Racing to Love: Eli's Honor (27 page)

His stomach dropped. A ripple of heat and fear washed across his skin. A sixth sense about the conversation he wanted to have with Honor flashed through him. He had questions he had wanted to ask, but now dreaded the prospect. He knew the answers.

She wasn’t staying.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

She was trying to hold it together. After the kiss at the party, something happened, a shift in their relationship, or whatever it was they had.

Friendship, relationship, more than acquaintances, hell it didn’t matter, whatever it was it was strained. It was as if suddenly, even without the words, he knew she couldn’t stay. Instead of pulling away, which would have been a thousand times easier, he tightened his grip on her heart.

The touches she’d become used to from the first night, became more frequent, and not subtle in the least. Before he’d been careful to keep their attraction private. She assumed to be cautious about Dallas’s feelings. Now though, it was as if he wanted Dallas to see how he felt for her. Hidden kisses, that before that night, he would have placed near her ear in the guise of telling her a secret—were no longer secret. Her cheek, her hand, her head, and twice when she hadn’t been expecting it, he’d kissed her on the lips with Dallas in the room.

She didn’t want the confrontation, and she should have told him to quit giving
Dallas false hope, but a selfish piece of her wanted those touches and those few last kisses. Those memories would have to last a lifetime. So over the last few days she gathered up as many as she could, locking them away like treasured gold.

Then Hell opened up and swallowed her alive.

Eli tugged once on Dallas’s shirtsleeve, but when he didn’t budge, he had to physically unwrap her son’s arms from the tight hold he had on Karen and James. She lowered her eyes, the pain of their goodbye was more than she could handle.

The boy who never cried, probably a result of her own example, had tears running down his face as Eli walked him under his arm to the car. She sat beside Eli in the front of the black SUV. The smell of leather that she normally drank in, now nauseated her. As Eli shut his door, it hit her with a force she couldn’t bear. Honor hadn’t meant to get attached. She hadn’t wanted to let anyone into her heart.

She’d been so stupid. Allowing herself to play house. Allowing reality to fade into the background. Mistakenly, she had allowed herself—to hope.

Her fantasy world crashed around her as the familiar white fence passed by.

Eli’s open hand slid across the console. Shutting her eyes against the pain of watching the one place on earth she wanted to be slowly disappear behind her, she laid her hand in his and squeezed.

It only continued to get worse.

Honor thought pulling out of the main gate on the Noland’s property was hard, and the ride to the airport was excruciating, but when Dallas pushed himself away from her and ran back into Eli’s arms while they stood in line for security—that was unbearable. Watching the man she loved more than anything, hold the child she’d die for, both with tears streaming down their faces was heartbreaking.

People stopped and stared, and two separate times she was glared at with a raised eyebrow. It was as if she was separating a child and his beloved father. Without knowledge of their situation, Honor appeared to be the enemy to those passers-by. Looking side-to-side, she bit her lip while trying to avoid his gaze. There was so much pain in his eyes, pain she knew she was responsible for.

Surrounded by people and a hundred different conversations, suitcase handles snapping as they were lowered and placed near the security check, and the overhead announcements, all she heard was one man, one voice.

“Please, Honor. Don’t go. Don’t do this. Give us a chance…
please
.”

His plea and that damn word again—the way he looked at her when he said it was sincere and from the bottom of his heart. She knew that. Honor could see the pain in his face and it killed her. She knew he could give her and Dallas the world, but what happened when he was tired of them? What happened if it didn’t work out? That heartbreak would be ten-fold.

The attendant made the first call for their flight. Eli mumbled something to Dallas, but her son shook his head, refusing to let go of the man he’d hung so many hopes and dreams on. Ones that she’d refused to let herself believe were that strong—until she couldn’t pretend anymore, not with Dallas clinging to Eli as if his life depended on it.

Holding her son tightly to him, Eli mouthed the word
please
again. Tilting his head, the begging deepened the creases across his forehead.

Minutes past, and a second call was made…then the final call. When Eli said nothing else, Honor was forced to decide for him.

With tears rolling down her face, the salt running past her lips she simply held out her hand for Dallas.

Eli squeezed the child he’d practically adopted as his own one more time then patted
Dallas on the back.

His voice calm, but choked. “I love you, buddy. Go on, be good for your mom. I’ll come see you soon. I promise, son.”

The hopelessness on Dallas’s face as he reluctantly loosened his hold and stepped back was more than he could stand. The tears that streamed down the child’s face killed him. Eli’s heart was being ripped out right then and there. Never had he felt so helpless in his life. He could do nothing but stand there and watch as they disappeared into the sea of people.

And just like that they were gone.

He sat close to the security exit. Waiting, hoping, and praying they’d come back. When the cell resting on his thigh showed their departure time come and go, his heart dropped. They had gotten on the plane. His one last hope, that she’d change her mind, faded. Afraid to move for fear he’d throw up, he lowered his head into his hands.

With every ring of the cell still resting on his thigh, his heart would race, until his mind would process that it wasn’t her. She wasn’t wandering the airport to see if he was still there, she wasn’t wanting to come back home. Call after call he hit decline.

If he could make it to the airport bar, he’d order a stiff drink, something to dull the hurt. He couldn’t trust his body not to crumble upon standing though.

The phone on his leg rang again. Molly. For her, he’d answer.

“Yeah.” His voice cracked and he cleared his throat. “Yeah, babe?”

“You want me to come get you?”

Pushing down the knot in his throat, Eli shut his eyes and leaned back against the cold leather chair.

Still sitting with people wandering around him, he let out a breath. Some were excited families ready to go on their long awaited vacation. Some were by themselves in business attire with just a laptop case and a small pull-behind. However, there was one couple he knew could understand his pain that had been standing not far from him for the last hour, her in tears…him in fatigues.

All he could tell himself was that there was one place worse to be than sitting alone in an airport, and that had to be a hospital. Thank God for small bittersweet miracles. Eli let out a quiet snort.

“Why would you do that, D?”

“Because I know her plane left over an hour and a half ago. You should be home by now.”

“Oh, Molly.” He choked and the words stuck in his throat.

“Go to her, Eli.”

He shook his head and let out an audible huff.

“I’m serious, Eli. Get on a damn plane and go to her.”

“But, Mol—“

“Eli…do you love her?”

The air left his lungs with an audible swoosh. “Oh God…yes. Yes, I do! But she walked away when I asked for the chance to see if it would work.”

“Damn it, Eli.” Molly’s exasperated sigh was heard over the phone. “She can’t do chance. Hell, I admire her even more now. She has a child—”

“I know!”

“Listen. She loves you, Eli. You have to know that. It’s killing her, but she loves you. You have to know just how bad it hurt her to walk away from you. But she can’t do chance. She can’t see if it’ll work. She is being a damn good mother trying to protect her son from getting hurt.”

His free hand fisted, and he leaned forward, resting his forehead against it. “I’m not going to hurt him, Molly. Damn it, you of all people know me better than that.” He said through gritted teeth.

“You’re right, Eli. You won’t hurt him.” Her voice rose with each word. “If it doesn’t work…you’ll
destroy
him.”

Molly’s words stilled him. His breath caught and his pulse pounded in his ears.

Calmer, she asked. “Do you really love her?”

Pain and anger swirled through him, but Molly’s statement almost stopped his heart. “Yes.” He numbly answered. “God…more than anything in the world.”

“Did you tell her?”

He heard Honor’s laughter, could see her smiling. Pictures flashed through his mind, different places, different times, all moments that he could have said it. Times that he should have said it—but he never did.

Those were the three words he’d been afraid to say. Not from his own fear, but they stopped on the tip of his tongue several times. He was afraid his feelings were too strong, too soon, and they would spook her.

Afraid that telling her how he felt would…scare her off. He swallowed hard. Reality slammed into him. He’d been afraid of her doing exactly what she did. So he’d said nothing, and she’d done just that…
left
.

His silence must have answered her question.

“Oh, Eli. You have to tell her. It’s all or nothing. She can’t do chance or maybe. You need to figure out if you love her enough to let her go, or…if you love her enough to give her what she needs.”

“I’ve gotta go—”. He disconnected the call and ran.

Dallas had stormed into his bedroom and slammed the door. She flinched at the noise as it shook the windows in their small home. In trying to protect him, she realized, she might very well have lost him.

Two hours later, he still hadn’t made an appearance yet, and the Advil hadn’t done a damn thing for her head. Sitting in the small white house that had been home for twelve years, on the couch that was older than that, she felt alone.

This was just a house, not home anymore. Not after being at Eli’s. Especially after the night of the party. That was home. It was the laughter, the constant flood of friends everyone considered family, coming in and out. And it was the loud dinners with children running around giggling as they darted away from fingers threatening to tickle them. That was how
home
should feel. Her simple white walls and sparse furniture, with only pictures of Dallas to decorate the house, were a painful reminder of what her reality was.

She was back to the place where it was empty and hard to make ends meet, back to cleaning other people’s homes, back to doing it all for her son’s racing with little help. Back to complete loneliness.

Except this time, she knew what the alternative could feel like, and that hurt so much more than before.

Sitting in the middle of the worn suede couch, absentmindedly running her finger over the hole in the fabric of the cushion next to her, she closed her eyes. In the quiet of the living room, with only the late afternoon sun pouring in the picture window to light the house, she broke one of her own steadfast rules—and cried.

Honor had held it in as long as she could, she just didn’t have the strength to take it any longer. Letting the tears fall, wrapping her arms around her waist, she sat as her stomach threatened to turn on her, and her heart broke the rest of the way. Sitting in her own house was the last turn the knife needed to hurt her the most, reminding her of what she’d left behind, and what she could never have again.

Honor knew she looked like a train wreck, her mascara running, red blotches and puffy eyes. She knew
Dallas would eventually surface looking for food. He’d see her and he would be worried, but at the moment, she was in too much pain to stop. The floodgates had opened.

Eventually the hurt would subside she told herself. Eventually she’d quit hearing his voice in her head and remembering what it felt like to be in his arms. Eventually the fire from his kisses would…
no
.

She’d never be able to forget the way he could set her ablaze with the softest of his kisses. She had fooled herself in
Pennsylvania, but she wasn’t stupid enough to tell herself that lie. There would be no forgetting. It’d been hours and she could still feel his last kiss as he pressed into her.

Rocks crunched and flew as a car came tearing up her driveway.

“Oh holy hell. Not now.” She said through gritted teeth into the empty room.

Honor loved Mac with all her heart, but he could not see her like this. That was why she’d opted to pay for a cab instead of having him pick them up at the airport. Hearing the car door open and close, she swiped at the tears. There was nothing she could do about the red blotches on her face and neck.

Pushing herself off the couch, she started toward the kitchen knowing Mac would just come through the garage, using that entrance as he had for years instead of the front door. She needed to head him off and let him know what was going on before he saw Dallas.

The knock at the door stopped her.

Forgetting the current signs of a breakdown written all over her face, she crossed the small living room in less than ten steps. Yanking open the front door, she…quit breathing.