Princess Ces'alena (21 page)

When in truth, the fact was, he was downright melancholy on occasion, she actually felt ashamed in front of her friends. That embarrassing fact, making her work extra hard for appearances sake, insisting before all that everything was perfect between them, when in fact it wasn’t. The light, the fire, the spark, the life – seemed to have gone right out of him. There were times when she noticed he seemed far away in thought, and at night when they made love, he made all the right moves, sure to touch her just so; working at it as if it was a duty to make love to her, instead of his pleasure. One evening, he had consumed too much drink at the dinner party they were invited to and excusing himself, saying he needed a bit of fresh air on their terrace.

After a while, concerned because he hadn’t returned, she went looking for him…he was no where to be found. Her friends set out to help her search for him, but he was no where in the area. She was afraid that he had wandered off and gotten lost, so they searched into the night for him. After a few hours, she was so upset she couldn’t think clearly, convinced that some harm had come to him; her friends suggested she go back to their hotel suite, where they escorted her to rest until the next day.

When they arrived at the hotel, to her utter humiliation, he was there sleeping. Never had she felt such shame. He’d taken off and left her at her friends without a word to her or anyone else. With her face flaming, she stood within her suite as her friends looked at him stretched out on the sofa, resting as if not a care in the world.

Four months in Europe was all he could endure…despite her plea to remain longer, Manny began dropping hints that he was ready to return home; reminding her when she began to pout and whine, that he had a plantation to see to. It didn’t take long before Manny began feeling more and more out of place, and anxious – as if in a hurry to get back. He really cared about Katherine, not wanting to ruin her vacation and honeymoon, but at times it was as much as he could stand. His stomach often churned and ached where he would have to literally try to force a good mood that never complied. He was trying to get into this new life, with his new wife…but the more time he spent with her, the more it became startlingly clear… he couldn’t stand this - being separated … from Lena. It was because she wasn’t there with him. At night his stomach would ache just thinking about her, so much so…that when his wife finally lay sleeping in his arms, he closed his eyes wishing she was Lena. He couldn’t shake the empty, the heart wrenching loneliness.

His nights were spent with him awake conjuring dreams of her, reflecting back on memories of them; which in turn rendered him too tired in the mornings to get up. Which caused him to sleep until the early afternoon; angering Katherine who was awake and wanting to start their day, but couldn’t because Manny wouldn’t move from bed until he was ready to. One night when responding to Katherine’s touch; her subtle way of saying she wanted to be made love to, he’d almost called out Lena’s name, biting it back in the nick of time. Their first argument came from Katherine voicing distaste with him for withdrawing upon ejaculation. The first few times he did it, she kept quiet, but was appalled at having to clean his semen from her person.

Unable to keep this to herself, she finally asked her best friend about it…wondering why men did such disgusting things…thinking it normal. However her friends shocked expression and input that her husband never did such a thing, humiliated her once again. The next time, when he repeated the act, she whined about it to him, saying. “Must you do that…spend outside of my body, I find it - offensive… I don’t like it touching me, or having to clean it off.”

He plopped down on his back throwing his arm over his eyes and replied calmly. “Fine…I won’t touch you again. I wouldn’t want to offend your, ‘delicate’ nature.” She lay stunned staring at him. “I didn’t mean that…I just-…”

“Shhh - I’m tired! The deed is finished!” He snapped, remaining in the same position. She lay looking at him a few minutes more, then laid back in bed; quiet, confused and searching for the cause of what could possibly be wrong.

Manny’s face burned with short lived shame knowing what he did with her, he’d done the same having intercourse with the slave women at home. Ma’Nicey had long ago explained to him as well to the other young men on the plantation how a man’s fluids contained the life force to impregnate a woman. In order to keep them out of her they were to withdraw before they were spent. Lena had been the only woman he’d stayed within from beginning to end. Realizing that, told him something he’d tried avoiding all this time.

Making him lay and wonder,
‘What is she doing now? Am I, her thoughts as she is mine? Is there a part of her missing, like the part I can not find? And her nights…are they sleepless as well?’
He then shuddered remembering what he told her after the wedding during the reception. He’d called her into the study…and basically freed her to seek out another. That he would no longer bother her for his bed.

He swallowed as moisture gathered in his throat. His forearm remained over his eyes, a small attempt to keep the tears at bay…yet still, one slid through.
‘Oh God…oh God…Lena…I didn’t mean it! Heavens above help me…I didn’t mean it.’
Facing that revelation, he was anxious and in a hurry to return home, afraid now, that he might be too late. After five months abroad, viewing Southampton, Yorkshire and London, England; staying in luxury hotels, attending operas, balls and dinner parties, the time had come to end their trip. The entire time they were in Europe Manny had seemed melancholy and slow, when the time came to return home, his whole demeanor changed. Gone was the man of forced smiles and laughter, to be replaced by one bounding in energy and drive… his focus on getting back to Webster Fields.

Manny couldn’t slow the racing of his heart, nor the sudden change that came over him, the gleam of eagerness to reach home…to get back to his world; the world where he belonged… and…to see her face again; to see his son again
. ‘Gracious father, how I’ve missed them. I bet my Mikey has grown a foot since my leaving.’
He thought smiling to himself as they boarded the ship for America.

That had been the best part to him about the whole thing, sailing…there was definitely something exciting about it. Which brought to his mind, the other business venture he and Charles, were secretly working on. If this trip over the sea was anything to go by, he knew he was going to like it.

Manny and Katherine had been somewhat jovial on the outward journey, however returning, there was only one of them beaming. Katherine was silent, resentful and now…afraid. Afraid of the things now coming back to mind after their journey abroad…things said by her aunt.

Worried over the looks of sympathy on the faces of friends and associates; she didn’t have to be present to know what they were saying behind her back. Her only relief was that she wouldn’t live there to hear and see it everyday. But now she was heading into a life of the unknown, with a husband whom she knew didn’t love her. Even worse, she was at a loss of how to make it happen.

* * *

October, 1809

It was a rainy, damp, cool evening when they returned. Morris was jumping for joy when they arrived home a little earlier than originally planned.

As for Lena, the six months he was gone was more than her heart could take. She had so many plaguing emotions raging inside of her, the time in his absence was spent with her more in tears than not. She felt as if she’d cried more then, than she had her entire life. Fresh in her mind was the night after the wedding when he told her that she no longer had to worry about him bothering her. What he had to do, was not fair on her being left alone, and if she so desired…she could find another…she was free. It took everything within her not to let her knees crumble. She thought she would faint from the punch to the stomach. With her head spinning crazily, she had turned from him and left the room without a word. With every step she took her vision became more blurred from the gathering tears.

If she could just make it back to her cabin without anyone stopping her to ask if she was okay, she could keep it together. She made it to her cabin to find Johnnypoe, Leon and her son inside playing a stick game. One look at her and they stood keeping their heads down and left pulling Mike with them. She walked to her bed, crumbled and cried herself to sleep.

Now she could hear Leon calling that they were back. Shaking beyond control she rushed through her duties in the mansion so that she could quickly return to her cabin to be alone, not wanting to be anywhere near when they entered the mansion.

The excitement of their return was over, the hoopla had ended…and she’d stayed fastened up in her cabin the entire time, while everyone else ran up to welcome the newly weds back. She’d sat in her son’s bed against his headboard with him between her legs leaning back against her as she read to him. Her fingers gently stroking through his hair, it wasn’t long before his head became heavy against her breast.

Soon it was rolling to one side, straightening to roll again, until finally he was out. With care she lifted him over her leg and laid him down as she climbed from his bed. She was restless, not at all tired as she pulled the screen over the end of the cabin blocking her son’s bed from the rest of the room.

For the life of her, she couldn’t calm herself…her whole body shook and trembled from within at the thought of having to face him again. Not to mention, having to deal with his new wife, seeing her and knowing that Manny touched her, loved her, slept with her, laughed with her, married to her and no, no longer wanting her. Facing that, that he was no longer hers and that her time was up with him; her services no longer needed, still wrecked her from within. The aching had not eased with time, it was still there and even more so now that they were back to face each day. Unable to remember having done so, she found herself sitting at the vanity he’d given her long ago; sitting and looking into its tall mirror. She stared long and hard at herself. Not bothering to wipe away the tears as they made a steady stream down her face.

Her heart beat so hard and fast in her chest it actually hurt making her short of breath, trying to breathe - next thing she knew, she was sobbing. Covering her mouth…she tried to breathe deep and calm herself, she didn’t want to wake Mike now that he was sleeping. He had taken his father’s absence well, even though he had asked every so often - when would he be back…she could tell, that he too missed him. Especially on those days they were all alone in the cabin, a sadness enveloping him. She knew he wanted his father, but he never said a word about it. Ferrus, Leon and Jordan tried to keep him busy, so he had plenty to keep him occupied, even so, no one could replace his father.

Suddenly in his cloud of loneliness, he’d realize that his mother was lonely too, and he’d hug and kiss her, telling her that he loved her, and that she was the best mother in the whole wide world. He understood her pain somehow, and showed it every time she was in this mood. Sitting there, Lena prayed for an end of this misery she couldn’t shake; prayed for the strength to deal with what was to come, now that they were back. Some how, she had to find it in her to move on.

Manny lay in his bed looking over at his wife…the return had been much as he had expected, mostly everyone had come out to greet him in his return, patting him on the back and calling; “Welcome back Masta Manny, welcome back.” Morris had been waiting on the porch excited by his return so soon; making sure all welcomed the new Missus of Webster Fields.

He smiled to himself thinking about Kayleen, she was proper and hospitable, but that was all. He could feel her indifference towards Katherine, and figured she probably felt it as well.

Once they entered the mansion, Katherine was invited by Morris to have a seat and make herself comfortable. Right away he began questioning her about their trip. Patiently he sat through it all, but as sure as the sun rose he commented saying; “Well that’s all nice, and I’m glad to hear it…but more importantly…I wanna know when my grandchild is to be born!” Blurted as it was, it left Katherine gasping and stunned.

Manny fumed, “Can we not get in the door before you start dipping into matters that are none of your concern!?” An argument was on that Manny ended by saying, “We’re going to bed, it’s been a long trip, ending as a wet one…goodnight.”

Morris was immediately apologetic to Katherine, and then to his son. Manny decided to forget the whole incident and on the way up to bed, he turned to his father hugging him admitting, “Believe it or not…I missed you…I really did.” Morris beamed returning his son’s sentiment. Outside of his constant tendencies to pry and control his son’s life, he did love him…he was the only child he had.

Now, he lay in bed looking at the ceiling…he couldn’t sleep; his homecoming was incomplete, and unfulfilling. Lena had been nowhere to be seen among the others; but then, how could he have expected anything more? Nor had his son been there.
’She could have at least allowed me to see my son.’
He thought petulantly. He had no one else to blame but himself, he knew this… after all, how could she possibly leap into his arms in joy that he’d returned when beside him stood his wife.

Turning his head in bed he gazed at her once more as she lay there sleeping on her side away from him. She was a beautiful woman; her heavy, black, silky hair, flowing down her back and onto the bed; reaching almost to her waist. She was everything a man would want in a woman, reason he couldn’t understand his problem with her. Making love to her should have been a pleasure, yet it was an uncomfortable affair…he hadn’t been that way before. Before, Lena that is. The moment her name crossed his mind, it happened again, that old familiar feeling that gripped him every time he thought of her. The room suddenly felt stuffy as if he couldn’t breath. He rolled to his side and sat up. He sat there a few moments with his forehead resting in his palms staring at the dark floor. Taking a deep breath he turned to look at his wife, she was sleeping soundly, he turned back rising from the bed.