Perfecting the Odds (41 page)

Karis
cleared her throat as the rolling sob rose up her strangled throat like a balloon about to pop. And just as Karis said Robby’s name, Eve said Karis’s.

Karis
glared in Eve’s direction. “No,” Karis said quietly between gritted teeth, and Eve quickly shut her mouth.

Robby
then rose from his chair, now appearing twice his age.
When did that happen,
Karis asked herself. Her heart was now in a vice of guilt. Her boy had changed; he was taller; he’d lost the cute quality to his face, appearing a bit more matured and so handsome. She hadn’t even noticed
. What kind of mother does that?
Karis could nothing but stare at him in awe of his transformation.

“It’s okay,
Aunt Eve, I can take mom’s brutal honesty. It’s one of the reasons I love her so much.” Karis’s heart squeezed unbearably. “Mom’s like my own personal red pen, following me around, making corrections… praising when praise is due.” He smiled and turned toward her. “You really are great, mom.” Karis’s heart raced even within its tight grip, and she stared at the boy, now looking so much like a man she would love unconditionally for the rest of her life. Why the hell was she surprised, he’d been acting like man since the age of ten. He was responsible and perceptive and so goddamn
good
, it hurt. But he was another male who hid his dream, a secret from her, just like all the men in her life. She was suddenly aware of Michael’s hand on her thigh, as if he could pass comfort through his touch.

“
But, Mom, it’s not the criticism that bothers me…because you’re just being honest.” She tried to smile. She felt Michael’s grip tighten on her thigh.
That had to have hit him hard
, she thought. “It’s that you can’t be honest with yourself that eats me up inside.” And with that stab to her heart, her son walked away from the table. His voice had been steady, his eyes glassy, lacking any signs of humor or sarcasm.

O
ne single tear trickled down Karis’s face. Without looking at anyone in particular, she covered the silence. “Teenage boys and their hormonal outbursts, sheesh... excuse me,” she said and rose from the table. “Everyone enjoy your meal. Gracie, stay here please. I’ll be right back.” Karis turned and walked out of the room, stopping in the hallway to rest the back of her head against the wall. She shut her eyes and sucked in, letting the air out with a whoosh. Once she opened her eyes, Michael stood opposite of her, his eyes swimming with the worst possible emotion, pity. Goddamn pity.

“Please, Lord, not you too, Michael
...Wait, no, just let me have it. I’d rather get it over with.” He frowned in confusion. “Come on, Michael,” her voice a forced whisper, “berate me. Tell me I’m a bad mother for not knowing my only son’s future plans...admonish me for squashing his dreams. Just say it already. I’m throwing myself one hell of a pity party here, and you’ve crashed it, so let’s dance.”

Michael placed his hands lightly on her face and
brushed thumbs underneath her eyes.
Why did he have to fucking do that
? She sighed at the soothing caress. “I will do no such thing, Karis.”

“Michael
, when did my little boy grow up?” Her voice was strained; her eyes lined with tears. “Did I miss it when I was grieving over his father…or was when I was falling in love with you? Or maybe when you broke my heart, and I shut everyone out…because… I missed it. What kind of mother misses that?”

Beyond overwhelmed,
Karis turned on her heel and left Michael’s embrace.

Karis intended to hunt down Robby, but just as she turned the next corner, she spotted the back door leading out of the house. The humming current called to her. She opened the door and stepped outside, slipped off her shoes, and placed her bare feet in the cool sand. That sensation, alone, was cathartic. She shut her eyes and tipped her face up toward the sun shining brightly. Light gusts of wind blew her hair into swirling circles. She took a deep cleansing breath and walked toward the horizon.

Why couldn’t life be as simple as the waves, the current?
No one questioned when the tide came in.

It was p
redictable, methodical.

The promise always delivered.
The water always returned.

No deception. No death.

She walked a couple paces more and sat down a few yards from the crashing waves. She tucked one foot beneath her and shut her eyes again. She reflected on the day so far. She had just irrevocably embarrassed herself, her family, and probably Michael’s. And only one person was to blame.

Karis
Bennett, a.k.a. Wife-mother-friend-lover-of-the-year.

T
he sand moved behind her. Without turning, she said, “Michael, I know you’re being honorable, and that’s one of the things I love about you...but I need to be alone. If it wasn’t for Eve’s being here, I probably would have grabbed the kids and gone home already.”

“
Karis.” Her voice rose above the waves and the wind, loud but soothing.

She
turned her head slightly, just as Charley placed a blanket around Karis’s shoulders. “Oh, Charley, I’m so sorry.” Shameful tears threatened. “I’ve ruined your Thanksgiving. And Robby—I don’t know why he chose tonight to open up to me. Honestly, I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone. I’m so sorry for bringing it to your home.”

Charley
sat down beside her, stretching her legs in front of her. Karis glanced at the woman beside her. An uncanny connection forged between these two women.

“No apologies,
Karis. We have more in common than you think. Just listen for a few minutes, darling.” Her tone and demeanor mimicked Michael’s, making it impossible not to comply. Karis knew she was in for a conversation that would both rock her world and open emotional cracks she wasn’t strong enough to mend. With a deep breath, Karis attempted to lift her standard arsenal of emotional barricades.

“
When Michael’s father died, I would have sworn I died, too. We didn’t just share a life; we shared a heart. I didn’t want to believe he was gone, couldn’t accept it. I was angry and bitter, but most of all, I was lost.” Charley paused and raked the sand between her fingertips. “My capacity to love another died with him.” Karis’s guilt amplified to uncharted degrees, and Charley placed her hand over Karis’s hand.

“Please, Charley.”
Karis knew for a fact she wasn’t ready to hear what Charley was about to say.

“Karis, just listen.” She paused again.
“Michael explained how you reduce your personal tragedies to bad luck…that you despise pity and would rather deal with everything on your own. And because of that, he believes you cannot forgive…yourself the most. He knows you love him. I know it. Everyone in that house knows it. Both of you wear the love so outwardly, it brings tears to my eyes.” Charley grew quiet, and Karis gave her the silence.

“
Michael’s a good man, Karis. And if you love him as much as I know you do, open yourself to him. All the way. He won’t disappoint you. He’s waited his whole life for you.”

“
Me?”  The question left her mouth before she bit her tongue to stop it.

Charley
gave a shadow of a smile. “Yes, I believe so. After he was treated and cleared of cancer, he came out of the whole ordeal a different person. He was always quiet and introverted, but he always had a vibrant confidence, edging on arrogance. After the cancer, he lost that edge. Every man needs a bit of arrogance, a reason to puff up his chest and act like a cave man every once and a while.” So true. Karis chuckled through her tears. “That man was gone. I can only imagine he woke from the surgery feeling emasculated, but I wouldn’t dare ask him about it.” Charley then turned her face toward the sky. “I would have given anything to have his father back just for a day, just so he could talk to him.” Charley’s voice began to waver before she turned to Karis again and handed her a tissue. “And just when I thought he’d given up on happily ever after, he met you.”

Karis shook her head. “Oh, Charley, you give me too much credit.”

“
What are you afraid of, Karis? What is it?”

“
Right now I--I feel like I’m losing my mind. I cry so much, and with each tear, I damn near lose a piece of myself…I feel as if I have no control over my own life. How dramatic is that?” Karis snorted and wiped her nose. “He lied to me; he promised, Charley.” It was in that moment Karis realized she was referring to not only Michael, but also Robert, Robby, and her father, the man who chanted every night, “I’ll see you in the morning, baby girl.” All spoke broken promises or untruths that irrevocably damaged her ability to love fully.

“
But that’s not what’s making you lose your mind, is it? I think you’ve already forgiven Michael for the lie…or you wouldn’t be here today.” Okay, she may have a point. “Even though I’ve lost my husband, I’ve never felt alone. Maybe lonely some days, but never alone.”

She shook her head.
“I know lonely. Trust me.”

“Since Michael?”
And with those two words, Karis broke loose. The tears deluged as quickly as the truth unraveled. The verity of all her pain was that Michael had resided in her heart since that night three years ago. Just the thought of him brought comfort. Was he right all along? Were they connected despite distance and conflict?

“Karis, you’re never alone when your heart is not your own. When two people bond with each other, you don’t give away your heart. Your lover claims it.
And then there’s no need to worry about your heart breaking because you cannot break what you do not possess. And because you have his, you trust him enough to care for you, to nurture the single love you share with each other. That’s true love, dear.” Shit. Was that why she was so angry…because she’d given up the control over her own heart? Her stomach lurched as she tried to gain control of her emotions and her sobs.

“
I know you trust Michael, despite his keeping the cancer from you. Karis, do you think you could have controlled any of the loss in your life? Is there anything you could have done to change any of it?”

Unable to speak,
Karis shook her head.

“Then, darling,
maybe you just need to trust Michael with your heart…allow
yourself
some happiness, let some goodness into your life.”

Karis
gulped and wiped her tears. “I don’t how,” she whispered.

Charley
nodded not with acceptance but rather acknowledgement. “He loves you, Karis. All of you. That includes your emotions, your baggage, your children. He smiles now. He laughs. Your love saved him.”

Karis
stood. There was no way a woman, who could barely get through a day without crying or lashing out, who is now convinced had never truly loved her husband, saved a man like Michael. Ironically, everything now just felt like one goddamn lie. Her life had literally gone ass up in a matter of minutes. And now she was reduced to cliché’d mush; Michael was what dreams were made of. He deserved so much better than to live in her nightmare, a part of her shitty existence. It was as simple as that.

“
Thank you for talking with me, Charley. You are the image of compassion and are a wonderful mother. I can’t imagine having to deal with both my husband and son having cancer. I envy your strength. I think I just need time...to make sense of…life,” she said, already turning to walk toward the house.

“
Thank you…But, Karis?” Karis stopped and turned to face her again. “Even though the love I share with my husband provides me a wealth of comfort and happiness…God, I’d give almost anything to have him here with me. There’s nothing like having the real thing.” Charley gracefully stepped in front of her. “You have to take life how it comes, moving through the pain, but when your love is right beside you, life is so much easier, dear.” And with that, Charley headed for the house.

From his bedroom window, Michael watched his mother talking with Karis on the beach. Fuck, she was beautiful. The breeze moving the hair across her shoulders, her knee tucked casually beneath her, the sunlight highlighting her gorgeous features. But as soon as he saw her swipe away her first tear, he had to grip the window frame to stop himself from running to her. God, he hated seeing her like this, so conflicted, so sad. And strangely, for the first time since she’d left him, he almost felt like what she was struggling with had nothing to do with him.

***

Soon after watching Charley enter the house, Karis followed quietly, reeling from the riddle wrapping around her heart. She found everyone—except for Michael and Robby—in the sunroom, talking and laughing as if she hadn’t just gone on a tirade. Charley was in the kitchen reheating the food, sending another delicious round of traditional Thanksgiving aromas throughout the home. Karis stood in the doorway and watched as the adults filed back into the dining room for round two.