Pure as the Lily (9 page)

I’ve never loved like this in me life.

NEVER! NEVER

She could say nothing. She knew of no way to answer talk like this.

All she wanted to say was, “Get off your knees, Mr. Tollett,” for it didn’t seem right that he should be on his knees to her.

As if he had heard her, Ben pulled himself to his feet, but still kept close hold of her and, leading her to the couch, he pulled her down beside him. And now she was in the circle of his arms again and he was asking softly, “Do you like me a little bit, Mary?”

She paused before nodding her head; and then she said, “Yes.” And this was true, she did like him.

“Do, do you think you could love me?”

She looked at his face. He was good-looking but in a different way from Hughie Amesden. She had been in love with Hughie Amesden for years. Did she still love him? She didn’t know, she only knew she was excited now, even while she was frightened. Perhaps this was love; it must be something more than liking, but it wasn’t the same feeling that she had for Hughie Amesden. She had never seen a white light around Mr. Tollett—around Ben. She would never be able to call him Ben, it sounded cheeky. Presumptuous was the word.

She knew all about presumptuousness, because Mrs. Turner was always talking about this one being pre sumptuous and that one being presumptuous, and getting above themselves. Yet he was saying he loved her. But what about her ma?

“What about me ma?” she said.

Now he was shaking his head, impatiently and, his voice low and stiff he said, “Listen, Mary. If you don’t come back the morrow your mother’s never comin’ in here again, not to work or anything else. I I might as well tell you she’s been a great trial to me, your mother.”

“I know.”

‘you know? “

“I, I saw her once through the back shop window. It... it was the night you put her out the backyard door.”

“Oh dear God!” He bowed his head. Then lifting it sharply, he said, “But there was never anything between us, never. Years ago when we were baims together she used to trail me. I never could stand her, honest. I shouldn’t say this, but I never could stand her. When Jane died I was at my wit’s end and I was glad of her help, but I never imagined that she would start again else I wouldn’t have let her in the door.... And you know something, Mary? From the minute you came in the house I’ve been amazed that there isn’t a bit of her in you. You take after Alee; he’s a good man, your da.” Yes, yes, me da’s a good man. “ She could love him for that alone, for saying her da was a good man.

“He should never have married her, but she was deter mined to be married. Do ... do you know something else? She was one of the main reasons why I went down to me aunt’s in Dorset an’ was apprenticed in the car trade. I was really scared of her in those—days; she was dominant, even then.

You see we all lived near each other in the early years. Your da and me lived in the same street and ...

and she lived opposite. It was impossible to get out of the back door, you know, or the front without running into her. And then when 67 dad died and I came back and found her living in this very street, Lord above...! But anyway, she was married so ... so I thought that wall all right ... Then I married Jane and Jane was the kind of person who could keep people in their place.... Oh yes yes indeed.”

He took his hands from about her now and, cupping her face, said gently, “Don’t tremble so.... Look, I’m ... I’m going to tell you something that I’ve never told a living soul, an’ likely I wouldn’t even tell you this if I wasn’t ... well slightly tight. But, but I feel you should know.... Well, what I’m goin’ to tell you is this, just this. I never was in love with Jane, I never felt anything for her, not like I feel for you, not like the feeling that’s in me now.

And I’m speaking the truth, Mary, I’m . I’m not just pushing a line, but. aw God, I should have met you when I was seventeen, eighteen, nineteen. Aw, Mary, aye I should, I should have met you then and felt then like I do now. Do you know something? “ He moved her head gently between his hands.

“I was nearing thirty and I’d never met a lass that I liked. I ... I thought there must be something wrong with me, I did.

I did. You know? “ He now shook his own head and closed his eyes for a moment as he went on, ‘you wouldn’t understand, you wouldn’t understand, but I wanted a wife, and I wanted children, and a home of me own, I was tired of living with me aunt, but I didn’t want to come back to Jarrow and me people.

Oh no’—he pulled a face at himself “ Jarrow wasn’t for me. Then Mam and Dad died, an’ I was alone, here, stark alone. An’ then I met Jane and . and I can say this, it isn’t conceit, but Jane married me, I didn’t marry her. Yet I was glad to be taken over. Can, can you understand any of it? No, you’re not old enough,. But a funny thing happened with Jane, very funny. She voted to stay here’—he jerked his thumb downwards ‘and not in Gosforth.

It was, Mary, it was really funny, for, with all her high faluting ways she had the same ideas as my own dad and my mam, because she could see us in no time at all having a chain of shops. It was no use me telling her that me dad had just closed two. No;

she said the slump would come to an end some time, and this was the time to buy property when it was going cheap, and to keep on buying shares, the ones that were right down. My Aunt Annie had started me on that game, shares. That’s how she was so comfortably off.

“Aw Mary’—he smiled wryly ‘you look amazed, an’ no wonder, no wonder. Aw what am I keeping on about? Shares, shops, there’s only one thing I really want you to know I love you.” The words came out on a thin whisper now.

“I love you, Mary, an’ I need you. You’re so beautiful, fresh, soft... and kindly ... aw an’ kindly.” When he drew her to him and put his mouth on hers the shivering spiralled up through her body; it whirled round her head and sent her floating away. She had dreamt about being kissed, she had dreamt of Hughie Amesden kissing her, but even when she had imagined his lips on hers it had never been like this. She was weak and faint, there was no air in her body, she couldn’t breathe.

“When his mouth left hers she drew a shuddering breath and gasped and his lips began moving over her eyes now, on to her ear, down to her chin, on to her neck, right down to her breast bone.

“I love you, Mary, I love you, Mary, I love you, Mary.” His voice was like a chant going round and round in her head.

“You love me? Say you love me, just a little bit. Say it, Mary. Say you love me just a little bit.” His brown eyes were looking into hers.

They were wide. She had never seen eyes so wide, and dark and deep.

“Say it, Mary.” It was like a whisper coming along a tunnel.

“Say it, Mary. Say it, Mary.”

“Yes, yes, I do.” She sent the whisper back along the tunnel. And then her breath was cut off again; she was smothered with kisses and she didn’t know what was happening to her, but she was kissing him back.

And now he seemed to be kissing her with every part of his body. She was hot, sweating; she had the funny feeling that she was swelling all over fit to burst.

They were lying along the couch now side by side, and

then all of a sudden she felt herself falling, and they rolled on to the floor. They remained quiet for a moment and looked into each other’s faces, and she heard herself laughing. And then she was in his arms again and they were rolling over like two baims down a bank after their paste eggs on Easter Sunday. His hands were warm and soft and he kept saying, “I’ll never hurt you, Mary. Don’t worry, I’ll never hurt you, Mary. Don’t worry, I’ll never hurt you.” But he did, for she was suddenly shot through with pain; and then the world stood still.

what is it, hinny? What’s the matter with you? “ Grandma Walton bent over Mary.

“You’re all out of sorts these days. It’s far too much these two jobs, it’ll be a good thing when your ma gets back. She’ll soon be on her feet again; she had her foot to the ground when I was in yesterday.” What is it, lass? “ Now Peter “ Walton bent over her, his merry face holding a troubled look.

“What is it? Has your ma been playin’ divils faggarties with you? Aw’ —he did not wait for an answer

‘don’t take no notice, that’s her. You should be used to it now. Aren’t you going to eat this bit of cake?

Look, your grannie just baked it this mornm’, it’s as light as a feather.” IsTo thanks, Granda. I don’t feel like eating, I’ve, I’ve got a headache. “

“But you seem to have had a headache on and off the last few weeks, hinny. Now if it doesn’t let up you’ll have to go and see the doctor.

Have you told your ma? “

Mary was looking downwards as she said, “No.”

Then you should,” Her grandfather now put his arm around her and hugged her to him as he muttered gently, “ Your da’s worried, he’s worried sick, he can’t make you out. “ Oh, if she could only make herself out, if she could only tell somebody. She had come round to tell her grannie ‘cos her grannie was good at breaking news. She had promised Ben she wouldn’t leave without telling her grannie. They had been over it time and again; he had wanted to go up the street and tell her da. He had said, “I’m glad it’s happened, love, I’m glad. Do you hear me? Because now it’ll have to come into the open and you’ll marry me.”

He had asked her to marry him the very next morning after what had happened. When she had gone upstairs, she hadn’t been able to look at him but he had taken her in his arms and laughed and said, “Aw love, I’m the happiest man on earth. I’m going along to see your da right now.” And at this she had seemed to go mad for a minute, because she had cried at him, almost screamed at him, “No, no! you mustn’t. No, I tell you, I don’t want you to go and see me da.” She had realized fully, after a wakeful night, that there was nothing that her da didn’t know about Ben and her ma, and that somehow, no matter if Ben were in the right, her da still thought that he had taken her ma away from him. And now if Ben were to go up and say that he wanted to marry her, her da would go mad. Instinctively deep down inside her she knew he would do something, because besides everything else Ben was old enough to be her father, and if her ma had got him as she wanted to, he could have been at that.

Ben had pacified her.

“All right, all right,” he had said, “We’ll leave it and do it in your time. But you’re not vexed at me, are you?

You don’t think I’m a frightful man? “ And she had looked at him, and then she had surprised herself by falling against him.

No, she hadn’t been vexed at him, for she liked him. She hadn’t liked what had happened that night, but nevertheless she liked him. He was kind and nice. and lovable, and he

“looked different from any of the men around the doors, better class like.

But it wasn’t only her father she was afraid of knowing, it was her ma.

Now she had missed her period and she knew what that meant: when you stopped having your period you were going to have a hairn. And she didn’t feel very well inside herself.

She looked from one face to the other bending over her, their expressions full of concern, and she said,

“I want to talk to me grannie, Granda.”

Peter straightened his back and said, “Oh aye, lass.” Then with an effort at his old jocularity, he added,

“Well, I’d better away. Did I tell you I had business to attend to in the Town Hall? There’s a meeting of councillors the day, a real covey of them. They’ve asked to see me, I think they’re going to put me up for Mayor.”

When this evoked no answering smile from her he went out, and Grandma Walton, pulling up a wooden chair to the table, sat down and caught hold of her hands and looked into her face for a long moment and with the knowledge of years she said quietly, “No, lass, not that?” and Mary, knowing that there was no need for detailed explanations to her grannie, just dipped her head once.

“Aw my God! baim.”

“Oh, Grandma!” She flung herself into her grannie’s arms, and Grandma Walton rocked her as she patted her back, asking quietly, “Who is it?

I didn’t know you had a lad. “

She was sobbing so bitterly she couldn’t answer for a while. Then raising her head, and sniffing and wiping the tears from the end of her nose with the back of her hand, she said, “It isn’t a lad.

Grandma, it’s Ben. “

Ben? “

She looked at her grandmother’s screwed up face.

“Mr. Tollett.”

“Oh my God!” Her grandma dropped her hand as if it were a hot cake she had just taken out of the oven.

“You’re jokin’, lass?”

“No, no, Gran.”

“Aw, what a swine! to take advantage of a bit hairn....”

“He didn^t, he didn’t. Listen, Gran, listen.” It was she who had hold of her grandmother now, shaking her by the arms.

“He didn’t. It wasn’t like that at all. He wanted to marry me straightaway, an’ I wouldn’t, ‘cos I was frightened to tell me da, or me ma. The other, it, it just happened. And ... and I want to marry him, Gran.”

“You do, lass?”

“Yes, yes. Gran.”

“Then why were you frightened to tell them at home?”

“I couldn’t. Gran. You see... well, there’s a reason.”

“Yes, go on.”

“Well Gran, I don’t know how to say it, an’ I shouldn’t say it.”

“You’ve said enough, and you’d better tell me the rest, lass. If you don’t want it to go any further, you know me.”

Yes, she knew her grannie, it wouldn’t go any further. She said quietly, The ma’s been after Ben all the time she’s been working in the shop. He . he pushed her off. I saw him, actually saw him one night and heard him tell her that he . he wanted none of her because me da was a good man. “

‘. Your ma . after him? No! . and,” she added vehemently now, ‘your da is a good man? But he didn’t think that when he took you down....”

“He didn’t take me down, Gran, not like that I’ve got to say it, I, I was willin’. If I hadn’t been he wouldn’t have. But you see I couldn’t let him tell me da, because me da’s known about me ma wanting him, I mean Ben, and he would look upon it, well, like a double insult.”