Promise Me Darkness (31 page)

Gavin glanced over at Ryder, looking for approval. Ryder shook his head no, frustrating me all over again. I was tired of Ryder always getting what he wanted, bossing me around like he was my keeper.
He already had my heart, what more did he need?

“I’ll walk you back to the house, how about that?” Gavin said.

“I won’t bother you there, Maddie, I swear. But you have to promise me that you won’t go home. It’s not safe,” Ryder said, not hiding the threat behind his words.

I glared up at him. He was so scrumptious and irresistible that part of me wanted to promise him whatever he wanted but I stiffened my backbone. He already had gotten enough from me. I wouldn’t promise anything. My dad and I needed Janice and Roger but I was determined to do it on my own terms.

“I’ll stay with your parents but I don’t want to see you. Don’t touch me, don’t come near me, don’t talk to me. Just stay the hell away from me, Ryder.”

He studied me with pain–filled eyes, his mouth set in a grim line. Finally, he nodded once.

The tears fell faster down my face as I walked away. I just lost my best friend. The only man I ever loved. What was left of my heart was with him. I felt empty already.

Gavin kept a few feet behind me, not talking, just giving me space. I was glad. I just needed to be alone. My chest ached more and more with each step I took. I flicked a stray tear away. The hurting and utter destruction left by Ryder was killing me.
This must be what it felt like to have your heart broken by someone.

Finally, the house came into view. I needed to compose myself. I couldn’t let my dad see me this way. The last thing he needed was to worry.

Gavin broke the silence, his voice soft. “He’s an ass, Maddie. He doesn’t deserve you.”

I wanted to argue. Ryder deserved me, someone who knew every secret he had and still loved him. I accepted him. Tattoos, bad attitude and all. But no matter how much I loved him, it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t what he wanted.
Why couldn’t I fall in love with someone like Gavin?
Always a gentleman, Gavin offered a girl a future. He was not irritating, frustrating, and incapable of loving someone. But he was not Ryder.

“You want me to beat him up for you?” Gavin asked with a twinkle in his eye.

I couldn’t help but smile weakly. “Not today, Gavin, but I’ll let you know.”

“And there’s the Maddie that I know. I missed her,” he said, walking around me into the house.

I took a deep breath and followed him inside, ready to face my future without Ryder.

For two weeks, Ryder and I avoided each other. Often, I would hear him outside, working with his dad and Gavin but he never stepped foot inside the house. He ate all his meals at home and spent any free time there as well.

Every time I heard his voice through the open windows, pain would shoot through me. Not once did he attempt to see or talk to me. I wanted to ask Gavin if Ryder ever asked about me but I was terrified of what his answer might be.

No one questioned what happened between us. I’m positive that they knew but I was thankful not to have to talk about it. I couldn’t.

I lost plenty of sleep during those two weeks. Each night, instead of sleeping, I replayed the words he said and the passion we shared. I cursed myself for being such a fool. I cursed Ryder for being cold.

I cursed life.

During the day, Janice kept me busy. She taught me how to make bread from their stock of flour. We canned the last of the vegetables from her garden, getting what we could before winter hit. Wanting to conserve food, the men shot squirrels or deer for fresh meat. Occasionally, someone would go fishing. Our meals were cooked outside in a fire pit set into the ground. Showers were lukewarm, but at least I was clean. And the outhouse was finished so no more trips to the bushes, thank goodness.

Because of the Delaney’s, my father and I had food, water, supplies, and enough candles and lanterns to last a long time. Without them, I’m not sure my dad and I would still be alive.

My dad’s health declined rapidly in those two weeks. He had more trouble walking around and was losing weight quickly. To my horror, I watched his appetite slowly disappear over a matter of days. I refused to face the realization that he was dwindling away before my eyes and there was nothing I could do.

The only communication we had with the outside world came from the shortwave radio that Roger would listen to at night. The news was always the same — the government couldn’t get supplies to people, the military was spread thin, and millions were dying. Information about the war was nonexistent. We were in the dark, literally and figuratively.

~~~~

One sunny afternoon, I was walking out of the barn when Ryder’s Bronco pulled into the driveway. He jumped out and strolled purposely toward the house without seeing me in the barn doorway.

I froze. My heart raced and my nerve endings came alive for the first time in weeks. He looked wonderful in a white t–shirt, jeans, and scuffed cowboy boots. The ever–present baseball cap was pulled low, hiding his eyes from the glare of the sun. His smooth, freshly shaved jaw was clenched tight with tension. Something was on his mind.

After he went inside, I stood indecisive.
Should I go inside or wait until he was gone?
I hadn’t been in the same room with him in fourteen days. I wasn’t sure if I could hold up under the torment it would cause.

I chastised myself. I was a grown woman. No man (no matter how good looking and irresistible) was going to stop me from doing what I wanted.

Taking a deep breath, I strolled to the back door, giving myself a pep talk.
I’m strong. I can resist him. I’ll just act as if nothing is wrong.

Opening the door, I stepped into the large kitchen. The darkness of the room momentarily blinded me after being in the sunlight for so long.

When my eyes adjusted, I could see that everyone was there. In the far corner of the room stood Ryder, his arms crossed over his chest in a defensive manner. His blue eyes flicked over to me. I felt heat run through my body, unrelenting and powerful. His eyes slowly traveled down my body and back up to meet my eyes. After a second, he looked away, dismissing me without a second thought.

Against my better judgment, my body wanted him again with a passion and need that scared me. I tried to ignore him but my heart kicked into overdrive and I felt an uncontrollable yearning to be near him again.

“Well, let’s do this then,” Roger said on a sigh. “I’ll gather a few supplies and we can head out.”

They were leaving?
I frantically looked around for someone to tell me what was going on.

Janice answered my unspoken question. “The boys are going into town. There are some rumors that things have gotten bad there.”

“I’m going!” I said with urgency.

“NO!” Gavin and Roger responded at the same time.

“I have to make sure Eva is okay.”

“It’s not safe, Maddie. You’re staying here,” Gavin snapped with frustration.

My eyes moved to Ryder who was staring at the floor, clenching his strong jaw. He refused to look at me and that stung. A lot. I knew he was fuming right now but I didn’t care. My friends were out there, possibly starving. I wasn’t going to sit here and do nothing.

“I’m going. Don’t try to stop me.”

“Mom, talk some sense into your little protégé,” Gavin said with exasperation.

I bristled at his new pet name for me. He had decided it was funny because I was always following his mom around, trying to learn everything I could from her.

“I’m going,” I stated stubbornly, practically stomping my feet.

“No.”

Ryder’s voice was like a gunshot going off in the room, causing me to jump in fright. No one messed with Ryder when he sounded like that, including me.

Without looking at me, he walked over to the table and pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband. He laid it on the wooden table in front of his mom.

“For Maddie,” he said, his voice hard.

He started to walk away when he stopped and looked back at his mother. “And make sure she stays in the house while we’re gone.” With that, he walked out the door without a backward glance.

Gavin and Roger followed him out but I didn’t notice. I sat heavily in the nearest chair as the tears choked my throat. Ryder was having no trouble staying away from me.
This is what I wanted, wasn’t it?
I had told him to leave me alone and he was doing a damn good job of it. Too good.

“I’m sorry, honey. You know how overprotective they can be,” Janice said, taking a seat at the table and reaching over to pat my hand.

I nodded, fighting the tears. I had cried so much in the last few weeks that I was surprised I had anymore tears left.

“It’s okay,” my dad said, taking my other hand. He attempted to smile but the side of his mouth drooped, more pronounced than it had been a few days ago.

I forced a smile for him. He was all I had left. My dad had been strong for me my whole life. Now it was my turn to be strong for him. I took a deep cleansing breath and squeezed his hand reassuringly.

The three of us sat for a while and talked about what might be happening in town. Each night, we heard on the handheld radio horrible stories of people dying of thirst and hunger. Robberies were now a common occurrence and people were being shot for basic supplies. It was now a dog–eat–dog world that we lived in.

I worried. The men could be walking into a dangerous situation. They were armed to the hilt with rifles and pistols but that didn’t make me feel better.
What if something happened to Ryder?
No matter what he thought of me, I still loved him and living without him wasn’t a possibility.

Not wanting to upset my dad with my unhappiness, I told them I was going to take a nap. I was exhausted. At night, sleep wouldn’t come and during the day I felt like a zombie.

Sitting in Ryder’s old room that I now occupied, I looked around slowly. There was nothing in here that was mine except a small backpack and a few clothes hanging in the closet. I lay back on the bed and stared out the open window.

I suddenly wished I could go home. Some more clothes and maybe some books would be nice to have. Gavin and Roger had gone over there last week to make sure everything was okay but I hadn’t known or I would have insisted on tagging along also.

I wanted to see my home again. I needed to be surrounded by my own stuff. Maybe it would make me feel better.

From my window, I could see Roger’s truck sitting in the barn. I knew where the keys were and I knew it still had gas. Janice would try to stop me but I decided it was time I went home.

“Absolutely not, missy!” Janice said when I told her what I was going to do.

I checked the pistol to make sure it was loaded and the safety was on. Stuffing it into the back of my shorts, I met her terrified eyes.

“I’m not asking permission, Janice. I’m a grown woman and I make my own decisions,” I said, grabbing a bottle of water and putting it in my backpack.

“It’s too dangerous. There might be people traveling the roads and looking for supplies,” she pleaded, wringing her hands as she followed me around the kitchen.

“Yeah, well, I’m a good shot. Just ask your son. He taught me all I know,” I told her, grabbing the keys off of the key holder in the kitchen.

“Ryder will kill me for letting you go!”

I almost told her he had no control over me but I didn’t say anything. It wasn’t exactly true anyway. He did still have control over me — my heart and body responded to him just by hearing his name.

“I’ll go.”

Janice and I both turned around to see my dad leaning heavily on his cane inside the kitchen doorway.

“Dad…” I began. He was so weak that I wasn’t sure it was a good idea.

“Get mom’s things,” he said, quietly.

My heart softened at those words. He wanted to have my mother’s things. I realized that, like me, he just needed to go home.

“Okay, Dad, let me pull the truck to the porch and I’ll help you.”

“No, Maddie! You can’t go!” Janice cried, trying to step in front of the door.

I looked down, hiding my frustration from her and noticed that my cheap tennis shoes were barely hanging on my feet. I needed shoes and home had them.

Looking up, I recognized the scared expression on her face.
How many times had I looked like that when I thought of Ryder in danger?
The wrinkles on her face only emphasized her worry. I briefly thought of how much we had aged in the last few weeks. I might have been a silly college student when I left, but a woman had returned home.

“Janice, I need to go. Please?” I pleaded. My eyes shifted over to my dad, leaning heavily on his cane. “I don’t know how much time we have left.”

Her blue eyes, so much like Ryder’s, glanced at my dad. When she looked back at me, I saw her resolution.

“Okay, but be careful and remember to take the gun,” she said, pulling me close for a hug. As she tightened her arms around me, she whispered against my hair, “They are going to kill me, but I like your spunk.”

After helping my dad to the truck, I placed the backpack and the pistol between us on the old, worn–out seat. Within minutes, I was driving down the dirt road that would lead to our house. Tall weeds were starting to grow in the middle of the road, having free rein to travel wherever they pleased with the absence of cars. Within months, the road would be gone, just a thing of the past, at the mercy of nature and time.

“Maddie.”

I glanced over at my dad, trying not to cry at the weakness I saw in him.

“Ryder love you,” he said, watching me closely.

I shifted nervously in my seat. “No, Dad, he doesn’t love me,” I said, watching the road carefully.

“He told me.”

I looked over at him in shock, almost running off the road. I yanked the wheel to the left, righting the truck, and glanced at my dad again. He had a small smile on his face.

My mind went wild.
Why would Ryder tell my dad that he loved me when he didn’t?
I thought back to the day Ryder and I had fought, the day we stopped talking. I realized with sudden awareness that he had never denied loving me, he just said he didn’t fall in love. Such a tiny difference in words.
How could I have missed that?