P.J. Morse - Clancy Parker 02 - Exile on Slain Street (21 page)

I tried to grab Cookie’s arm, which was flying around everywhere. “Cookie, I think she got the message!”

Indeed she had. Lorleai was crying and blubbering something about how no one understood her, and that she was always trying so hard to do the right thing, blah, blah, blah. I didn’t see her as much of a victim in this scenario. Cookie was a good mom. I barely knew her, but I knew that from all her stories. She told me she set up her son with his grandma and his aunt while she was on the show, and she called him every night to make sure he did his homework and didn’t watch too much television. She said her nickname at the strip joint where she worked was “Soccer Mom.”

“C’mon, Cookie,” I said. “Your son will be proud you stood up for yourself.”

Cookie seemed to settle down, but the snarl stayed on her face. She let go of Lorelai’s hair, and she let Wolf carry her to the Hummer. But, as Wolf tried to carry her off, she threw her arms around my neck and whispered in my ear, “I barked up the wrong penis. I screwed up. He’s all yours. I’m so sorry.”

I could only assume she meant Patrick was mine. But what was that about screwing up? Did it refer to yelling at me? Or whaling on Lorelai? And what about Wolf stealing her underwear?

Hare sang out, “And another one bites the dust!”

“What?” I asked.

“She hit someone,” he said. “She’s gone. Toast.”

Haruko walked up to Lorelai and Patrick. At first, I thought she was going to ask if Lorelai was okay, but instead she said, “You didn’t have to bring up her son.”

Lorelai looked like she’d been slapped in the face. “But… I did the right thing.”

Haruko shook her head and looked at Greg. “I don’t want this team to win. Can you arrange that?”

“I don’t think it’s going to be that hard,” Greg said. He pulled out a cell phone, presumably to start talking to whoever was in charge at the other car wash site.

“For someone who keeps talking about how good she is, you’re really kind of an asshole,” I told Lorelai. “Now start washing cars.” I threw a sponge at her, and it struck her in the stomach. Then I picked up my sponge and bucket and took to the street with our sign.

I wasn’t there long. Greg told me to hang it up, and we returned to the van to pick up the other car-wash team.

The drive back was awkward and tense. Lorelai sat in the back, crying because it wasn’t clear if she was staying or leaving. She never threw a punch, but she started a fight, and that had to count for something.

I sat by myself. I was sick of everyone. I was also worried that Cookie was off somewhere alone with Wolf, who had been hoarding her thong and agitating for more screen time.

“Aw, look at Cookie’s stray crumb. Crumbs look so lonely,” Tina giggled.

“Would you shut up for once?” I asked.

“Bye-bye, Cookie and Lorelai! Two out in one day, people!” Topaz clapped her hands. “Only the strong survive!”

Andi held out her hand and counted up to three on her fingers. “Topaz, you mean three,” she said. “You forgot Dawn. It’s Cookie, Lorelai and Dawn.” Then Andi sighed. “I miss Dawn.”

“I haven’t been kicked out yet!” Lorelai yelled from the back of the van. “Besides, they can’t eliminate two at once: not this late in the game. They still need to shoot four more episodes. They’re going to have to give me a second chance.”

It made sense. And, if Lorelai were the other detective that Wolf hired, she wasn’t going anywhere. Maybe she provoked Cookie on purpose, to protect her cover. It wasn’t smart for Wolf to blab that there was a second detective. If he told me, there was no telling who else he told. Getting in a fight with Cookie certainly made her look more like one of us.

Then I had to remind myself that I wasn’t “one of us,” either.

Chapter Twenty-Four:
Ex-Boyfriend for Hire

T
hat night, we went through a charade of an elimination ceremony, in which Patrick dangled Lorelai on a string and made it seem like she would go, but he kept her after a long lecture about the dangers of taunting people. No one wound up leaving since Cookie had been ejected from the competition. Then Greg told us to prepare for the arrival of some old friends — probably ones who would reveal our darkest secrets.

Once five of us were left, I knew we were facing one of two choices: The ex show or the parents show. When Kevin first hired me, he asked me who to call for the last few episodes. He wanted a few options so he could pick someone reasonably telegenic.

I could have gone with several choices from my dating history, but I wanted to see someone I actually liked, so I suggested either Shane or Wayne, even if I hadn’t dated them. Both of them could use some free food, and they were laid back enough to go with whatever the producers suggested. After touring with those two, I knew enough about them to act like an ex. Now that Greg was in charge, I wondered which one he would choose.

The next morning, we were still waiting to find out if we would see parents or exes. Greg drafted Lorelai to give us our morning wake-up call. Ever the actress, she skipped from room to room. “Good morning! No special outfits today! All Patrick needs is your game face! Because the game is getting
serious
!”

“
Serious
!” I mocked, rolling out of bed. “So serious!”

We got dressed. The room felt so quiet without Cookie, but Andi snored loudly enough to fill some of the space. Then we lined up in the elimination zone, where Greg encouraged us to look excited.

“Okay, okay,” he said, “You’ve seen these shows, and you know what’s coming. But you don’t know if it’s your exes or your parents! So find a little surprise in that.” He began to hand out a can of Major Rager to each of us and told me, “Put the label toward the camera.”

Reluctantly, I twisted the can in Hare’s direction. Everyone else followed suit, except Andi, who was actually drinking hers. Lorelai was working on a range of surprised looks, opening her mouth all the way and then halfway, to see what would be just right.

“Don’t let your tongue hang out,” Hare advised her. “They always cut that out in editing.”

For the first time, I saw Tina smiling, in a genuinely happy way, not in a snarky way that resulted from watching another’s misfortune. Topaz looked stony faced and was tapping her toes hard against the floor. I couldn’t tell if it was from nervousness upon seeing an ex or a parent or if it was her usual annoyed condition.

“We might have to go through this a few times,” Greg warned us. “So, do what you can to look shocked each time!”

Patrick came down the stairs. He had a few index cards in his hand, so he could rattle off the names of each person who came through the front door. The cameras turned to him as he said, “I gotta admit, this is my favorite part of the whole season. I’ve been seeing a whole lot of your good sides, but not all of your bad sides. And — ” he looked at the index card quickly for a cue “ — I think these guys are going to deliver. Quite a crew we have coming through that door.”

Tina clapped. If I were going to see an ex, a real ex, and not Shane or Wayne, I wouldn’t be clapping. Lorelai kept her face still to deliver maximum surprise. Andi was preoccupied with drinking the last of her Major Rager, and Topaz was rolling her eyes.

“Topaz, are you ready to meet an old friend from the past?” Patrick asked.

Topaz sighed and stiffened her spine. “Bring it!”

“Here’s…” Patrick started laughing.

“Do we have to do that again?” Greg yelled from the side. “Jesus! Try harder!”

“This is funny!” Patrick snorted. He walked to the side and picked up an open can of Major Rager from a production assistant. He took several gulps.

“Oh, shit,” Topaz muttered, realizing who was going to walk through the front door. “What has that idiot done?”

Then Patrick walked back to the elimination zone. He made his face completely straight. “I’m ready,” he said.
A la
Ed McMahon, he declared, “Heeeere’s Kwame, aka MC Sizzler!”

“Sizzler?” I asked.

Topaz’s ex emerged. He was classic thug: all muscles and chains. His body reflected regular trips to the gym, and his face wasn’t half-bad either, but he insisted on appropriating the name of a chain restaurant. I tried not to laugh, and I saw Topaz fire a look at me. MC Sizzler stood beside her, gesticulating for no real purpose. He was wearing a T-shirt that declared his name, so we wouldn’t forget. He and Topaz just nodded at each other and made no physical contact.

Lorelai’s boyfriend came in next, and she delivered her carefully calibrated look of surprise. Her tongue did indeed stay in her mouth. Her boyfriend was also kind of cute, an athletic prepster. His name was Tad. He gave off the freshly scrubbed vibe of a Mormon missionary, and he seemed a little frightened while standing next to MC Sizzler.

Andi’s boyfriend walked in. He had a round, almost-pudgy face, but he was well over six feet and had thick arms. He smiled at all of us and then tore his shirt off, revealing two nipple rings and a chest full of tattoos, one of which said “DAN.”

“Meet Dan, everyone!” Patrick cheered. “Not that I really needed to tell you what his name was. He’s made it easy on us!”

Dan proceeded to whirl around the room. He ground his pelvis against Tina’s leg and made vaguely aggressive gestures toward MC Sizzler, who referred to him as “Chippendales trash.”

Dan approached me, and I kicked out my boot at him. Thinking better of getting close to me, he settled down by Andi, who pouted. “Why do you always have to steal all the attention?” she asked.

“Can I help it if I look so good?” he said, patting his washboard abs and straightening up his spiky hair.

I thought that Kevin must have plucked the guy out of Central Casting, but Dan seemed so taken with his own tanned body that he would have deserved an Oscar for Best Simulation of Narcissism.

And then Wayne came through the door, obviously stoned out of his mind. At least he remembered to trim his beard before he showed up. I thought they might have gone with Shane because he didn’t get quite as stoned as Wayne did, but they probably took one look at Wayne and knew they’d get some comic relief. He hugged me and said, “I’m scared, but Sizzler rocks!”

Then Tina shrieked.

I turned to see Tina’s ex-boyfriend, who was at least fifty. “Well, well…” I said.

“Now that guy’s a pimp! That’s what Sizzler says.” Wayne nodded toward the MC.

Sizzler nodded back and declared, “Straight-up pimp! Not diluted!”

Tina’s ex looked like the action star Steven Seagal, only without the ponytail and with a little extra weight. He was wearing an all-white suit that was more appropriate for Miami than Marin. Despite his resemblance to a pimp or the kind of guy who would run a gambling enterprise, Tina leapt upon him and wrapped her legs around his middle. I looked at Patrick. He seemed surprised, but certainly not as surprised as Greg, who looked as if he had been stabbed through the heart.

I could not wait to uncork my opinions about the exes, and I was thrilled when Greg pulled me and Wayne aside for a reaction interview. “So, take us through what just happened,” he said.

Before I had a chance to cut in, Wayne immediately responded, “That woman, Tina, just jumped her ex-boyfriend. And he looks like Steven Seagal. Awesome! And the Chippendales dancer, dude!”

Hare sighed heavily.

“What’s wrong with that, man? What’s the camera guy’s problem?” Wayne looked at me for guidance. “This TV thing is confusing.”

I patted him. “When they ask you to explain what just happened, they want you to re-tell the story, but you have to make it bigger and go step-by-step. Add all the details. The funnier, the better. Greg, am I right?”

Greg said, “You’re catching on.” He may have said this to me, but his eyes were on Tina, who was giving her ex a quick neck rub.

I heard Dan ask Andi, “Why don’t you do that for me?”

In the first time I ever heard Andi really, truly angry, she said, “Because you don’t deserve it.” Her ex just shrugged and started rubbing his abs, like he was buffing them to a shine.

“Watch and learn,” I told Wayne. I looked slightly away from the camera and at Greg. “You guys ready?” Tortoise and Hare swung into action. “So, Tina’s ex-boyfriend, who is old enough to be her father, comes into the room, and she squeals just like this: Squeee! And she jumps his bones and acts like a dog in heat. Absolutely no class!”

Hare said, “Pretty good. And your ex, we got some reaction shots from him that were golden.”

“I am good at looking surprised,” Wayne admitted.

Greg advised, “Look surprised whenever you can. The more shocked you are, the more TV time you’ll get.”

“You seem pretty shocked yourself,” I said to Greg.

Greg said, “Well, Tina kept saying she was here for Patrick. Maybe I’ll go talk to her now.” He led Hare over and got an interview from them about what they thought of the other women and their exes. Judging from the body language of Tina and her ex, the two of them were restraining themselves from making out.

Finally, Greg tore himself away. His face was all red. “It’s bowling alley time. Now! All the exes, to the bowling alley! I’m staying here with the women.” He started circling his arm in the air, and the rest of the crew swirled around him. Despite his emotional entanglement with Tina and his skinny stature, he reminded me of Kevin for the first time.

I hoped that didn’t mean Greg was next on the killer’s list.

Chapter Twenty-Five:
The Interrogation

O
nce Greg had rounded up all the guys for the trip to the bowling alley, I grabbed Wayne’s arm. “You behave yourself!”

He was already digging in his pockets for a joint. “10-4. You should win this thing. Patrick Price has been looking at your ass all morning. Want me to punch him? I can.”

“Hold that thought,” I told him. Then I hugged him and let him go.

Wayne touched my face and held it steady for a moment, like he was inspecting me. “Do you like him?”

“What? Noooo…”

“You’re blushing! Muriel thought so. She did, too!” He turned serious and unclipped his mic. He whispered, “Don’t let this make you all cloudy in the head. You have to keep him safe, now.”