PRESTON (4 page)

“Sorry about that.” He blushed as he came back into the room.

“What was ‘that’ about?” I asked seeing if he would even tell me the truth.

“Becky.”

At least he was willing to admit it. I pulled the blankets closer to myself as he made his way over to the bed and sat down. “I see,” was all I could manage.

We sat in silence for a long time before he reached out and took my hand in his. I didn’t move. I just stared ahead taking in everything in the room.

He squeezed my hand gently, but I didn’t respond. I just stared at the picture of her. Of them.

I turned to see his eyes fixed on me. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I snapped.

Here I was in his bed, and he was thinking of another woman. But what else did I expect? I should have known. It, she, was all he seemed to care about.

“Don’t lie to me Sam.” I tried to pull my hand away from him, but he wouldn’t let me. “Sam, what’s wrong?” He pulled me close to him. “Please, tell me.”

“What’s the point?” I snapped. “It’s not like you’re going to be around for much longer, is it?” He stared at me wide-eyed. “I heard enough of your conversation to know what you’re planning to do.” Pushing myself up from the bed, I tried to pull away from him, but he refused to let go of me. Instead, he enveloped me in his arms and held me tightly.

“Can you blame me for what I am about to do?” he whispered into my skin.

“No,” I admitted. I couldn’t blame him for it, but it didn’t mean I wanted him to do it. It didn’t mean I was okay with it.

“What if I didn’t do it?”

I froze. My mouth fell open as I stared at him. “Are you … for ... me?” I couldn’t bring myself to string together a coherent sentence. Was I actually okay with him doing that? It’s what I wanted, but it wasn’t something I could ever live with. “No.” This time he let me pull away from him.

“Why not?”

“Because. I told you already. I’m not here to fix you. I’m not here to change you.” I turned on my heel, making for the door.

“But you have.” I froze. How was I supposed to react to that? I tried to think of something to say, but I couldn’t. My mind refused to work for me. I managed to turn around and stare at him. “For the first time in a long time, I actually want to be around someone. I actually want you to stay the night. I want to see you again. I want to feel you, to get to know you, to talk to you and have you over for dinner and … and … you didn’t want to fix or change me, but the truth is you have changed me. Maybe it’s not something you were trying to do, but you did it.”

I couldn’t think of anything to say. I felt a tear prick the corner of my eyes again. This time I allowed myself to blink, and the tear fell down my cheek. “I …” I tried to force myself to say what was on my mind. “I don’t think I’ve ever been told something that sweet,” I admitted.

Priest gave me a weak smile. “Well, it’s true. I … you may be right that I’m about to do something stupid but … but if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be determined to maybe … suffer for that stupidity but … keep living.”

I choked on air. Was he trying to tell me he was going to kill himself? But I’d made him reconsider it …
 

***
 

I’d always just planned on killing myself and being done with it. After all, I’d be sent to jail for a long time after this … maybe even life, but somehow, Sam made that okay. She made me consider a life in jail just so I could see her every now and then. Just so that I could hear her voice and listen to her tell me about her day.

It sounded so stupid, and I knew that but … it felt right. It felt like the thing I wanted to do, maybe not the thing I should do, but the thing I wanted to do.

I jumped off the bed. “Sam, please. Please don’t leave me. You can go if you want; if you need to think things over and get a grasp on everything, but please don’t leave me. Promise me you will come back.”

I could hear the pleading in my voice, and I didn’t care. I wanted her to know how much I didn’t want to lose her. I wanted her to know how much she meant to me.

My eyes locked onto her as she searched my face for truth. A small smile spread across her lips as she reached out and touched my arm. Her fingers curled around my bicep.

“I’m not going to leave you. I … I need some time to think about everything. I need time to get my thoughts straight, and I’ve got a lot of questions, but I’m going to come back, and we’re going to talk about this. I want to hear what you have to say for yourself.” She stepped close to me. “But right now … I need to go. I need to give myself time to accept that you’re always going to love her, and even if you do ever love me—you’re still going to love her more.” I opened my mouth to protest, but she put a finger on my lips. “Don’t deny it. We both know it’s the truth.” Another tear slid down her cheek before she could turn away from me.

I stood there as she walked out of my bedroom. My heart raced. Was I supposed to go after her?

She wanted time alone.

Was I supposed to say anything? What was I supposed to say? I felt my lower lip quiver for a fraction of a second and something pricked the corner of my eyes. No. I wasn’t going to cry.

My heart sank as I heard the front door open and close behind her. I took a shaky breath.

If I ran, I’d still be able to catch her.
 

***
 

Tears splashed down my face as I walked down his driveway. My mind raced.

He’s never going to love me as much as he does her.
Out of everything going on in my head that was the one thing I couldn’t stop thinking. She was always going to be his true love. But what was I to him?

I was the one who changed him. Yes, maybe the changes I helped him make were for the best, but I was still the one who changed him. No man wanted to be changed.

I brushed the tears away from my face angrily as I stepped onto the sidewalk to the left of his driveway, my heart dropping into my stomach.
I’m never going to see him again.

It had only been a couple days, but it hit me hard when I realized how much I cared about him. How much it was going to hurt me to never see him again.
 

***
 

I stared at her through the living room window. This was my fault.

She was crying because of me. All I had to do was go out there and ask her not to leave. Tell her I love her. Or tell her I thought I loved her.

Then again, there was the possibility I didn’t. I didn’t fucking know what love was like. All I knew was that I didn’t want to lose her.

And yet I just sat there at my living room window until I couldn’t see her any longer.
 

***
 

I can’t say I was surprised he didn’t come out after me. Just some small part of me had really hoped he would. I know it’s silly, but I just wanted to him to make me feel like he actually wanted me. Like I was important-ish to him. Was that really so much to ask for?

Apparently it was.

I let out a sigh as I pushed my apartment door open. Erin shot me a grin. “Well, you’re home early. I thought you had a date.”

“I thought I did too.”

“Ohh.” She raised herself from the couch. “What happened?”

“He loves someone else.” I shrugged. “And … and he’d do anything for her.” Clearly he wouldn’t even chase me down the street. But he was willing to kill for her. He’d already tried to, and he was going to do it again. How could I really compete with a woman he was willing to kill for?

I kicked off my shoes as Erin headed to the kitchen. She came out with a tub of ice cream, the candy she’d gotten for her birthday last week, and a bottle of vodka.

I dropped down onto the couch and let out a deep breath, a new wave of tears already trying to push their way down my cheeks. I mentally shook myself. He wasn’t worth crying over. He was just some random guy I hardly knew.
It’s not worth it.

As hard as I tried I just couldn’t force myself to believe it.

It was worth it. He was worth it. I reached out and took the candy from her without a word, and Erin stared at me.

“What happened? Did she show up?”

A snort escaped me. It was meant to be a laugh, but I was in the process of chewing. Not a nice laugh, but one all the same. It’s not like I could even win against her; she was dead.

The second the thought passed my mind, I realized how wrong it was. I closed my eyes and took three deep breaths. When I opened them, Erin was staring at me.

“I don’t know why I’m so jealous.” I sounded weak as I spoke. I sounded like a 12-year-old girl; it was embarrassing. “I know he wants me. He said so himself that he didn’t want me to leave him, that he wanted me to come back once I had time to process everything.”

“And what did you say?”

“I told him I would. It was a lie.” I’d known the entire time that I wouldn’t be going back there. How could I? How could I know what he was about to do and not say anything? How could I tell him it was alright? How could I
not
call the cops on him?

I’m not saying the man didn’t deserve it. If you asked me, he did. A girl was dead because of him. But I wasn’t sure I could just let them do it. I couldn’t just sit by and watch him plan a murder.

Maybe if I never saw him again, I could do it. I could just forget him and pretend it never happened. One day I would see him on the news, and he’d be going to jail, and I would feel bad for doing it, for just leaving him—but maybe it was for the best. I couldn’t stop him from what he was going to do, and I couldn’t just sit by and worry about him.

I had to keep away from it and let him make his own choice.

“You’re not going to see him again?”

“No … I can’t. I just … I don’t agree with what he wants to do, and I can’t support him through what will happen when he does do it.”

Erin reached out and took my hand. “Maybe you need to tell him that.” Her soft brown eyes locked on me. “Maybe he needs someone there to tell him not to do this, so he can live a good life—with you.”

“He wouldn’t be happy with that. Trust me, I know the type.”

“Are you sure about that?” I stared at her. Of course, I was sure. “He asked you to come back, didn’t he?”

“Yes but—”

“You said yesterday you got him to open up to you, and that it was the first time he had opened up to anyone in years.”

“Yes but—”

“Well, maybe you’re special. Maybe you are special enough to make him reconsider whatever stupid thing he is about to do.”

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Was I? It was stupid to hope that I was but … I couldn’t help hoping with all my heart that Erin was right.
 

***
 

I let out a loud sigh as someone opened my door. It wasn’t her.

How could I honestly think she would come back?
She told me she would.
I tried to justify it to myself, but it just made me feel stupider.

“Hey, man.” Jacob sat down next to me. He didn’t mention the fact that my cheeks were wet, and my eyes were red. I wouldn’t have cared if he did. I hadn’t cried in 11 years. I didn’t cry all those nights I dreamt about her, I didn’t cry when we got sent to jail; I didn’t even cry when we got out of jail. Now, now it seemed like I was going to make up for that.

“Dom said there was a girl here, did she do this to you?”

I shot him a glance. My mouth opened, but I was speechless. I reached for the bottle, but Jacob snatched it from my hand and placed it out of reach.

“What do you want?” I snapped.

“Dom wanted me to check in on you. He said you seemed off this afternoon.”

“Really?”

“He sounded worried, and I gotta admit I’m pretty worried about you too now that I’ve seen you.”

“I’m fine,” I said dismissively.

“You don’t seem it.”

I turned away from Jacob. He wouldn’t understand. He’d done well for himself since he’d got out of jail. He’d started working for himself; he had a dog, a house—a nice house at that—and anything else any guy could want. At least one who didn’t get close to anyone.

I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen to the dog when we were done with everything here. Jacob loved his dog.

“I’m just … out of my comfort zone,” I admitted. “I actually care about her.”

“The girl that was here when Dom stopped by?”

“Yea. Sam. She’s … great.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“Well, what’s the issue then?”

“The issue,” I snapped. “Is that I’m going to be dead in a couple weeks. Why would I do that to her? I’ve already hurt her enough … She … she doesn’t think I’ll ever love her as much as I love Becky, and my stupid ass didn’t tell her she was wrong. How can I hurt her any more than not telling her she was wrong? How could she even consider seeing me again?” I should have known it was a lie when she said it. I tried to reach for my bottle again, but Jacob held it out of my reach.