Pictures of Lily (35 page)

‘You’re back!’

I smile sadly, but say nothing. It depends on his definition of ‘back’. He gingerly gets to his feet, but I stay where I am inside the glass sliding door.

He looks a mess. He hasn’t shaved in days and his face is pale and puffy.

‘Lily?’ He stands in front of me on the deck, his palms upright. I know he wants me to step outside into his arms, but I can’t. I don’t want to mislead him. His eyes fill with tears. ‘You’re leaving me.’

‘Yes.’

His face creases with pain. ‘No,’ he moans.

‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper as he pushes past me and sinks onto the sofa. He buries his head in his hands, but suddenly looks up at me, his jaw working angrily as he demands, ‘Have you seen him?’

‘No.’ I sit down on the armchair. ‘I’ve done as you asked. I haven’t called him or tried to see him. I’ve spent time away from both of you. I’ve never done so much thinking in my life.’

He stares ahead in a trance. ‘What am I going to tell my parents?’

‘I’m so sorry.’ I hate that thought also. It’s going to be horrible for him and they’re going to be so disappointed in me.

‘Is there nothing I can say or do to make you change your mind?’

I shake my head sorrowfully and wait a long time before he speaks again.

‘I think you should go now.’

I nod. ‘I’ll pack some things.’

I get up quietly and leave him there on the sofa. In the bedroom I try not to think about everything I’m losing, but it’s hard not to. My attention flicks to the picture of Richard and me on the bedside table as I miserably pack a small bag. I’ll need to come back to clear out properly, but for now I just need a few more clothes to see me through this week. I plan to go back to Mum’s tonight.

I want to call Ben, but I know it’s a bad idea in the state I’m in. I don’t think he should see me like this. I know I need time to recover before I go down that path. But that’s my head talking. My heart thinks differently.

Richard appears in the hallway as I’m emerging from the bedroom.

‘Don’t go to him,’ he begs urgently.

‘Richard, I—’

‘NO!’ In a sudden, violent rage he punches the wall and I jump back in shock. ‘PLEASE! I can’t bear the thought of you with him!’

‘Don’t hurt yourself!’ I cry, grabbing his hand. His knuckles are red and sore.

‘Don’t go. I don’t want you to go,’ he pleads, covering my hand with his. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you, too.’

‘Then,
why
?’

‘It’s not enough. It would never have been enough. You never had
all
of me. You never
would
have had all of me. And you deserve to have the whole of someone.’ I detach myself gently, but don’t bother to brush away the tears that are running down my cheeks. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘I can’t believe you’ve chosen him over me.’ His voice is dull.

‘It wasn’t a choice,’ I tell my boyfriend of two years. My fiancé. The man I almost married. ‘I’ve always been his.’

Yes, you have. You’ve felt a lot worse than this.

It’s true. Of course it’s true. This is nothing compared to the pain that crippled me when Ben left. Oh, God, I want to see him so much.

I make a right at the shorefront and am out of breath as I haul the bag over my other shoulder and fight against the wind. I pass the surf shop which closed hours ago, and peer at the ocean to see if I can spot any surfers in the enormous waves crashing against the shore. But it’s dark now and they’ve all gone home for the night. I pass a restaurant lit warmly from the inside and spy a family of three eating a pizza. I halt in my tracks as I wonder if it’s Sam and Molly with Mikey, but I realise it’s not. A guy comes out of the shop with a takeaway pizza box and almost slams into me.

‘Sorry!’ he gasps. I look up to see Nathan. ‘Lily!’

‘Hi.’

His gaze falls on my bag before his bluey-grey eyes meet mine. ‘Have you broken up with him?’

‘Yes.’ I can’t bear the grave look on his face.

‘How is he?’

‘Not good,’ I admit.

‘I’ll go and see him,’ he decides. ‘Where are you going now?’

‘Back to Mum’s.’

‘Okay.’ Sadness fills his features as he places his hand on my arm. ‘Take care, alright?’

I nod hurriedly. ‘When are you leaving, you and Lucy?’

‘In a few weeks. We’ll see him right before then.’

‘Thank you,’ I whisper and turn away.

I’ll miss Nathan. I’ll miss Sam, Molly and Mikey. And I’ll miss Lucy. I’ll miss them all. Am I doing the right thing?
Ben
. . . Thoughts and memories of him rush through my head, almost as though I’m watching a movie on fast-forward.

He’s looking through my very first set of photos as we sit on the grass beside the lily pond.

He’s gently taking the injured joey from me, pressing his warm arms against mine.

He’s staring into my eyes across a table and I want to kiss him so much it hurts.

Enough. I want to be with him and I want to be with him now.

My heart lifts as I spot a public telephone box up ahead. Of course I know his number from memory. I committed it there along with everything else related to him.

He answers on the third ring.

‘It’s me,’ I say.

‘Lily!’

‘Are you at home?’

‘No, I’m on the yacht.’

‘I’m coming to see you.’

‘Do you need a lift?’

‘No. There’s a taxi right here.’ I flag one down as it’s passing.

‘Do you remember where I’m moored?’

‘Of course.’

It starts to pelt down with rain as I climb into the taxi. ‘Jeez, you’re a bit lucky,’ the driver exclaims. ‘Where are you going?’

I tell him and then settle back to stare out of the window.

The wind almost knocks me off my feet as I climb out of the taxi, dragging my bag with me. The rain soaks me through in an instant as I run towards Ben’s yacht. There’s a light on inside the cabin. I lean over and knock on one of the tiny windows and the cabin door bursts open, and then his arms are around my waist as he lifts me and my bag onto the boat. He hurries me down below and shuts the door against the storm.

‘You’re soaking!’ he exclaims, his hands on my face and his fingers in my hair.

‘So are you.’ The rain is still running down his face and onto his T-shirt. His arms are wet.

‘Are you okay? What’s happened?’ His eyes search mine for any clues and then he releases his grip on me and steps away to give me space. He glances down at my bag on the floor and suddenly we’re staring at each other again and I know he understands.

I lift up my hand to touch his face. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but have never been able to. The stubble under my fingers is rough. He stares back at me with blue, blue eyes as my thumb touches his lips. The rain pelts down hard from outside and the boat rocks to and fro in the harbour. I step forward and then I’m in his arms and tilting my head up and he’s kissing me gently, as though he’s afraid I might break or dissolve or disappear into dust.

Shivers travel all the way down my spine in waves, over and over again as his tongue touches mine and our kiss deepens. I slip my hands around his waist and try to get closer to him, never wanting to let him go. Not now, not ever, never ever again.

I lead him to the bed because it’s still made up, and I drag his wet T-shirt up and over his head, feeling his hot, naked chest as I go. His eyes never leave mine as I unbutton my damp top and then he’s kissing my jaw, kissing my neck and I’m pulling him on top of me, not wanting to wait any longer.

This is where I belong. This is where I want to be. We’ve lost ten years of our lives together and there is no way –
no way
– I’m going to lose any more.