Rafe's Redemption (23 page)

He gave one sharp nod. “My stepbrother, Maggie.” Catching her chin between his fingers, he forced her to look at him. “I killed my own stepbrother.” Her sob shredded Rafe’s heart. He looked away from the tears streaming down her face and stared into the flames, ready for the disgusted slap she was sure to deliver. Dropping his hands to the edge of the chair, he released her. She’d walk away now, physically and emotionally. It had been a damned foolish dream to think she’d ever be his anyway.

He waited, each beat of his heart like the gong of a church bell, ringing out the last seconds of a man’s life.

But she didn’t move except to swipe her cheeks with the back of her hands. “Tell me the rest. I have to know.” The words froze in his throat. For so long, he’d pushed the memory to the back of his mind, not knowing if he had the strength to relive it. He wasn’t sure he had the strength now.

“I—we—” He stopped and sucked a mouthful of air, blowing it out slowly before starting again. “We three boys joined the cavalry when the first call for volunteers went out. Simon and I quickly advanced in rank. We soon made captain and were each given our own unit.” Rafe tapped the floor with his foot, setting the rocker into motion. “Shane was never promoted past corporal. His temper and lack of control kept him continually in trouble.

“In the spring of ‘62, he was transferred under my command. Since we were family, I tried to deal with his incompetence instead of doing what I should have and discharged him.” Rafe stopped rocking, lost in the memory of that day.

“A fter A ppomattox, my unit was supposed to rendezvous with Simon’s at Fort D in Cape Girardeau, before riding to St. Louis to give final reports.” He started rocking again, faster, faster, trying to outrun the horrors.

“We were coming up through A rkansas and stopped to rest. There was a burned-out farmhouse by the creek where we watered the horses. Some of the men poked around the ruins looking for food.

“A ll of a sudden, I heard a woman scream. I left the creek and ran to the old house. Shane had pulled a woman out of the root cellar by the hair.” A shudder ran through him despite the warmth of the fire.

“Shane had her on the ground, tearing at her dress before I could get there. A few of the other men watched, which only encouraged him.

“I ordered him to stop, but,” Rafe swallowed hard,

“but he said the war was over. Told me to go to hell.

Then he raised her skirt and climbed between her legs. I drew my pistol and once again ordered him to stop.” The events played through his mind like a theatre show. The woman, the boy. Shane.

“A boy—a little boy—crawled out of that cellar, dragging a double barrel shotgun. He couldn’t have been more than five years old. Hell, he couldn’t even hold the barrel straight. The woman screamed for him to go back.”

Rafe fought the tears stinging his eyes. He could feel the heat of sun that day, taste the bitter dust, smell the acrid smoke. That little boy’s grim face was as clear as if it all happened yesterday.

“Say it, Rafe. You have to say it.” Maggie’s voice was a bare whisper.

“The boy managed to pull both the hammers on the gun.” Rafe closed his eyes seeing those tiny shaking hands. “Shane just laughed and took aim at the boy with his revolver…and cocked the…” He swallowed thick bile and forced the words past his lips. “So I killed him.” A shudder tore through him, and he bowed his head as humiliating tears rolled down his face. Relief and regret mixed. Finally someone knew the truth. But it didn’t make what had happened any less disgusting. A nd what woman wanted to live with that?

“You can go now.” The statement came out as a command, but he didn’t apologize. He wouldn’t, couldn’t.

His own throat closed over threatening tears, tears he hadn’t let out for almost two years.

“Go? Where?”

She reached for him, but he shrugged her away. The pain was unbearable. Every minute she sat looking at him with those haunted eyes made him want to drop to his knees and beg her to stay, to understand. To forgive.

But that would be impossible. Like Pearl, Maggie wouldn’t stay with a killer. Hell, his own mother had turned her back on him that day.

“For now, just go to bed.” He hardened his damned trembling voice. “I’ll stay in the barn.” He couldn’t very well let her run out into the cold.

“Why? What did I do wrong?”

Damn. Damn, damn, damn. She had done nothing.

This suffering was all his fault.

“Tell me. What did I—” Suddenly she straightened, and her reddened eyes narrowed. “You are the stupidest man I have ever met!”

His head snapped up to catch her furious expression.

“How am I being stupid?”

“You’re pushing me away again.” She bit back a shuddering sob and glared at him.

“Maggie…” He fisted his hands at his sides, the only way he could keep from gathering her close. “Don’t cry over me. I’m not worth it.”

“Yes, you are,” she wailed. Her defiant expression crumbled. She threw her arms around his neck and rained sloppy kisses over his jaw, his nose, his eyes.

He kept himself rigid. If he touched her, he would be lost, and any minute she would realize the extent of what he’d done. Then she’d walk away and never look back.

A nd he would die inside.

“Put your arms around me, damn you.” She grabbed his hands and pulled him close. “I will not let you push me away. You can’t. Not after tonight. Never again.” He brushed her flushed cheek with the back of his knuckles and shook his head. “Maggie, I don’t expect you to accept this. Or me. No respectable woman would.” Her chin thrust forward. “Well, then, I guess I’m not respectable.” Then her gaze flared with anger. “A nd by God, I’m not her, so don’t make comparisons.”

“Her, who?”

“Your fiancée.”

Rafe frowned. “How do you know about—Oh.” Damn, he regretted drinking so much, talking so much, that first night in Cougar Creek. “Tom told you, didn’t he?”

She nodded.

He dropped his head to the back of the chair. “I know you’re not her, but it doesn’t change what I did. I won’t blame you if you—”

Her fingers covered his mouth. “Don’t you remember what you said in the barn yesterday?”

He shrugged. “We said a lot of things.” But he remembered. Every single word.

“You told me I belonged to you.” Her voice trembled.

His heart kicked a little at her words. “Yes.” Oh, God.

He didn’t want to get his hopes up.

“Well, I do,” she insisted, cupping his face between her palms. “A nd you belong to me. We just made love!”

“I know that.” Dear God, the scent of their lovemaking still filled the cabin.

“Then stop, Rafe. Stop.” She brushed a kiss across his lips. “Don’t push me away. Together we can find a way to get past what happened.”

“I don’t know.” He shook his head. “I’m not sure I can get past it.”

“I wasn’t sure I’d survive the trip to California with Michael either. Then a man the likes of whom I never knew existed helped me, showed me that I’m stronger than I ever thought. Now I’m sure I can do anything I put my mind to.” She squeezed his hand. “You can, too.

I’ll help.”

He felt a melancholy smile pull his mouth. “You’re determined to help me, aren’t you?”

“Yes, because you did the right thing.” Maggie gripped his chin and forced him to look into her eyes.

“You took one life, but saved two. It would have killed the mother if Shane shot her boy. No matter what happened after that, her life would have been over.” She brushed the tears that rolled down his face, then swiped her own. “Only a good man could make that kind of impossible choice.”

“But—”

She placed her fingers over his mouth again. “A nd only a good man would still be haunted by that decision.” Rafe searched her face, blinking once, twice, then shook his head. How could she still call him a good man?

“You know it’s true. I’ve heard the right choice is the hardest one to make. Shane chose his fate.” She cupped his cheek. “Stop blaming yourself. You stopped a killer and rapist.”

His eyes slid shut, and he dropped his head to the back of the chair again.

He started rocking again, a gentle, soothing rhythm, holding Maggie like a child. They rocked until his eyes grew heavy.

“Maggie?” Rafe kissed her forehead.

“Hmm.” She snuggled to him.

“Let’s go to bed. Come on. We’ll be more comfortable there.”

He stood and groaned, working the kinks from his body. Maggie swayed, a large yawn wrinkling her face.

“I shouldn’t have sat on you so long.” Her hands smoothed over his tense shoulders. “Come on.” She took him by the hand. “I’ll rub your back.”

He lay face down across the bed, and she knelt on the mattress, kneading his muscles like bread dough.

“Feel good?”

“Yes.” He rolled to his side. “But I need to hold you.” Needed to convince himself she wasn’t going to change her mind.

He tugged Maggie into his arms and ran his hand through her hair, twisting her curls around his finger, dreading to tell the rest of the story. Knowing it had to be done.

“I headed to St. Louis that night,” he whispered. “I left my sergeant in charge, loaded the body, and didn’t stop until I reached Jefferson Barracks.” His eyes closed.

“I was cleared of any charges. Rape—even of a secessionist—was punishable by death. But I still had to tell our family.”

She smoothed her hands over his chest. “I can’t imagine the courage it took to tell a man you killed his son.”

“I didn’t have to. By the time I got home, Simon had rendezvoused with my unit in southern Missouri and had telegraphed ahead. Seymour met me at the door and shoved a gun into my gut.” Rafe’s voice faded, and he took a deep breath. “A t that moment, I wanted him to pull the trigger.”

Maggie shuddered. “A nd your mother?”

“Oh.” He barked a bitter laugh. “She took Seymour’s side. Though, she did convince him not to shoot me.

Maybe she didn’t want to watch me die, maybe she just didn’t want the neighbors to see. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.” He shrugged, the pain from that betrayal a little less sharp with Maggie in his arms. “But she told me to never come back and slammed the door in my face.”

“Oh, Rafe.” Tightness filled her voice. “Where did you go?”

“To—” He stopped, unsure of how Maggie would react to hearing about Pearl.

“Oh. You went to your fiancée.”

He nodded, remembering how his hands shook that day as he knocked on Pearl’s father’s door.

“But she didn’t want to come here?” Maggie asked.

Rafe blew a disgusted snort. “She didn’t want anything to do with me.”

He felt Maggie’s throat buckle against his shoulder as she swallowed. “I’m sorry she hurt you, sorry you had to leave her behind.”

“It’s not like you make it sound.”

“I didn’t mean—”

“Yes, you did.” Rafe turned her head so she had to look at him. “You seem to know exactly how I feel.” He trailed a finger down her cheek. “Don’t you think I might know what you feel? Just a little?”

“I guess not,” she whispered. “I don’t know. I was just…”

“Jealous?” He felt the corner of his mouth tilt. Maggie was jealous.

She shrugged. “So what happened?”

“When I asked her to come West with me, she called this a godforsaken wilderness.” He shrugged. “I don’t know why I ever expected she would act any other way.

Pearl cared about money, social position. I would have been miserable with her. Even though I was raised in that world, this one called to me. Every story I ever read about the wild frontier made me want this life.” She hugged him. “A t least I know why you’ve had such a hard time trusting me.”

“I trust you now.”

She smiled, then snuggled against him, her back to his front. He draped his arm over her waist, holding her close.

“Thank you, Maggie.” His lips brushed her hair, a peace settling in his soul. How had he gotten so lucky as to have this woman in his life?

“For what?”

“Believing in me. Nobody else did.”

“Of course I believe in you,” she mumbled sleepily. “I love you.”

Rafe froze. Her sleepy confession might have been accidental, but there was no doubt in his mind she meant the words.

“Maggie.” He kissed her temple, but her eyes remained closed.

“Ummhmm.”

He brushed another kiss to her cheek, then buried his face in her hair. Love. She loved him. Did he love her?

Yes, he wanted her, needed her, but not just physically.

They belonged together. He had never met another woman like her. She made him feel like a better man, made him want to be a better man. Which meant he had to settle his past, settle with Simon.

His mind raced to find an answer.

Once Maggie was safe in St. Louis, he could go find his stepbrother. A lmost two years had passed. But was it enough? Would Simon listen to Rafe? They both knew what kind of man Shane had been, his cruelty a constant threat as the boys grew into men.

Still, family was family. Rafe was the outcast. But he had to find an answer. Living like this was unacceptable.

He would not put the woman he loved in danger.

Loved? Yes, loved.

A calm folded over him as he curled around Maggie and inhaled her sweet scent. The dream of a cattle ranch seemed more important now, more obtainable. He could build a real life for them. A big house, lots of children…it was all within reach.