Pop Tarts: Omnibus Edition (10 page)

“You’re
welcome,” Holly replied.

She’d escaped
from Rita’s imprisonment and was hell-bent on a retribution of her
own, that didn’t end with death by Jimmy Choo.

Meanwhile Rhino
was still in the graveyard - crouching down - hiding behind a large
headstone, while Zombie Mick stumbled around looking for him.

Holly and
Cherry each appeared and ducked behind a headstone, each of their
own.

They signalled
to Rhino that they had a plan.

One by one each
got up and summoned Mick in their direction.

Mick got dizzy
with direction and soon stumbled to the ground.

Holly continued
her warpath and hopped over to kick him in the nether regions with
her remaining shoe, just to make sure she got full value for
money.

Those shoes had
cost her £700!

However Mick
grabbed her ankle and went to take a juicy bite out of it!

Rhino had read
about how Mick died the first time around and was quick
thinking.

He grabbed
Cherry’s handbag, opened it and took her vibrator out and turned it
on.

It buzzed like
a bumble bee and Mick was soon terrified.

He let go of
Holly’s ankle in panicked fraught, got up and made a run for
it.

He ran out of
the cemetery, onto a motorway and straight into oncoming
traffic.

Boooof!!!

He was hit by a
car and dead again within seconds.

Though just to
make sure Cherry took the vibrator back off Rhino and slammed it
into what remained of his brain.

They each
breathed a huge sigh of relief.

They couldn’t
believe what had just happened.

“Couldn’t make
this shit up,” Rhino declared.

Cherry and
Holly nodded in agreement.

But the drama
wasn’t over yet…

The turned
around and there stood right in front of them was pure evil
personified.

The big! The
bad!

The shape
shifting super-witch bitch!

And the
daughter of Satan, herself!

Rita
Barker!

And she was
fucking furious!

So Rita Barker
was not a happy shape shifting super-witch bitch.

She’d spent
half a day resurrecting dumb and dumber; had to learn some mumbo
jumbo spell chants and broken a nail ripping the heart out of
Truffles in the process.

And not only
had they failed her, but our sexy Tequila Sun heroines had defeated
and all but destroyed them, and Rita’s plans for world domination
along with it.

There goes her
dream of winning the Eurovision Song Contest!

Her only chance
now was to go a Voice panelled with gay judges and announce she was
singing with her cock out.

Or The X
Factor. And hope for – at best – to come 2
^nd
or
3
^rd
and release next year’s Mother’s Day CD of
done-to-death cover versions.

She cringed a
little and shuddered at the thought.

Tequila Sun had
ruined everything.

And now they
must pay.

She chanted
some more mumbo jumbo, executing a spell in which she was able to
penetrate their heads; well there wasn’t much else in there.

She also was
able to enter and take advantage of their worst fears to procure
the ultimate revenge.

Holly always
wanted to be a star.

So Rita turned
her into one: as a burning ball of atomic fire in the starry night
sky.

Holly twinkled
and looked so pretty.

Rita regretted
letting her off so lightly.

So she
accelerated time by several billion years, setting off a titanic
explosion – resulting in a supernova – and depleted the hydrogen,
burning her out in a mere puff of smoke.

“Time to up the
ante,” she thought.

Next up was
Cherry Fontaine.

Or was it
Chesney Foster.

Rita couldn’t
decide.

So Rita decided
to make her both.

Suddenly they
were in a circus on stage and Rita was the magician.

Cherry was
lying in a box.

She took out a
saw and sawed Cherry right in half, right through the middle.

Cherry screamed
and blood squirted everywhere.

Now there was
only Rhino Zagreb to deal with.

And Rhino had
disappointed Rita most.

He’d worshipped
in the church of Pink Champagne and defected to the other side.

Of this, there
was no greater sin.

Rita knew of
his penchant for sex dungeons.

So she chained
him up in one.

And slowly
lowered him down anally - legs akimbo and lubed up – onto the
biggest dildo the world has ever seen.

He was totally
ripped apart, more so even than Cherry had been.

Still there was
a part of Rita that wondered if Rhino had secretly enjoyed it.

And she
couldn’t have that.

So she reversed
the spells.

And suddenly
Holly, Cherry and Rhino were all alive again, still stood right in
front of her.

They gasped in
horror at what else could be in store for them, as Rita summoned
all the powers of her supremacy and roared like a woman on a
period, whose ‘Take a Break’ magazine subscription had just been
cancelled.

The sky turned
dark, the heavens opened up, and she shape shifted into a
Godzilla-like creature, only not quite as pretty.

Rhino, Cherry
and Holly each shit their panties, even though Rhino was the only
one actually wearing them (Victoria’s Secret in case you were
wondering.)

It started to
thunder and then lightning struck.

Ritazilla
roared some more, claws at the ready.

Then the ground
opened up and swallowed them all alive.

The man on TV
smiled and his teeth sparkled.

They were a
lighter shade of white so brilliant, you had to grab for your
shades.

His face was
lobster red perma-tanned, his jaw chiselled to perfection; and he
introduced himself:

“Hello and
welcome to ‘I’m a Has Been, Please Don’t Feed Me to the Lions’. I
am your host Dexter Anton and tonight we see former 80s heart throb
Felix from Tequila Sun face off against sex siren Jade Astley, the
sultry one from Pink Champagne

“We are now
down to the final 2 survivors and it’s a straight face off. Who
will be crowned the winner? Find out now in ‘The Bridge of
Doooooooom’…”

Felix and Jade
stood either side of a rope suspension bridge, above a hundred foot
steep drop into a fiery gushing lava.

Felix had a
funny feeling he had been there before.

He had.

The timeline
may have changed, but not enough to cease his existence, just delay
his return and sent him back a few months early.

So he was back
to square one again.

Dexter
explained the object of the game, as well as the dire
consequences.

Felix knew just
how dire they would be.

The first
question was asked and Felix hesitantly answered as he did before
and moved forward five spaces onto and over the bridge of certain
death.

He breathed a
sigh of relief and mopped some sweat from his brow.

Jade quickly
followed suit and got hers right too.

Bubbling blood
red lava spat below them and a gust of wind almost knocks Felix off
his feet, giving him the same heebie jeebies.

Time for
question number 2:

“Felix, who had
the biggest penis in Tequila Sun? Yourself, Rhino Zagreb or Cherry
Fontaine?”

Felix thought
about his answer and what it would mean to mankind and pop
humanity.

He considered
the true ramifications of a nightmarish outcome he couldn’t
possibly go through again.

This could be
even worse than reliving the 90s!

But fuck
it!

He went with
his ego and said “Me!” dropping his pants to prove otherwise.

Jade got her
next question right and suddenly the bridge panel Felix was
standing on gave way and he fell screaming into a certain fiery
death below.

Only it was all
a cheap set up for the TV show.

Production had
been over budget.

They’d spent
too much money on the bomb that blew up The Ant from Adam and.

So it wasn’t a
fiery lava pit at all, it was a giant pool of sparkling
marmalade.

Production
mixed back to the TV studio and Dexter announced on set: “Please
welcome our winner of ‘I’m a Has Been, Please Don’t Feed me to the
Lions’, star of Pink Champagne… its Jade Astley.

The audience
reaction was mixed as Jade joined Dexter on stage, looking both
terrified and thrilled. Confetti cannons and fireworks went off and
the credits rolled.

Felix was alive
- just a little sticky – and resigned to going back to the Pig
& Whistle Working Man’s Pub in Grimsby.

However fate
still had one more surprise up its sleeve…

He thought of
Holly and how he longed to be with her.

And he wrote a
song about it. And sang it. And it went something like this:

“Whoever said
that love was easy, was lying, it ain’t clearer to see…

Sometimes I
feel like I am dying, like I am dying, oh baby set me free…

From the spell
you have me under, it makes me kind of wonder…

Does the
pleasure equal out the pain?

Feelings raging
out of control, should I sell the devil my soul, and slowly I am
being driven insane…

This is killing
me (us being apart)

This is killing
me (like an axe through my heart)

This is killing
me (till death us do part)

The way I feel
about you…

This is killing
me (bang bang, I’m dead)

This is killing
me (you’re filling me with lead)

This is killing
me (you heard what I said)

The way you
make me feel…”

Holly was in
the audience at the Pig & Whistle that night and she heard
every line.

When Felix’s
agent Max Jacks suggested the band get back together, it didn’t
seem quite the mammoth task it did before.

Cherry Fontaine
hadn’t gone into hiding or reverted back to her former self; she’d
lived a fulfilling life and had an epic career.

She hadn’t
fucked Felix up the arse with a strap on microphone, so Holly
hadn’t revealed her secret to the News of the World.

And in return:
Cherry hadn’t attempted to kill Holly or ended up in Prisoner: Cell
Block H.

Instead, when
the band originally split up, she was much sought after as a true
1980s pioneer of fashion and a true style icon.

She’d developed
and designed her own range of androgynous clothing for her own
fashion brand called Neptune; for those of us yet to decide or
reluctant to shop in either Venus or Mars.

And she’d
created her very own unis ex-neutral eau de toilette, which she’d
called Cherry Bomb, for those not overly inspired otherwise.

To top that she
also married a hot footballer or three (and slept with another two
dozen) and had twice as many hit solo records in Japan, both of
which had dried up now (as well as her fanny) so she was keen to
give it another shot.

And lubricating
up as we speak.

Rhino Zagreb on
the other hand was off saving the real rhino – this time quite
literally – from poachers and the illegal trading of their horns in
West Africa; so was unable to re-join.

However
following Felix’s ram pant gig in Grimsby, Holly had found an
abandoned scruffy poodle called Truffles and driven 70 miles to get
him a perm, cut and blow dry.

It was there
she met the perfect replacement: Hawky Andrews.

“I hear you’re
the best poodle hair stylist in town,” she said, as she entered the
salon.

“You got that
right, girlfriend,” he replied.

He hissed his
S’s like a snake, was as camp as a row of tents at Christmas, and
when he walked, he minced like he’d been f c ked by a thousand
escaped convicts…

But hey, he
looked a little like Rhino and could bang a good cymbal.

He could also
sing with the help of a Calrec Soundfield microphone and seemed
happy to take on the same moniker for an exciting new career in
show business (though a little sad to give up his poodle
salon.)

Of course the
fact he was also a witch and could do magic might not exactly
hinder their chances of getting back in the top 10 again
either.

Holly wasn’t as
stupid as she looked.

Well not on a
Thursday anyway.

And she’d lived
a life, almost completely without regret.

Things hadn’t
worked out between her and Felix, as we all suspected it
wouldn’t.

True love
exists only in the mind of Mills and Boon readers, and
self-obsessed single fantasists.

A real
relationship is a rocky one, and has to be nurtured with time

There are ups
and downs.

They’d been
married and divorced a few times.

Couldn’t live
with each other or without, it seems.

But Felix had
at least managed to maintain a relationship with his spunky
daughter Fifi.

However Felix
and Holly hadn’t spoken in years.

Not since their
latest divorce.

They forget
what it was over.

Holly was still
a little jealous possessive.

Felix still
thought oftentimes with his dick.

But there was
bond between them that could never truly be broken.

So the band
were back together and riding the crest of a wave in the pop charts
again.

Cherry was
cultivating style and Rhino was becoming a pro at banging that
cymbal.

In fact the
only awkwardness was between Felix and Holly themselves, although
neither knew exactly why.

So Felix
decided to address the situation.