Pirate Dave and his Randy Adventures (Career Ending Romance Spoof) (2 page)

Dave reached into his breeches and examined his balls. Wait! Where in the hell were his buttons? He was a fucking vampire for shit’s sake. He shoved his porksword to the side to get a better feel of his scrodie sac. Damn it, no buttons. What the hell?

“Don’t worry, a double knee to the hard-on button will cause the vamp’s wiener to shrink to the size of a midget sweet pickle. It takes six months and four days for it to grow back to size. Most humans don’t have this info, so consider yourself privileged.”

“Again, I like to state that you are an insult to my intelligence and if I could kill you without dying myself . . . I would do it in a heartbeat,” Righty informed Lefty.

Dave had never been so turned on in his life and he’d been around for six hundred years. He had to get those sex kittens out of the house before it fell down for real and they died. He was no necrophiliac.

With a mighty heave he busted down the door, scaring the crap out of the girls and causing an avalanche of plaster and stone to fall. He could barely see his new girlfriends, but he was blessed with super-sonic smelling abilities and sniffed his way across the room.

“Who in the hell is that?” Lefty screamed in a voice that made Pirate Dave wince.

“I have no clue,” Righty shrieked above the din, “but he’s hot in a hairy, gross, unclean way.”

“Come with me,” Dave yelled. “I will save you and we will have a three-some!”

“What did he say?” Lefty asked.

“He’s going to save us and his name is Liam Neeson.”

“The one with the big . . . ”

The mansion groaned and came apart at an alarming rate. The hot, large hootered babes screamed and reached for Dave.

“Hold on to each other,” he shouted. “This is going to be a bumpy ride.”

“Like we have any other choice,” Lefty muttered in disgust.

Dave had no clue what she meant because all of his blood had moved out of his brain and down to his painfully humongous flesh trombone. He needed to get his gals out of there and back to his cabin. Pronto.

Chapter Two

“What in the Sam Hill is that?” Calico Andy the Mind Reader asked, backing away from the women sprawled on the deck of the ship.

“Who is Sam Hill?” Hairy Sam whispered to Hook. Hook shrugged his shoulders and stared in shock at the abomination on the ground before him.

“Holy Sweet Mary Mother of Moses the Pope, Buddah, Jesus Jones and Steve. It’s alive!” Long Dong Silver screamed and dove overboard.

“Who in the hell gave Long Dong back his bible?” Pirate Dave groused, circling his new girlfriends in confusion. “I have expressly forbidden The Dong to read.”

“Um Captain,” Crooked Jim, pulled his knife and stepped toward the buxom gals. “There’s something mightily wrong with your girlfriends.”

“Sheath your weapon, assmunch. Do you think I’m blind? Of course I can see there’s a slight problem,” Pirate Dave shouted.

Crooked Jim quickly put his blade away, cutting off two fingers in his haste.

Pirate Dave continued to circle the women. Was this a trick? Hmmm, he saw two heads, four voluptuous badoinkees, two arms and two legs . . . He’d heard of this phenomenon before, but he’d never actually seen it. He idly wondered if there were two sets of lady bits beneath the skirts and petticoats . . .

“State you names,” Dave demanded. “Or name . . . ”

“Oh for God’s sake, haven’t any of you smelly bastards ever seen Siamese Twins?” the one on the right spat. “We’re conjoined, you assholes. Get used to it.”

The bitchiness of the one on the on the right made Dave’s Roger very jolly, but the quiet sweet one on the left was the one he really wanted. A buzzing in his breeches yanked him from his musings.

“Captain,” Captain Crunchy gasped, “your tallywacker is vibrating.”

“That’s not my meat-popsicle, you idiot! It’s my cell phone,” Pirate Dave huffed and pulled his phone from his pocket. He quickly scanned the screen. “ZEBU? What the fuck is a ZEBU?” Dave screamed and stomped his feet, throwing a shit-fit of epic proportions.

“What’s wrong with him?” one of the conjoined twins asked.

“Well, ladies . . . um lady or ladies,” Crooked Jim muttered, trying to be polite, but utterly confounded as to how to address the women.

“Oh for God’s sake, you dimwit, my name is Laverne and my lesser half is Shirley,” the mean sexy one on the right ground out between clenched teeth. “What in the hell is wrong with your captain and what is that thing?”

The crew backed away as Pirate Dave’s tantrum took a turn for psychotic. “That obese mother fucker Poseidon is cheating! Zebu can’t possibly be a word! That unscrupulous son-of-a-bitch is going on-line to some Scrabble site so he can beat me! What’s wrong with you?” Dave shouted to the Heavens. “Are you such a porcine dickwit that you have to resort to cheating to beat me?” he screamed. Dave continued to stomp around the ship spewing obscenities at the sky.

“Ahh, well, um . . . you see, Pirate Dave is a Time-Traveling Vampire Warlock who’s addicted to on-line Scrabble. He plays on his cell phone and apparently the God, Poseidon, is well, you know . . . ,” Crooked Jim tried to explain.

“Back up,” Laverne snapped. “What’s a cell phone?”

“Ohhhhh, if he’s a Vampire, does he have testicle buttons?” Shirley asked. The crew was struck silent at the visual Shirley created . . . Well, that and the simple fact that her voice was pitched to call all dogs within a three mile radius.

“Well?” Laverne demanded.

“Yes, of course,” Crooked Jim winced at her tone and prayed Shirley didn’t speak again. “A cell phone is a machine from the future used to talk to other people who also have cell phones.”

“They’re also good for taking pictures,” Hairy Sam added.

“And for trolling the internet for porn,” Calico Andy volunteered.

“The internet is a place of vast knowledge,” Hairy Sam explained. “Billy goats urinate on their own heads to smell more attractive to females.”

Laverne and Shirley were appalled. They slowly began to butt-scooch over to the ship’s rail, realizing Long Dong had the right idea by jumping overboard.

“I shall beat the bulbous bastard fair and square,” Pirate Dave grunted, punching a word into his phone. “Geed! Take that! Does anyone know what Geed means?”

“Um, no . . . but your well endowed new girlfriend . . . friends are trying to escape,” Crooked Jim pointed, using the remaining three fingers on his left hand.

“Halt!” Pirate Dave commanded. “I saved you from sure death and have chosen you to relieve my erectile dysfunction.”

The crew clapped wildly while the girls threw up a little bit in their mouths.

“Is that contagious?” Shirley whispered.

“Absolutely not,” Dave laughed uproariously. “If I were a naked fairy you might have a problem. Those sons-of-bitches get around and tend to be violent! I’ve had several run-ins with them in Detroit. Suffice it to say, I’ve been banned from ever setting foot in Michigan for the rest of my life.”

“I’m sorry, are you slow?” Laverne asked.

“What a tremendous sense of humor you have! Almost as large as your cantaloupes!” Dave chuckled, adjusting his chubby. “I am quick! I can fornicate in thirty-seven seconds flat. Of course I need to slap nasties four to twelve times a day or I’ll grow hair on my palms.”

“That’s gross,” Laverne hissed.

“That’s nothing,” Hook said. “You should have seen the time he lit his fart and got third degree burns on his ass and . . . ”

“Enough,” Pirate Dave bellowed. “I don’t want to overexcite my new concubines.”

“He is kind of hot,” Shirley whispered to Laverne.

“In a fucked up, moronic kind of way,” she agreed.

“The fact that you are connected is slightly repulsive to mine eyes, buy my man-tool seems to take no issue. Even though it is rumored that my pickle has a higher IQ than my brain, I have nonetheless hatched a plan!”

“Sweet Baby Jesus in a thong,” Calico Jim shrieked. “Everyone run for cover!” The crew screamed and ran in twenty three different directions, fearing Pirate Dave’s plan included him casting a spell. The last spell he cast left the crew with permanently tattooed eyeliner and lipstick.

“Silence! I shall use no magic. My plan involves time traveling to 1974!! Come my lovelies. Take my hands.”

“Oh, shit,” Shirley gasped.

“Double shit,” Laverne agreed.

Chapter Three

The sterile atmosphere and the odd looking people dressed in unfamiliar garb alarmed Laverne and Shirley. They held tightly to the idiot pirate that had transported them to this bizarre place. Where in the hell were they? Large silver boxes with buzzing sounds and flashing lights littered the room. Trays of scissors and small sharp knives were being arranged. The men and women wore all blue . . . loose breeches and shirts, small skull caps and matching mouth covers that seemed to hook onto their ears. Strange music that sounded like castrated men played from a box.

“Will you turn the BeeGee’s up?” one of the blue men asked.

“Sure thing, Ted,” another blue man answered coming to an abrupt halt when he noticed the odd trio. “Holy shit, who are you?”

“I am Pirate Dave, the Time-Traveling Vampire Warlock!” Dave shouted. “I have come to have my furburgers separated!”

“Okay, um . . . do you have an appointment?” blue man asked, backing away.

“What’s a furburger?” the one named Ted inquired.

“You idiot man! These are furburgers.” Dave pointed to Laverne and Shirley. “The finest furburgers you will ever have the pleasure of laying eyes on!”

“Good God, they’re conjoined!” one of the female blue people gasped.

Laverne rolled her eyes and went to punch the breeches-wearing blue gal, but Shirley’s refusal to move their other leg held her back.

“What is it that you want?” the one named Ted asked, moving slowly toward the big silver doors labeled John Hopkins Hospital.

“Is it not obvious?” Dave demanded. “I need them separated so I can poke them individually. Of course, I’m not opposed to a three-some, but it feels wrong when they’re glued together like this.”

“Impossible,” Ted said.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you correctly,” Dave said in a voice that made everyone’s hair in the entire room stand on end.

“I . . . um, said that would be impossible,” Ted whimpered.

“That’s what I thought you said.” Pirate Dave’s eyes narrowed dangerously and he raised his thick hairy hands in the air. A gust of pea green glitter burst from his fingertips. The doors bolted shut and all the blue people coughed like their lungs were coming up.

Pirate Dave did not stop there. Oh no . . . he kept going. Of course, Laverne and Shirley knew that Dave was an insane loose cannon when it came to magic so they threw themselves to the floor in horror. The blue people were not quite so lucky . . .

In what appeared to be an epileptic fit, Dave gyrated and undulated to an unknown and disturbing rhythm inside his mind.

“Cockmotherhumpershitpissbodoinkeewacker,” he screeched. The operating room shook violently and the glitter flew, covering everything in sight. Pirate Dave did several moves that vaguely resembled break dancing . . . the rest mimicked a grand mal seizure.

“Youwillseparatemyfurburgersyouwillseparatemyfurburgersyouwillseparatemyfurburgers!” he yelled at the blue people. In a stupefied daze they began to repeat his furburger mantra. Not only did they repeat, but the blue men miraculously grew breasts and the blue women grew mustaches.

“Well, shit, that wasn’t supposed to happen,” Dave muttered, looking at the now sexually ambiguous nurses and doctors in the operating room. “Whatever. Separate my geishas!!!”

And they did.

Kicking and screaming, Dave hoisted his loves to the operating table and strapped them down. In a glittery fog of Pirate Vampire Warlock magic the doctors de-conjoined the conjoined twins. It was a bloody mess and there were times Dave almost lost his erection. Very strange indeed, since his erectile dysfunction made a flaccid Johnson an impossibility.

When the deed was done, Dave was pissed.

“They look fucking weird,” he shouted and stomped his foot.

“Um . . . what exactly were you expecting?” Blue Ted asked.

“Look at them! They each have one arm and one leg and half an ass! How do you expect me to fornicate with that?” Dave demanded.

Blue Ted was speechless.

“Don’t you have any extra appendages laying around that you could sew on?”

“Well, no. That’s not something we keep on hand,” Blue Ted muttered, massaging his new breasts.

“Sweet Mother Mary in bootie shorts,” Dave laughed uproariously, frightening the shit out of everyone in the room. “I’m a warlock! I’ll just magic up some arms and legs and asses! What in the hell was I thinking?”

Everyone hit the deck as Dave went back into a sweaty profane chant.

“Wait!” Pirate Dave froze. “Are there two sets lady bits or just one? I would hate to mistakenly give my concubines a plethora of hootchies!”

Blue Ted peeked out from behind the heart monitor. “Two. There are two sets of female genitalia.”