Prayer (2 page)

“Of course. Is Bev okay? She’s been off today.”

He’d left the house early, while she was getting the girls going for the morning. She’d seemed tired, but not unduly, by recent standards. She hadn’t really bounced back from Carina’s birth, so recent standards had been a bit cloudier than her norm. But she covered well, so Nick was the only one who knew that she’d been struggling at all. The rest of the world got all the sun she had to give. “She’s my next stop. Thanks, Ma.”

He found Elisa on her bed, curled up under the covers. Cuddles had followed after her, and she was hugging his head. She was still crying, more quietly now. The dog’s ears were wet.

Nick sat on the side of her bed. “
Signorina
. Mamma is very tired. She didn’t mean to yell.”

Elisa sniffed and sat up. Cuddles, freed of his comforting duties for the moment, shook his head. “I try to be good, Papa. Lia doesn’t try at all.”

“I know you do.” He brushed the tears from her cheeks. “But Lia isn’t your job, Elisa. Couldn’t you have found something else to do if she was bothering you?”

“She’d just come bother me wherever I was. And she was being
annoying
!” She sighed and sniffed again. “Mamma said a ugly word, not a loving word.” Elisa was using the language that they used when the girls asked about the things people said. Swearing and words like ‘stupid’ and ‘retarded’ were ugly words. “If I’m good and let Lia do what she wants, will Mamma love me again?”

“Ah,
signorina
. Your mamma loves you. There’s nothing you could ever do to make her stop. She’s just tired and very busy today. You’ll see. She’ll come up and make it better. Why don’t you read for a while, and I’ll go talk to her. Okay?”

Elisa nodded and climbed onto his lap. He hugged her and kissed the top of her auburn head. “I love you, little miss.”

“I love you, Papa.”

~oOo~

When he got downstairs, his mother and Lia were plinking around on the piano. Elisa’s fifth birthday had happened earlier in the month. She wanted to learn the piano, so they’d bought her one. So far, Lia seemed more interested in the instrument than her older sister did. A very rough rendition of ‘Jingle Bells’ was happening now.

Beverly was back in the kitchen, trying to return to her work. She met his eyes and sent him a silent apology. Her eyes were swollen and rimmed red; she had cried harder than Elisa.

He went to her and put his hand on her hip. “Come,
bella.
Let’s talk.”

“I have to focus on all this. The tables aren’t set, and I don’t have the kids’ meal started. People are going to be here in less than four hours.”

He took her hand and pulled her from the island. “That’s why we hired help. We need to talk. Come.” She stopped resisting and let him lead her back to his study. There, he sat her down on a black leather sofa. “Tell me.”

And she put her face in her hands and cried. He brought her close and held her, letting her go until she could stop on her own. When she was quiet, he said, “I can call and get somebody here to finish it all. If you want Dominic himself, I can have him here within half an hour. It’s Christmas. We should be enjoying the girls. You shouldn’t be so overwhelmed over a family dinner.”

She sat back and wiped her face. “It’s not that. It is more than I thought, but it would be fine. I was enjoying it, mostly. But…Nick…” Her lip started to tremble again, and he put his thumb gently on it.

“Easy,
bella
. What is it?”

“I’m pregnant again!” This time she folded over onto her lap and sobbed hard.

Nick stared at her back for a second, stunned for the second time since he’d walked in the door. Shit. Carina wasn’t even six months old, and it had not been an easy six months. Beverly just hadn’t been the same. She was still gentle and kind and loving. She was an amazing mother and wife. The bookshop was enjoying greater success than it ever had before. But she had been quieter and more reserved since Carina. She said she was fine and the girls were just keeping her on her toes, but he felt sure there was something more. He didn’t know what it might be, but she was changed.

They weren’t ready for another baby. Carina was still waking twice a night to feed. Elisa wasn’t even in kindergarten yet and wouldn’t be until the following fall. And he wanted his sun back at her full brilliance.

Lia was only ten months younger than Elisa. After that, Beverly had said she wanted only one child in diapers at a time. So they’d been careful, and Carina was three and a half years younger than Lia. They were nowhere near ready to think about a fourth yet. Not, apparently, that it mattered.

They’d been careful this time, too. Hell, they hadn’t had all that many opportunities
not
to be careful. There was at least one child in their bed at night more than half the time.

But Nick knew when it had to have happened. Their anniversary. He’d taken her to New York City for the weekend. For those three days, Beverly had been her old self, and they’d made up for a lot of lost time. Since she was nursing, they’d been using condoms.

Almost all the time. Except in the elevator. Rubbing Beverly’s shaking back as she wept, he couldn’t help but smile at that memory.

“It’s okay,
bella
.”

“It’s not! I can’t, Nick. I’m so tired. I haven’t gotten myself back from Carina. My body and my head and my everything still feels…
flabby
. And pregnant and nursing again? That was so hard with Elisa and Lia. I can’t do it. I just can’t.”

He knew she wasn’t saying what it sounded liked she was saying. He moved off the sofa and crouched in front of her, taking her hands. “Look at me, Beverly.” She lifted her eyes. “You can. You don’t have to do it alone. We’ll make Brenda full time.” Brenda, their nanny, now came in about twenty hours a week so Beverly could work at the shop. “And you can cut back at the shop. Katrynn is a great manager. Hire more staff so you can go in when you want and stay home when you want.” They could also wean Carina onto formula entirely, he thought, but he knew better than to say it right now. “You know when it happened, right?”

“New York,” she sniffed. “It has to be New York.”

He nodded. “Yes, but remember when?”

Her look was blank. He was a little hurt that she didn’t remember.

“Coming back from our anniversary dinner, late…after that cab ride…”

She smiled a little. “Oh.”

“Yes. ‘Oh.’ I like the thought that we conceived when I had you face-first on the elevator wall.” The hotel security team had probably gotten a real show that night.

Her smile grew and her cheeks pinked up. “That was nice. With that start, this one will probably be our boy.”

He grinned. Maybe so. But it didn’t matter. “You can do this,
bella
.
We
can.” He’d been thinking about the next thing he was going to say for a while, as he’d watched Beverly struggle over the past few months, but he hadn’t brought it up yet. This moment seemed an apt time. “And I’ll get cut. We stop at four.”

She sat up a little, surprised. “If this is our boy, you mean.”

“No. I’ll make an appointment right after the holidays. It doesn’t matter whether this one is a boy or not. I love my girls. I love the pink and the glitter and the Barbies and princesses and all of it. I don’t need a son to make my family complete. Every one of our children is a token of our love,
bella
. My family was complete when I put this ring on your finger.” He brought her hand to his lips. “
Sei tutto per me. Sei il sole della mia vita
.
Ti amo
.”

She put her hand on the side of his face. “I love you. Don’t make the appointment yet. I’m not ready to be pregnant again, but I’m not ready to be so final about it, either.” She laughed shyly. “I’m sorry about being crazy today.”

“You are the farthest thing from crazy. You need help you’re not asking for—but now I’m going to make sure you get it.” He kissed her hand again. “And it’s not me you owe an apology, Mamma.”

The color drained again from her face. “Oh, God. Poor Elisa! I can’t believe I spoke to her like that!”

“I talked to her. She’s okay. I told her you’d come up and see her.”

“Okay. I need to check on dinner first.”

“No. You need to talk to our girl. Do you want me to get Dominic here and take over in the kitchen?”

“No, no. Ashley and Gina know what they’re doing, and I don’t want to just hand it all over. Okay. I’ll… okay. I’ll go talk to Elisa. The girls need to nap before dinner, anyway, so they’ll still be awake for Mass.”

He stood and helped her to her feet. “Go. I’ll put Ma in the kitchen and I’ll get Lia up to bed.”

~oOo~

A few hours later, their house was full of every living Pagano. Nick’s mother. His Uncle Carlo and his wife, Adele. His cousins and their families: Carlo, Sabina, Trey, and Little Ben; Carmen, Theo, and Teresa; Luca and Manny; John; Joey; and Rosa, Eli, and Teddy. Eli’s brother, Theo’s other son, Jordan, was there. Katrynn was there. And Donnie, too. All of the most important people in their lives.

After a nap—Nick had insisted that Beverly lie down for a few minutes, too—all his girls were restored, and Beverly had dressed them in red velvet dresses with white faux-fur trim. They matched, but each was different, too. Beverly was also dressed in red velvet. To see all his girls looking like a matched set made Nick smile.

Beverly had checked in on the progress of the kitchen, but she ultimately let Nick’s mother take over—a position Betty had been chomping at the bit for, anyway. While she delegated the food prep, Beverly had enlisted Elisa and Lia to help her set the tables—elegant and traditional for the adults, and Santa-themed for the kids. While Nick paced a crabby Carina around the house, in what they had come to call ‘walkies,’ doing laps around the first floor because only movement would keep her settled, Beverly had given Elisa a large gift bag filled with small gold-foil-wrapped boxes for the grownups, and Lia another bag filled with boxes wrapped in paper with sparkling snowflakes for the children, and the girls set a box on the top of each place setting. Little tokens for each member of their family.

Despite the afternoon’s drama, and despite the less-than-picture-perfect settings created by small but eager hands, the tables were wonderful. When family had begun to arrive, everything had been ready, and Beverly had been flush with pride in that.

And, of course, it was all torn to shreds within minutes of the house being full of people. The kids ripped open the little packages at their places long before dinner was served, and there were Christmas LEGOs scattered all over the house seconds later. The adults nibbled at the food as it was laid out and left their drinks about, losing track of them. Lia was wearing a stripe of virgin eggnog on the front of her velvet dress.

Norman Rockwell had left the building.

Nick kept an eye on Beverly, concerned that, in her current state, she’d stress about the mess, but she had most of the women in the kitchen now, and the room was full of chatter and laughter, as it should have been all day.

Carina was in Luca’s arms, giggling as he swooped her back and forth through the air, her little red dress billowing out around her chubby legs. Nick laughed, realizing that it was Luca he thought Carina was most like.

John and Katrynn were talking in a corner, apart from the rest of the circus. Their talk seemed serious and intense, and Nick lingered for a moment, curious. But then Elisa ran up and asked him to help her put her LEGO reindeer back together, and John and Katrynn were forgotten.

Nick had started the day by okaying a hit. Two of J.J.’s men were spending Christmas Eve ending the life of a man who’d thought to challenge Nick, while Nick himself leaned against the bar in his living room with a glass of scotch in his hand and talked football with his cousins—and Trey, who had surprisingly knowledgeable opinions about the Pats—and his children and their cousins ran and squealed through the rooms of his home.