Pulse (Contemporary new adult/college romance) (Club Grit Trilogy) (13 page)

“Do you want a brownie? They’re gluten free, vegan, and organic, obviously,” offered the girl I’d been a bit intimidated by at first. Skylar’s friends weren’t the kind that first impressions did justice. I felt guilty for judging her for her appearance choices. It hadn’t been my place at all, and even though she had no idea I had those kinds of negative thoughts about her as she talked with Skylar more naturally than I ever could have, I had no right to be a bitch. Skylar deserved better than that. Deserved better than me.

“I’m new here too. I’m Lianna, Jared’s sister, visiting from Portland. You’re with Skylar, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess you could say that. Well, I kind of came here, uninvited, to give him back his keys, but I stayed to listen to the band.” It was kind of true. I just happened to find the excuse to come here after I’d already arrived.

“He’s one hot piece of ass, ha-ha,”

“Way to sexualize the male gender you misandrist scum,” joked Darla, whose name was one I didn’t think was actually hers but a nickname she chose to be ironic. I had no idea what she was talking about, just that their brownies tasted like sand. I didn’t spit them out though. Unlike the food I was used to eating BS (Before Skylar), at least it was real.

“Was that song about you?” asked Lianna.

Before I could answer, Jaelle, the pierced up girl, answered for me. “Oh, no, honey, Jared didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?” asked Lianna. She was closer to the group. She was blood, not just some girl that Skylar had been housing and wasn’t even dating him properly.

“Skylar dated a girl from the nightclub he worked at before Club Grit. She was a bottle service girl and he was a bouncer, obviously. However, something...happened. She’s gone now,” she said, looking at her empty can of Pabst and crushing it lightly between her noticeably bare fingers. I’d spent so much time with Omega Mu that I still gave a shit about manicures even when somebody’s dead girlfriend was being discussed. A girlfriend Skylar had never mentioned.

“Oh, that sucks,” said Lianna. It wasn’t really the most complex of reactions but really, what else was there to say?

Jaelle sighed. “Yeah, Skylar’s...Skylar’s never really been the same since. I’ve known him since high school, we’re both townies, and he knew Sandra, his ex, from middle school. They were going out when we met freshman year. But, after high school...well, people change.”

“Change how?”

“Well, you know Skylar’s a straight edge, right? So am I, but obviously, not everyone here is,” she said cocking her head to point at Darla who held up her PBR. “We don’t push our beliefs on anyone but Skylar and I both came from the same kind of family, the kind that had substance abuse issues. Luckily, my parents were able to afford to send me through college as a way to get rid of me and I’m finishing up my doctorate program in women’s studies right now, but Skylar had to work on and off. He used to work in construction and was getting a welding certification on the side while going to class, but the hours were exhausting and he had to go to night school, plus, the pay wasn’t as good as what he was offered at Club Grit, so he took it.”

“But what happened to Sandra?”

“Sandra, right. So, what happened with Sandra was now that her boyfriend was a bouncer, she started to drink more heavily. She also started to do more drugs. Pills, powders, herbs, you name it, that’s what she was into. It started to become a real problem, where she wasn’t doing it for fun but because she had to, because she had an addiction. “

“Obviously, Skylar tried to stop her,” interjected Darla. Apparently everyone knew this story but me. “One night, he brought her home early from the Club after asking his boss to ban her from Grit. Skylar was hoping that’d stop the self-destructive cycle she was caught in but when she got back to the apartment, they had a huge fight. She was throwing plates, packing her bags, it was nuts. Anyway, she left in a fit and Skylar ran after her. He wasn’t fast enough. She’d been impatient and walked into the street to get to a cab, but obviously, you don’t just walk into the streets of LA.”

“She got hit by a bus and died,” interrupted Lianna, obviously wanting to skip this part of Skylar’s darkest story.

“Skylar still blames himself for the events of that night. He thinks that if he had been nicer, she wouldn’t have left and been hit by the car. So, in a lot of ways, he’s looking for redemption. He’s looking for someone to save.”

“Are...are you sure you should be telling me all this?”

“The way Skylar talks about you? Yeah, I should. We’ve been best friends since high school and closer since Sandra’s death, I know all about you two,” she said with a laugh.

“And you’re...you’re not mad? About the things I’ve done?”

“Implying I haven’t done those kinds of things before when I was your age? I’m not that much older than you but a few years makes a world of difference sometimes.”

“So...why didn’t you and Skylar ever date?” I had to ask. They seemed so perfect for each other. Both townies, both straight edges, and best friends to boot? I had none of that with Skylar. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t at least a little bit jealous.

“Skylar’s...not exactly my type,” said Jaelle. Lianna and Darla laughed. I was missing something.

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t know you were – ” Lesbian? At least that’s what I was going to say until Lianna and Darla practically hooted with laughter.

“And I’m not that either. I’m neither. I’m asexual, aromantic. I don’t want to have sex with anyone nor have any romantic connection with anyone. Trust me. I tried, for Skylar, but it would have never worked out because I just couldn’t get myself to see him as anything more than my best friend. I’m no threat to you, Emma,”

“I...I didn’t think you were.”

“You’re the biggest threat but in a way, I think he sees you as his redemption. He failed to save Sandra, but you? He can still try and save you, from yourself. If you do what Sandra does, Skylar might never recover. He’d never be the same again, losing two girlfriends.”

“Oh, I don’t think I count as his girlfriend...”

“Then what would you call it?”

I had no idea.

The boys came back and we all went to a food truck, not the fancy kitschy kind from Rodeo Drive but an honest to goodness taco truck, and ordered fish burritos and washed them down with Jarritos. I’d never had tamarind flavored anything and it was weird but went well with the food. Although some people drank and some smoked, none to excess and nobody did any hard drugs. Skylar didn’t drink or smoke, obviously, and he didn’t care that the others did, so why was he so protective over my health?

But soon, Skylar whispered into my ear, “Do you want to get out of here?”

Of course I did. It was starting to feel a little bit crowded. So, we said goodbye to everyone and hailed a cab. He told the cabbie where he wanted to go by whispering in his ear, and the cabbie rolled his eyes.

Skylar and I sat in the back with his guitar in its case in the trunk, taking care not to be that gross couple in the back of cabs you see and think, “that’ll never be me”. Because that wouldn’t be us: we were different.

“Do you know where we’re going yet?” he teased as we exited the city.

“No, where?”

“You’ll have to wait and see.”

I didn’t look out the window and ruin my own surprise.

But it wasn’t anything I’d ever expect, as Skylar led me out of the cab, hands over my eyes.

It was the Hollywood sign.

As in,
the
Hollywood sign.

HOLLYWOOD was written, in all capital letters, across the hills in wooden signs painted white.

In all the months that I’d been here, I’d never made my way up here, even though I’d promised myself as a kid, that one day, when I got to Southern California, I’d make it here. This was the closest thing to a religious pilgrimage I’d ever had and somehow Skylar had known I needed to come here, without me ever telling him about that promise Past Emma had made to Present Emma and Future Emma, because maybe, he was my Forever Skylar.

This was the sign that symbolized what Cali was supposed to be for me: a land where I’d become someone. Where I’d discover myself.

“I came here on a school trip when I was a kid, and when I grew up, I came as often as I could, with the people I found most special,” Skylar explained, as we walked to sit down next to the O’s and peer out over the city. “This is my favorite spot in all of Los Angeles. I haven’t been here in a long time.”

“Since...Sandra?”

“Actually, yeah. So, I’m guessing Jaelle told you about her?”

“Yeah, I didn’t know...is that  what the tattoo’s for?”

“Yup. I never thought that’d be the reason I’d be getting her name tattooed on me. We’d been together for so long and it was supposed to be a surprise for her on my birthday. I hadn’t got it done sooner because I had never felt that way about anyone before, and I wanted it to be special, as special as her, as special as what we had,”

I looked out at the city, gleaming and sparkling as if a thousand stars had fallen from the sky and all formed a nest together, a star nest that housed thousands of us like minded spirits, all fallen angels looking to find our own nest, to make our way back into heaven. I hadn’t had anything to drink but I was still intoxicated, by the way Skylar was opening up to me and making me feel emotions I’d tried to put away, emotions I’d knew would hurt me if I wasn’t careful, but with Skylar? I knew I could be careful, but also take a risk, that I could tell him,“You know, I’ve never...had anything like that. Until I met you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. You’re not like any guy I’ve ever met.”

“Then maybe you’re meeting the wrong guys.”

“Or maybe, I’ve met the right one.”

S
KYLAR PULLED ME IN CLOSE, and in that moment, there was no Los Angeles.

There was no Hollywood.

There was no Beverly Hills.

There was no Earth, no space, no universe.

Just us.

Two lovers.

“Skylar, I—,” I started. But I stopped myself.

“What is it, Emma?” he asked, taking my chin in the crook of two fingers and lifting it up to his, his eyes sparkling in the night, reflecting the lights of the cities and the stars.

“I just...It’s so hard, you know?”

“Being clean?”

“Yeah.”

“I guessed. I’m sorry I got so mad before. I just want you to get better, you know?”

“I do too.”

“You know, you were clean tonight.”

“And for the last week, well, since...”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Really. And it’s pretty weird and that makes me feel..”

“Weak? Vulnerable?”

“Yeah, how did you know?”

“I'm pretty scared. All the time. And sometimes it makes playing and writing the music easier. Because when I write? I get to pour that into my work. I get to take pain and angst and the unreasonable emotions that come with being young and vulnerable, as tough as I try to pretend I am, and I get to sell it, in the form of the albums, the shows. We all hurt, we all feel pain. But most people don't sell their pain. They don't bottle it up and sell it. They just bottle it up inside of them. And it stays there, inside of them, and it eats them up and that’s it. That’s all that they end up becoming, a bottle of pain.”

“Skylar...”

“You don’t have to say it. Sandra. I know. But I’m dealing with it, trust me. I’m not about to become like my parents. I’m going to make different mistakes, not their mistakes.”

I didn’t know what to say.

So I didn’t say.

I just did.

I kissed Skylar, deeper than I’d kissed him before, the tears on his cheeks and mine mixing into a salty messy. I didn’t care if my eye liner and mascara was running, I didn’t care if it wasn’t cute, because life wasn’t always cute, it wasn’t always macarons and mimosas. Sometimes, life was messy and ugly and sometimes, life was more than appearances.

Skylar pulled back. “Are...are you sure you want to do this?”

“Do what, have sex with you?”

“Wait, what?”

“Yeah, I’ve been sober for a week...remember?”

“Here?”

“Yeah, is that an issue?”

Skylar laughed. “I just never took you for that type, Emma. The type that would want to have sex under the Hollywood sign, outdoors, on the ground, in the middle of the night, instead of maybe in a sorority house with a frat boy. But you’re sure?”

“Yes, Skylar, I’m positive!” I said, and I started to unbutton my shirt, but this time, Skylar was the one to stop me with a kiss.

“Let me...m’lady,” he said, and I laughed. Fuck, he knew how much I hated it when guys did that stuff and he wasn’t about to let me forget. He unbuttoned my shirt with ease and pulled it out of my plain jeans while I slipped off my shoes with ease. One fell down the hill. Crap. I sent the other to join it, because there was no getting them back in the dark. They had been claimed by Cali, Cali Forn-i-a.

“Wait, you have a condom, right?”

“Better yet, IUD and test results. Clean.”

“Great.” Skylar really did trust me. I did get the results and they were clean, but I hadn’t shown him. When exactly is the appropriate time to show off that sort of thing?

We unbuttoned each other’s clothes. Unlike before, where we’d had the lights in the apartment to help us, we only had the stars and the lights of the city now. This was our own private Eden, a forbidden paradise we were exploring together, a place where there was nobody but us, and everybody was elsewhere, where we could finally be alone, with only each other and our bodies for company and comfort.

I unbuttoned Skylar’s flannel shirt, so soft from so many washes, with colors that had bled so that the plaid pattern was a mess of black and browns and greys, and I made my way down to his pants while he took his shirt off. I found his member, rock  hard, and ready for me to suck.

I’d wanted to do this since the first time I’d seen him nude. This was his most vulnerable spot, the part he hadn’t had tattooed with anything and probably never would, the only part of Skylar he hadn’t changed. He’d changed so much about himself trying to get away from what his parents had become, but he hadn’t changed this.