, Ash. Perfect. But then Liz came around, and she was obviously into you. All those feelings came rushing back. I wasn’t seeing you anymore. I was seeing Derrick. Derrick and Stacy.”

“I never cheated on you. Liz liked me, yes. And I should’ve done a better job sending her away, but I was hurt that you were letting Noah hang around when he clearly liked you. I figured if it was okay for you to enjoy his attention, I could enjoy Liz’s.”

I can’t blame him for that. “I’m sorry about the thing with Noah. I had a crush on him before you and I got together, and when he showed an interest in me, well, it was like the younger version of me was holding on to the person I’d made him out to be.”

“You dated him though. You’re still dating him, aren’t you?”

He doesn’t know? I thought everyone knew. “No. I ended it. He’s a nice guy and he really cares about me, but I couldn’t stay with him.”

“A nice guy?” Ash scoffs.

“I get that you don’t think so. I don’t blame you for that. Yes, he let me know he liked me when you and I were together, but he never kissed me or anything like that. And then after you and I broke up, he was there, being all sweet. I thought he could be good for me. I tried to love him. I tried to forget you, but I couldn’t.” The tears are streaming down my cheeks now, and everyone left in the lingering crowd is watching me. Watching us. But I don’t care. I have to get this out. “I love you, Ash. I’ll always love you.”

His face falls. “Meg, why are you telling me this? Why now?”