Pulp (11 page)

“I know I won’t because I’m going you kill you!”

“Yeah,” said Cindy from the bed, “kill the filthy creep!”

I looked over.

“You stay out of this, Cindy, this is between the gentleman and myself.”

I looked at Billy.

“Right, Billy?”

“Right,” he answered.

Then he picked me up and hurled me across the room. I hit the wall and dropped to the floor.

“Billy,” I said, “let’s not let a big ass that half this town has been into cause hard feelings between us!”

Billy laughed and moved toward me.

Then it came to me. This guy was one of the space aliens. That’s why he hadn’t felt the bullet.

I got up and backed against the wall.

“I got your number, Billy!” I yelled.

He stopped. “Yeah, tell me about it.”

“You’re a space alien!”

Cindy laughed. “I told you this guy was a nut!”

I looked at Cindy. “This guy is nothing but a snake-like thing with fur and one big eye. He’s hiding in what appears to be a human body, but it’s a mirage.”

Billy just stood there looking at me.

“Where’d you meet this guy, Cindy?” I asked.

“At a bar. But I don’t believe your shit. He’s no space alien.”

“Ask him.”

Cindy laughed again. “O.k., Billy, are you a space alien?”

“Huh?” he answered.

“You see, you see!” I told Cindy.

Billy looked at her. “You gonna believe this nut?”

“Of course not, Billy. Now, go ahead, finish him off!”

“O.k., baby…”

Billy moved toward me. Then there was a flash of purple light in the room and Jeannie Nitro stood there.

“Jeannie,” said Billy, “I…”

“Shut up, you bastard!” said Jeannie.

“What the hell’s going on here?” Cindy asked, starting to get dressed. Billy was still balls-ass naked.

“You bastard,” said Jeannie, “I told you that there would be no fraternizing with the humans!”

“Baby, I couldn’t help myself, I got the hots. I was sitting in a bar one night and this number walked in.”

“Yours orders were No Sex with the Earthlings!”

“Jeannie, you know that you’re the one for me. It’s just that you’ve been busy and all…”

“You’ve had it, Billy!” She pointed her right hand toward him.

“No, Jeannie, no!”

There was a purple flash and instantly Billy was turned into a furry snake with one moist eye and began wriggling rapidly across the floor. Once again Jeannie’s right hand pointed at him, there was another flash and a roar and then Billy the space alien was gone.

“I can’t believe what I’ve seen!” said Cindy.

“Yeah,” I said, “I know.”

Then Jeannie looked at me. “Don’t forget, Belane, you’ve been selected for the Cause, the Cause of Zaros.”

“Yeah,” I said, “I can’t forget.”

Then there was a third flash of light and Jeannie was gone.

Cindy was now fully dressed but still in a state of shock.

“I can’t believe what I’ve seen here.”

“Baby, Jack hired me to clean up your mess and that’s what I’ve done.”

“I’ve got to get out of here!” she said.

“You do that. And don’t forget what I’ve got on this camcorder here. You stay in line or I turn it over to Jack.”

“All right,” she sighed, “you win.”

“I’m the greatest dick in L.A. You gotta know that now.”

“Look, Belane, I’ve got something I can give you for that camcorder.”

“Huh?”

“You know what I mean.”

“No, no, Cindy, you can’t buy me. Nice try, though.”

“Well, screw you, fat boy!” she said. She turned and walked toward the door. I watched those unbelievable haunches moving.

“Cindy!” I said, “wait a minute!”

She turned, smiling. “Yes?”

“Never mind. Go ahead…”

Then she was out the door.

I walked into the bathroom and relieved myself and I don’t mean I had a bowel movement. But I was a true professional. Another case solved.

The next day at the office I got Jack Bass on the phone.

“You still want to divorce Cindy, Jack?”

“I dunno. You got anything on her?”

“Let’s put it this way. The two gentlemen she had contact with are now dead.”

“Contact. What the hell do you mean by ‘contact’?”

“Jack, please, these guys are dead now, there was a Frenchman and a space alien.”

“A space alien? What kinda crap you feeding me?”

“No crap, Jack. We’ve been invaded by a few space aliens from Zaros. She met one of them in a bar. Pretty well-hung chap.”

“He’s dead now?”

“Yeah, him and the Frenchman, like I said.”

“You kill people?”

“Jack, these guys are gone. Cindy’s not going to play anymore.

You can relax.”

“How do I know she’s not going to play anymore?”

“Don’t worry. I got an ace. She’s not going to play.”

“You got something on your camcorder she doesn’t want me to see, is that it?”

“Maybe. Maybe not. Let’s just say I can nail her ass with this if she does.”

“But I want her to be with me because of me, not because of some blackmail.”

“Blackmail, schmackmail, Jack, she’s not going to play anymore.

I got rid of her contacts and she’s gonna keep her panties on. What more can you ask? Maybe she’ll even get to like you. Give her a chance to come around. She’s young, she needed a fling, what the hell.”

“With a space alien?”

“Be glad. Nobody will ever know who he was. It’s almost like it didn’t happen.”

“But it did. You say he was well-hung? How well-hung was he?”

“Hard to tell. He was working…”

“You watched?”

“I stopped it.”

“How about the Frenchman? Was he well-hung too?”

“Jack, both those guys are dead. Forget it. You’ll be getting my bill in the mail in a couple of days.”

“There’s something about all this that doesn’t rest well with me.”

“She’s not going to play anymore, Jack.”

“But suppose she does?”

“She won’t because she knows I can nail her ass.”

“There you go again. You weren’t banging her, were you?”

“Jack, Jack, Jack, please! I’m a professional.”

“And these guys are dead? How do I know this?”

“Jack, you’ll know by the way she behaves. Now stop worrying. You got anything else you want me to solve? I’m the best dick in L.A.”

“I don’t have anything right now.”

“O.k., Jack, have a nice day.”

“Sure, sure…”

I hung up.

I opened the desk drawer and got out the vodka, had a hit. Things were working out. Now all I had to do was to find the Red Sparrow.

And stop from getting too involved with the space aliens. Or Lady Death.

I had another hit of vodka. And allowed myself to feel all right.

For a while.

Next I got John Barton on the phone. He ran a printing company up north.

“Belane here, John…”

“Good to hear from you, Nick. How’s it going?”

“A little slow, John. I need some more information about this Red Sparrow.”

“Well, we want to make the Red Sparrow the logo of our company.

Make it really well known. But now I’ve heard there is another Red Sparrow out there somewhere. We need to find it if it’s there.”

“Is that all you’re going on?”

“Well, maybe also a…hunch…”

“You ever seen this Red Sparrow?”

“I hear that it’s been sighted.”

“You hear? You hear where?”

“Secret sources. I can’t divulge too much.”

“Suppose I find this bird? What do you want me to do? Cage it?”

“No, just get me some real evidence that it exists. To satisfy my curiosity.”

“Suppose I never find this bird?”

“You’ll find it if it’s there. I have faith in you.”

“Listen, this is the screwiest case I’ve ever been on.”

“I’ve always told the world that you were a great detective. You’ll prove it for me. You’ll find the Red Sparrow.”

“All right, John. I’ll work on it. But I’m not a kid anymore. I wake up tired. I think I’ve lost a few steps.”

“You’re in your prime. You can do it.”

“All right, John, I’ll give it a go…”

“Great!”

I put the phone down. Well, that was it. But where would I begin?

I decided to try the nearest bar.

It was around 3 p.m. I found a stool and sat down. The bartender came up. Lonely looking guy. Didn’t have any eyelids. Had little green crosses painted on his fingernails. Some kind of nut. There was no avoiding them. Most of the world was mad. And the part that wasn’t mad was angry.

And the part that wasn’t mad or angry was just stupid. I had no chance. I had no choice. Just hang on and wait for the end. It was hard work. It was the hardest work imaginable. I forced myself to look at the bartender.

“Scotch and water,” I said.

He just stood there.

“Scotch and water,” I repeated.

“Oh,” he said. Then he trotted off.

I saw her walk in out of the corner of my eye. Why do they say

“corner of the eye”? Eyes have no corners. Anyhow, I saw her walk in. An old friend. She took the stool to my right.

“Hello, sucker,” she said, “you buying?”

“Sure, baby.”

It was Lady Death.

“Hey, boy!” I yelled down at the barkeep, “make that two!”

“Huh?” he asked.

“Make that two scotch and waters, please.”

“Uh, o.k.,” he said.

“Whatcha been doin’, fat boy?” Lady asked.

“Solving cases, as per custom.”

“Meaning slow or never.”

“No, baby, no, you see, I’m the best dick in L.A.”

“That’s not saying much.”

“It beats churning butter left-handed.”

“Don’t sass me, fat boy, or I’ll take you out like a light bulb.”

“Sorry, baby, my nerves are shot. Maybe a drink will help.”

And there was the barkeep putting them down before us.

“What happened to your eyelids?” Lady asked him.

“My gas heater exploded this morning…”

“How ya gonna sleep tonight?”

“I’ll wrap a towel around my head.”

“Couldn’t you do that now?” I asked.

“Why?” he asked.

“Never mind…” I paid for the drinks.

I raised my drink. Lady lifted hers.

“Long life,” Lady said.

“Yeah, long life,” I said.

We clicked the glasses and drank.

I reordered…

We’d been sitting there about 30 minutes when somebody else walked in. Another woman. She walked around and sat herself on the stool to my left. Two women meant twice as much trouble as one woman. Now I had trouble on either side. I was in the vise. I was screwed.

The other woman was Jeannie Nitro.

I got the barkeep to make another scotch and water.

“Nicky,” she whispered, “I’ve got to talk to you. Who’s that bitch sitting with you?”

“You’d never guess,” I said.

Then Lady Death was whispering to me, “Who’s that bitch?”

“You’d never guess,” I said.

The drink came and Jeannie tossed it off.

“Well,” I said, “I guess it’s time for introductions…”

I turned to Lady Death.

“Lady, this is Jeannie Nitro…”

Then I turned to Jeannie.

“Jeannie, this is Lady…Lady…”

“Lady d’Heat,” Lady supplied.

They stared at each other.

Now this, I thought, could prove to be very interesting.

I waved the barkeep down for refills…

Here, basically, I was sitting between Space and Death. In the form of Woman. What chance did I have? Meanwhile, I was supposed to locate a Red Sparrow that maybe didn’t exist. I felt very odd about everything. I had never expected to get tangled up like this. I hardly understood the why of it. What could I do?

Play it cool, fool, came the answer.

O.k.

The drinks had arrived.

“Well, ladies, here’s to you!”

We clicked glasses and had a hit.

Why couldn’t I be just some guy sitting watching a baseball game?

Involved in the outcome. Why couldn’t I be a fry cook scrambling eggs and acting detached? Why couldn’t I be a fly on some person’s wrist, crawling along sublimely involved? Why couldn’t I be a rooster in a chicken pen pecking at seed? Why this?

Jeannie nudged me with her elbow, whispered, “Belane, I’ve got to talk to you…”

I put some bills on the bar. Then I looked at Lady Death.

“I hope this doesn’t piss you but…”

“I know, fat boy, you’ve got to talk to the lady alone. Why should that piss me? I’m not in love with you.”

“But you always seem to be hanging around me, Lady.”

“I hang around everybody, Nick, you are just more aware of me.”

“Yeah. Yeah.”

“Well, you helped me with Celine…”

“Yes, Celine…”

“So, I’ll leave you alone for a while with your lady. But only for a while. You and I have some unfinished business, so I’ll be seeing you.”

“Lady d’Heat, I have no doubt of that…”

She finished her drink and rose from her stool. She turned and walked toward the door. Her beauty was foreboding. Then she was gone.

The barkeep came down for his money.

“Who was that?” he asked. “I got kind of dizzy when she walked by.”

“Be glad you only felt dizzy,” I told him.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“If I told you, you wouldn’t believe it,” I said.

“Try me,” he said.

“I don’t have to. Now look, give me a little space here, I want to talk to this lady.”

“All right. But just tell me one thing.”

“O.k.”

“How come a fat ugly guy like you gets all the action?”

“It’s because of the buttermilk I put on my waffles. Now, get the hell out of here.”

“Don’t get fresh, buddy,” he said.

“You asked.”

“But you didn’t have to get nasty!”

“If you think that was nasty, just keep hanging around.”

“Fuck you,” he said.

“That was brilliant,” I said. “Now move off while you can.”

He slowly moved down to the end of the bar, stood there a moment, then scratched his ass.

I turned back to Jeannie.

“Sorry, baby, but I seem to get into these negative dialogues with almost every bartender I meet.”