quintessence. (26 page)

We took a seat at a table once we got our coffees and Sabrina sat across from us. “You know, I’ve spent a lot of time here with Jackson’s physical therapy. He always wants to get back to how he was. He tells me that all the time. But, I’ve told him, you can’t. You have to adjust to life, man.”

She toyed with her cup and I looked at the rings that adorned her fingers. They were big and chunky and full of life. “I’ve learned that as well,” I said to her. I took her hand in mine and gave it a gentle squeeze. I saw how she fidgeted with it, trying to push her thoughts out through the motion. “I know I just met you, but please don’t be afraid to talk if I’m here. If you need me to, I can go so you can just talk to Karl.”

“Of course not, girl,” she said, letting go of my hand and twirling her finger at me. “You seem like a great person. For Karl to be so taken by you, I imagine you have to be. And, any girl who’s captured Karl in such a way is a friend of mine.” She nodded before taking a drink and pulling her leg up next to her on the bench. She rested her elbow on her knee, and drank her coffee in silence for a few moments. “I love Jackson. He’s my other. Where I’m crazy, he’s sane and where I’m sane, he’s crazy. We balance the shit out of each other and I’m at a loss right now. He’s lying up there in that bed in complete silence and that’s not cool for me. I can’t watch him in silence like that. We never have silence.”

“You know, maybe don’t look at it as silence, but a different way of communicating. I’m sure he knows you’re present with him. You can communicate in other ways. He may be silent, but you don’t have to be,” I said.

“You’re right. I know. But, I just want him to wake up,” she said with a smile, trying to fight her tears. She looked out the window, watching the snow fall. She curled up in her sweater and smiled at me. “Karl, she’s a keeper. Just saying, man—she’s like you, but a chick.”

Karl laughed beside me. “I wouldn’t go that far.” He looked toward me. “But, I would say we both share a simple love and appreciation of life and talking. There is a lot of talking between us.”

I laughed and hugged his arm.

“That’s fantastic, man,” Sabrina said, finishing her coffee. “I want to get back to Jackson.”

Karl nodded and took my hand as we stood from the table He leaned to my ear and whispered, “I love you.”

“I know you do,” I said, leaning my ear toward him to kiss.

“This fucking sucks,” I said, stepping from the elevator and following Sabrina. She moved faster than us, as if she couldn’t spare the few seconds walking would take to get back to him.

“That’s a first I’ve heard from your mouth,” Margaret said, tightening her grip on my hand.

“I know. I don’t say it often. Sucks isn’t a word I like to say much.”

I got the reaction I hoped for in her laughter.

“Why don’t we do something for him as well?” she asked, lifting her hand to the back of my neck and massaging the base of my skull. Her fingers reached under the hat I wore and moved to massaging my scalp. “You know, Sabrina will do something. You should tell him a story. Remind him he’s not alone. I imagine there’s a part of him conscious in there that is just waiting to hear from his friend.”

“That’s an idea,” I said.

I turned to look at her and felt my lip turn up in a smile, without intending it to do it. It happened when I looked at her.

“Do you need to get somewhere? I don’t want to keep you away from anything,” I said.

“Are you serious?” she asked, digging her fingers into my scalp. “I don’t want to be anywhere else. This is where I want to be. I sent a text to my mom to reschedule my appointment. I can go another day. I mean, it was to give me my diagnosis, but we all know what it will be. If I find out today or in a few days, it will not change anything.”

“We can still go to it,” I said, taking her hand from my head and kissing her palm. “Jackson would be pissed if he knew you did that for this.”

__________

“So is that how you and Jackson met for real?” Margaret asked, pulling out of the parking deck and heading toward her doctor’s office.

“Yes, it is. I met him at the recruitment office and we went out that night and have been close since.”

“How come we’ve not seen him around much? I mean, I know you go out with the guys a lot, but why doesn’t he?”

“Jackson doesn’t drink. He never has. He and I have more fun just fishing or hiking. He’s quite the outdoorsmen. How’re you doing?” I asked, watching her expression change as I asked the question.

“I’m okay. I feel like I might puke or shit my pants though because my nerves are so crazy. I feel worse than I did the day I had my spinal tap.”

I laughed at her crudeness. It fit her.

The doctor’s office was a five minute drive, and she put the car into park. She stared at her hands on the wheel for a time before she turned the car off and looked at me. “What am I going to do?” she asked.

“
We
will live, no matter what they say. That’s all we can focus on, is living. All of us know what the end result will be no matter what diagnosis we have or if we even have one. We are just lucky enough to know now and that’s both a burden and a blessing. It’s a burden carrying around this knowledge of what it feels like to be unsure of your future. But, it’s also a blessing, too. It’s like you see the world different. It’s more beautiful. The little things of life stick with you longer. Every moment becomes valuable.”

“Well then since you put it that way.” She put her hand on my face and pulled me toward her for a kiss. “I love your beard, by the way. I love your eyes too. When I look in them, I kind of get the same feeling I do when I dance. It is elation and freedom walking hand in hand. You’re awesome Karl Samson.”

Pieces pulled together now in such a manner that there was no separation between us. It didn’t matter how long we had been together. “Time doesn’t exist with love like this,” I said, running my finger across her ear.

“That’s one of the most perfect sentences I’ve ever heard,” she said with a smile. “No, it
is
the most perfect one. I don’t know how anyone could ever top it.”

“That just means I will have to keep working at providing you with more perfect sentences then,” I said with a laugh.

“That you are.” She winked at me before turning to climb out of the car.

We walked into the building hand in hand. With each step we took, I knew there was no way to sever the tie between us. I thought back to the first vision I fought with over my relationship with her. I stopped her mid step and had her face me. “When I first met you, I remembered these little pockets my grandma used to make. She would sew them together and then put gifts in them for people. It was silly, but I sometimes wonder if my boxes came from it. She called them the gift givers. She said that whatever she wanted for someone that year or during that time, she would put into one for them. It wasn’t a purchased gift, most of the time it was just a word. A single word she thought someone would learn more about themselves from claiming. I received determination and forgiveness when I was younger. Then, one of the last ones she gave me was
her
word. She said it was the word she heard once and clung to. It was
quintessence
. I had never heard the word before and wondered what she got from it.” Margaret kept her brow trained tightly as she listened to my every word.

“She told me quintessence mean
t
the essence of a thing in its purest and most concentrated form. She said that’s what she strived for in life—her purest and most concentrated version of herself. When I met you, I thought of those gift givers. It was like the way I felt around you was one of those being sewn together. The more I got to know you, the tighter the thread pulled. Then, that word is what I have watched you discover in yourself. Your purity and vitality are intoxicating. You’ve reminded me that no matter what happens, we can’t give up.”

“Well. That was amazing,” she said with a sigh, trying to hold her lip in and not to get emotional.

“Was it a whole slew of perfect sentences for you?” I asked with a smile, wanting to bring a smile to her face in turn.

“Yes, yes it was, Karl.” She put one hand in the pocket of her sweater and the other through my arm.

__________

“It’s as we believed it was, Margaret. It is multiple sclerosis.” The doctor spoke with a sentimental tone, leaning onto his knees and toward her. “How have your symptoms been?”

“Well, since the first time I was in here, they’ve become better. I’ve not had the issues I did earlier this year. My leg is still bothering me though. The limp comes and goes. I get tightness in the middle of the night on occasion.” I watched the inconsequential way she spoke. She was distancing her emotions from the conversation— not as if she didn’t see the seriousness of the situation—and using her determination to move forward. She distanced herself from the disease to focus on growing from it. It was an obstacle for her that she wouldn’t just jump over—she’d kick it down. I smiled as I envisioned her knocking it down and stomping it with her heel before she brushed off her hands and continued on her way. Yes, that’s how Margaret would handle this.

“Okay, we can show you some things you can do to help with that. If it gets too bad we can give you some muscle relaxers or send you to physical therapy,” He said.

“I’d prefer the physical therapy. I don’t want to go the medication route just yet,” Margaret said.

“Okay, I will make note of that. You should know that there is no cure for M.S., but there is a variety of medicines you can try to slow the progress.”

“Okay, I will make note of that.” Margaret smiled and gave the doctor a wink.

“How about you, son? Do you have some questions for me?”

“Me?” I asked.

“Well, yes. You have been here with her at appointments. I wondered if there was something you had thought of that she and I haven’t covered yet.”

I looked to Margaret with a smile. “I don’t, sir.”

“Eda will be in to go over your physical therapy appointment.”

The doctor shook both our hands then exited the room. A few minutes later, the nurse named Eda entered. She took her seat across from us and gave a tender smile to Margaret.

“I rarely say this, because it isn’t my place, but I can see strength in you. Sometimes, people get a diagnosis and they give up. They let the diagnosis define them and consume them. I don’t see that with you. You’re resilient. You are bouncing back already.”

“Thank you, that means a lot,” Margaret said, looking with shyness at me.

“You are most welcome, Margaret. Now, let’s get you scheduled for some physical therapy to help you out with your muscle spasms.”

__________

We ate a late lunch and then headed back to Jackson’s hospital room. I didn’t want to go back just yet, but Margaret insisted on spending time there for Sabrina.

When we entered the room, I saw that Sabrina looked more tired than she did earlier. “Where’s Isabelle?” I asked, taking the seat next to Sabrina and Margaret sat in the lounge chair on the other side of Jackson’s bed.

“She went home. She said she couldn’t watch him anymore.”

I put my arm around Sabrina. She buried her face into my arm and she began to cry. “He woke up earlier. He smiled and then went right back to sleep. It made me so happy. I’ve never cried this much from happiness before. With the accident before, he was conscious, and it made it bearable to see his injuries. He even called me from the hospital—do you remember that?” I nodded. “Well, I was so freakin’ afraid that he had officially left me now, that there was no hope for us—that he would be gone. But talking to him earlier broke me.’

I looked across his bed to Margaret and felt a tug at my chest. She needed to know what that box she found meant. But, I didn’t know if I was ready to tell her.

I glanced at Jackson and jumped at the sight of him. He smiled at me and laughed. “Hi, Karl.”

Sabrina jumped from her seat and wrapped herself around him. “God, I love you.”

Margaret laughed and Jackson looked toward her. “Hey Maggie, nice to see you again,” he said.

“You too, Jackson. I like your hat,” she said with a smile.

He raised his hand to his head and felt the bandage. “Yeah, they told me earlier I hit it bad, but no concussion. They couldn’t figure out why I was in a coma for so many hours though. Maybe I just needed some sleep?” He laughed.

“Well, you scared the shit out of all of us. Next time you go out, make sure you bring someone with you. It took an hour to find you, and when I found you—I never want to experience anything like that again,” Sabrina said.

“You won’t,” he said as he kissed her head and pulled her toward him. “You won’t. I wasn’t thinking. I just wanted to do it—to prove to myself that I could. I wasn’t thinking about anyone else and I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you,” she said, kissing his chin.

He let go of her and put a hand toward me. I took hold of it and he pulled me in for a hug. “How’re you doing, Karl? You feeling okay? I don’t like being the center of attention, so I will divert it all onto you? Has the one guy come back yet so you can have your surgery?”

Shit.

I looked to Margaret who had a questioning expression on her face. “Uh, Jackson, let’s talk about that later. You need to get some rest man,” I said.

“I’ve been resting. This is nothing. I will go home tomorrow, I’m sure. But you, I want to hear about you and Maggie and I want to hear about the good news you found out last week.”

“Good news?” Margaret asked.

Jackson looked toward her and I looked down.

“Yeah, Karl found a match. No more worrying about what will happen with him. He’s got a kidney on the way.”

“Kidney on the way?” she asked, looking at me.

“Yes, I didn’t tell you the whole story earlier. After the accident, I lost a kidney and the other one has had issues from an infection after the accident. I’m still functioning, I’m still fine—so it’s not an urgent thing. But, I have to have a transplant at some point. They say the sooner the better though. Since it’s not urgent I wasn’t on a list. But, I could get one from someone who would donate.”

She turned her head in question and I saw the pain from my keeping it from her. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It wasn’t urgent—and I didn’t want to tell you who the donor will be before I told him.”

“Who?” she asked as she stepped toward me and took Sabrina’s vacant seat.

“It’s Toby. He was the first to suggest getting tested, so it was ironic that he was the one match,” I said.