Phobic (22 page)

Oh well. It’s not like he’s never seen my legs before, either. I brush my teeth and hair, and for once I
don’t
wash my face.

When I come out, Todd is spread out on the makeshift bed in his jeans, shirt, and socks. Curls spill down his forehead, and shadows from the lamplight play on his features. I snag my lips with my teeth.

“Where do you think Joel went?” he asks. “Don’t you think you should call the police or something?”

Did his eyes just flick down my body? The pit of my stomach burns, and I fight the urge to tug on my shirt.

“If he’s not back by tomorrow, I will.” The police won’t do anything right away, anyway. I’ve tried not to think of it too much—the thought of Joel disappearing leaves me feeling more helpless than ever. I keep telling myself
he’s fine. Everything’s fine.
But the words don’t do much.

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Todd says as if reading my mind. “It’s Saturday night, maybe he’s on a hot date.”

“Believe me,” I say, stepping between his feet on the way to my bed. “If Joel had a hot date he would have told me.” I stall for a minute. Maybe I
should
call him again. Or text him, at least.

Todd sits up, and his hand clasps my wrist. The touch surges clear up my arm and into my chest, and I inhale a rickety breath.

“I should have believed you,” he says, studying my fingers in his. “Before. You’re right. Your house—it’s all been there, right in front of my face. How have I missed things for all these years?”

“S’okay,” I say, kneeling down beside him and toying with the tufts of yarn where the colorful blue quilt was tied. “I’ve ignored things, too.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

I stop fiddling with the blanket and look directly in his gleaming, cinnamon eyes. I fight the urge to brush a curl from his forehead. “Like how great you really are.”

Todd laughs. “I am pretty awesome.”

“I’m serious! I’m sorry for getting so upset about Sierra. It just never occurred to me that you actually liked her for who she is, not just how gorgeous she is.”

He sinks back onto his elbows. I plant my gaze to his face, not down the line of his chest to his slim hips. “I’m not as shallow as you thought, is that it?”

“Something like that.”

I expect him to laugh, but instead he sits up again, captures me with his gaze and says, “I never liked her, Pipes. I only acted like it to make you jealous.”

That makes no sense. I don’t see why he felt he had to do that—although, it worked.

“We’ve always been great friends, but lately I’ve wanted more. It was the only way I could think to see if you felt the same. I mean, short of coming out and just telling you.”

Speaking is impossible. I stare at him, pulse ticking all over my body.

“I guess a direct approach would probably have worked better,” he says. Then he balls his hands into fists and taps them at his knees. “I have the biggest crush on you. There. I said it.”

“You—you do?” I know it’s nighttime, but with those words it feels like rays of sunlight pour through every inch of me.

“You’ve always been cool, Piper. I’ve always felt this connection with you, since we were kids.” His Adam’s apple bobs. “I didn’t know what to say to you in the car yesterday morning. Not because of the zit thing, you’ve always been pretty. But I just, I don’t know. I felt something for you that I’ve never…”

This is absurd. And yet I’m ravenous inside. It’s a challenge to concentrate on anything but him, and I want nothing more than for him to keep talking.

“Why do you think I wanted so badly for the guys to like you? I want you to be more than just my friend, Piper.”

The jittery-warm rays inside me ricochet from one end of me to the other, like shards of ping-pong light. I want to reciprocate; to let him know I feel the same, but words won’t do it justice.

Todd fidgets like he’s not sure how to hold himself. It’s strange, considering this isn’t the first time we’ve been alone together, nor is it the first sleepover we’ve had.

I scoot forward on the patched quilt, and he straightens. His eyes follow my every move, and I press my bare knees to his jeans so there’s no space left between us. The closeness tricks up the consistency of the air. It’s electric, whipped with energy. I sense all the invisible particles between us.

His smell of musky soap is faint. I cross a shaky hand to rest on his other side. Heat spells out along my reach. And every rise and fall of my chest brushes with his.

“Piper,” he whispers.

Breaths trip over the jagged rhythm of my heart, and I don’t know how I manage to move so slowly considering the pinwheels under my skin. I’ve never done this before. Ever.

“Shh,” I say, stopping his lips with my fingers. All thoughts have left me. I want this. To let him know I care for him too. To be close and feel something else besides panic and fear.

Todd’s hands secure my waist, gentle and barely pressing at first, and then he tugs me onto his lap. My breathing shakes more than ever, and to my surprise, the house makes no sound of protest. This is happening. And with
Todd
.

His eyes deepen with a sleepy, yielding light as he cups my jaw and brushes his lips against mine. The soft touch is like a match on gunpowder. Only instead of triggering more fireworks, the explosions take on a gooey texture and trickle all over me, like liquid sparklers.

The kiss doesn’t last long, and it’s not what I expect it to be, although I’m not sure what that is. I’m not even sure what I’m doing. His mouth is soft. It takes a few seconds figuring out how to move mine against it, but after a few tries we get the motion down before breaking apart.

He’s not shouting, “Gross!” or shoving me off, so I take that as a good sign. My hands hover. Todd doesn’t seem to have the same problem. His fingers rest on my thigh and my lower back.

His lips leave echoes on mine. I ache to have him back, but I want to know what he’s thinking before I do anything else.

“I can’t believe we’ve never done that before,” he finally says, touching his forehead to mine. Our breathing intermingles, and every part of his body calls me to move closer. As if he senses the same thing, his hands tighten around me. I meet his gaze. His breath brushes down my cheek.

“Come here,” he says, moving his mouth toward mine again. This time I’m more prepared for the feel of his lips, and yet I’m not prepared at all. They move slightly faster, and each of their traces sends tingles down my legs. They slow and open against mine, and I’m definitely not prepared for his tongue touching mine, though it makes me want to cleave harder to him than I ever have to anyone before.

A light gleams through my open bedroom door, illuminating the hallway. I grip Todd’s shoulders and pull away.

“Joel?” I say, breathless. Shadows play on the wainscoting, inching toward the glow coming from my open door.

“He’s not here,” Todd mumbles against my throat in a low, husky voice. His palm is at my lower back, pulling me into him.

But his embrace doesn’t have the effect I know it should. I’m too distracted. The light is there, but it isn’t changing anything. Todd is still shadowed in my room’s dim lamplight. He gives me a confused glance.

“What is it?” he asks.

I peck a quick kiss to his mouth and climb from his lap, roiling with unease.

“I’ll be right back.”

Hints of orange filter through the light, and though I step through it, my skin remains shaded. Voices rumble in the stillness, and I slam against the wall at the sight of two people arguing at the mouth of the stairs.

“Meet with me tomorrow,” Thomas says, catching Ada in the landing between the four upstairs rooms. He is as handsome as the first time I saw him and wears the same cream shirt, brown vest, and pants. This time Ada has a black, floor-length dress with a white apron and a white cap covering her tightly pulled back hair.

She fiddles with the lump of bloodied sheets in her hands. Some blood also smears on her cheek. “I cannot. You know I cannot.”

“Why? Have you given your heart to him after all?”

Ada looks to the door labeled
Staff Only
. “You know that is impossible.”

“Yet you will be his,” Thomas says as if he can’t believe it. I attempt to follow who they’re talking about. And why she’s holding bloody sheets. I peer back at Todd, but he’s lowered himself onto the pillow at his back. A lazy smile curves his lips.
Go back to him. Don’t worry about Ada and Thomas.
But I resist.

“You know he cares little for propriety where society is concerned,” Ada says. “The only reason he is revered and invited to events is for his money. It would be nothing for him to take a servant as his wife.”

Thomas grips Ada’s arms. His brow is a firm line. “And have you?”

Ada’s pouty mouth drops. “How dare you?” She tries to wiggle free.

“You cannot,” Thomas says with clenched teeth. His eyes gleam with a threatening dark edge. He turns away from her, one hand at his hip, the other in a fist at the wall. “I’ll die first.”

“This is how things are,” Ada says.

Shivers crawl along the backs of my arms. I shudder, remembering her voice say those exact words that first time in the basement. So it
was
her.

“We may not like it, but two servants in love can do very little where their master is concerned.”

Thomas faces her again. This time, a twinkle lays in his blue eyes, and a smile quirks at the corner of his mouth. “You do love me.”

Silence pulses between them. Ada never breaks from his gaze. Her irises dart between his. I’m warm from my knee-knocking kiss with Todd, but at the look they share, the temperature goes up a few more degrees.

“
Heart
and
soul
,” she says through her teeth, “and may I burn for the admission.”

“Then come away with me. This is America. We have just fought the war of all wars, freeing the slaves in the South. Who says we cannot have freedom as well?”

Ada shakes her head, clinging to the bloodied sheet in her trembling arms. “You know what he is capable of as well as I. We cannot attempt to run and remain unscathed.”

Thomas’ eyes grapple over her face and then his mouth crashes down on hers. Her eyes pop open for one tiny second and then she drops the sheet and wraps her arms around him, returning the kiss. Thomas forces her backward until she bumps into the wall.

“Then scathe me till I die,” he mutters against her mouth. His hands trace over her face like he’s trying to take in as much of her as he can.

Ada pushes him away, breathing heavily, and looks in both directions. She readjusts her white cap and picks up the sheet from the floor. “I’ll not be the cause of your death, Thomas. I tell you now, it cannot be.”

He huffs, hands at his sides. “So you will go on as we are now.”

Tears well in her eyes and her lip wobbles. She keeps one hand on the brass knob. “I will, so help me. Until the stars fall, I will.” And she pushes through the service door to the servants’ staircase, leaving Thomas alone in the hall.

Todd’s hand slips around my waist from behind, startling me. I let out a small squeal, wheeling in his hold until my chest flushes with his. My legs wobble.

“It’s just us,” he whispers in my ear. “What are you looking at?”

The hallway darkens, as if nothing happened out here minutes before. I’m overwhelmed. By Todd, by what I just saw. The house creaks, and I rip away from him, clenching my fists at the movement.

In seconds Todd’s arms are around me again. “What is it?” he whispers, but doesn’t wait for the answer. He moves his mouth close to mine. His breath brushes my cheek, but I’m too focused on wondering who they are and why I keep seeing them. I put a hand on his chest. He pulls back, a muscle twitching in his jaw.

“We’d better get to sleep,” I say, dashing to my bed. I want to kiss Todd again, but I have to think, to process why I’m seeing these visions. I’ve lived in this house my whole life, so why now? My breathing is double-time, and I have feelings going on that I can’t quite explain.

“Okay,” Todd says, sounding puzzled. He plunks down on the blankets with an arm resting on each knee.

I’m trying to regain my bearings. I rope my hair across my shoulder and twist it. We kissed. Holy moly, I kissed Todd.

“I just—” I don’t know what to even say. I just saw two people who used to be servants in my house kissing, too. And one of them eventually got boarded up alive here and died.

“Don’t.” He runs a hand through his rumpled black curls. “I don’t get you lately, Pipe. Not at all.”

Pipe
? Seriously?

“You’re mad because I didn’t want to make out with you?”

“A little! You give me all these weird signals lately, you’re mad at me earlier, then you cling to me like I’m Hercules after seeing your mom. You beg me to sleep here. You kiss me and then just—” He scoffs like he doesn’t know what else to say. “I just wish I knew what was up with you.”

“You’re not the only one,” I say, burying my head into my hands. If only he knew half of it.

“You know what? Whatever. The phrase ‘like kissing my sister’ has a whole new meaning.”

His words stab straight through me. “What does that mean? You’re the one who kissed
me
!”

“Forget it,” he says, standing up. “I’m going to go brush my teeth.”

“Why, because I tasted so gross?”

He mutters something under his breath, but heads out through the darkened hallway.

I sit in my covers and gawk at the floral wallpaper in my bedroom. Todd’s right, something is off with me lately. But that look in his eyes…he wanted to do it as much as I did. He said it was like kissing his sister, but it couldn’t have been.

As far as first kisses go, it was pretty awesome for me. His mouth, his touch, the ultra-electric tension sizzling between us—everything was perfect. I don’t get why everything has to go screwy now.

And Ada, and Thomas. I shake it off, try not to think about them. Even if I knew what was going on, there’s nothing I can do about it. They died a long time ago.