Pulse (5 page)

‘Most mornings. The throat. The dry nose. The chest.’

‘And the way it was clearly separable from the booze hangover you often had at the same time.’

‘Booze makes you loose, fags make you tight.’

‘Eh?’

‘Smoking constricts the blood vessels. That’s why you could never start the day with a decent crap.’

‘Was that why?’

‘Speaking as a non-doctor, that was your problem.’

‘So we’re back where we began?’

‘Which is where?’

‘The inverted plastic bag and –’

‘Dick, now we really
are
going.’

But we didn’t. We stayed, and talked some more, and decided that Obama would beat McCain, that the Conservatives were only temporarily indistinguishable from the Labour Party, that al-Qaida would certainly attack the 2012 Olympics, that in a few years Londoners would start getting nostalgic about bendy buses, that in a few decades vineyards would once again be planted along Hadrian’s Wall as in Roman times, and that, in all probability, for the rest of the life of the planet, some people somewhere would always be smoking, the lucky buggers.

Sleeping with John Updike

‘I
THOUGHT THAT
went very well,’ Jane said, patting her handbag as the train doors closed with a pneumatic thump. Their carriage was nearly empty, its air warm and stale.

Alice knew to treat the remark as a question seeking reassurance. ‘
You
were certainly on good form.’

‘Oh, I had a nice room for a change. It always helps.’

‘They liked that story of yours about Graham Greene.’

‘They usually do,’ Jane replied with a slight air of complacency.

‘I’ve always meant to ask you, is it true?’

‘You know, I never worry about that any more. It fills a slot.’

When had they first met? Neither could quite remember. It must have been nearly forty years ago, during that time of interchangeable parties: the same white wine, the same hysterical noise level, the same publishers’ speeches. Perhaps it had been at a PEN do, or when they’d been shortlisted for the same literary prize. Or maybe during that long, drunken summer when Alice had been sleeping with Jane’s agent, for reasons she could no longer recall or, even at the time, justify.

‘In a way, it’s a relief we’re not famous.’

‘Is it?’ Jane looked puzzled, and a little dismayed, as if she thought they were.

‘Well, I imagine we’d have readers coming to see us time and again. They’d expect some new anecdotes. I don’t think either of us has told a new story in years.’

‘Actually, we
do
have people coming to see us again and again. Just fewer than … if we were famous. Anyway, I think they like hearing the same stories. When we’re on stage we’re not literature, we’re sitcom. You have to have catchphrases.’

‘Like your Graham Greene story.’

‘I think of that as a bit more than a … catchphrase, Alice.’

‘Don’t prickle, dear. It doesn’t suit.’ Alice couldn’t help noticing the sheen of sweat on her friend’s face. All from the effort of getting from taxi to platform, then platform to train. And why did women carrying rather more poundage than was wise think floral prints were the answer? Bravado rarely worked with clothes, in Alice’s opinion – at least, after a certain age.

When they had become friends, both were freshly married and freshly published. They had watched over each other’s children, sympathised through divorces, recommended each other’s books as Christmas reading. Each privately liked the other’s work a little less than they said, but then, they also liked everyone else’s work a little less than they said, so hypocrisy didn’t come into it. Jane was embarrassed when Alice referred to herself as an artist rather than a writer, and thought her books strove to appear more highbrow than they were; Alice found Jane’s work rather formless, and at times bleatingly autobiographical. Each had had a little more success than they had anticipated, but less, looking back, than they thought they deserved. Mike Nichols had taken an option on Alice’s
Triple Sec
, but eventually pulled out; some journey-man from telly had come in and made it crassly sexual. Not that Alice put it like this; she would say, with a faint smile, that the adaptation had ‘skimped on the book’s withholdingness’, a phrase some found baffling. Jane, for her part, had been second favourite for the Booker with
The Primrose Path
, had spent a fortune on a frock, rehearsed her speech with Alice, and then lost out to some fashionable Antipodean.

‘Who did you hear it from, just out of interest?’

‘What?’

‘The Graham Greene story.’

‘Oh, that chap … you know, that chap who used to publish us both.’

‘Jim?’

‘Yes, that’s right.’

‘Jane, how can you possibly forget Jim’s name?’

‘Well, I just did.’ The train blasted through some village halt, too fast to catch the signboard. Why did Alice need to be so stern? She wasn’t exactly spotless herself. ‘By the way, did you ever sleep with him?’

Alice frowned slightly. ‘You know, to be perfectly honest, I can’t remember. Did you?’

‘I can’t either. But I suppose if you did, then I probably did as well.’

‘Doesn’t that make me sound a bit of a tart?’

‘I don’t know. I thought it made
me
sound more of a tart.’ Jane laughed, to cover the uncertainty.

‘Do you think it’s good or bad – the fact that we can’t remember?’

Jane felt back on stage, facing a question she was unprepared for. So she reacted as she usually did there, and referred the matter back to Alice: the team leader, head girl, moral authority.

‘What do
you
think?’

‘Good, definitely.’

‘Why?’

‘Oh, I think it’s best to have a Zen approach to that sort of thing.’

Sometimes, Alice’s poise could make her rather too oblique for ordinary mortals. ‘Are you saying it’s Buddhist to forget who you slept with?’

‘It could be.’

‘I thought Buddhism was about things coming round again in different lives?’

‘Well, that would explain why we slept with so many pigs.’

They looked at one another companionably. They made a good team. When they were first asked to literary festivals, they soon realised it would be more fun to appear as a double act. Together they had played Hay and Edinburgh, Charleston and King’s Lynn, Dartington and Dublin; even Adelaide and Toronto. They travelled together, saving their publishers the cost of minders. On stage, they finished one another’s sentences, covered up each other’s gaffes, were satirically punitive with male interviewers who tried to patronise them, and urged signing queues to buy the other one’s books. The British Council had sent them abroad a few times until Jane, less than entirely sober, had made some unambassadorial remarks in Munich.

‘What’s the worst thing anyone’s done to you?’

‘Are we still talking bed?’

‘Mmm.’

‘Jane, what a question.’

‘Well, we’re bound to be asked it sooner or later. The way everything’s going.’

‘I’ve never been raped, if that’s what you’re asking. At least,’ Alice went on reflectively, ‘not what the courts would call rape.’

‘So?’

When Alice didn’t answer, Jane said, ‘I’ll look at the landscape while you’re thinking.’ She gazed, with vague benignity, at trees, fields, hedgerows, livestock. She had always been a town person, and her interest in the countryside was largely pragmatic, a flock of sheep only signifying roast lamb.

‘It’s not something … obvious. But I’d say it was Simon.’

‘Simon as in the novelist or as in the publisher or as in Simon but you don’t know him?’

‘Simon the novelist. It was not long after I was divorced. He phoned up and suggested coming round. Said he’d bring a bottle of wine. Which he did. When it became pretty clear that he wasn’t going to get what he’d come for, he corked up the rest of it and took the bottle home.’

‘What was it?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, was it champagne?’

Alice thought for a moment. ‘It can’t have been champagne because you can’t get the cork back into the bottle. Do you mean was it French or Italian or white or red?’

Jane could tell from the tone that Alice was riled. ‘I don’t know what I meant actually. That’s bad.’

‘What’s bad? Not remembering what you meant?’

‘No, putting the cork back in the bottle. Really bad.’ She left an ex-actress’s pause. ‘I suppose it might have been symbolic.’

Alice giggled, and Jane could tell the moment had only been a hiccup. Encouraged, she put on her sitcom voice. ‘Got to laugh after a bit, haven’t you?’

‘I suppose so,’ replied Alice. ‘It’s either that or get religion.’

Jane might have let the moment pass. But Alice’s reference to Buddhism had given her courage, and besides, what are friends for? Even so, she looked out of the window to confess. ‘Actually, I’ve got it, if you want to know. A little, anyway.’

‘Really? Since when? Or rather, why?’

‘A year or two. It sort of makes sense of things. Makes it all feel less … hopeless.’ Jane stroked her handbag, as if it too needed consolation.

Alice was surprised. In her world view, everything
was
hopeless, but you just had to get on with it. And there wasn’t much point changing what you believed at this late stage of the game. She considered whether to answer seriously or lightly, and decided on the latter.

‘As long as your god allows drinking and smoking and fornication.’

‘Oh, he’s very keen on all of those.’

‘How about blasphemy? I always think that’s the key test when it comes to a god.’

‘He’s indifferent. He sort of rises above it.’

‘Then I approve.’

‘That’s what he does. Approves.’

‘Makes a change. For a god, I mean. Mostly they disapprove.’

‘I don’t think I’d want a god who disapproved. Get enough of that in life anyway. Mercy and forgiveness and understanding, that’s what we need. Plus the notion of some overall plan.’

‘Did he find you or you find him, if that makes sense as a question?’

‘Perfect sense,’ replied Jane. ‘I suppose you could say it was mutual.’

‘That sounds … comfy.’

‘Yes, most people don’t think a god ought to be comfy.’

‘What’s that line? Something like: “God will forgive me, it’s his job”?’

‘Quite right too. I think we’ve overcomplicated God down the ages.’

The sandwich trolley came past, and Jane ordered tea. From her handbag she took a slice of lemon in a plastic box, and a miniature of cognac from the hotel minibar. She liked to play a little unacknowledged game with her publishers: the better her room, the less she pillaged. Last night she had slept well, so contented herself with only the cognac and whisky. But once, in Cheltenham, after a poor audience and a lumpy mattress, she was in such a rage that she’d taken everything: the alcohol, the peanuts, the chocolate, the bottle opener, even the ice tray.

The trolley clattered away. Alice found herself regretting the days of proper restaurant cars with silver service and white-jacketed waiters skilled at delivering vegetables with clasped fork and spoon while outside the landscape lurched. Life, she thought, was mostly about the gradual loss of pleasure. She and Jane had given up sex at about the same time. She was no longer interested in drink; Jane had stopped caring about food – or at least, its quality. Alice gardened; Jane did crosswords, occasionally saving time by filling in answers which couldn’t possibly be right.

Jane was glad Alice never rebuked her for taking a drink earlier than some. She felt a rush of affection for this poised, unmessy friend who always made sure that they caught their train.

‘That was a nice young man who interviewed us,’ said Alice. ‘Properly respectful.’

‘He was to you. But he did that thing to me.’

‘What thing?’

‘Didn’t you notice?’ Jane gave a sigh of self-pity. ‘When he mentioned all those books that my latest reminded him of. And you can’t very well say you haven’t read some of them or you’ll look like an ignoramus. So you go along with it and then everyone assumes that’s where you got your ideas from.’

Alice thought this unduly paranoid. ‘They weren’t thinking that, Jane. More likely they were writing him down as a show-off. And they loved it when he mentioned
Moby-Dick
and you put your head on one side and said, “Is that the one with the whale?”’

‘Yes.’

‘Jane, you’re not telling me you haven’t read
Moby-Dick
?’

‘Did it look as if I hadn’t?’

‘No, not at all.’

‘Good. Well, I wasn’t exactly lying. I saw the film. Gregory Peck. Was it good?’

‘The film?’

‘No, the book, silly.’

‘Since you ask, I haven’t read it either.’

‘Alice, you’re such a
friend
, you know.’

‘Do you read those young men everyone’s going on about?’

‘Which ones?’

‘The ones everyone’s going on about.’

‘No. I think they’ve got quite enough readers already, don’t you?’

Their own sales were holding up, just about. A couple of thousand in hardback, twenty or so in paper. They still had a certain name-recognition. Alice wrote a weekly column about life’s uncertainties and misfortunes, though Jane thought it would be improved by more references to Alice’s own life and fewer to Epictetus. Jane was still in demand when radio programmes needed someone to fill the Social Policy/Woman/Non-Professional/Humour slot; though one producer had firmly added ‘BIM’ to her contact details, meaning ‘Best in Morning’.

Jane wanted to keep the mood going. ‘What about the young women everyone’s going on about?’

‘I suppose I pretend a little more to have read them than with the boys.’

‘So do I. Is that bad?’

‘No, I think it’s sisterly.’

Jane flinched as a great wind-blast from a train going in the opposite direction suddenly rocked them. Why on earth did they put the tracks so close together? And instantly her head was full of helicopter news-footage: carriages jackknifed – they always used that verb, making it sound the more violent – trains strewn at the bottom of embankments, flashing lights, stretcher crews and, in the background, one carriage mounting another like mating metal. Quickly her mind ran on to plane crashes, mass slaughter, cancer, the strangling of old ladies who lived alone, and the probable absence of immortality. The God Who Approved of Things was powerless against such visions. She tipped the last of the cognac into her tea. She must get Alice to distract her.