Plastic Hearts (33 page)

With every kiss, I felt Dane’s lips. With every touch, I felt Dane’s hands. With every second that went by, I felt I was losing a little more of myself and soon there wouldn’t be anything left.

He placed one more kiss on my mouth before whispering, “Beautiful” against my lips and I instantly froze. I couldn’t do this, not now, not with him saying that to me. That was Dane’s word and suddenly I felt like I was being woken from a dream. “Stop! Please stop! I have to go! I can’t breathe.”

I didn’t open my eyes until I felt his body leave mine and even then it was more out of the necessity to find my clothes and get out of there. He looked mortified, standing by the bed completely naked. Hands wrapped around the back of his neck. “Jesus, what did I do?”

“I’m sorry. I just can’t.” I was full on crying at this point, trying to get dressed as sobs shook my body. I had been stupid to think I could just give this to someone who didn’t have my heart or at least to give it to someone when someone else still had my whole heart.

I whispered sorry to him again as I ran out the door, tears still streaming down my face. I should have stopped to tell Jade that I was leaving but I couldn’t. I needed to go. As I rounded the corner to the living area, I saw him. My heart fell out of my chest.

I froze. This was more than I could handle right now. I needed to get out of here and go somewhere to be alone. Just as I started to walk toward the door, his eyes went to my face then shot behind me. I looked back to see Mason standing there, looking completely lost. Before I could think or move, Dane was working his way over to me, his face so angry that I walked backward until I was pressed against the wall. I needed something to hold me up; my knees were weak and I wanted to be anywhere but here.

He stopped right in front of me, his face only inches from mine. I pinched my eyes closed; I couldn’t be this close to him. I wanted to kiss him and tell him everything would be fine, but I couldn’t do that anymore. He pointed his finger right at me, “It was Mason? You left me for Mason? From the look on your face right now, I would say things aren’t going so fucking well.” He walked toward Mason, punching the wall along the way. This was not going to be good. What have I done?

“Dane, stop!” I screamed, but it didn’t stop him. He didn’t even flinch. Dane stepped up to Mason and before Mason even knew what was coming, Dane punched him in the face. He immediately fell to the ground and Dane straddled him, continuing to hit him. I yelled for him to stop, but he didn’t. I was relieved when Tyler and another guy came and pulled them apart. I could hear Dane breathing from where I stood and when he looked back over to me, I flinched. This was all because of me; it was because of my actions and my lies.

“Dane, you need to leave. Do you want me to walk you home?” Tyler asked as he slowly loosened his grip on Dane’s arm.

“No,” Dane yelled at him before starting toward me yet again. He stopped and looked right into my eyes. “I hope he makes you happy.” And just like that he was gone, walking toward the door. I didn’t want him to think I left him for Mason or that I left him for anyone. This hurt me and I couldn’t imagine what it was doing to him.

I pushed my way through the crowd toward Dane. I saw him walk out the door and sped up to get to him before he left the building. He was almost to the end of the hallway. “Dane, stop!” I yelled as loud as I could through my tears. He stopped, but didn’t turn around to look at me. I walked closer to him until we were only a few feet apart. “I need to tell you something.” My voice and body shook uncontrollably.

He spun around to look at me, staring at me with his dark eyes. “I don’t want to hear what you have to say. Do you know what you did to me? You broke me, Alex. This fucking hurts, so fucking bad.”

Another tear rolled down my cheek. “I know. I’m so sorry, but I need you to know there is no one else. There was only you and there has only ever been you. I need you to know that.”

He let out a cynical laugh. “I just saw you come out of Mason Lander’s goddamn bedroom and you want me to believe this shit? You told me there was someone else. You said you didn’t love me.” His last few words made me flinch.

I couldn’t take it anymore. “Damn it, I didn’t leave you because I wanted to. I had to Dane. My parents would’ve ruined us both. I didn’t want to do it, believe me, if there was another way.” His eyes shifted slightly from anger to confusion. I grabbed the front of his t-shirt in an attempt to pull him closer. “I love you. I need you to know that.”

His body was tense, but he didn’t push me away. “Really? If you love me, what were you doing with Mason?”

“He was a mistake. A big mistake.” I tightened my hands around his shirt to pull him closer. I could feel his heartbeat against my fists.

“Did you..?” He was shaking and I knew what he was asking. That was something I had only given to him and he knew it.

“God, no. You still have me. All of me. I couldn’t.” He let out a huge breath before wrapping his arms around me.

He rested his forehead on mine, his eyes closed tight. “Come home with me then.”

“I can’t, Dane. I’m sorry. Some choices aren’t mine to be made.” As soon as the words left my mouth, his arms left me and he grabbed my wrists to free my hands from his shirt. I looked into his eyes and the pain I saw there was unlike anything I had ever seen or ever wanted to see in the eyes of another person, especially one I loved. I could feel myself melting and knew if I didn’t get out from under his hot stare soon, I would give him everything he needed and everything we both wanted. The tears rolled down my face as I whispered one more sorry and stepped forward to get closer to him.

All my plans and intentions ended when he raised a hand to stop me from coming any closer. “Don’t. Just go! And Alex, you always have a choice. You just made yours.” There are no words for how much I hurt hearing him say this. It was like breaking up for a second time. How did I get to this point? I turned and ran down the hall to the steps, not stopping until I was outside. I needed to get home. I was about to break and I wasn’t sure anyone would be able to put me back together. How could I have done this to the both of us…again.

The day I met Dane Wright, I fell hard into a bottomless pit. He was the only one who could help me out but now I was left with nobody to hear me scream.

I’ve always heard drug addicts need to hit rock bottom before they can get better. What happens to someone who hits rock bottom after breaking up with the love of their life? There was no rehab for a broken heart; it was up to me to make things better. The way I saw it, I had three choices – I could live a lonely life, I could find someone else or I could stop all this nonsense and be with Dane.

I couldn’t stomach being with anyone other than Dane. The thought of it made me sick. When I closed my eyes, I always saw Dane. I could still hear him telling me that I always have a choice and the feel of his hands on my body. No one else could make me feel the way he did and if my incident with Mason taught me anything, it was that I wasn’t ready. Dane couldn’t be replaced when he still owned me.

I lived alone before Dane and since I’d lost him, I’d been more miserable than I ever thought possible. There was a hole in my heart that only he could fill; it would be there forever. I always thought the concept of soul mates was cliché, but I believed it now. If I were to lay it out on paper, we wouldn’t seem like the ideal match, but he completed me. I could never regret the time I spent with him. He opened my eyes to so many new experiences. He taught me what love was and how to listen to my heart. I would always look back at the decision I made on the ride home from Greenwich and wish my heart had been louder than my head. Life was a series of lessons that lead you to future decisions. I will never make a decision like that again without listening to my heart. Everything I do affects everything I am; I see that now.

As much as I would like to run back into Dane’s arms, I couldn’t. I had done too much, caused too much hurt. I would be surprised if he could even look at me anymore. For the past few weeks, I couldn’t bare to even look at myself. I was slowly starting to forgive myself, but I was not in the position to ask him to do the same; he would always be the one who got away.

So where did that leave me? It was time to figure out who Alex was when all the noise was stripped away. For the first time in my life, I was going to guide my own life and follow my heart. Dane once told me I have to take all of life’s lessons and use them to create my own path; he was right. I didn’t realize it before all the air drained from my lungs but now it was time to catch my breath.

I started to attend all my classes again. I spent my afternoons in the Art Room, completing painting after painting until my heart didn’t feel so shallow anymore. They started out angry and dark, but had shifted over the past few days to something a little brighter. I was gaining more strength than I ever had in the past; control was a powerful, peaceful thing.

Spring break started yesterday. I hadn’t planned on going home, but I was on my way there now. There was something I needed to take care of; something I should have done a long time ago. My parents were leaving for their trip tomorrow and I couldn’t let them go without talking to them first. There were so many things I had left unsaid and they couldn’t remain that way if I was going to move forward. I finally knew what I needed to do.

My hands gripped the steering wheel tight as I pulled into the driveway. I knew this could very well be the last time I would ever be able to come here as a welcome guest. There was a time when the thought of not being welcome in my own house would have punched me in the stomach, but I knew now it wouldn’t be the worst pain I ever felt. Nothing could compare to the pain of losing Dane. Nothing.

I parked my car and stared at the front door for a few minutes. I stayed up half the night thinking of all the things I wanted to say. Nineteen years of memories lived in that house and most weren’t worth holding onto. I wanted the remaining moments of my life to be mine. I had too much life in front of me to shy away from change. It was time to lay it out there and move on.

I stepped out of the car and let my wobbly knees carry me forward. I heard Jade’s words from this morning in my head, “When you let your heart carry you through life, you’re never alone”, and it propelled me forward.

As soon as I closed the front door, I heard her heels on the marble. I took a deep cleansing breath and closed my eyes as I listened. Click. Click. Click. I used to tremble every time I heard that noise, but I wouldn’t allow that sound to affect me anymore. I wouldn’t let her dictate my life or my feelings. My mother has never been a listener. Of course, if I told her I was dating a Kennedy or a dashing young doctor, or that I had been accepted into Harvard medical school, her ears would perk up. If it wasn’t something she could repeat at the country club, she didn’t want to hear it. Today that was all going to change; she was going to listen to my pain.

Her face showed shock as she came into view. “Alexandra, what are you doing here? I didn’t think you were coming home.”

“I just stopped by to talk to you and Dad for a minute. Is he home?” I kept my eyes on her and my voice held steady to my own surprise. My nerves were off the charts, but I wasn’t going to let her see that.

She eyed me up and down. I never asked to speak to them. I avoided it. “He’s in his study. Follow me,” she said in her usual cold, detached voice. I propelled myself forward, taking many deep breaths as we walked down the hall. Click. Click. Click.

I replayed everything in my mind one more time so I wouldn’t lose my nerve to continue. The study was a reminder of why I was here. It angered me to be in here as everything from the last time played in my mind again. It gave me the push I needed.

I didn’t waste any time. “I came here to tell you I’m changing my major to Art after this semester. I don’t want to be a doctor and I’m done pretending.” I looked over at my mother whose mouth hung wide open. She quickly composed herself and looked at my father who had actually looked up from the paper. His eyes seared into me, but I didn’t look away. I wasn’t backing down this time.