Pushing the Limit (20 page)

A few hours into the flight, his jaw was aching. Matt took a breath and tried to relax, tried to ease the tension that pulsed through him in time with the throb of the engine. Every nerve was twanging with the noise of being on a plane. He concentrated on every breath, every beat of his heart to exercise control over his anxiety from the constant background noise. Harry was sitting opposite him, facing him from the other side of the aircraft. She’d been staring at him since they’d climbed on board. That wasn’t helping matters.

Goddammit
. He didn’t understand women at all. He rolled his neck to alleviate some pain there, too. The aircraft had about ten other people in its passenger area—a couple of soldiers in uniform and the rest in civilian clothes. Probably from the embassy or some other government office.

He met Harry’s eyes and could see the wheels turning inside. He should have just come out and told her that he was heading back to EOD school to help train the new technicians. That made him a horrible person, and he was fine with that. His insides were beaten up, and his brain was punishing him for allowing himself to get attached to making love to Danny’s wife. The past three years he’d had maybe two serious mental shitstorms that he could directly attribute to watching his friend die. This week he’d had three. And she was the reason.

He was punishing her for something that wasn’t her fault. He knew that. But he needed to keep her at arm’s length if he was going to keep his hands off her. Because God knew, as soon as his hands were on her, in her hair, feeling her… well, sanity flew out of the window. And keeping his sanity close was the only way he knew to walk away from her.

He needed his head to get back to the place it was a week ago.
But where was that?
In some void between finding missing bodies and picking up women. He scrubbed his hands over his face. Fuck. Fuck it all to hell.

Something jogged him and he looked up. Harry had ninja’d her way over the expanse of the plane and was strapping herself into the space next to him. Crap.

“Are you all right?” he asked.

“Are you? Or are you crazy?” she demanded, eyes flashing.

He groaned. “What are you talking about?” He knew. He knew what was coming. He braced for impact.

“Are you even kidding me about going back to EOD? Is that your idea of a joke, or… or is it some kind of way to get back at me?”

“Even my career decisions are about you now? You take the cake, lady.”

Her face flushed at that. “How many times had you thought about going back to EOD before this week?” she asked.

Her voice had risen, and he looked around at the other inhabitants of the aircraft. At least two were looking on at their exchange with some amusement. He flicked the fastener of the seat belt and stabbed a finger toward the front of the plane where the only rest room was. He knew it would be quieter in front of the engines and there would be less need to shout in front of everyone.

As soon as they got to the relative quiet of the place where a galley would be in a commercial plane, he tried to head her off. “I don’t want to discuss my career options with you. I don’t want to discuss anything with you.”

“Is this still about the passwords? I’m sorry about that. They’ve been my passwords for years. I never thought to change them, never imagined my choice would affect anyone.” She said the words softly, barely audible over the noise. His nerves jangled as the ambient noise made him strain to hear her.

“That was just the icing on the cake, Harry. It’s everything. Everything. Relationships, sex. It should be easy. You and me? We have too many obstacles on too many levels. You’re my best friend’s wife. All my career choices have been driven by the experience of watching him die in front of me. All of them. My personal relationships have been driven by…” He stopped, unwilling to actually verbalize his “hit it and quit it” past.

Past?

The plane passed through some cloud, which made sunlight flash through one of the tiny windows. He winced against the flickering light, and in that split second he lost the tight grip on his brain. The aircraft started shaking, and he tried to get Harry to safety. He grabbed her arm.

“It’s okay, Matt. I’ve got you.” He felt her fingers cool against his neck, and then forehead. “We’re fine. Everything’s fine.”

He opened his eyes and found hers. She looked concerned. But he felt fine. “What happened?”

Her hands left his skin and slipped down his shoulders to his arms. “You started shaking, like you had a fever. Does that happen a lot?”

He shook his head. “No… I don’t know.”

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I feel like I’ve caused all this tension and stress for you. But this will stop now. I’m sorry. I just wanted to tell you that I didn’t mean to hurt you, or take you to a place that you didn’t want to go.”

She slipped her hand into his. And it felt so good. So, so good. His heart rate steadied under the mere touch of her hand.

“You never once took me somewhere I didn’t want to go,” Matt said simply. He squeezed her hand and released it. He needed distance from her to get himself back together. “I just can’t do this right now. You understand?”

Her chin wobbled under his gaze. He raised his hand to touch it, to smooth out the hurt on her face, and stroked the side of her face. Her soft skin felt like velvet under his fingers. Unable to stop himself, he cupped her warm cheek and closed his eyes as she turned her lips to his palm and kissed him. He couldn’t walk away. He wanted to walk back to his seat, fasten his seat belt, and concentrate on keeping his head together. But no part of his body wanted any part of that. He brought her face around toward his and leaned down.

His lips traced her forehead, his hand smoothed her hair. He kissed her cheeks and eyes, feeling a dampness that wasn’t there before. When he reached her lips, it wasn’t passion driving his kiss. It wasn’t his dick leading the charge. It was his heart.

His heart, dammit.

He framed her face between his hands and pulled away. He held her gaze for a moment, trying to remember this feeling, how she looked. Trying to etch her in his brain.

He dropped his hands, took a deep breath, and walked away. Went straight back to his seat, closed his eyes, and tried to breathe through the empty feeling in his stomach.

* * *

Harry chose a seat at the front of the aircraft so she wouldn’t have to look at Matt for the rest of the flight. A quick glance at him before she sat confirmed his complete ambivalence to her; his eyes were closed and he seemed to be completely relaxed.

She wished he would open up to her, but clearly there was more going on inside than he’d ever let on. Maybe it was better to walk away unscathed. To chalk it up as a learning experience. To be more open to love. Maybe slightly open to love.

It was too much. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to relax into the slight movement the aircraft made as it flew them home. Flew Colonel Mather home. He’d been away too long.

Harry awoke to the grinding sound of the aircraft wheels being lowered. She swallowed hard to release the pressure in her ears. She stretched to ease the tightness in her muscles and automatically looked around for Matt. He was talking to a crew member, pointing at the other passengers. She figured he was probably going over the protocol for the removal of the casket.

She watched him as he spoke, taking advantage of the fact that his attention wasn’t on her. He looked so strong, so sure of himself, but she’d seen a chink in his armor. Maybe she’d even caused it.

The plane landed and the un-uniformed passengers were disembarked into a van on the flight line. The ramp came back up, and the plane taxied to the tarmac in front of the main building. Harry stood and tried to hang as far back as she could, not wanting to intrude on this dignified transfer of the colonel back to his parents.

The aircraft ramp was lowered again, and an honor guard of airmen came into the aircraft to prepare the casket. Emotion flooded through her as they wrapped it in an American flag. This is how she met Danny on his return to the U.S. She shrank farther away from them and covered her mouth with her hands.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

The honor guard lifted the container and slow-marched it down the ramp, as three airmen saluted. Watching the solemnity choked her. But it wasn’t about Danny. Not anymore. It was the respect and honor these young airmen paid to someone they had never met or known. It moved her. She wondered how many of these operations Matt had witnessed.

The casket was carefully put into what looked like a military ambulance and was driven slowly to the building. Only then did Matt look back at her. “Are you all right?” he asked.

She nodded. “It was a moving ceremony.” She picked up her bag and went toward him.

“We can walk to the back of the building from here and Mather’s parents will be given the opportunity to talk to us, as the people who found him, if they want to. Is that okay with you?”

“Of course. That’s why I came. I think I may have a… fairly unique perspective.”

She absolutely swore that he extended his arm as if he was offering his hand to take, but he clenched his fist and dropped his arm back to his side. “Let’s go,” he said.

They sat silently in a bare waiting room for about twenty minutes before someone came to get them. They were led into the chapel complex, then another waiting room, this one furnished with armchairs and paintings. A couple dressed in their Sunday best held hands while they looked at the flag-draped coffin.

“Mr. and Mrs. Mather. May I introduce Senior Master Sergeant Matt Stanning, from our JPAC unit, and Dr. Henrietta Markowitz. They supervised the recovery of your son.”

They shook hands. “I’m so sorry for your loss,” Harry said.

Mrs. Mather smiled. “Thank you for bringing him home, Dr. Markowitz. And for taking the time to speak with us.”

“Please call me Harry,” she said. “I’m so glad we were able to.”

Mr. Mather spoke in a thick-with-emotion voice. “What can you tell us about how he died?”

Harry looked at Matt.

“I’m afraid we—”

“I know. I know. Grant wouldn’t want you to break any classified rules or anything. I don’t mean what he was doing when he died, just how he died.”

Matt seemed to be at a loss of what to say.

“Someone very kind was looking after him when he died. He was being cared for. I promise. He didn’t die alone.”

Mrs. Mather’s chin quivered just the smallest bit as she nodded. “Thank you. Thank you for telling us that. It means a lot. Really. More than you know.”

“I do know. I was in your exact position seven years ago when someone brought my husband home to this very air force base.”

“Oh, my dear. You are much too young to have gone through that. I’m so sorry. At least we’ve had time to grieve. We had to accept years ago that Grant wouldn’t be coming home.” She reached out and put her hand on Harry’s shoulder. “There were so many things he wanted to do, so many dreams. Tragedies like this remind us how short life can be, how precious.” She sniffed and blinked rapidly, casting her gaze at the ceiling for a few seconds as if collecting herself.

Harry blinked back tears of her own. “You’re absolutely right,” she replied. “I think… I think I’d forgotten that.” The more Mrs. Mather’s words sunk in, the more Harry realized that she’d been totally passive since Danny died. She’d let things happen to her, never really
making
things happen.

A protocol officer came in to lead the couple away. They said their good-byes, and left Matt and Harry alone in the waiting room.

She put her hands on her hips. “So what now?”

She looked at him expectantly, her hands on hips, her head cocked. Like she was daring him. Daring him to feel, to accept a mission that would only end in heartbreak for both of them.

“I can’t be the man you need,” he said. “You deserve so much more, so much life.”

“Well, as much as I appreciate being told what I need, you’re wrong. I do need you.” She frowned. “No. I don’t need you. I want you. And I want to need you. Shit, this is confusing.
You
are making it confusing, Matt, and it shouldn’t be. I’m just a woman who wants to be with you. I don’t care if it ends tomorrow, or next month, or maybe next year if we decide it’s too difficult, but I’m damned if I’m going to walk away without even trying. That’s…
lame
.”

He inched toward the tiny dynamo standing in front of him, all piss and vinegar. “You’re calling me lame?” he said, almost standing over her.

“If you walk away for no good reason,” she countered, standing her ground.

“I have reasons—”

“I said
good
reasons. You heard what the woman said. Life is too short. Yes, I’m nervous about you putting yourself in danger with the EOD. But I don’t want to regret not trying.”

He slowly brushed his hand over her hair and wound one soft tendril around his fingertip. She was electricity to him. Powerful and necessary and dangerous. But he could handle dangerous. He dealt with it every day.

“I’m not going back to EOD. I’m going back to the school to teach. To train airmen to be better than we were. To do better.” He grinned. “To blow more shit up.”

“Really?” she whispered.

“Really.”

She paused. “Well, then I’ve made my point.”

“Oh, and what was that?”

“There is nothing between us that two functioning adults can’t figure out, and I’m not going to put up with your shit anymore.”

“Oh, really?” He leaned forward and kissed her neck.

She sighed and wove her fingers through his hair, pressing her whole body against him. Yeah, he was a goner. He wasn’t going to leave here without her, or at least without a plan to get her.

He picked her up, threw her over his shoulder, and strode out of the room.

“Where are you taking me?”

“Out of the chapel. I don’t want to compound my sins.” He took her to a flight planning office which was thankfully deserted at this hour.

She scrambled down from his shoulder and smiled up at him. Killer smile. He grabbed her waist and lifted her onto the counter. Standing between her legs, he took her face in his hands. “This isn’t going to be easy. I can tell you that now. I need to fix my head, fix my life.”

She looked deep into his eyes. “We’re both a little broken. But I don’t want to hide anymore. I want you in my life. However hard it is.”

“Guess what?” he said as he bent to claim her mouth. “It’s pretty damned hard right now.”

The sound of her laughter as he touched his lips to hers intoxicated him as much as her kiss.