Pleasure Extraordinaire 2 (PURSUIT) (22 page)

Sliding my hand around her waist, I pull her closer to me. My hand spans across a
little above the small of her back. My heart is racing with desire and the thrill
of being so close to her, and I work on breathing slowly to keep the storm brewing
inside me to myself. My fingers draw circles across the thin fabric of her dress that
leaves nothing to imagination about the smoothness of her skin underneath. Will I
ever get to run my hands across her beautiful body without the interference of a dress?

She takes extra care not to let her chest touch mine. What wouldn’t I give for that
touch? I let my eyes trail down her body. Her breasts look larger under the dress,
likely because she’s wearing a padded bra. I prefer the lacy ones that do nothing
to hide her nipples when they harden. I bet they’re stiff now beneath the bra, just
as the rest of her body is. With her soft hand in mine, I inhale her sweet smell again
and watch her expression as the tune begins.

A smile flickers across her plump lips, making me suck in a sharp breath. Her smiles
are so few and far between, I can’t help but feel triumphant for lightening her mood,
even for a little bit.

Bending her head down, she looks up at me through her long lashes. “Did you pick this
song?”

I don’t answer her. What’s the point of saying ‘yes’ when the answer is crystal clear?
I gently draw her closer and begin to sway with her to the music. She tenses more,
even tries to pull back, but my grip is tight.

When she finally relaxes, I start whispering the lyrics to her ear. I’ll be damned.
She picks up the song where I stop and continues singing the lines softly, almost
inaudibly. Why the sudden change of heart? I try to look into her eyes but she’s hanging
her head, maybe to hide her emotions from me. Her voice is soft like velvet, soothing
and warm. Like Christmas to my ears.

At one point in the middle of the song, her voice cracks, her body begins shaking,
and all I can hear are her silent sobs. I lead her in a circle, until I face the stage
so her face is blocked by my torso from the audience, and slide a finger under her
chin to tilt her face up. Her eyes are clouded with tears and unfocused with deep
thoughts, as though a private piece of memory is playing in her head.

Suddenly, it all comes crashing down to me. Who am I kidding? I am the one who doesn’t
stand a chance. I can’t even beat a dead man in his grave. It’s true what everyone
has been saying all these years. What she has been saying. Her coldness, the way she
always tries to keep her distance, her constant refusals of my dinner invitations
aren’t because she’s close-minded or afraid to give love another try. It’s because
she can’t. I can continue this foolish game and run after her for years to come, yet
it won’t change the fact. The simple, plain, but hurtful fact that her heart belongs
with Jack, my best friend for life. She can never love me the way she loves him. She’ll
never be mine like she’s given herself to him.

Oh, god. Why did I fall in love with the one woman I can never have? What did I do
to deserve such an excruciating pain?

It’s all too much to bear. Her shaking body, her tears, the pain in her face. I want
to shed tears with her, share her pain, and sooth mine, too, as if it were remotely
possible.

How I wish to be able to let her go and find another woman who can mend my heart and
make it beat again. Does such a woman exist? Even Pat, my first love, couldn’t make
me forget about Taylor. Actually I’m at the point where I don’t care about falling
in love again. I’d settle for a woman who could at least get Taylor off my mind.

I’d give everything for such a woman. Everything.

“I think that’s enough for tonight,” Taylor says between her sobs, pulling me back
to reality. The reality where not loving her is not an option, but loving her is a
cross I have to carry along for the rest of my life. The reality where I can’t take
my mind off of her even for a minute, let alone forgetting her completely.

“Please, stay with me until the song ends. I need this,” I beg.

She stares at me with those big, blue eyes glistening with tears and blinks her acceptance.
I pull her close to me one last time, my eyes glued onto hers, lost in the impossible
dream of one day, maybe... Who knows?

Can I go on like this? Loving her while she swears a life-long commitment to a dead
man?

She looks as though she’ll collapse onto the floor any second. When the song ends,
I walk her out to the restroom and then go back to the party. Fortunately, the dance
floor is now full of people dancing and chattering the evening away. I don’t want
to sit and deal with the colleagues, but I can handle one. So, I slowly step toward
Valerie and hold my hand out to beckon her for a dance. She wipes off her mouth with
her napkin and slides her hand into mine.

It’s not the same with Valerie, although every time she’s around me she brings out
her sweet side, rather than the usual cold treatment she gives to everyone else. She’s
smart, witty, and pretty. Well, would be pretty if she tosses away those black specs
and eases on the eye makeup.

I don’t wrap my hand around her waist, just place it a little above her hip, and keep
a clear distance between us.

“Did she start crying?” Valerie asks, taking me off-guard.

I nod apologetically.

“Of course she did. I’ve got you under my skin was the opening song of her wedding
reception. The first song she and Jack danced to as a married couple.”

“Really?” I try to remember but I can’t. I was drunk for most of their wedding day,
anyway. “How do you know? Were you at the wedding? I thought you and Taylor have known
each other for only one and half years.

“No, I wasn’t at her wedding. I’ve known her for two year and three months. She once
showed me the video recordings of the ceremony. The two made an eye-catching couple,
not to mention how deeply in love they looked.”

I nod again, wondering where she’s heading at with this.

“So, what’s your deal?” Valerie asks.

“What do you mean?” She’s got me totally confused.

“Do you love Taylor?”

How dare she? I look at the couples dancing close to us to make sure they didn’t hear
Valerie’s outrages question. “It’s none of your business.”

“It wouldn’t be if you weren’t hurting her. She’s my friend. As much as I wish her
to move on and get another man, your persistent advances are just pushing her back
to where she was when she lost Jack. You don’t let her breathe. You’re around all
the time, constantly demanding love and affection when she cannot even provide those
feelings for herself.”

With her lips pursed into a tight line and her scowl leveled at me, I can see how
utterly she’s pissed off. Can she be right? Am I the reason why Taylor is still struggling?
“I... I had no idea.”

“You need to give her some space. You’ve been with her since the day after the funeral.
It’s too much. Don’t you see you’re drowning her? She doesn’t need someone like you;
a constant reminder of her dead husband. Why don’t you take a couple of months off
from work? She’ll have room to breathe, and you’ll get an opportunity to think things
through. You know what they say, ‘Out of sight out of mind.’”

“I don’t know.” I wish she’d shown me the cold treatment rather than this irritating
talk. I don’t want to go away and leave Taylor alone. Even if she may not love me
back, she is my best friend’s wife. Well, she was. So, her well-being is my responsibility.
I can’t just turn my back on her.

“I’ll be here for her,” she adds as if she read my mind. “I had a sister who died
in a traffic accident when she was seven. She’d be Taylor’s age had she lived. Since
the day I met Taylor, I see her like my little sister. In spite of the turmoil she’s
going through, she’s a very caring and understanding person. I truly want her to be
happy, again. But, she can’t get there as long as you’re around. And, don’t worry
about the company and the projects. Your help has been incredible, but the business
is pretty standard from this point on.”

At last the song finishes, and so does the torturous talk of Valerie. I thank her
for the dance, without commenting on her absurd ideas, and walk her back to the table.

So what, she knows Taylor for two years and three fucking months. I knew Jack for
the majority of my life. I won’t leave his wife alone during the hardest times of
her life.

I snap up a glass of champagne and toss it back. I wasn’t going to drink more than
a glass, but Valerie’s preaching didn’t leave me another option.

Taylor appears at the door; her eyes and cheeks are blood red. She was even smiling
before I asked her for dance. But now, it’s like Jack’s funeral all over again.

Shit? Is Valerie right? Am I drowning Taylor? She paces in front of me, without looking
up at me, and goes to her table. I watch her idly as she murmurs something to Valerie
and picks up her purse and scarf. Fuck, no! Is she leaving so early? It’s because
of the song. The song I’ve chosen for our first dance.

Even a blind man can see it. I’m drowning her.

She waves goodbye at Valerie and Bree and strides back toward the door. I want to
go down on my knees and ask for forgiveness until I see her smile again. I’ll even
promise to let her go if that’s what she needs to be happy again.

I run after her through the hallway but she’s nowhere to be seen. I hurry toward the
elevators, hoping to find her there, without success. I call the elevator and wait
an entire minute for it to arrive. I step into it and press the button for the lobby,
hoping to catch Taylor before she leaves. As soon as the doors slide open at the lobby,
I dash toward the exit door, my eyes scanning around. Where has she gone?

“Have you seen a red Hyundai leaving?” I ask the doorman.

“Yes, Mrs. Edelman’s Hyundai. She’s just left.”

“Crap.” I motion to the valet to bring my car. She must be going to her apartment.
I have to apologize to her and let her know I won’t be bothering her anymore. I’ve
been blaming her for not moving on, but I think it’s me who has to listen to my own
advice and move on.

I
’m driving fast, and my eyes are blurred with tears. I can’t believe a song could
bring me to tears in a room full of people, especially after my eyes have been tear-free
for almost three long years. I should feel happy about it, finally shaking off the
emotional numbness that was eating at me for so long. I was even worried that my eyes
had permanently lost the function of producing tears after crying nonstop for one
full month after Jack’s death.

I should have left a note or something for Adam, I think to myself, as I wipe my tears
away and notice through the rearview mirror a green sedan driving a little too close
to me. Adam must be dead worried, and I can’t even imagine Valerie’s attitude. I decide
to text Bree as soon as I get home and floor the gas pedal. At least, the others will
enjoy themselves without their crazy boss bitching around.

I smile at the thought of anyone calling me bitch behind my back. Frightening maybe,
freaky most likely, demanding surely, but a bitch? Bree reported to me more than a
couple of times how happy and thrilled everyone is to be working at my company, even
though I forbid employees chatting with each other or using Internet for anything
besides work-related reasons and made it clear to them that I’d randomly check their
browsing histories.

I wipe my tears away as I spot the La Brea exit on the highway, but can’t slide into
the right lane on time, and miss the exit. Punching the steering wheel, I take the
Crenshaw and notice the green sedan is right after me, taking the same exit.

With a little bit of traffic, I make it to the parking lot of the residency where
my condo is in twenty minutes. A yawning attack hits me, as I kill the engine in my
parking slot and pull out the key from the ignition. I wrap my scarf over my shoulders
and grab my purse before opening the door.

I note it’s chillier here in Miracle Mile than the Peninsula’s front entry, wondering
whether the hotel invests in heaters at the entrance. That’d be the ultimate customer
satisfaction.

I hear murmurs deep inside the lot when I reach the elevator. While I continuously
hit the button, I turn around to find out the source of the noise. No one is to be
seen. Must be a neighbor, I think to myself to calm down, but if the tapping of my
shoe is a sign of anything, it is that of my fear. I look around once again to make
sure it’s just the wind or even some rat, but my senses are all about fight or flight.
I glance down at my boots, whose heels appear miles long with my anxiety. Just the
right length to break my ankles, were I to start running in them.

Good thing the residency is gated and secure.

The two elevators seem to be stuck at the lobby. I push the button three more times,
angry at the people who selfishly keep them occupied. I’d rather have some more traffic
on the way home than wait for the elevator in these boots.