Portraits (64 page)

“But she knows about Arlene’s party. And what about Stewart? Besides, you have to change your dress for the party.”

Lillian was stumped. Here she was, nineteen years old, and still having to check in with mama on every detail of her life. She’d never break out at this rate, and had no idea how to go about it. “Okay, Amy, you’re so worldly, how do you think I should handle this? I really want to go out with this Jerry Gould, just for the hell of it.”

“I’m against it…But let’s think. Call Stewart and tell him you don’t feel like going to Arlene’s and to meet you for dinner instead.”

“What will that solve? I want to go out with Jerry.”

“Yes, but if he joins you, it would give you a sort of cover. Then you could have a headache, ditch him and meet Jerry later.”

“How am I going to explain three guys? Tell you what I’m going to do, I’ll call Stewart and say a cousin of mine just came in from Cleveland unexpectedly, then I’ll call mama and say I don’t have time to come home to change my dress for Arlene’s party because it’s informal.”

“I think you’re nuts, Lillian, but maybe you can get away with it.”

“I’m sure it’s nuts, but maybe once God will be on my side. Since she doesn’t believe me when I tell the truth, she just might believe me when I tell a lie. I don’t know, Amy, I feel pretty jittery about it, but I want to do it…”

“Well, if you don’t get back, Romeo will be gone. Talk to you tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed.”

“As well as a few other things. I’d better make my phone calls.” …

Lillian’s heart pounded as she told her mother that she was going to wear the same dress to the party.

“A sheer wool, Lillian? I don’t know, it just doesn’t sound like a party dress to me.”

“Don’t worry about it. Really. I’ll get some beads from Amy and it’ll jazz up the outfit.”

“What time will you be home?”

“Around twelve.”

“Tell Stewart to drive carefully.”

No, he’s going to speed right down Market Street. “I’ll tell him.”

Now for Stewart…“Sorry about breaking the news at the last minute, but it was so unexpected—”

“Why don’t you bring her along?”

“She wouldn’t feel comfortable, but you have a good time. And incidentally, I won’t be home tomorrow…”

“Where are you going?” he said with an irritability that Lillian resented. She wasn’t beholden to him. They weren’t engaged or going steady, although he thought so—and so did mama and papa. “My mother and I are taking my cousin to Carmel for a few days.” At least that would keep him from calling the house. If only he’d back off, but no such luck.

“Well…” Stewart said, “I can’t say I’m not disappointed about tonight.”

“Me too, but it’s just one of those things.”

“Yes, well, have a good time. When you come back I’d like to meet your cousin and take you both to dinner.”

She doubted that Stewart was going for any of this, but she told herself she didn’t care. What bothered her was her trembling when she hung up. My God, it was hard climbing out of that playpen…She composed herself and walked back to join Jerry and his two friends, Nat Fried and Mike Robinson…

As they left the hotel Jerry said, “Do you mind walking?”

“Not at all, but I have my car parked in the garage.” …

It wasn’t until after the waiter took their order and had brought them their drinks that Lillian began to relax. This was the first time she’d had anything stronger than a Pink Lady, but whatever this concoction was it certainly helped to soothe the nerves. The lights were dim and Jerry looked like Cary Grant. Funny, she thought, Henry had looked like Clark Gable when she first saw him…It sure took a lot of
chutzpah
to do what she had done tonight. In fact, her boldness still frightened her. Amy was right, this was crazy. But still, it was more fun than she had ever had in her life.

“I’m going to have another one,” she announced.

“Those drinks aren’t as innocent as they look. They creep up on you,” Jerry warned.

“Really? Did you ever see a drunken coconut?” Lillian said, thinking it must have been pretty witty because they all laughed.

“Never. You’re absolutely right. I’ll have another one too.”

“Make it three,” Mike said.

“Four. The coconuts have got to make a living,” Nat wittily added.

Halfway through the second drink Lillian thought, Now this is a party, a real party. She felt like quite the
femme fatale
, out with three good-looking guys. If she only had the nerve to invite them home for a nightcap. Wouldn’t
that
be something? But that brave she wasn’t…

Now the food was being passed back and forth and Lillian was sampling a little of each dish. “This is really delicious, Jerry.”

“I told you, best and cheapest dinner in town. Here, how about a little more almond duck?”

“Would you like some more rice?” Nat asked.

She’d never felt so at ease and happy in her whole life. She turned to Jerry. “How did you all meet?”

“We grew up in the Bronx together and decided to come west and make our fortune.” He laughed. Lucky if he had ten bucks on him…

“Do you like it here?”

“I love it. What about you?”

“Native California.”

“You mean people are really born in this state? I don’t believe it.”

“Swear…I was born in Oakland, California, that great metropolis across the bay.” …

When she finally looked at her wristwatch it was eleven-thirty, and that could mean trouble. “I really hate to break this up, but I’ve got to go. It’s been great. What do I owe?”

She settled her share and then got up to leave, but Jerry stopped her. “You’re not going home alone at this hour. I’ll go with you.”

“And how would you get to where you live from my place?”

“Where do you live?”

“On Mason and Sacramento.”

“Near the Fairmont Hotel?”

“The same.”

“In that case I can walk it. I live on Golden Gate and Hyde.”

“You don’t have to, Jerry, really—”

“I don’t have to do anything, but I want to.” …

Lillian parked the car a block away from her building—she didn’t want the doorman to see her. They talked for a few more minutes, then she said, “I really have to go. It was the best time I’ve had in a long time…”

“Me too. You know, Mike had to drag me there this afternoon. I almost didn’t go.”

“Well, I did something tonight I’ve never done before.”

“What?”

“Pick a fellow up—”

“Is that what you did?”

She laughed. “You know I did.”

“So what? It was harmless enough.”

“But now that I think about it, it could have been the other way around.”

“Sure could have, but I have a feeling you wouldn’t go out with anybody you didn’t trust.”

“How do you know so much about me?”

“Just instinct. I think you’re a very classy girl, Lillian.”

“Thanks. Is that the way you tell if someone is, or isn’t, a pushover?”

“Sure, if you’d come on too strong I would have treated you differently.”

“I’m going to take that as a compliment.”

“That’s the way it was intended—”

“Thank you. Again, it was one of the best times I’ve ever had.”

Jerry laughed. “It doesn’t take much to make you happy, does it?”

“I wouldn’t say that. It takes a lot, and that’s why I had such a good time.”

Jerry got out of the car and came around to her side. “Well, goodnight. Hope I see you around.”

“I go to the Drake every Saturday—”

Jerry smiled, nodded and walked down the Jones Street hill.

When Jerry opened the door to his room, Mike was reading the Sunday paper in the twin bed next to his. Looking up, he asked, “Well, how did it go?”

“How did what go?”

“The price of bananas in Guatemala…Lillian, stupid.”

“Why is that your business?”

“I know you didn’t screw her but—”

“But
nothing
, I didn’t even kiss her goodnight.”

“You didn’t like her, huh?”

“I liked her very much.”

“You’re a
putz
, you know that?”

“Thanks,” Jerry said, getting out of his trousers.

“You’re not only a
putz
but a
schmuck
,” Mike went on. “The first classy girl you met since you’ve been here and—”

“Will you leave me the hell alone?”

“Why? Someone has to take care of you.”

“For God’s sake, Mike, you should see where she lives. What the hell would she want to go out with me for?”

“She did tonight…”

“Tonight was for kicks. She wanted to go slumming, see how the other half from the Bronx lives.”

“She went out with you because she likes you, dummy, and if you had a brain in your head you’d rush her. The way to get ahead in this world is either to have a rich father or marry a rich girl.”

“If anyone needs their head examined it’s you, buddy. Even if I was crazy about her, what would she want with a guy who sells ties at Roos Brothers?”

“Because, as you said earlier tonight, you’re fascinating.”

“Very fascinating. I couldn’t even pay for her dinner. I felt rotten taking four dollars from her.”

“She didn’t seem to mind—”

“No, because she was out for kicks tonight.”

“Well, let me tell you. If I had such
mazel
I wouldn’t let it slip through my hands. You can fall in love with a rich girl—in fact, it wouldn’t be too hard. She’s a good-looking broad—”

“She’s not a broad. Rich, yes, and good-looking—but
not
a broad.”

When Jerry walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind him, Mike shook his head, as though the loss were his own.

Lillian sat looking at the entrance door of the Drake for two Saturdays.

“Well,” she said to Amy, “I guess I just don’t have what it takes. I really thought he’d call.”

“You didn’t give him your number.”

“He’s a big boy. He could have looked it up in the phone book.”

“Well, so what did you lose?”

“A lot. I liked him—”

“Lillian, don’t tempt the fates. You got away with it once, but even if he called, would you bring him home?”

“I’ve thought about it a lot, Amy. If I have to repent for my sins against my parents for the rest of my life, I’m going to marry who
I
want.”

“He hasn’t even called!”

“I wasn’t talking about him in particular. I meant anyone who loves me and I feel the same about. I’m not going to let them do to me what they did to Doris, and Rachel too in a way.”

“Lillian, don’t look now, but guess who just came through the door.”

Lillian didn’t dare look toward the door. She took out a Camel and lit it. God, she was nervous. Suddenly she felt him standing at her side.

“Hi, Lillian. Want to dance?”

She smiled and got up without a word. They danced silently and she couldn’t bring herself to meet his eyes, but when the dance ended he asked if he could buy her a drink.

As she perched herself on the stool next to him, she said, “Mike must have been very persuasive…”

“He had nothing to do with it this time. I just wanted to see if you were for real.”

“What do you think?”

“You’re for real…Can I take you out to dinner? I got paid today.”

“Could we go to the same place?”

“Why, are you that crazy about coconuts?”

“No, about you—” She heard herself say it, and couldn’t believe it…

“Really? After one meeting—?”

“After one meeting. I’ve been seeing someone for several years zero.”

Jerry laughed. “Funny about chemistry.”

“I don’t know much about chemistry. It wasn’t my best subject.”

“What was?”

“I guess I did postgraduate work in feelings.”

“Good subject…feel like dancing?”

Lillian passed Amy’s table without even seeing her. All she was aware of was Jerry touching the tips of her fingers. She wasn’t dancing, she was floating—five feet off the ground…

She sat at ease in the dim light of the restaurant and listened to Jerry’s voice as he answered her questions…

“I didn’t see any reason to stay in New York after my mother died. She was all I had.”

“Tell me about her.”

“Tell you about her? She was just a great person. When I was thirteen—incidentally, do you know anything about
bar mitzvahs
?”

“Of course, I’m Jewish. Couldn’t you tell?”

“No, why should I? Your name is Sanders.”

“Yes, but my nose isn’t—”

He looked carefully. “Your nose? I think it’s beautiful. Where did you get that idea?”

“From my mother, I guess…she’s a little unhappy because she thinks it looks like hers. That’s the only flaw I have in her eyes. Otherwise, I’m perfect.”

“Forgive me, but I don’t think she ever took a good look at your profile.”

Lillian smiled. “There’s a lot of things she never looked at…well, you were telling me about your mother and your
bar mitzvah
.”

“Right. My father had a stroke two days before, and obviously I thought she was going to cancel the
bar mitzvah
.” Jerry paused as though he were reliving the moment…“She was broken-hearted, of course, but she insisted on going ahead with it. That’s just the kind of person she was. She took care of my father until the day he died. She was a wonderful mother, and wife…”

“You’re a very lucky fellow, Jerry. It must be marvelous to have all those memories.”

“You sound sort of strange, as though in some way you’re almost jealous of me…”

“Well, it doesn’t take you long to catch on—”

“With all you’ve got?”

“Well, I just couldn’t talk about my family in the glowing terms you use for yours.”

He was hesitant about pressing her on what was obviously a painful subject, and so he grasped at the first thought that came to mind. “What do you do?”

“That’s one of the problems. I don’t really do anything, and from the looks of things, I doubt I’ll ever win the Florence Nightingale prize.”

“What about the men in your life?”

“Men in my life? I date, but no one I could think of getting serious with. What about you?”

“Oh, pretty much the same. But I couldn’t think of getting serious even if I did meet the right girl.”