Putting the Madge in Danna (6 page)

Comments:5
The lesbian friend of Madonna’s, Sandra
Bernhard
, did indeed have a
relationship with Madonna. I bet you can’t guess who was the top
and who the bottom?
Shae Stewart, Long Beach,
CA

Dannika, I’ll be waiting
for you at the Marriott in Times Square. August
29
^th
.
I’ll give you the ride of your life. And you won’t see a flaccid
penis.
Rob,
NY, NY

You may be a feisty Greek
goddess, but sexy you ain’t!
Boxman, Inside-a-cunt,
IL
This is all lies. May you get a gypsy
curse for stealing my niece’s identity!
Auntie Sofia, Toronto, Ont., Canada

When are you going to fuck the black guy?
I’m on stand-by if you need me. Tyrone, Atlanta, GA

****

Like a Virgin

Sunday, JULY 26, 2009 - 10:00am

I’m at work right
now
. Eiffel Travel is open seven days a
week and that means I’m here at least two Sundays a month.
No one else is here, which is great because I’m
listening to
Bedtime
Stories
. It’s so soothing. I could have
sex to every song on this CD. The blinds are open the way they are
supposed to be when we’re open for business, otherwise I’d be
tweaking right now.

My titty-titty-bang-bangs are in desperate
need to break free of their padded bra. Just the thought of it
secretes my hooey to the point of damp panties. Should have worn a
Stayfree. Wouldn’t it be weird if this were a naked travel agency?
I think I saw that once on HBO. We’d have to cover the chairs with
a protective film to protect them from all the pre-cum
back-lash.

If it
were
a nudie-toons, then Gina Romano
and I would be the stars since the other two women who work here
are a bit zaftig - although some men prefer that look. I shouldn’t
judge. Gina is my best friend though, and she is beautiful. She’s
Italian and Irish with dark hair, blue eyes, freckles, and
titty-ta-tas that put mine to shame. She is two years older than
me, and she’s been married for a year - to her college boyfriend
Vince, who happens to be Zeus’ bestie as well as a documentary film
director. Vince is going to videotape our wedding.

Kathy Duke-Dike, our
office manager, always seems to have a boyfriend despite putting in
over fifty hours a week and having a smushy watermelon booty-boot
from all the sitting she does at the agency. Apparently, her deep,
dark secret is that she is the blowjob queen of Schenectady – Gina
ran into a friend of a friend of hers, that’s how we know. I think
it says so in her high school yearbook.
The Duke-Dike sucks cock not pussy
–
something like that. Her lips are like balloons that could float a
pricker to the moon so it must be true.

And this is ironic - even
though she bleaches her hair blonde and wears tons of crucifixes
all the time, Kathy hates Madonna. She never lets me listen to my
pop-icon’s music, forcing me to throw my head phones on when she’s
here, which makes me seem anti-social even though I’m not. If I
don’t do that, and there are no customers, she demands we listen
full blast to oldies like instrumental versions of
Hotel California
on one
of the old lady radio stations that the travel agency allows as
their Muzak in here. Okay, so she only did that once.

Gina and Bunky Hewitt
aren’t like that when they are at work, although if I play Madonna
then Gina will want a stab at Lady Gaga as a form of compromise.
Gaga is a Madonna disciple, I think, so it’s no biggie. She was
totally doing Madonna poses in her latest video, right? Bunky’s
kind of easy-going, so she doesn’t care what we listen to, although
she prefers quiet, especially when she’s searching for the
comparative rates of flights to the Caribbean where she and her
husband have a time-share. She loves to get a good deal. When she’s
doing it though, she’s one of those
I-must-have-silence
types, as though
she’s about to concentrate on a magic trick instead of a simple
travel option.

Kathy has been here for ages, at least since
before the name change – Traveler’s Nook to Eiffel Travel when Jack
Cochran bought the business. It took years for her to climb to the
top, no BJs on that ladder, so she’s allowed to be the office
bully, I guess.

We usually work in pairs. The reason I’m
alone today is because Kathy took the morning off to take care of
her carpel tunnel problem. It’s been nagging her more often than
usual, which makes me wonder if she’s having an affair with her
doctor since I don’t know many doctors who work on Sundays (unless
she went to the ER), plus I’ve rarely seen her typing anything.
When she’s here, she’s usually on the phone chatting up all her
friends from the other Eiffel agencies across the East coast while
eating pastries.

God, I’m so bored!

Secret
– it sounds like Madonna is singing to me, personally.
Mmm-mmm, my baby’s got a secret!
I can’t concentrate on any of this paperwork that
I’m supposed to get finished before I take my honeymoon leave of
absence. I guess it’s because I do have a secret, as you know, and
there are five more to go.

I have an appointment in an hour with a man
who is about to surprise his wife of fifty years with a trip to
Paris. Doesn’t that sound so romantic? It’s on her bucket list
after surviving cancer or something. Fifty years, wow. I hope Zeus
and I last that long. We’ve been on fucky-wuck patrol for five
years already, we can totally go the distance. Time flies when you
are in love, so I’m sure we’ll get there in no time.

By the way, Mrs.
Zepkos
does
think
I’m a virgin. I knew it, which is good, I suppose. Even if she was
just implying it to be nice, and she is always nice – I have no
evil stepmother-type mother-in-law stories to share - it means that
she approves of my liaison with her son and that she respects me.
None of that behind my back gossip that a lot of our church friends
do. At least I don’t think she’s like that. What do you
think?

She had made a weird
comment while we were on the phone the other day that our Mr. &
Mrs. Zeus Zepkos wedding night needed white sheets to
capture the essence of my
chastity
. Since we weren’t face-to-face, I
couldn’t tell if she was kidding around or not so, I tried to keep
my Chad Mavis style poker face on (for my own benefit) while I
managed to say something silly like,
maybe
I should bottle it up and sell it as church
incense
. She laughed. She has to know the
truth! What does she think we have been doing for the last six
months in my apartment? She must know that we’ve been practically
living together there. Technically, he lives with his parents, but
he never actually sleeps in his bed there. He’s either travelling
or with me.
Do
we
have Mrs. Zepkos fooled?

We have absolute heaps of sex, if you must
know. Sometimes the big kazoo obliterates the feeling in my hoo-ha
from all the pounding. It’s true! Please don’t misunderstand,
bloggers. Even though, you’re probably thinking ZZ equals Zeus
Zepkos. Like he probably sleeps a lot because of the all the Zs. He
doesn’t, really. He actually has energy times infinity. His middle
name is Archimedes, by the way, so his initials are really ZAZ,
like pizzazz, you know?

You need to know that I love Zeus with all
my heart and my hooey combined, I mean, this six fuckers thingy –
it isn’t about him, because he can get it up, no worries there. I
told you why I’m doing this. Madonna came to me in a dream. It’s a
vision quest. I’m supposed to seek out a poppy field of prickers
and grab them all so that I can utter the dreamy Oz phrase about my
heart’s desire being in my own backyard. Isn’t that how happy
endings work? It’s the journey that supplies the moral, whether or
not you have it to begin with, if that makes any sense.

I’ve known Zeus since forever and, you know,
our families have been close for generations. We must be soul mates
if such a thingy exists. We look a lot alike - same big brown eyes,
brown hair (his has actual sun highlights from when he was in
California for a week last month), same exotic Mediterranean
flavor, I guess. I wouldn’t be surprised if we were related
somehow. The Greek Isles are relatively small, right? Most of our
families hail from Crete – okay, so it’s the largest one of the
islands, but still. I’ll probably end up with one of those deformed
incestuous style babies, missing forearms and such. Do you think?
My in-laws probably wouldn’t care, as long as it’s a boy. They can
be very demanding in their own nice way.

Oh, you guessed right. I’m not using birth
control. I stopped taking the pill last month in preparation for my
honeymoon. No biggie. Madonna wanted a United Colors of Benetton
family way back when she fucky-wucked Dennis Rodman without birth
control. And wasn’t Carlos Leon a Latino? I wouldn’t mind creating
a mutt baby, aren’t mutts healthier than purebreds anyhow? It’s
like that with cats and dogs. But I won’t get pregnant, right? Gina
can’t seem to get pregnant and is going in for fertility treatments
next week. It’s not that easy to put a bun in the oven these days –
Demetrios took two years to knock-up his wife. And I seriously
doubt that Mr. Softee was a threat, don’t you?

I had to cancel on Mrs. Zepkos’ offer to
take me shopping because I’d forgotten it was my Sunday to work.
I’m only here for another hour though. After work, I’m driving up
to this new health club that just opened in Rome, NY. It’s a bit
far, but they’re offering free training sessions plus I thought it
would be best not to venture into local territory for this next
escapade. Zeus has a lot of soccer buddies who frequent the gyms
around here. Wouldn’t want them looking over my shoulder. I’m sure
I can find myself a suitable personal trainer at this new place,
one who can get the task done, because when in Rome, right (wink,
wink)?

It’s an omen.

Whoops! Somehow my left
hand found its way under my dress. What the hell am I doing? I’m
masturbating at Eiffel Travel! God, my hooey is drippy. I told you
I love tweaking! I’m out of control. Damn you, Madonna, and your
sexy
Sanctuary
song! Oh, I didn’t mean that. I just crossed myself three
times, praying to any Madonna who will listen, Mother Mary or
sister singer. I am a good girl, you know. I hope you
know.

I think I see my client pulling into the
parking lot. Got to get back to work.

Oh, yeah – one more thing.
The linen department sales girl at Macy’s triggered my gaydar. She
was one of those college bi-curious types that looked like a
smiling Malibu Barbie. I stopped in for a second before work just
in case Connie had decided to spring for the sheets without me. I
wanted to see what was available. I have to call her, by the way,
and tell her what I did. I bought the stupid white Martha Stewart
sheets with the hand-crochet trim. They didn’t scream sexy
newlyweds, what was I thinking? And it’s hard to wash cum off white
sheets (these sheets had a
do not use
bleach
label). Maybe I’ll return them, and
grab another notch of gusto, girl style.

Yes? No? Maybe? Anyone?

Comments:3
Only an idiot wouldn’t use birth control.
Dr. Nancy Godwin, M.D., Pittsburgh, PA

Don’t be a fool, Pinkie.
Use a condom.Dr. Martha Quirkenbush, Schenectady,
NY
Room 1022
has been booked for August 29
^th
. I will
act
as your lover,
Dani.
Rob,
NY, NY

****

A Camel-toe’s Feathertoe

Friday, JULY 31, 2009 - 11:30pm

I’m sorry I haven’t blogged. I didn’t think
I would be, because I hate when people make excuses for their work
ethic, but I really have been very busy with wedding plans. I had a
bunch of thank you notes to write for all the gifts Zeus and I had
received at the bridal shower last month. I’m sort of old school
when it comes to thank yous, like Jackie Kennedy Onassis, as a
matter of fact. (She had married a Greek too.) Thank goodness, Gina
took very clear notes of all the cash and prizes we received at
that mega party. There must have been over three hundred women and
children there. It was a bit of a blur that Sunday with me dizzy
from several mimosas and all that Greek music playing in the
background. I had to load up on chicken Cordon Bleu and roasted
potatoes to stop from spinning.

So I was all
thanks so much for the beautiful
(read hideous)
T.J.
Maxxinista glass vase and the lovely
(not
soft)
handmade variegated threaded
afghan
. Of course, I am grateful for all
merchandise, but it’s a real disappointment to receive these
dislikes when I had taken the time to drag my very busy fiancé to
the gift registry of several stores. I had forced him to help
select stuff for the home we will soon permanently share, only to
end up receiving random items that we didn’t want or need. Aargh,
the potential clutter!

At least the thank you
note stationery is super cheerful. It matches the wedding
invitation – white cardstock with an embossed Art Deco floral, and
with the official engagement photograph of Zeus and me hidden
inside. I love my own handwriting – very steady as she goes with
lots of loops. I heart my
I
s too instead of dotting them. They
are prettier that way, don’t you think? Plus, as you know, I do
like to write, which is probably why they took so long to
do.