Program 13 Book One (10 page)

I knew what he meant, how he felt, but I couldn’t help him.

How could you explain to someone that sometimes it was not worth living in the past when the past was all that they had worth living for?

Hayden came back for me, but I was beginning to wish he hadn’t. He came back because he felt as though I didn’t have the chance to live, so he said. But I finally realized the reason he came back was the same reason
Colton
wanted to go back – to say goodbye. And he had.

He left me here alone.

I’d essentially lost my family twice, neither time by choice.

I existed solely because someone wanted me to. Whether it was Charles McVeigh or my brother, Hayden, I wasn’t alive for me. I was alive for everyone else. I died, and then McVeigh brought me back as a Program for his use. Hayden then brought me, Emile, back because he needed to say goodbye, to relieve his own pain.

I wanted to live, yes, but I also wanted control of my own life. And that was something that I would never have again. As long as Vesta Corp existed, I could never actually have control of my life. They’d keep searching for me. Thirteen meant something to them, and they weren’t going to allow me to overtake her – to overtake my body. When they found me, because they would, I would be gone. Emile wasn’t supposed to be alive. I was supposed to be nothing more than a hard drive stored away in a dark room. The life I was living now would end soon enough. Did
Colton
honestly want the same fate for his parents?

“They are alive, but they are Programs like me. They won’t remember you,
Colton
.” It pained me to see the look on his face as my words sank in.

“Couldn’t your brother help me, though? He brought you back!” He was pleading now.

“There’s something you need to understand. While I’m alive again - well as alive as I ever will be - my life is still fully in Vesta Corp’s control. I can never go back there because they will find me and deactivate me. As for my family? I cannot see them or else I’ll put them at risk, too.” I paused before continuing. “So to answer your question, no, Hayden can’t help us.”

He didn’t say a word. He just stood there, shaking.

“This is not a life that I would impose upon anyone voluntarily. No matter how much I may miss them. The only thing you can do is to move forward, to live your life,
Colton
.” As the words fell from my lips I realized just how cruel they were, but I didn’t have any other choice. He needed to know the truth. I didn’t want to hurt him, that was not my intention, but I couldn’t let him hold onto false hope either.

“What are you doing here, Emile?” he asked me.

“What do you mean?” I asked curiously. “I thought I already explained-”

“I mean, you’re so against me saving my parents that I’m beginning to wonder what you’re doing here exactly. Why do you choose to live this way if it isn’t an ideal way of living in your opinion?”

Colton
poised an excellent point, one that I hadn’t thought of before. My brother wasn’t around, and I wasn’t allowed near my family, so I was now living this way by choice. But why did I continue to allow myself to live this life if I despised it so much?

“I think it’s because I know that I still have a purpose,” I said. “At Vesta Corp, we were taught that we were created for a bigger purpose. I’d like to think that I still have a purpose now, albeit a far different one. One that is incredibly important to me.”

“And what’s your purpose?”
Colton
asked. “Would it happen to be me?”

“I’d have to say, yes, actually. Not even twenty-four hours ago you were trying to kill yourself. Now? You’re sitting here talking to me like you’re a different person. So yes, I would have to think that I have a purpose in your life, as crazy as it may sound.”

And oh, did it sound crazy. I barely knew this boy. Yet here I was trying to fix him, to save what was left of him. “
Colton
, you have to understand just how important your life is. You’re alive. You still have your entire life ahead of you. I can’t let you risk that when there is no guarantee that your parents will welcome you with open arms. Where we come from, it’s far different than the world out here. They won’t know you, assuming McVeigh intends on keeping them around.”

After all, adult Programs were far more common than teenage Programs, although I couldn’t tell him that.

He shook his head, not bothering to say a word.

For that, I was thankful.

I knew that
Colton
was hurting, but I also knew that he was finally beginning to listen. Even if he didn’t understand, he was at least making an effort to listen to what I was telling him. I took a stance beside him, listening as the sound of his beating heart filled the room. I closed my eyes, wanting to cry, and knowing very well that I couldn’t. There was so much that I was missing, so much that I didn’t bother to think about before.

My family. Tommy. College. All of it was gone now, and all I could wonder was if I’d ever have the chance to get that life back. Would I ever be able to see my family again? Would I ever experience what it felt like to love someone again? Would I ever be able to live as freely as I used to? The answer was clear: as long a Vesta Corp existed, no, I wouldn’t.

I stared blankly at the wall before me as
Colton
leaned his head onto my shoulder. As much as I wondered about what my life held in store, I had to focus on
Colton
. I needed to help him to learn to live, to start over. Sometimes the hardest part wasn’t letting go, but rather learning to start over.

14
MEMORIES

M
other
, I called as I saw her approaching me. She was smiling. Her arms were open wide as if she’d been waiting for me. My father and Hayden were walking behind her. They had their arms extended out to me. I could feel myself running, trying desperately to reach them, but I couldn’t. Every inch I moved, I pushed them farther away.

They were out of my reach, even in my dreams.

“Emile.”
Colton
was shaking me. “Are you okay?”

When I opened my eyes, I found him sitting beside me. I knew that the images weren’t real. They were a combination of past memories of my human life and thoughts pulled from Program Thirteen’s core. But they
felt
real. 

“Yes, I’m fine.”

I turned towards him, trying my best to appear as though everything was okay.
Hide it, Emile
, I kept telling myself. He needed to see that I was okay. He needed to believe that nothing was wrong. But I could feel it. Thirteen and I were beginning to fuse together as one. I wasn’t a scientist, but I was rather positive that shouldn’t be happening.

I couldn’t help but wonder where Hayden was and what he was doing.

If anyone would have an answer, it’d be him.

What are you doing, Emile?
I wanted to scream at myself because I knew that I was searching for a reason, any reason, to locate my brother. But this, this was something I needed help with. Program Thirteen and I should not be fusing together, but we were.

We were becoming one – one life, one being, and one unit.

Colton
was still staring at me, his eyes full of worry. “If you say so,” he said, not buying that I was okay. “But I still think something is wrong. If and when you’re ready to tell me, I’m here.” His gaze lingered on me questionably. I knew he wanted answers, but I wasn’t willing to provide them. Not yet.

Looking around the room, I realized that at some point during the night we’d made our way
to
the living room
,
as I was now lying on the couch. Much of the night was a blur, which seemed odd. As human as I seemed, I was still a Program
-
meaning I should be able to remember something. Standby mode was my way of sleeping, but I never had the opportunity to finish my session before
Colton
barged in the night before. So what happened?

Why was I lying on the couch and why couldn’t I recall the previous night?

“I wish these things came with instruction manuals,” I whispered, referring to Program Thirteen, which technically meant I was talking about myself.

Colton
looked up at me and laughed. “So, you want an instruction manual for what exactly, yourself?”

His words made me laugh as they fell from his lips. I didn’t need to explain it to him. He already knew what I’d meant without me ever saying a word.

“Yes, exactly,” I replied, trying to hold back laughter. “I wish I could truly show you what it’s like, what
this
is like, but I can’t. There’s still so much that even I don’t understand.” And it was the truth.

It wasn’t as simple as figuring out how a computer worked. I wasn’t just a computer program, I was a human merged with a Program. There were things I could do that humans couldn’t, but that also meant that I’d lose human abilities, too. What those were, I’d need to find out.

“You don’t need to explain yourself to me, Emile.” He reached out his hand, grabbing hold of mine. “I know that you’re not like me, though I wish you would have told me sooner, but I’m okay with that. I’m okay with that because the person that you are has been nothing short of amazing. How many strangers do you know that would take in a suicidal teen on a whim?” He laughed, pausing to
wait for
my reaction.

Seeing
Colton
laugh made this all worth it. I was glad to have taken the risk of allowing him into my world, much as I was glad that he’d welcomed me into his. We were a messed up pair the two of us, but together we were balanced.

“You know, I’m kind of glad that I met you,” I said, laughing softly. “Of course, I wish it were under difference circumstances, but hey, you’re alive, so that works for me.”

He shot me a glance before laughing hysterically. He was so happy, so carefree. It was as if I was just meeting him. Almost as if the boy I’d met yesterday wasn’t the same one I sat before right now.

“Hey, not to be a party pooper or anything, but do you mind if I ask you a more serious question?” His face tightened, the laughter slowly faded away. I nodded, not sure what it was he wanted to know. “Well, are you able to remember anything from your human life? I mean, completely remember.”

“
Colton
, if this is about your parents-” Before I could continue, he stopped me.

“It’s not about them, I swear. I was just curious how strong your memories are from your human life.”

Even though he swore it wasn’t about them, I was almost positive that it was. “My memories, while they are present, are not strong.” I closed my eyelids, trying to avoid eye contact with
Colton
. “I see things but only in bits and pieces.”

He was still staring at me, waiting for me to finish answering him. I knew what I wanted to tell him; I wanted to tell him about my memory from earlier – the one that I’d lied about. We were supposed to be over secrets and yet I was hiding something so small from him.

“For example," I said. "You know how this morning you needed to shake me? It was because I was experiencing a memory. It felt like I was there with them, my family, but no matter how much I tried to grab them, they were always out of my reach. It was a mixture of my memories of playing in the field with them and the memories I’d formed of them now. Now that I can’t actually see them, I keep distorting the memories in my mind subconsciously.”

Program Thirteen’s existence was altering my human memories. While they still existed, they were far from exact. I knew he’d hoped that my memories would’ve remained intact because he wanted to hope, if he’d ever managed to see his parents again, that they’d remember him. Problem was that I couldn’t lie and tell him that, not when my memories were being rebuilt now.

15
lost life

I
sat up on the couch, my eyes fixated on
Colton
. I knew I’d need to enter standby mode soon, and actually complete a session, but that could wait…for now. It had to.

“
Colton
.” His eyes shot up, searching the room for mine. “You told me about your family and how you lost them, but I don’t think you’ve really told me about you.”

‘What’s there to tell?” he asked, shrugging. “I’m far from interesting.”

I could feel my body starting to shut down. I wasn’t used to skipping standby mode. My body had become so used to a routine, so used to shutting down as scheduled. I was throwing my core into panic mode by forcing myself to run per normal.

Keep pushing
, I told myself,
just keep pushing
.

But it was too late.

I could feel my body slowly shutting down as everything around me became a blur. I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t find my voice. I wanted to throw my arms up, but they wouldn’t move. I was frozen and lacking the necessary energy to function properly.