Pleasurably Undone! (4 page)

T
om smiled through clenched teeth as he climbed the steps to his final destination. The pain in his leg had not been so very bad as he had gone about the tortuous process of applying for the special license. But he did not wish to show weakness before the Earl of Stanton at the Home Office. He tried not to lean too heavily on his cane as he spoke to the clerk in the front room, and politely insisted that he had served under the earl when he had been simple Captain St John Radwell. Surely, a brief visit from an old comrade would not be unwelcome.

He heard a bark of affirmation from the door behind him, and words of welcome. But when he turned to face his old superior, the look in the man’s eyes was wary. It seemed, after the disaster that had befallen his last captain, Tom would have to prove himself again to this one.

Stanton reached out and grasped his hand, pulling him into the office, but did not bother to shut the door behind him. “What brings you here, Tom? Are you doing well since your return? How is the leg, man?”

He shifted his weight to prove its strength. “As well as can be expected. It will never be right. But slowly, it improves. But
other things?” He could not help the grin that spread on his face. “I suppose they are both very good, and most difficult.”

“How so?”

“I have it in my mind to marry.”

The earl looked startled quite beyond what he’d expected. “Marry? I had not heard…”

“That is because the decision is sudden. Fast as lightning, some might think.”

“Do I…know the woman involved?”

The question stopped him. Perhaps Victoria’s fears were justified. “I do not see why you should. She is the widow of a friend of mine. I hesitate to mention the name until the announcement is made. It is as sudden for her as it is for me. If she has people, they should hear of it before I go trumpeting my good fortune about the town, tempting though it may be to brag.”

Stanton nodded, although there was strange hesitation in his reply. “That is probably wise. If there is a reason to cry off, it will save embarrassment.”

And how little confidence in him did such a strange comment betray? “I am not worried on that account. We are in total agreement.”

“But you spoke of a difficulty?”

“Simply that I had not thought to marry so soon. While I can manage to provide for her, it will not be as easy as I might like. I seek employment. I wondered if perhaps there might be some use you could find for a man who has already proven his loyalty to the crown.”

And just as he feared it might, a shadow flickered behind the other man’s eyes. He must have heard the rumors. Tom had no wish to deny the charges before they were spoken. When half a company died around a man, there were bound to be those who thought him responsible, through negligence or connivance.

Stanton shook his head. “I am sorry, Tom. But I have nothing to offer you. I will keep you in mind, of course. And if the occasion arises, I will be in touch. Leave your direction with my man. But now, there is simply no need of another body.”

Tom nodded, and tried to keep the bitterness from his voice. “I understand. Better than you think, perhaps. What you believe about me is not true. If I can find a way to prove it to you, I shall. And then, God help whoever has put these foul rumors in your head. I shall see they pay for their lies.”

The earl shook his head. “Then God help you, Tom. For I cannot. Good day to you.”

With that dismissal, Tom exited the office, back stiff with shame and the pain of fruitless exertion. Stanton shut the door behind him with a snap. And as he proceeded to the outer room, the little man who had tried to prevent his entrance now moved to block his exit. Tom raised his head to look and the clerk gestured to him, with a barest crook of the finger. “You seek employment?”

Tom nodded.

“And he turned you away, did he not?”

Tom nodded again.

The clerk gave a grim smile and whispered, “There is work enough here, should he choose to take you on. But he does not trust you. It is a shame. But I know of someone who is seeking men with knowledge that they would share. And although you are not as valuable as you might be, if you could return quietly to this office while still in his service, there are some tasks that would suit your abilities.”

“Might suit me?” Tom said, a little dumbly.

“I heard, just now, that you wished to take back some of your own against those who have put you in this unenviable position. You are crippled for doing what you thought was
right. And now you have been discarded by those in whom you put your trust. I offer you the opportunity for revenge.” The man smiled. “And profit as well.” He scribbled a few words on paper and pushed them hurriedly into Tom’s hand just as the door to the earl’s office opened again. Stanton looked at him with only the mildest curiosity, and turned his attention to the clerk.

While they were both distracted, Tom slipped quietly from the room.

Victoria sat in the little chair by the fire, awaiting her lover’s return. Tom’s manservant would not leave her alone, since he’d caught her going through the drawers of the little desk in the front room. He’d enquired if there was anything he might get for her. And asked again if she wished to send for her possessions.

She’d shaken her head, smiled and assured him that there was nothing she needed. And still, he watched her with sharp, dark eyes that said his master might be easily gulled by his feelings for a beautiful woman, but the servant was nobody’s fool.

She had wanted pen and ink to write to Stanton, and enough privacy to do it unobserved. With the servant hovering behind her, how would that be possible? And she could still find no way to explain the comfortable life she had been leading just a few short miles across town.

The more she had seen of Tom’s civilian life the more guilty she felt for suspecting him. He lived simply, just short of poverty. If he had turned coat for the French, then they would have rewarded him in some way. There was no sign of the zealot in him that might make her think he’d done it out of loyalty to Boney.

And now that she had seen the scars on his body, she could
not convince herself that he had staged a minor injury to disguise his perfidy. What kind of fool would come near to sacrificing his leg just to throw the hounds from his trail? It had rendered him unfit for duty, and for many forms of employment.

She had wanted to believe him innocent last night, as he’d held her and slept. But in the morning she had viewed the problem from all angles, lest her judgment had been swayed by sweet words and soft touches. As she weighed the bits of evidence against each other, no matter how she looked at it, it appeared that she had been wrong.

If only she could have come to the conclusion a few hours sooner, she might have slipped away from him last night, and avoided the painful admission she might have to make today.

But she had not left because she had not wanted to, just as he had not stopped himself in the brothel. When he learned the truth he would turn her out, and she would be well punished for her playacting and foolish suspicions, because she would never again feel as she did when he held her in his arms.

As she worried on it, Tom burst in through the door of his room, tossing his hat and gloves aside, but keeping his stick as he dropped into the chair beside hers. “Toby,” he called to his servant, “paper and ink. Immediately. Sharpen a pen, and bring the writing table closer to the fire for me. Then, prepare yourself to deliver a message to the home of the Earl of Stanton. You are not to leave until you see the man. Put the paper I give you into his hands and no other’s. He will hear me out on this, damn him, if he cares for his country.”

“Tom, what are you about? What has happened?” The mention of the earl made her mouth go dry. But Tom seemed more elated than angry. Proof that whatever he had learned it was not the whole truth.

He flexed his bad leg and sighed. “It has been a most
curious day. I procured the license, or at least set things in motion to make the damned thing procurable. And then, I went to visit an old friend in the Home Office. The Earl of Stanton was my captain, before your husband. If we are to make a go of it, I cannot lay about here, mooning over the past. I need employment.” He was grinning at her as though he thought it the most wonderful thing in the world to toil for her, and she could feel her heart breaking a little.

He shook his head. “But he would not have me. It seems I am not trusted. There were rumors, you know, after the incident. Some thought me a coward, and others a traitor for my damned luck on that day.”

She cringed at his casual mention of the very thing that had preyed on her mind. “Perhaps the people who doubted did not know you as I do now.” And she would find a way to make it right, now that she had seen the truth.

He smiled and gave another shake of his head, this time in amazement. “No matter. Today, I think it has all happened for a reason. Stanton’s secretary was quick to take note of the cold reception, and made me a most unusual offer. I think he hoped that there was some bit of information that I might wish to sell, or that the enemy had some use for a desperate and angry man.”

“No.” She almost moaned the word. It would be a sad thing if her presence had made him the very traitor she hoped to catch.

He placed a hand on hers. “Do not worry. I am not tempted. But I kept mum about the fact. And now, it seems I have information that would be most valuable to Stanton, and he will be forced to apologize for turning me out.” His eyes narrowed. “As if I would turn so easily to help the lot that gave me this gamey leg.” His hand tightened on hers, as though he could shield her from the pain of the past. “I know we are barely met. And this all must seem most curious to you. But if asked,
I will spy for Stanton and meet with these men to divine their purpose. Perhaps I can lead them to reveal others. If I can deliver them into the very hands of those they seek to betray, it will be most satisfying. I will lie if I must, and appear to be a rogue and traitor. But you must believe that I am as true to my country as I will be to you.” He brushed the hair out of her eyes. “I will make an excellent spy, since it is so easy for most to believe wrong of me.”

“Don’t.” The proof of his innocence hurt almost as much as the fear of his guilt.

He was holding her hand almost painfully tight, as though he feared she would leave. “If we are to be together, you will hear what people say of me. But know that it is all lies. For you, I have nothing but truth. If there was any sin I was guilty of, in all the time on the Peninsula, it was of envy. For Charles told me of you, and I…” He took a breath. “I loved you long before I met you. But I never meant to act on it. At that time, I thought I had a future of my own, even if it was not so bright as his. I would never have hurt him, for doing so would hurt you. And I never could. Not in all the world.”

So his last secret was that he loved her better than she knew. And he did not want her to think him dishonorable, should he resort to spying. She could feel the tears welling up behind her eyes. For how was what he was planning any different than what she had done to him?

Other than that she had been wrong.

“What is it?” The concern for her was echoed in his eyes, his voice and every line of his body, as though he strained from his very soul to put her at ease. It only made her betrayal of him worse. She could feel the sob breaking, and was powerless to stop it.

His arms were around her. “There, there. I have upset you.”

“No. It is I who was false to you. You will hate me when you know.”

He stroked her hair, letting her cry. “What could you ever do that would make me love you less?”

“The rumors about your disloyalty came from me. I went to the Earl of Stanton. It was I who put the doubts about you into his head. I hoped that I could trick you with my body into revealing the truth.”

There was a horrible pause before he spoke. He went still and his face became blank. “And so you have. After less than a day, there is not a secret left in me that you do not know.”

“I hate myself for what I have done.”

“For giving yourself to me?” His hand moved ever so slightly on her.

“No. That was…” What good did it do to lie and protect the feelings of the dead, when it would further wrong the man who held her? “Perfect. When we are alone? It is unlike anything I have known and I do not regret a moment. But I wronged you with my words, and I lied to you, even after I knew I had been mistaken about your guilt.”

“You never needed my help. Not even from the first?” He gave an incredulous laugh.

“I was in the brothel only to trap you. I would never…I do not need money, or the protection of any man. I could have lived out my days alone in comfort. But I had to know.…”

“And now you do.” His back stiffened, but he did not release her. “Charles was right. Your loyalty to him knew no bounds. Not even those of propriety, if you were willing to lie with me just to prove my guilt.”

She opened her eyes and looked up into his. “All I found was that you were a better man, and more honest and noble than I could possibly imagine.”

“And now, I am vindicated?” He said it as though it were a small comfort. “And when you accepted my offer of marriage?” There was no rancor in his voice, only a gentle prodding to get to the truth.

“I knew in my heart that it would all end once you realized what I had done. But I could not manage to say no.”

He released her and leaned back in his chair, rubbing his hand over his eyes as though befuddled by her answer. “If I had behaved as a man of honor when we met, we would not be in this muddle. I should have walked from the room as soon as I suspected the truth of your identity. But I wanted you, even when I thought you would sell your body to any who would have it. I thought you a common whore, who would leave as soon as she saw how little I had to offer. But I could not let you go.”

“You offered yourself. And it was more than I deserved.”

“And what you did to me was done out of loyalty to your country, and to your husband. What sense would there be to punish you for believing what everyone else thought true?” He sighed again.