Pieces of Perfect (29 page)

Thirty-Eight
 

             
In the parking lot after school, I pulled Eva’s parent contact form from my purse and plugged in Adam’s address into my GPS.  I didn’t know what I planned to do once I got there, but I knew I had to go.  It was finally
my
turn to fight.  I spent the ten minute drive to Adam’s trying to regain my composure (and what was left of my dignity).  I had no idea if Adam would even talk to me.  I certainly didn’t deserve a conversation.  I had betrayed him, and I knew it.  

              As I pulled up to Adam’s house, the reality of the fact that I had never been here before sunk in.  The two-story brick home was modest, despite Adam’s income. There were flowers planted recently in his front yard just in time for the start of spring. The driveway had a basketball net on the side.  I could imagine him playing with Eva there on a summer evening.  A few of the windows were up to let in the breeze, and the dark red wooden door was left ajar.  It had a welcoming charm to it, in spite of the fact that I might never actually be welcome inside.  I couldn’t help but think all that was missing was a white picket fence.
 

Parked outside, I decided to text him:
 
I'm outside.  I know you don’t want to talk to me.  But if you don’t come out, I’m coming in.  
 

I felt confident in my assertiveness.
 Several minutes passed, and Adam finally emerged.  I rolled down the passenger’s window, and he leaned down reluctantly.  “What?”  His tone was deliberately harsh.

“Please talk to me.  I know I don’t deserve it.  But you do.  I owe you an explanation.”

He exhaled a sharp breath through his nose and shook his head, his eyes avoiding mine.  “There’s no explanation for what you did.  You lied to me.  You cheated on me, Lily
.
”  
 

“I know I did.
 I’m so sorry.  I don’t even know what to say to convey just how sorry I am.”  I swallowed a lump that had been building in my throat since I’d left work as I concentrated on blinking back tears.
 

“How about the truth,” he sighed, finally bringing his gaze up to meet mine.
 “For once.”  It wasn't a demand. More of a plea, really.

He had asked me for the truth so many times, but until now, I hadn't been able to give it to him. “I can do that,” I finally assured him, raising the corners of my mouth to force an apologetic smile as I unlocked the door.  “Get in.  We’ll go for a ride.  I know Eva’s probably inside.”
 

After some hesitation, Adam nodded.  Then, he went inside briefly to tell Eva he’d be right back.

The tension between us was palpable when Adam entered the car.  In
silence, we drove to the park at the end of the street, and I pulled into a space at the edge of the lot.  I shut the ignition off after rolling down the window, desperately needing some fresh air.  “I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”  I knew I had to be direct.  My only shot at reconciliation would be to tell him the complete truth.  And even if Adam didn’t take me back, he still deserved to hear it.  
 

“Tell me everything.
 I wanna know all of it.  Did he know about me the whole time we were together?  Were you fucking both of us the entire time?  When was the last time you were with him?”  The words spilled from his lips rapidly, and with no filter.  “Why did you do this?  Did you ever even
love
me?”  I just listened, letting him expel all of what he wanted to say before answering.
 

He finally turned to face me, and I closed my eyes before breathing in deeply.
 
Complete honesty, Lily.  Remember, it’s your only chance.  
“I love you, Adam.  That’s the truth.  But I told you I loved you before I actually meant it. I was scared I would lose you if I didn't.”  I couldn’t avoid the tear that ran down my cheek, and I knew that even though I wiped it away, there would just be more to take its place.  “That’s what I’m most ashamed of.”  

I reached out to Adam’s hand that was resting tensely against his thigh, but he it pulled away.  The gesture was subtle enough not to seem harsh, but it stung just the same.  And I felt the absence of his touch through my whole body.  
 

“You shouldn’t be crying.”
 He said it unsympathetically, and without
concern for how it might make me feel.  He said it because it was the truth.  “I should be.  I
have
been.  Do you know how much you meant to me?”  He rubbed his eyes with his fingers before answering his own question.  “No, of course you don’t.  Because if you did . . . you wouldn’t have been so fucking selfish.”

I sniffled back the tears, forcing myself to find strength where there was none.

“Why?” he asked, his glassy eyes begging silently for the truth.  “What did he have that I couldn’t give you?  Tell me how this happened.  Please, Lily.”
 

I began with how we'd met in the airport: our im
mediate sexual attraction.  I struggled to keep my voice steady as I told him of Atlantic City and how I had tried to say goodbye to Max, but I needed closure.  Embarrassment coursed through me, and I felt my face redden with each indiscretion I revealed.  My dinner with Max’s parents and our night at the fundraiser seemed to hit Adam the hardest.  And I knew why.  I had felt something for Max.  And for the first time, I saw Adam actually cry.  It wasn’t a sobbing cry.   He didn’t even make a sound.  He just turned away, and I saw a tear fall from his right eye through the reflection of the window.  “I’m sorry,” I said because I didn’t know what else I
could
say.  “I love you.  You have to believe me.”    

When he turned back to face me, there was an unmistakable emptiness in his eyes.  I felt like I was a third party, viewing the scene from the outside.  Like when you watch a movie and you already know the ending, but for some reason you still pray it’ll turn it differently this time.  “You’ve told me so many lies.  I don’t
have
to believe
anything
you say.”

The tears flowed freely from me now as I begged this man to take me back.  “Adam, please.  Please don’t do this.  It was a mistake.  
He
was a mistake.  We’re done, I promise.  I just couldn’t resist him.”  The last sentence fell from my mouth before I could censor it.
 

“Yeah,” he said, taking my hand gently in his as he closed his eyes for a moment before continuing.
 “Well, now you don’t have to.”  Then, he let my hand drop from his. Without so much as another word, he got out of the car and closed the door gently behind him without turning around.

I watched him through blurred eyes stinging with tears until he vanished from sight.  Adam Carter was gone.  

Max once told me that sometimes in our quest to have everything, we sometimes find ourselves left with nothing.  There was no truer statement in this moment.  A few days ago, I’d woken up with everything.  And now here I was, left with nothing.

And the worst part was it hadn’t been taken from me.  I had given it away.  And in my path of destruction, I’d left two men who had truly cared for me with nothing too.  I guess fighting for what you want isn’t always enough.  Sometimes you actually have to deserve it.

Thirty-Nine

I spent the weekend locked in my room, shifting back and forth between sleeping and crying.
 Amanda attempted to get me to open the door a few times, but I ignored her.  I wasn’t ready for someone to try and cheer me up.  I hadn’t suffered enough yet.
 

I knew that I had caused all of this.
 That is actually what hurt the most.  I could deflect it onto Max all I wanted.  But that wouldn’t change the facts.  I had lied.  Deeply, thoroughly, repeatedly.  I had gambled with my happiness, with Adam’s trust, and with Max’s hope.  And I’d lost it all with the reckless abandon of a teenager. I had had so many opportunities to make things right.  To take what chips were left and move forward from there.   But I was too busy riding the wave to see that I was on a collision course.  
God, I was really fucking stupid.
 

Max had warned me, but I didn’t listen.
 Instead, I called him horrible and blamed him for my life’s collapse.  None of that had been fair.  I could see now that, while a part of me did love Max, a part of me had used him too.   He satisfied a craving, a need I couldn’t explain.  I just wish I had realized this sooner, or at least before he had.  I think that’s the worst part about how things ended between us.  He saw just how inconsequential he was in the grand scheme of my future.  Max had always thought I’d been myself with him.  I had thought so, too.  I guess we were both wrong.

But it was thoughts of Adam that elicited the deepest sobs.  Max and I weren’t innocents in this.  We both knew the score.  But Adam hadn’t even known we were playing the game.  He had given me so much of himself, and I had stomped all over it.  I told myself that the things I did, I did to keep him.  But, all they really did was drive him away.
 

I remembered back to all of the times when I thought that I deserved better than Max or that I deserved less than Adam.
 And finally, I found myself face to face with what I really deserved.  Nothing.  Life isn’t meant to be lived by keeping score and tallying points.  You get what you get.  It’s as simple as that.   

So, by Sunday night, I had begun to deal with my fate.  I’d started sorting through all of the errors I’d made, all the missteps, and all of the bullshit that had led me here.  And as I unlocked my bedroom door and walked down the hallway to the living room, I realized that what I really needed was to grow the fuck up.

“Interested in takeout for dinner?” I asked Amanda, who had stationed herself on the couch in case I made an appearance.  
 

“Sure,” she replied, looking over at me as she sat up and made room for me next to her.
 

I sat down and pulled my knees up into my chest, resting my chin on them.  

“What are you in the mood for?” she asked.
 

I thought for a moment.
 “Something different,” I said, turning my head to look at her.

“I’m up for that.”  Her eyes stayed on mine, holding my gaze, letting me know that she understood.  

And I really hoped that she did.  

*              *              *
 

             
Eventually my tears dried and I was able to get back to being myself.  Not the
myself
of the past four months, but the real me.  The one who had learned and grown from my experiences.  I was now decidedly different than I was when this whole mess started.

Started.  

That was a loaded term for me now.  I had started so many things in the recent months, and for better or worse, I had seen them all through.  But I don’t think that gets me any congratulations or standing ovations.  What I had started brought a lot of pain to people I care about tremendously.  There’s no pride to be taken in that.

              I started a relationship built on sex, need, and brutal honesty.  The journey that relationship took me on was profound.  I have been shaped more by Max Samson than by any other person on this earth.  He taught me that it is okay to have desires and primal urges.  It is okay to make your own rules, as long as you can bear the consequences.  He taught me that it is okay to just be Lily.  I am forever thankful to him for that.  
 

             
I also started down another path, laden with love, trust, and respect.  I wanted so badly to be ready for all things Adam Carter.  But I wasn’t.  I was so focused on my happily ever after that I didn’t stop and look at the twisted paths I was taking in order to get to the castle.  Or if I looked at them, I certainly didn’t take them for what they were: a warning.  I didn’t need a prince to show me my way.  I had needed a knight.  It was the adventure that had shaped me, not the destination.  There were lessons I had needed to learn, and Adam couldn’t teach them to me.

              But, I’m on firmer ground now, no longer treading on quicksand and waiting to be consumed by sadness.  I have endured the journey.  I have withstood the adventure.  I have learned that perfect doesn't exist. That, in reality, you're lucky to just get pieces of it. And that's exactly what I had, though I didn't appreciate it at the time. Now, I know better.
 

I don’t need a guide to show me the path anymore.
 I need someone willing to stand beside me so we can discover it together.   I’m finally ready for my prince.  But, the bitch of it is, he doesn’t want me anymore.  And this is a destiny that I don’t know how to change.
 

             
After a few weeks, I started going back to the coffee house, a place where something magical had started. I hoped that I would see Adam there.  This hope is what drew me back every morning for the rest of the school year.  But I never saw him.  
 

             
I haven't seen Max either.  He never returned to Swift after I had said goodbye to him at his house
that day.  He had told the school that a job offer had come in and he couldn’t pass it up.  He found a man to replace him as coach of the hockey team, a tough as nails older gentleman named Will.  I heard Will had coached Max when he was young.  

              The rest of the school year passed without any drama.  Teaching Eva was more than a little awkward, but I was her teacher so I just had to deal.  I threw myself back into teaching, putting my focus where it should be.  When the last day arrived, I was actually sad to see my students go.  We had been through a lot together, even though they didn’t realize nearly how much.  
 

             
So, with no prince and no knight, I decided that I should go on an adventure by myself.  See if I could start my own journey toward happily ever after. So, with some financial help from my parents, I’m spending my summer break overseas.  I’m going to troll around Europe and see if, for once, I can keep myself
out
of trouble. Which I should be able to do as long as I stay away from France. There’s something about a French accent coming out of a hot guy’s mouth that I don’t think I’ll be able to resist.

              Now, as I sit in the airport bar, sipping on a tequila sunrise, I do the only thing I can do.  Something that, at one point, I felt that I may never do again.  I smile.  I smile and remember where I’ve been.  And hope to hell it no longer affects where I’m going.  
 

             
It had started on a plane.  And now, hopefully, it would end on one, allowing me to start something new that was all my own.  I was finally ready to fight for something I deserved: myself.