Pushing Send (16 page)

As I follow her, I am struck with the fact that, for most of my life, I have felt like I was all alone, that I could handle any situation because I was strong, and my parents were not. I now realize that was a lie, one told to myself in a perfect adolescent manner because, at that moment, I believed I was. Now I know different. I wish my mom was here to help me through this. For now, though, I would settle for Mrs. Keller, a person who, if I allow myself to stop thinking of her as my enemy—a thought provoked by fear—I know I would appreciate.

“Thank you,” I tell her.

She smiles, gives me a nod, and then continues to walk.

We enter a large room, where a very tall man with gray hair, glasses, and a suit stands up and walks to me.

“Hadley Asher, I am Abraham Preston, your lawyer.” He holds out his hand, and I shake it. “Have a seat and we will get right to it.”

I sit down, and he opens a file, then takes a deep breath as he runs his hand through his hair, before taking off his glasses.

“I am going to start by saying that this mess is perplexing, to say the least. You shouldn’t be here. Even if they could prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you did it with ill intent, the charges don’t make sense. Your school records are nearly impeccable. Up until recently, you’ve never even been in trouble. You are not a flight risk, and you are certainly not a violent criminal.” He looks up at me. “But the documentation about the two incidents at school and from the facility both hinder you a great deal.”

“I don’t understand.”

“At school, you had two incidents where you were noncompliant and borderline combative. Here, you also fought authority—”

I look up at Mrs. Keller, now feeling betrayed. “I’m all set. You can go now.”

“Hold up, Hadley. It’s not untrue. Whatever you do here is documented in a report. There is nothing I can do to take that away, even though I am one hundred percent on your side.”

“I said I was all set.”

“Miss Asher, you need all the help you can get. Mrs. Keller here has already said, without my even asking, that she would go to court on your behalf if need be.”

I don’t say anything. I feel outnumbered, cornered … helpless.

“Okay, let’s continue,” Mr. Preston says, breaking the silence. “From what I have gathered, Judge Wood has been a judge for way too many years in Tompkins County. He isn’t a patient of Dr. Jamison’s, but his brother-in-law is a doctor who plays golf with him. To make a very long story short, Judge Wood’s niece killed herself many years ago. She was a seemingly normal, happy teenage girl. Little by little, things came to light that she was bullied relentlessly in school. I believe, without a shadow of a doubt, this is the answer to the why in this puzzle. The how the hell this is being allowed is baffling, to say the least. I am working on getting this moved to family court. The problem is, it can take up to three months for that to happen. Then we face that judge with all the evidence pointing to you being the one who posted that video.”

“I didn’t,” I defend. “I didn’t, I swear to you.”

“Whether I believe you or not is a moot point. I am your lawyer. I will be behind you one hundred percent. But, if a judge finds you guilty of manslaughter, then you could be in here for at least a couple of years.”

He pulls out a piece of paper and pushes it toward me. “I have managed to strike a deal. One year. You plead guilty, and they let you out in a year. If not, we take this to court on a wish that it’s family court and a prayer that the media frenzy behind this case dies down, and we have a judge who is sympathetic.”

While I sit silently, trying to convince myself that the truth will come out, media frenzy rattles my brain.

“So the entire community is against me?” I ask quietly, afraid speaking the words will make it even more real.

“The entire community is supporting a grieving family.”

“But they think I deserve to be in here, that I wanted my best friend to overdose, to die?” Building tears threaten, feeling like they are suffocating me.

“They think that bullying is a serious issue. The local news has broadcast this story every night. People are coming out in droves, telling similar stories. They all want to see an end put to this type of online bullying. Hadley, they are making an example of you.”

I nod, whispering with my head down, “I see.”

He watches me. “Look, kid, I want to know what happened. If you want Mrs. Keller to step out while you tell me your side, that’s fine.”

“I’m not guilty.” I look up directly into his eyes. “I did not push send.”

“All right.”

“And you don’t believe me.” I knew he didn’t.

“That’s neither here nor there. I am paid to represent you, and I will.”

“If you don’t believe in me—”

“I just don’t see how it’s possible.”

“I dropped the damn phone when she screamed at me, and I fell trying to get out of the room. When I got her stepbrother—”

“Paxton Jamison?” He flips through some papers in his file and stops.

“Yes, Pax, he stormed in after he heard where she was. I followed. That’s when I found the phone. When I picked it up, I shoved it in my pocket before getting out of there and walking home. My phone was dead.”

“He gave a statement, says you ran out of the house and followed him back in. He said you tried to break up what might have been a fight.”

I close my eyes, remembering vividly what happened that night, how angry Pax was at me, at Lana, at Joey Freaking White. I had never seen him look like that, act like that, or treat anyone like that before.

“It’s a very vague statement.”

“I’m sure he’s hurting. He’s the one who found her. Dad and I heard him screaming.” I scrunch my eyes shut, remembering how horrifying it was to see her like that and how heartbreaking it was to see Pax shattering into pieces as he held her.

“Your father has addiction issues.” He shuffles through more papers. “Prescription medication?”

I look up at him, stunned.

“It’s in Mr. and Mrs. Jamison’s reports. They wonder if Lana got the pills from your home.”

“She was never there long enough. We were always at her house, and my father’s medication is because of his pain from an injury. Why would they do that to him? Talk about him? It’s me they hate. They want to see someone hang, don’t they? Why would they do this?”

He shakes his head. “Hadley, they have to blame someone. Unfortunately, they are an affluent family, and you are—”

“Nothing. Nobodies.”

“New to the community. It makes for an easy target.”

“So tell me what I should do. I just want them to leave me alone, not talk about my family, because them believing I didn’t do it seems hopeless.”

“You and your parents have to make that choice. I can’t do it for you.”

“Then what would you advise? That’s your job, right? To advise me?”

“The deal puts you here for a year. Court is never a guarantee.”

“Do I have to choose now?” I ask in a broken, tear-filled voice.

“You need to speak to your folks about that. I am just giving you the options.”

“Why isn’t my mom here?”

“Well, she went to Buffalo for a couple days for work,” he answers. “She said she would be here for her Saturday visit and talk then. I ’can’t make it tomorrow, so I came today.”

“Why isn’t she working at the shop?”

He looks at me, shaking his head slightly. “It’s been slow.”

Realization strikes that her business is dying, just like Lana did, all because of me.

He stands. “Any other questions for me, Hadley?”

I shake my head.

“All right, then. I will see you in two weeks to—”

“Two weeks?” I gasp.

“Yes, dear. These things take time. Mrs. Keller assures me you are doing very well in here. Keep it together. If we go to court, we need the support of the people in here.”

When he walks out, I stand.

“Hadley, I am here for you to talk to, so talk to me.”

I shrug and shake my head. “Two more weeks in here… I can’t … I can’t—”

“There is no other choice, Hadley. We will get you through this.” She points to the chair, and I sit down, trying to catch my breath that has been stolen by panic. “I see that you haven’t made any phone calls or approved anyone’s mailing address.”

“What?” I shake my head. “No, no one ever told me I had to approve anything. I just got told I could make calls on Wednesdays and Sundays.”

“It should have been done at Intake.” She seems annoyed. “You have ten minute calls. I will have your unit YDA set the times for your days. As far as mail goes, I have four letters in your file. You need to approve the senders, and we have to open and skim them so we know there isn’t any contraband.”

She radios CS, or Central Services, and asks that someone bring them down with the proper form for me to fill out.

It only takes seconds before YDA Redder brings them in.

“She has been here too long to not have this done,” Mrs. Keller says firmly. “It should have been passed on to her unit that it needed to be done.”

“Well, it was a little crazy—”

“Doesn’t matter. Each resident has rights, YDA Redder,” she says in an annoyed tone. “All set.”

Redder disappears out the door.

“ ’Kay, here is the form. Add any address or name you would like to approve, and we will check to make sure they weren’t involved in the reason you are here.”

“Just my parents and my half-brother JJ,” I say as I take the pen she extends to me and write their address down.

I see her shuffle through the envelopes. “Not Bee, or Skylar, or Pax … Oh, maybe not Pax. Is he the brother of—?”

“Yes, but why would he be writing?”

“I don’t know, but I do know you shouldn’t be in contact with him.”

“Okay, but … I just want to know how they are. I swear, Mrs. Keller, I never—”

“You want me to read this and tell you what it says?”

“Yes,” I say quickly. “Yes, please.”

“Okay, but I am telling you I can’t approve this without your lawyer advising that it’s okay. Not because I am cruel or uncaring, but—”

“I understand.”

I wait rather impatiently to hear what the letter says. As she skims through it, I read the emotions on her face. I don’t know if I want to hear what it says, but I know I need to. Don’t I?

She looks up at me and smiles. “You need to worry about you and not them.”

Fear chills my body, and my lungs seemingly refuse to give me the air I need to fill them.

Hadley,

I am not sure why I am writing or if I should be. I am not sure, because I have no idea what happen to you or how I could have believed you were different than the rest of the people in Blue Valley or the world, for that matter.

I thought you were good. Hell, I still question if I was wrong, and you were hiding a part of you, a part that I had never seen that was mean, vindictive, and manipulative. I wonder if you could be the kind of person with the mindset it would take to do something like that, something so intentionally malicious, knowing it would hurt someone.

Regardless of who Hadley Asher truly is, I want you to know I hope you’ll be okay someday. Regardless of who Hadley Asher truly is, I hope you can see your way back to who I believed you to be. Regardless of who Hadley Asher truly is, I hope—no, pray—that the girl I thought I knew can find a way out of the darkness that must be surrounding her, because I know it’s surrounding me.

Truly regardless,

Pax

When she finishes, she hands me the letter as she opens the other two. She ’doesn’t read them, only skims through them and shakes out the envelopes, no doubt looking for some sort of weapon or something I could dig myself out of here with.

I don’t care at all because I’m still hung up on “Truly regardless, Pax.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks as she hands me the letters.

“No.”

“It sounds like he knows the girl I see inside, the girl your parents know you are, Hadley. I’m guessing these two know you, too.” She stands. “I’ll walk you to your unit as soon as you finish your lunch.”

“I’d like to go now. I’m not hungry.”

“Hadley, you have to eat.”

“I don’t feel well. I just want to go back and lie down. Can I please just go back and—” I stop as I feel tears spring up.

“Please drink your milk.”

“Lactose intolerant.” My voice cracks.

“Right, then why do they keep giving it to you?” Mrs. Keller’s voice waivers. I look up at her to see she tries to hide her emotions. “I’m sorry, Hadley. I’m truly sorry.”

I eat some crackers, hoping that will help me get out of here and into my room. Then I take two bites of my apple and put it back down.