Puppet Wrangler (10 page)

And it was only one little trip to the mall, right?

³⁹
Yeah, right.

⁴⁰
Not as smart as he thought he was of course.

⁴¹
He had no idea how funny he was.

⁴²
There was no other place for them. Good thing he was so flexible.

24
THIS IS HOW IT WORKS.

That was the plan. One little trip. But, well…

But, well, a lot of things.

For starters, Kathleen actually wanted to spend time with me now. I guess she needed a break from
Bitsie 'n' Bytesie
— especially the money problems—so we started to go out to dinner quite a bit. Sometimes we'd talk about Mum as a kid or the season's hot paint colors or how old I'd have to be to get blond highlights, but mostly we just talked about ideas for a new series.

Kathleen was desperate to come up with a home decorating show. At first I thought that was just because she wasn't happy doing kids' TV. Which of course she wasn't. But then she explained how the television business works. She figured if she was lucky,
Bitsie 'n' Bytesie
would be renewed for one more year and they'd make twenty-six new episodes. That would mean she'd have enough shows “in the can” to sell the series to other countries and, hopefully, make enough money to pay for all the budget overruns.

I figured, so what's the hurry? She had a whole year to come up with a new show idea.

Wrong.

That's not how it goes. Kathleen said it takes at least a year to get a new series up and running.

More likely two.

Often three.

Or even five.

That's because first you have to come up with an idea, and then you have to find a television channel that likes it.

You have to get sample scripts written so they can see if it's really what they want. And you have to find a whole bunch of people to lend you money to get the show made. Then in the end, after you've done all that work, the people at the TV channel can just say, “Ah…no thanks. We changed our mind.” And you have to start all over again.

If Kathleen didn't come up with a good idea soon, she could have a couple of years when she wasn't earning anything.

Zero.

Zip.

Nothing.

Having gone shopping with her, I knew how much she needed to make a lot of money. Kathleen was way past the stage where a secondhand Queenburger and a pink sweater would satisfy her.

That's why she was even willing to pay someone else for a series idea. She was actually ready to “buy” an idea and then produce it herself. Writers were coming to her all the time with proposals for shows, but nothing was really right.

She almost bought a series idea about basement apartments called “The Lowest of the Low.” She looked at one called “Colors of Contentment” that sounded a lot like mind control to me. The guy said he could make people happier just by painting their rooms the right color and drugging them.
⁴³

And I had to literally beg her not to pay this lady $5000
⁴⁴
for a show called—wait for it—“Doorknobs.” Kathleen actually thought a thirteen-part series on the history of doorknobs would be interesting.

Like I said, she was getting desperate.

Of course, every time I went out for dinner with Kathleen, Bitsie would get all jealous again. He'd pout. He wouldn't talk to me.

Or worse, he wouldn't stop talking to me. About what a babe I thought I was in my new “aren't-I-fabulous” capris.

About how I must be too good for him now that I dined with Ka-th-leen all the time. About what a phony I was.

I tried not to let it bother me. I knew he was only saying that stuff because his feelings were hurt. I knew we were still friends.

So I took him to the mall a couple of times to make up for going out with Kathleen. Then, of course, I had to take him to the mall again when he caught me smiling because Nick said my shoes were cool. And again when Zola asked me if I'd like to spend a weekend at her cabin sometime.

Once I was carrying Ram's double up to the set and I tripped. Everyone had to wait a second while I rubbed my shin. Mel must have felt sorry for me because he didn't go ape about all the time I was wasting.

To me, that almost proved Mel was human. To Bitsie, it proved Mel was my new boyfriend.

So I took him to the mall again.

I'd like to say those were the only times we went shopping, but they weren't. We started going practically every night that Kathleen had a meeting. The unhappier Bitsie was, the meaner it seemed not to just take him. I mean, I always made an effort to go out with Kathleen because I knew she was unhappy. Why wouldn't I do the same thing for Bitsie? He hated his work too.

Can you blame him? You must have a pretty good idea what Bitsie's like by now. Take a look at this script. Does it sound like Bitsie to you?

⁴³
I'm just joking about the drugging part. He was serious about the painting though. If that were true, I could have just painted Bess's room Cotton Candy pink, and life would sure have been a lot easier.

⁴⁴
Yes. Five thousand dollars.

25
EPISODE 10:
BITSIE'S BIG SURPRISE.

BITSIE IS OUTSIDE THE BEACH HOUSE TALKING
TO A STARFISH A ROCK AND A BARNACLE LYING
ON THE SAND IN FRONT OF HIM.

BITSIE
Hello, Starfish! Hello, Rock! Hello, Barnacle!
So who wants to go swimming in the cybersea with me?

NOBODY ANSWERS HIM. BITSIE LOOKS
CONFUSED.

BITSIE (to himself, sadly)
How come nobody wants to play with me?
Hmmm. Maybe they're just shy.

BITSIE TURNS BACK TO THE STARFISH,
ROCK AND BARNACLE.

BITSIE (sweetly, so as not to scare them)
You don't have to be shy of me.
I'm not the itsiest-Bitsiest mean. I'm just plain Bitsie!
Ha-Ha! Now do you wantto go swimming with me?

JUST THEN BYTESIE ARRIVES IN HIS BATHING SUIT.
HE LOOKS AT BITSIE QUIZZICALLY AS HE TALKS TO
THE ROCK, THE STARFISH AND THE BARNACLE

BYTESIE
Hi, Bitsie!

BITSIE TURNS AND CLAPS HIS HANDS IN
DELIGHT WHEN HE SEES HIS BITSIEST
BESTIEST FRIEND ARRIVE.

BITSIE
Bytesie! I'm so happy to see you!
I want you to meet my new friends!

BITSIE POINTS TO EACH OF THE THREE
OBJECTS IN TURN.

BITSIE
This is Starfish. This is Rock. And this is Barnacle.

BYTESIE LOOKS SURPRISED.

BITSIE (CONT.)
They're going to play with us today!

BYTESIE DOESN'T WANT TO HURT HIS
FRIEND'S FEELINGS, BUT HE KNOWS STARFISH,
ROCKS AND BARNACLES CAN'T PLAY.

BYTESIE:
There's something very important I have to tell you,
Bitsie…

BITSIE TURNS HIS WORRIED FACE
TOWARD BYTESIE…

26
I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.

See what I mean? Can you get over how drippy that script is? And they were all like that. Even the nastiest
Bitsie 'n' Bytesie
episode made
Teletubbies
look like
I Saw What You Did Last
Summer.

So you can imagine how hard it was for Bitsie to act like he was that sugar-pie space alien all day long. It must have been an awful strain on him, pretending to be someone that nice.

It would be like Bess trying to impersonate Snow White or something. How long do you think she could pull that off for? How long do you think before the seven dwarfs would be paying the wicked stepmother to come get her?
⁴⁵
Bitsie was having a harder and harder time pulling the act off too. At least once a day, his eyeball would get “stuck” or his arm would get bent in some weird direction. No one could ever figure out how it happened. That's because they always checked his mecs or his rods for the problem. They never checked his brain.

They never noticed that it happened every time Bitsie had to say, “You're my Bitsiest bestiest friend.” And every time Ram said, “C'mon, Cyberpals! Group hug!” And every time Bitsie had to act like he didn't understand something your average newborn chimpanzee would have gotten right away.

“No, Bitsie. When I said ‘hop to it,' I didn't mean hop! Ha-ha-ha. I meant hurry!”

How humiliating was that?

So I'd take Bitsie to the mall. Make him feel better. Give him something to look forward to. I didn't feel bad about it.

I figured even if the shopping trips were costing a lot of taxi vouchers and all my emergency money, they were worth it.

They made Bitsie happier so

1. he didn't “break down” as much so

2. it wasn't as hard on Zola and

3. we didn't go into overtime as often.

It was a win-win solution. I told myself I was actually saving Kathleen money!

Unfortunately, I was also giving Bitsie ideas.

⁴⁵
How long before Doc was prescribing the dwarfs tranquilizers? How long before Sleepy was having nightmares? How long before Happy had that smile wiped off his face? How long before even Dopey knew that Snow White wasn't as sweet as she was cracked up to be? This is almost too much fun.

27
IT WAS BOUND TO COME TO THIS.

Like I said, he started off being good. He was quiet, polite and really, really grateful. After that first time we went to the mall, in fact, Bitsie actually said thank you! It was very touching. Like seeing someone who's lost a leg walk for the first time. (And it was probably about as hard for him to do.)

But little by little, Bitsie started getting bolder. He whispered a bit too loudly. He did stupid things just to embarrass me—like screaming “Hey, Handsome!” in my voice at guys who really weren't handsome, or making loud wet farting noises whenever I bent over to try on shoes.
⁴⁶

He also shoplifted. Or at least he thought he shoplifted.

That's because I didn't tell him that the ketchup cups at Hamburger Heaven are free. I figured if he was happy taking them, he'd keep his four-fingered paws off the electronic equipment. I'd talk about whether it was right or wrong with him later.

All that was bad enough, of course, but then Bitsie ran away.

I didn't even notice at first. I'd taken my knapsack off and was sitting on a bench, resting. I was beat. There was a soap opera star at the mall and Bitsie had made me stand in line forever, waiting to get close enough to see the top of her head. (As if I cared about Schuyler Dawn Delano and her bouffy hair.)

Anyway, I'd been sitting there awhile when the old lady next to me got up and shuffled over to the escalator. I wouldn't have thought anything of it except she said, “Bye, dear. Nice talking to you.” It seemed weird. I hadn't said a thing.

A moment later, it hit me.

That wasn't the old lady talking. It was Bitsie! He was playing another one of his stupid jokes!

By then, it was too late. I looked around and after a moment of pure terror saw the old lady at the top of the escalator. Bitsie was poking out of her Favorite Footsies shoe bag, waving and making faces at me, like “ha-ha, fooled ya.” He didn't even seem to care if anyone saw him.

I have to admit that I always ended up laughing at Bitsie's fake farts and bad pick-up lines. It was embarrassing of course, but that's what made it so funny too.

This was different. This was way too risky.

I wanted to kill Bitsie, but I couldn't even get my hands on him. All the hard-core
Unbridled Passion
fans who'd stuck around to get Schuyler autograph were clogging the escalator. I tried fighting my way past them, but they were really tough. I guess you have to be to get those autographs.

By the time I made it up the escalator, I was lucky just to catch a glimpse of the old lady's mauve coat disappearing into The Underwear Drawer.
⁴⁷

I ran into the store just as the salesclerk was showing her into the dressing room. I didn't know what to do. For a second I thought about sliding under the door of the old lady's cubicle, stealing the shoe bag and making a run for it. I'd have to hope she'd taken her clothes off and was too embarrassed to come after me.

It was risky, especially since if she was anything like my grandmother, she was past the point of caring. Grammie was perfectly normal and then she hit seventy and decided public skinny-dipping was absolutely a-okay. If someone took her new Favorite Footsies, she wouldn't think twice about engaging in a little nude wrestling to get them back.

She would, in fact, consider it the responsible thing to do.

That scared me. I decided to wait until the old lady came out before I did anything.

It took forever. I wandered around the store, pretending I was going to buy something. The saleslady was immediately suspicious. I obviously didn't need a bra. I was too young (and not stupid enough) for most of the underpants there. (It was like Wedgie City. I mean, who wears that stuff?)

The only other underwear there, I was too young for too. You know, the senior citizen gear. The bloomers. The girdles. The giant bras that look like two white bicycle helmets welded together. I figured that was what the old lady was trying on.

I hoped it was, anyway. It's stupid, I know, but the idea of her trying on a thong really bothered me. As if that was any of my business.

Finally, finally, finally, when I was sure the salesclerk was going to have me arrested just on suspicion of being weird, the old lady came out of the dressing room. By that time I had a plan all ready. I was going to walk up to the counter and stand behind her like I wanted to buy something. Then I was going to pretend to trip, land on the shoe bag and, in the confusion, stuff Bitsie under my shirt. I hadn't figured out how I'd explain the big squirming lump or the yellow legs dangling below, but it was the best plan I could come up with.

I was so nervous that as soon as I saw the old lady coming out of the dressing room, I grabbed the nearest thing to me and beetled up to the counter. It turned out to be a pointy, leopard skin bra with this feathery stuff around the cups.