Plays Unpleasant (14 page)

LICKCHEESE
[
in the study
] You just wait five minutes: I'll fetch him. [
Blanche snatches a piece of work from her basket, and sits erect and quiet, stitching at it. Lickcheese comes back, speaking to Sartorius, who follows him
]. He lodges round the corner in Gower Street; and my private ansom's at the door. By your leave, Miss Blanche [
pulling gently at his overcoat
].

BLANCHE
[
rising
] I beg your pardon. I hope I havnt crushed it.

LICKCHEESE
[
gallantly, as he gets into the coat
] Youre welcome to crush it again now, Miss Blanche. Dont say good evenin to me, miss: I'm comin back presently: me and a friend or two. Ta ta, Sartorius: I shant be long. [
He goes out
].

Sartorius looks about for the bluebook
.

BLANCHE
. I thought we were done with Lickcheese.

SARTORIUS
. Not quite yet, I think. He left a book here for me to look over: a large book in a blue paper cover. Has the girl put it away? [
He sees it in the fender; looks at Blanche; and adds
] Have you seen it?

BLANCHE
. No. Yes. [
Angrily
] No: I have not seen it. What have I to do with it?

Sartorius picks the book up and dusts it; then sits down quietly to read. After a glance up and down the columns, he nods assentingly, as if he found there exactly what he expected
.

SARTORIUS
. It's a curious thing, Blanche, that the Parliamentary gentlemen who write such books as these should be so ignorant of practical business. One would suppose, to read this, that we are the most grasping, grinding heartless pair in the world, you and I.

BLANCHE
. Is it not true? About the state of the houses, I mean?

SARTORIUS
[
calmly
] Oh, quite true.

BLANCHE
. Then it is not our fault?

SARTORIUS
. My dear: if we made the houses any better, the rents would have to be raised so much that the poor people would be unable to pay, and would be thrown homeless on the streets.

BLANCHE
. Well, turn them out and get in a respectable class of people. Why should we have the disgrace of harboring such wretches?

SARTORIUS
[
opening his eyes
] That sounds a little hard on them, doesnt it, my child?

BLANCHE
. Oh, I hate the poor. At least, I hate those dirty, drunken, disreputable people who live like pigs. If they must be provided for, let other people look after them. How can you expect any one to think well of us when such things are written about us in that infamous book?

SARTORIUS
[
coldly and a little wistfully
] I see I have made a real lady of you, Blanche.

BLANCHE
[
defiantly
] Well? Are you sorry for that?

SARTORIUS
. No, my dear: of course not. But do you know, Blanche, that my mother was a very poor woman, and that her poverty was not her fault?

BLANCHE
. I suppose not; but the people we want to mix with now dont know that. And it was not my fault; so I dont see why I should be made to suffer for it.

SARTORIUS
[
enraged
] Who makes you suffer for it, miss? What would you be now but for what your grandmother did for me when she stood at her wash-tub for thirteen hours a day and thought herself rich when she made fifteen shillings a week?

BLANCHE
[
angrily
] I suppose I should have been down on her level instead of being raised above it, as I am now. Would you like us to go and live in that place in the book for the sake of grandmamma? I hate the idea of such
things. I dont want to know about them. I love you because you brought me up to something better. [
Half aside, as she turns away from him
] I should hate you if you had not.

SARTORIUS
[
giving in
] Well, my child, I suppose it is natural for you to feel that way, after your bringing up. It is the ladylike view of the matter. So dont let us quarrel, my girl. You shall not be made to suffer any more. I have made up my mind to improve the property, and get in quite a new class of tenants. There! does that satisfy you? I am only waiting for the consent of the ground landlord, Lady Roxdale.

BLANCHE
. Lady Roxdale!

SARTORIUS
. Yes. But I shall expect the mortgagee to take his share of the risk.

BLANCHE
. The mortgagee! Do you mean – [
She cannot finish the sentence: Sartorius does it for her
].

SARTORIUS
. Harry Trench. Yes. And remember, Blanche: if he consents to join me in the scheme, I shall have to be friends with him.

BLANCHE
. And to ask him to the house?

SARTORIUS
. Only on business. You need not meet him unless you like.

BLANCHE
[
overwhelmed
] When is he coming?

SARTORIUS
. There is no time to be lost. Lickcheese has gone to ask him to come round.

BLANCHE
[
in dismay
] Then he will be here in a few minutes! What shall I do?

SARTORIUS
. I advise you to receive him as if nothing had happened, and then go out and leave us to our business. You are not afraid to meet him?

BLANCHE
. Afraid! No: most certainly not. But –

LICKCHEESE'S VOICE
[
without
] Straight in front of you, doctor. You never bin here before; but I know the house better than my own.

BLANCHE
. Here they are. Dont say I'm here, papa. [
She rushes away into the study
].

Lickcheese comes in with Trench and Cokane. Both are in evening dress. Cokane shakes hands effusively with Sartorius. Trench who is coarsened and sullen, and has evidently not been making the best of his disappointment, bows shortly and resentfully. Lickcheese covers the general embarrassment by talking cheerfully until they are all seated round the large table: Trench nearest the fireplace; Cokane nearest the piano; and the other two between them, with Lickcheese next Cokane
].

LICKCHEESE
. Here we are, all friends round St Paul's. You remember Mr Cokane? he does a little business for me now as a friend, and gives me a help with my correspondence: sekketerry we call it. Ive no litery style, and thats the truth; so Mr Cokane kindly puts it into my letters and draft prospectuses and advertisements and the like. Dont you, Cokane? Of course you do: why shouldnt you? He's been helping me to pursuade his old friend, Dr Trench, about the matter we were speaking of.

COKANE
[
austerely
] No, Mr Lickcheese, not trying to persuade him. No: this is a matter of principle with me. I say it is your duty, Henry – your duty – to put those abominable buildings into proper and habitable repair. As a man of science you owe it to the community to perfect the sanitary arrangements. In questions of duty there is no room for persuasion, even from the oldest friend.

SARTORIUS
[to
Trench
] I certainly feel, as Mr Cokane puts it, that it is our duty: one which I have perhaps too long neglected out of regard for the poorest class of tenants.

LICKCHEESE
. Not a doubt of it, gents: a dooty. I can be as sharp as any man when it's a question of business; but dooty's another pair o' shoes.

TRENCH
. Well, I dont see that it's any more my duty now than it was four months ago. I look at it simply as a question of so much money.

COKANE
. Shame, Harry, shame! Shame!

TRENCH
. Oh, shut up, you fool. [
Cokane springs up
].

LICKCHEESE
[
catching his coat and holding him
] Steady! steady!
Mr Sekketerry. Dr Trench is only joking.

COKANE
. I insist on the withdrawal of that expression. I have been called a fool.

TRENCH
[
morosely
] So you are a fool.

COKANE
. Then you are a damned fool. Now, sir!

TRENCH
. All right. Now weve settled that. [
Cokane, with a snort, sits down
]. What I mean is this. Dont lets have any nonsense about this job. As I understand it, Robbins's Row is to be pulled down to make way for the new street into the Strand; and the straight tip now is to go for compensation.

LICKCHEESE
[
chuckling
] That'so, Dr Trench. Thats it.

TRENCH
[
continuing
] Well, it appears that the dirtier a place is the more rent you get; and the decenter it is, the more compensation you get. So we're to give up dirt and go in for decency.

SARTORIUS
. I should not put it exactly in that way; but –

COKANE
. Quite right, Mr Sartorius, quite right. The case could not have been stated in worse taste or with less tact.

LICKCHEESE
. Sh-sh-sh-sh!

SARTORIUS
. I do not quite go with you there, Mr Cokane. Dr Trench puts the case frankly as a man of business. I take the wider view of a public man. We live in a progressive age; and humanitarian ideas are advancing and must be taken into account. But my practical conclusion is the same as his. I should hardly feel justified in making a large claim for compensation under existing circumstances.

LICKCHEESE
. Of course not; and you wouldnt get it if you did. You see, it's like this, Dr Trench. Theres no doubt that the Vestries has legal powers to play old Harry with slum properties, and spoil the houseknacking game if they please. That didnt matter in the good old times, because the Vestries used to be us ourselves. Nobody ever knew a word about the election; and we used to get ten of us into a room and elect one another, and do what we liked. Well,
that cock wont fight any longer; and, to put it short, the game is up for men in the position of you and Mr Sar-torius. My advice to you is, take the present chance of getting out of it. Spend a little money on the block at the Cribbs Market end: enough to make it look like a model dwelling, you know; and let the other block to me on fair terms for a depot of the North Thames Iced Mutton Company. Theyll be knocked down inside of two years to make room for the new north and south main thoroughfare; and youll be compensated to the tune of double the present valuation, with the cost of the improvements thrown in. Leave things as they are; and you stand a good chance of being fined, or condemned, or pulled down before long. Now's your time.

COKANE
. Hear, hear! Hear, hear! Hear, hear! Admirably put from the business point of view! I recognize the use-lessness of putting the moral point of view to you, Trench; but even you must feel the cogency of Mr Lickcheese's business statement.

TRENCH
. But why cant you act without me? What have I got to do with it? I'm only a mortgagee.

SARTORIUS
. There is a certain risk in this compensation investment, Dr Trench. The County Council may alter the line of the new street. If that happens, the money spent in improving the houses will be thrown away: simply thrown away. Worse than thrown away, in fact; for the new buildings may stand unlet or half let for years. But you will expect your seven per cent as usual.

TRENCH
. A man must live.

COKANE
. Je n'en vois pas la nécessité.

TRENCH
. Shut up, Billy; or else speak some language you understand. No, Mr Sartorius: I should be very glad to stand in with you if I could afford it; but I cant; so you may leave me out of it.

LICKCHEESE
. Well, all I can say is that youre a very foolish young man.

COKANE
. What did I tell you, Harry?

TRENCH
. I dont see that it's any business of yours, Mr Lickcheese.

LICKCHEESE
. It's a free country: every man has a right to his opinion.

COKANE
. Hear, hear!

LICKCHEESE
. Come! wheres your feelins for them poor people, Dr Trench? Remember how it went to your heart when I first told you about them. What! are you going to turn hard?

TRENCH
. No: it wont do: you cant get over me that way. You proved to me before that there was no use in being sentimental over that slum shop of ours; and it's no good your turning round on the philanthropic tack now that you want me to put my capital into your speculation. Ive had my lesson; and I'm going to stick to my present income. It's little enough for me as it is.

SARTORIUS
. It really matters nothing to me, Dr Trench, how you decide. I can easily raise the money elsewhere and pay you off. Then since you are resolved to run no risks, you can invest your ten thousand pounds in Consols and get two hundred and fifty pounds a year for it instead of seven hundred.

Trench, completely outwitted, stares at them in consternation. Cokane breaks the silence
.

COKANE
. This is what comes of being avaricious, Harry. Two thirds of your income gone at one blow. And I must say it serves you right.

TRENCH
. Thats all very fine; but I dont understand it. If you can do this to me, why didnt you do it long ago?

SARTORIUS
. Because, as I should probably have had to borrow at the same rate, I should have saved nothing; whereas you would have lost over four hundred a year: a very serious matter for you. I had no desire to be unfriendly; and even now I should be glad to let the mortgage stand, were it not that the circumstances mentioned
by Mr Lickcheese force my hand. Besides, Dr Trench, I hoped for some time that our interests might be joined by closer ties than those of friendship.