Pure as the Lily (35 page)

When Mary entered the room with a tray Pat asked, “Have you heard anything more about when you’ve got to go?”

“No, it could be next week, next month or a year.”

“Have you found any place yet?”

“No, I haven’t looked.”

“Wouldn’t you like any of the places they’re offering? There are some nice flats, central heating, lift, the lot.”

“No, thank you. Wherever I go I want me own front door. And it’s funny’—she laughed “ I never have had me own front door, only a back one. “

“Do you fancy any place in particular, like Shields? There are some nice parts in Shields.” T)o you know’—Mary stopped in the act of pouring out the tea—”I haven’t given it much thought. It’s very odd, I can’t explain it, but I know I should be looking around because this’—she wagged her head as she looked up ‘could be around my ears in no time. But I just don’t seem to want to bother. It’s just as if, well....” She finished pouring out the cup of tea.

“Well what, Gran?”

“Oh, I don’t know, I don’t know, lass. But I’ve got no urge in me to look around.... The fact is I must be getting old.”

“Don’t be silly, you old! But you’ll have to find some place.

You and Ben could go into a hotel, but there’s great—gran dad

“Yes, yes, I know all that, lass. You’re right, I’ll have to think about it or we’ll land up in one of those blocks of flats. Anyway, wherever I go it’ll have to be somewhere near, so’s Ben can get back and forward to the garage.”

“He can get back and forward to the garage from any place in his car, and the rate he goes it wouldn’t matter if it were John o’ Groats.”

“Oh, I think we’ll find some place nearer than that.” She laughed now, and as she sat down and sipped her tea she added, “But there’s one thing I’m going to tell you. As soon as he marries I’m going to take a long, long holi....”

“Has he got somebody?” Pat’s voice was sharp.

“No, not really. There’s one at present called Irene, but she’s been running a month, so time’s nearly up I should say.”

“What’s she like?”

“Small, dark, what you would call petite.”

“I can’t stand small women, they’re always bitchy.”

“I’ve known some tall ones who are too.”

“Oh, Gran!” She laughed, then leant against Mary, and Mary said, “Hie up! look what you’re doing.

The tea! over my good frock.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. It’s lovely. What material is it?”

They tell me angora, dear; and they also told me it was . almost . a model. But what they didn’t tell me, but what I guessed, was that they were stinging me,” ‘you can afford to be stung.”

“Listen to her!”

‘you look lovely in it, anyway. I never look like you in clothes. “

“I should hope not.”

‘you know what I mean. I’m, well, I’m like what great—gran da calls a yard of pipe water. “ Don’t be silly, you’re fashionable. “

“Not any more. Gran. Where’ve you been, you can’t get in the buses for the busts. Talk about strap hanging; some of them need jibs to support them. “ They were leaning together again laughing, while Pat spluttered, “But honestly. Gran, you should see Maggie’s falsies; they’re like the old-fashioned pictures of the wartime barrage balloons, you know. I told Maggie that.”

“What did she say?”

“Not what you would expect. She said she’d always wished she’d been old enough to be in the war because her mother always talked of the great times she’d had, and her father too. Apparently, they both had the time of their lives. They enjoyed every minute of it, so much so that I don’t think they’ve enjoyed their peace-time life together.”

“By what you’ve told me I should think this Maggie has the art of enjoying herself well enough at any time?”

“Oh, she has. She’s got her current comforter in for the weekend”

‘on! Patricia. “

Mary’s attitude changed completely. There was no laughter on her face now. She hitched herself a little way along the couch and there was silence for a few moments, until she said, “I’m not stuffy, you know that. Pat. And I wouldn’t care if they stuck to the one fellow. But by the sound of them, they’re like a lot of half-breed bitches on heat.”

“Oh Gran!”

“Never mind, oh Gran. And another thing, I wish you weren’t rooming with that girl.”

“I won’t be for very much longer.”

“Oh? Mary turned aa inquiring glance on her. You’ve got another place?”

“No, no, Gran. Like you, I haven’t any place in mind. I think we’re both in the same boat, and both at sea.”

“What do you mean?”

‘0 . h! I wish I could tell you, Gran. If I could tell anyone, I could tell you. I’m all mixed up. “

“Some fellow?”

“Yes, and no. But it isn’t actually; well, it doesn’t really concern him. Gran’—she put down her cup, then took Mary’s cup from her hands, saying, “I won’t risk you spilling that again. But... well.

Gran, I think I’m going to give it up. “

“Give it up! You mean the University?”

Yes. “

But child! “

That’s it, Gran, I’m not a child, I’m on twenty. “

“Well, you’re still a child. Twenty or no twenty you’re acting like a child, if you’re thinking of giving up your career. And such a career!

I could have understood it if you had said this within a few months of you going there, and everything new, but you’re in your second year and doing fine. Your father says you’re doing splendidly. “

“Oh, don’t get up, Gran, sit still.” She caught Mary’s arm.

“Yes, as you say, I suppose I’m doing splendidly. But, Gran, I’m doing splendidly at something I don’t want to do splendidly at, if you understand what I mean. I just don’t want to go on with mathematics.

I’m not a dedicated person, and you’ve got to be dedicated. “

“Aw, Pat.” Mary now leant back against the couch and stared at her as if to get her into focus, and then she said slowly, “There’ll be the divil’s faggerties over this. You know that, don’t you? Your mother will go mad. You might bring your dad round to your way of thinking, but not your mother. It was the greatest day of her life when you got to the University.” Mary suddenly stopped talking, for her own words were recalling an echo from away down the years. It was her mother’s voice, saying, “Our Jimmy’s got through to the Secondary School. What do you think of that now? And this is only the beginning, he’ll go places, our Jimmy will, I’ll see to that.” When Annie received this news, she would react as her ma would have reacted towards Jimmy had he said he wasn’t going to Teachers’ Training College. But perhaps she was being a bit too hard on Annie, she wasn’t really like her ma. But nevertheless, there’d be hell to pay.

“What’s brought this about, lass?” She moved back up the couch, and Pat leant against her shoulder again and said, “I

don’t really know. Gran; there’s so many things. I, I don’t seem to fit in. Perhaps I don’t know when I’m well off, for they come from all parts of the country and consider they’re fortunate to get a place there. It isn’t the University, it’s me, and’—she smiled faintly ‘and I . I suppose my environment, my years around here. “ She spread one arm wide now. This house, the shop, even the district set my pattern, because I was happy here, it was another world ... you, Gran, and great-gran da and, you know, although I never met my Uncle Jimmy I felt I knew him because someone was always talking about him.

I think Mam loved him in spite of swearing she couldn’t remember him ever being sober. She’s always said if he’d been alive and young today he’d be at University, and hailed for his poetry.” Mary shook her head as she said, “It’s odd how blood runs in the family: Jimmy and you going to College, and you’re both from my side, and here am I with as many brains as a flea.”

“Oh, Gran!”

“It’s true. And there’s Ben, Jimmy’s son: all he wants to do is work with his hands.” The Uncle Jimmy went off with a woman, didn’t he? Ben’s mother, and they weren’t married. “

“Who told you that? I’ve never mentioned that to you.”

No; Mam did. “

Mary just stopped herself from saying, “She would!”

Does Ben know? “

AYes, yes, he knows. He was just turned six when his dad died. But by then he knew that his mother was the most wonderful person in the world, and it made no difference when he found out later that she and his dad hadn’t been married, because he knew that his da adored her, and that’s the only word for it. I’ve never seen anything like it, and I know I never will again, the love that was at ween Jimmy and Lally. “

“But mam said they called her Doo-lally-tap, Gran, and that means...”

“I know what it means, lass.” Mary shook her head now and her voice was sharp.

“And your mother had no right to say that. It was a nickname that her husband gave her, like you’d say to anyone—aw, you’re doo-lally-tap, or up the pole, you know, and it just stuck to her. Lally was no more doo-lally-tap than you are. She was gentle and simple, wise simple. Some people don’t understand simplicity and kindliness and gentleness, they take it for softness, daftness; they think you’ve got a slate missing if you don’t hit back at them. People are cruel, women are cruel. Oh aye, Pat, remember that’—she wagged her finger ‘women are cruel. Seventy—five per cent of women in my estimation are bitches tall and short, an’ that’s being kind. But for the rest’—she gave a wry smile now

‘for the other few, they’re lovely, and Lally was one of the lovely ones. Jimmy used to say she was fey, and that fey people dangled between eternities past and death. I’ve never really been able to work that one out.”

“And Ben takes after her.”

Yes’—Mary bounced her head now “Ben takes after her. And don’t say it like that. And get that smile off your face.”

“I’m not saying anything.”

“No, but with all you’ve got up top, me girl, you’re still jealous of him, and have been since you could crawl.”

“Oh really! Gran. Me jealous of Ben?”

Yes, you jealous of Ben. “

“Oh, Gran. Pour me another cup of tea, I want to swallow that.” As she watched Mary pour out the tea she thought, Nothing much escapes her, but something has this time. Yes, she had been jealous of Ben;

but not in the way her grannie thought, or anyone else thought. She could remember the first feelings of jealousy she had concerning him;

it was when she was just turned four and he was eleven or twelve. She had stood and screamed at him, demanding to know why he wouldn’t play with her, and he had answered, “Because I want to be with me mam in the shop.” And at that he

had pushed her on to her bottom, and she had continued to scream, not through being hurt but in temper. And so it had been all down the years. She hadn’t been jealous of him having her grandmother’s affection but because he rejected her own. She had fought with him up till she was ten, and her grannie used to say, “You’re a naughty girl, Patricia. Why don’t you like Ben? What’s he done to you?” It was funny how people never understood your motives. Well, you couldn’t blame them when you couldn’t understand them yourself. She hadn’t understood hers until she was sixteen when there was talk of him going to be married.

“Ben is the star in your sky that will never fall, Gran, isn’t he?”

“There you go again Well, I mean he is, isn’t he?”

“I brought him up from he was a few weeks old. He’s like my own child, can’t you understand that?”

“Yes, Gran.” She closed her eyes and lay back and bit on her lip and the next moment she was in Mary’s arms, and Mary was murmuring over her, “What is it, lass, what is it? What is upsetting you?

Come on, tell me. You know you can, you can tell me anything. You can’t shock me. Come on, dry your eyes.” She took a handkerchief and dried the pale face.

“What is it? Something at home?”

Pat shook her head and swallowed, “Well, is it a man?”

She turned her head away and looked towards the fire;

then quietly she said, “What would you say, Gran, if I told you I was going away for the weekend, next weekend with ... with a fellow?”

As Mary’s arms slowly slid away from her, she still continued to look in the fire and went on, “I... I’ve never been with anyone. Gran, you know what I mean, and ... and I think it’s time. I....”

‘stop rr! Stop talking like an idiot. Why don’t you say you haven’t been on pot or lsd. and you think it’s time you

did. You sit there and say you’re going with this man because you think it’s time . time I What do you mean by time? Are you in love with him? “

Pat now turned sharply, crying, “I thought you said nothing could shock you....”

“I’m not shocked, girl, I’m only bloody well angry. You think it’s time to do this. You’re not doing it because you’re worked up by love, or passion, or anything else, you just think it’s time. You’re not twenty yet and you say you haven’t been with anyone, but you think it’s time.... My God! I tell you one thing, I think it’s time you did leave that University if this is the way it’s making you think.... Now I could understand you going with a man because your feelings had driven you to him, but to coolly say....” What’s this? What’s this? “

Neither of them had heard the outer door opening, and now they were both looking at Ben and he at them. He , moved slowly into the room, pulling his scarf off and unbuttoning his coat. Then looking from one to the other, he asked in a tone of high surprise, ‘you two having a bust up? I heard you at the bottom of the stairs. “

“No, we’re not having a bust up.” Mary let out a long shuddering breath, then said, “What’s brought you back?”

“Oh, just a minute.” He grabbed up his scarf and put it on again, saying, “I’ll go out and sit on the step until you let me in.”

“You haven’t been gone an hour.” Her voice was quiet now.

“No, I haven’t been gone an hour, and if I’d known that Pat was here I wouldn’t have come back.” He looked at Pat again. ‘you staying? “

Yes. “

“Well, what a pity you didn’t phone, I could have made a night of it... as I said to Mam, high jinks, plush and slush the lot....”

“Oh, be quiet!” Mary was yelling and he turned quickly and stared at her. Then, his own voice quiet, he said, “All right,” and went out.