Practical Magic (10 page)

Gillian really sounds as if she’s cracking up now. She has a tremor in her hand that’s making it impossible for her to light another cigarette.

“You have to stop smoking,” Sally says. Gillian is still her little sister, even now; she’s her responsibility.

“Oh, fuck it.” Gillian manages to light the match, then her cigarette. “I’ll probably get a life sentence. Cigarettes will just shorten the time I have to serve. I should smoke two at a time.”

Although the girls weren’t much more than babies when their parents died, Sally made snap decisions that seemed forceful enough to carry them both along. After the sitter they’d been left with became hysterical, and Sally had to get on the phone with the police officer to hear the news of their parents’ death, she told Gillian to choose her two favorite stuffed animals and throw all the others away, because from then on they’d have to travel light, and take only what they could care for themselves. She was the one who told the silly baby-sitter to look for the aunts’ phone number in their mother’s date-book, and she insisted she be allowed to call and announce that she and Gillian would be made wards of the state unless a relative, however distant, came forward to claim them. She had the same look on her face then as she does now, an unlikely combination of dreaminess and iron.

“The police don’t have to know,” Sally says. Her voice sounds oddly sure.

“Really?” Gillian examines her sister’s face, but at times like this Sally never gives anything away. It’s impossible to read her. “Seriously?” Gillian moves closer to Sally, for comfort. She looks over at the Oldsmobile. “Do you want to see him?”

Sally cranes her neck; there’s a shape in the passenger seat, all right.

“He really was cute.” Gillian stubs out her cigarette and starts to cry. “Oh, boy,” she says.

Sally can’t believe it, but she actually wants to see him. She wants to see what such a man looks like. She wants to know if a woman as rational as herself could ever be attracted to him, if only for a second.

Gillian follows Sally over to the car and they lean forward to get a good look at Jimmy through the windshield. Tall, dark, handsome, and dead.

“You’re right,” Sally says. “He was cute.”

He is, by far, the best-looking guy Sally has ever seen, dead or alive. She can tell, by the arch of his eyebrows and the smirk that’s still on his lips, that he sure as hell knew it. Sally puts her face up to the glass. Jimmy’s arm is thrown over the seat and Sally can see the ring on the fourth finger of his left hand—it’s a big chunk of silver with three panels: a saguaro cactus is etched into one side panel, a coiled rattlesnake on the other, and in the center there’s a cowboy on horseback. Even Sally understands that you wouldn’t want to get hit if a man had that ring on; the silver would split your lip right open, it would cut quite deep.

Jimmy cared about the way he looked, that much is clear. Even after hours slumped over in the car, his blue jeans are so crisp it appears that somebody tried hard to iron them just right. His boots are snakeskin and they obviously cost a fortune. They’ve been very well cared for; if somebody spilled a beer on those boots by accident, or kicked up too much dust, there’d be trouble, you can tell that by looking at the polished leather. You can tell just by looking at Jimmy’s face. Dead or alive, he is who he is: somebody you don’t want to mess with. Sally steps away from the car. She’d be afraid to be alone with him. She’d be afraid one wrong word would set him off, and then she wouldn’t know what to do.

“He looks kind of mean.”

“Oh, god, yeah,” Gillian says. “But only when he was drinking. The rest of the time he was great. He was good enough to eat, and I’m not kidding. So I got the idea of a way to keep him from being mean—I started giving him a little bit of nightshade in his food every night. It made him go to sleep before he could start drinking. He was perfectly fine all this time, but it must have been building up in his bloodstream, and then he just conked out. We were sitting there in the rest area and he was looking through the glove compartment for his lighter, which I bought for him at the flea market in Sedona last month, and he got bent over and couldn’t seem to straighten back up. Then he stopped breathing.”

In someone’s backyard a dog is barking; it’s a hoarse and frantic sound that has already begun to filter into people’s dreams.

“You should have phoned the aunts and asked about the correct dosage,” Sally says.

“The aunts hate me.” Gillian runs her hand through her hair, to give it some fullness, but with this humidity it stays pretty limp. “I’ve disappointed them in every way.”

“So have I,” Sally says.

Sally believed the aunts judged her as far too ordinary to be of any real interest. Gillian felt sure they considered her common. Because of this, the girls always felt temporary. They had the sense that they’d better be careful about what they said and what they revealed. Certainly they never shared their fear of storms with the aunts, as if after nightmares and stomach viruses, fevers and food allergies, that phobia might be the last straw for the aunts, who had never particularly wanted children in the first place. One more complaint might send the aunts running to collect the sisters’ suitcases, which were stored in the attic, covered with cobwebs and dust, but made of Italian leather and still decent enough to be put to good use. Instead of turning to the aunts, Sally and Gillian turned to each other. They whispered that nothing bad would happen as long as they could count to a hundred in thirty seconds. Nothing could happen if they stayed under the covers, if they did not breathe whenever the thunder crashed above them.

“I don’t want to go to jail.” Gillian takes out another Lucky Strike and lights it. Because of her family history, she has a real abandonment anxiety, which is why she’s always the first to leave. She knows this, she’s spent enough time in therapy and paid enough bucks to discuss it in depth, but that doesn’t mean anything’s changed. There is not one man who’s gotten the jump and broken up with her first. That’s her claim to fame. Frankly, Jimmy comes the closest. He’s gone, and here she still is, thinking about him and paying the price for doing so.

“If they send me to jail, I’ll go nuts. I haven’t even lived yet. Not really. I want to get a job and have a normal life. I want to go to barbecues. I want to have a baby.”

“Well, you should have thought of that before.” This is exactly the advice Sally has been giving Gillian all along, which is why their phone conversations have gone from brief to non-existent in the past few years. This is what she wrote in her most recent letter, the one Gillian never received. “You should have just left him.”

Gillian nods. “I should have never said hello to him. That was my first mistake.”

Sally carefully searches her sister’s face in the green moonlight. Gillian may be beautiful, but she’s thirty-six, and she’s been in love far too often.

“Did he hit you?” Sally asks.

“Does it really make a difference?” Up close, Gillian certainly doesn’t look young. She’s spent too much time in the Arizona sun and her eyes are tearing, even though she’s no longer crying.

“Yes,” Sally says. “It does. It makes a difference to me.”

“Here’s the thing.” Gillian turns her back on the Oldsmobile, because if she doesn’t she’ll remember that Jimmy was singing along to a Dwight Yoakam tape only a few hours ago. It was that song she could listen to over and over again, the one about a clown, and, in her opinion, Jimmy sang it about a million times better than Dwight ever could, which is saying quite a lot, since she’s crazy for Dwight. “I was really in love with this one. Deep down in my heart. It’s so sad, really. It’s pathetic. I wanted him all the time, like I was crazy or something. Like I was one of those women.”

In the kitchen, at twilight, those women would get down on their knees and beg. They’d swear they’d never want anything again in their lives, if they could just have what they wanted now. That was when Gillian and Sally used to lock their pinkies together and vow that they’d never be so wretched and unfortunate. Nothing could do that to them, that’s what they used to whisper as they sat on the back stairs, in the dark and the dust, as if desire were a matter of personal choice.

Sally considers her front lawn and the hot and glorious night. She still has goose bumps rising along the back of her neck, but they’re not bothering her anymore. In time, you can get used to anything, including fear. This is her sister, after all, the girl who sometimes refused to go to sleep unless Sally sang a lullaby or whispered the ingredients for one of the aunts’ potions or charms. This is the woman who phoned her every Tuesday night, exactly at ten, for an entire year.

Sally thinks about the way Gillian held on to her hand when they first followed the aunts through the back door of the old house on Magnolia Street. Gillian’s fingers were sticky from gumballs and cold with fear. She refused to let go; even when Sally threatened to pinch her, she just held on tighter.

“Let’s take him around the back,” Sally says.

They drag him over to where the lilacs grow, and they make certain not to disturb any of the roots, the way the aunts taught them. By now the birds nesting in the bushes are all asleep. The beetles are curled up in the leaves of the quince and the forsythia. As the sisters work, the sound of their shovels has an easy rhythm, like a baby clapping hands or tears falling. There is only one truly bad moment. No matter how hard Sally tries, she cannot close Jimmy’s eyes. She’s heard this happens when a dead man wishes to see who’s next to follow. Because of this, Sally insists that Gillian look away while she begins to shovel the dirt over him. At least this way only one of them will have him staring up at her every night in her dreams.

When they’ve finished, and returned the shovels to the garage, and there’s nothing but freshly turned earth beneath the lilacs, Gillian has to sit down on the back patio and put her head between her legs so she won’t pass out. He knew exactly how to hit a woman, so that the marks hardly showed. He knew how to kiss her, too, so that her heart began to race and she’d start to think forgiveness with every breath. It’s amazing the places that love will carry you. It’s astounding to discover just how far you’re willing to go.

On some nights it’s best to stop thinking about the past, and all that’s been won and lost. On nights like this, just getting into bed, crawling between the clean white sheets, is a great relief. It’s only a June night like any other, except for the heat, and the green light in the sky, and the moon. And yet, what happens to the lilacs while everyone sleeps is extraordinary. In May there were a few droopy buds, but now the lilacs bloom again, out of season and overnight, in a single exquisite rush, bearing flowers so fragrant the air itself turns purple and sweet. Before long bees will grow dizzy. Birds won’t remember to continue north. For weeks people will find themselves drawn to the sidewalk in front of Sally Owens’s house, pulled out of their own kitchens and dining rooms by the scent of lilacs, reminded of desire and real love and a thousand other things they’d long ago forgotten, and sometimes now wish they’d forgotten still.

 

ON the morning of Kylie Owens’s thirteenth birthday, the sky is endlessly sweet and blue, but long before the sun rises, before alarm clocks go off, Kylie is already awake. She has been for hours. She is so tall that she could easily pass for eighteen if she borrowed her sister’s clothes and her mom’s mocha lipstick and her aunt Gillian’s red cowboy boots. Kylie knows she shouldn’t rush things, she has her whole life ahead of her; all the same, she’s been traveling to this exact moment at warp speed for the duration of her existence, she’s been completely focused on it, as if this one morning in July were the center of the universe. Certainly she’s going to be a much better teenager than she ever was a child; she’s half believed this all her life, and now her aunt has read her tarot cards for her and they predict great good fortune. After all, the star was her destiny card, and that symbol ensures success in every enterprise.

Kylie’s aunt Gillian has been sharing her bedroom for the past two weeks, which is how Kylie knows that Gillian sleeps like a little girl, hidden under a heavy quilt even though the temperature has been in the nineties ever since she arrived, as if she’s brought some of the Southwest she loves so well along with her in the trunk of her car. They’ve fixed the place the way two roommates would, everything right down the middle, except that Gillian needs extra closet space and she’s asked Kylie to do a tiny bit of redecoration. The black baby blanket that has always been kept at the foot of Kylie’s bed is now folded and stored in a box down in the basement, along with the chessboard that Gillian said occupied way too much space. The black soap the aunts send as a present every year has been taken out of the soapdish and has been replaced with a bar of clear, rose-scented soap from France.

Gillian has very particular likes and dislikes and an opinion about everything. She sleeps a lot, she borrows things without asking, and she makes great brownies with M&M’s stirred into the batter. She’s beautiful and she laughs about a thousand times more than Kylie’s mother does, and Kylie wants to be exactly like her. She follows Gillian around and studies her and is thinking of chopping off all her hair, if she has the guts, that is. Were Kylie to be granted a single wish, it would be to wake and discover that her mouse-brown hair has miraculously become the same glorious blond that Gillian is lucky enough to have, like hay left out in the sun or pieces of gold.

What makes Gillian even more wonderful is that she and Antonia don’t get along. Given time enough, they may grow to despise each other. Last week, Gillian borrowed Antonia’s short black skirt to wear to the Fourth of July block party, spilled a Diet Coke on it accidentally, then told Antonia she was intolerant when she dared to complain. Now Antonia has asked their mother if she can put a lock on her closet door. She has informed Kylie that their aunt is a nothing, a loser, a pathetic creature.