Rain 01 When It Rains (33 page)

Asher starts to stir beside me again, and I lift my head up to look into his mesmerizing blue eyes in case it’s the last time he can ever open them. The light behind them is gone, but the same unique crystal blue remains. A tear slips from my cheek and falls on his lips but I kiss it away, tasting the salty liquid. I linger there for several seconds, not wanting the moment to ever end. When I sit back up, his eyes are closed and his breathing is labored.

His body has been going through so much, and his spirit has been broken for days. It’s to the point where I know that this is what’s best for him. A person can only suffer for so long before the agony starts to strip them of who they are.

I can’t physically or emotionally do this for much longer.

His dad, who sits in the chair on the side of the bed, notices too. He crumbles, covering his face with his hands. I’ve never seen a man more broken. It’s sad that it took this to bring them back together and that they didn’t have time to mend all the issues between them. He scoots closer to the bed and wraps Asher’s hand in both of his.

I wish I was strong enough for all of us, but I’m not.

I lay my cheek next to Asher’s on the pillow, letting my tears soak through the cotton underneath me. This would forever be etched in my mind.

Asher inhales a deep breath. “When it rains, Kate. Remember me.” His voice is so low, but every word registers with me. It’s his goodbye. I know it is. He’s struggling to breathe as I rest my cheek against his shoulder.

“I love you, Asher,” I whisper, running my fingers through his hair. He doesn’t move, but my pleas continue, hoping he can hear me. “I’m so glad that you found me. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ll always remember you.” I sob, moving a little closer. “You’ll always be in my heart,” I whisper right next to his ear, hoping he can hear me.

His breathing slows even more. I grip his t-shirt with my fist and pinch my eyes shut, letting his usual scent fill me. I run my fingertips over his facial features, memorizing each and every one of them. If I can’t have him here forever, I’m going to cement everything about him into my mind so that it’s with me whenever I need it.

“You mean everything to me,” I whisper.

Daniel cries out from the chair on the other side of the bed. He’d been so quiet; I forgot he was even here. “He’s gone, Kate.”

I lift my head and look down at the man whose soul is connected to mine. He’s turning paler, and when I put my hand over the heart that saved me, I feel nothing. He’s gone. The man who brought me back to life just lost his.

Time stands still.

I feel lost, like I’m not actually in my own body.

I’ve known for a while that this day would come, but I never let it seep into my heart enough to truly feel it. Reality has hit me hard and knocked me out.

“I’m going to make some calls,” Daniel says, barely able to get the words out.

I don’t even glance in her direction. I keep my eyes locked on Asher. I think I love him more now than I did when I woke up this morning. He looks peaceful, like he has the countless other times I’ve watched him sleep, but this time is different.

I’ll never get to see his eyes again.

I’m still breathing, blood is still pumping through my body, but the rest of me . . . empty. Without Asher, I’m having a hard time seeing what’s in front of me. I don’t know where to go from here. I do know that I owe it to him not to fall back into my old pattern of self-loathing. My way of keeping his memory alive is to live my life. I have a chance to do things that he will never get to experience.

“I’m going to go fishing next summer,” I cry, letting my head fall back on the pillow. “And I’m going to try French fries dipped in ice cream.”

I run my fingers through his hair, feeling the silky texture one more time. “And, when I have s’mores, I’ll make an extra one for you. When I hear our favorite songs, I’ll dance for you. I’ll do anything for you. I’ll do it all for you.”

I press my lips to his one last time before burying my face in his t-shirt.

It could have been two minutes later, or two hours later, when Daniel comes in and says something about taking Asher away. I don’t move as two hands gently pull me away from him. I watch as they cover him with a white sheet and take him from the room.

I sit quietly on the chair in the corner, bouncing my leg up and down as I watch the world move in slow motion around me. These are people who don’t know me, who didn’t know Asher. Most of them look sad, but they don’t feel what I feel right now. They haven’t just said goodbye to someone they love.

This is the loneliest, saddest place I’ve ever been.

I would give my life for one more dance, one more fishing trip . . . one more chance to make love, maybe under the stars this time. It’s amazing how many times in life I’ve said, “I want to do that someday,” not thinking that someday might never come. I will never take someday for granted again.

I’ve held him for the last time.

I’ve kissed him for the last time.

But I’ll think about him always and love him forever.

W
HEN
I
WALK
INTO
A
SHER
’
S
HOUSE
sometime later, my eyes are locked on his bedroom door. Maybe if I stare at it long enough, he’ll come walking through it, and this will all have been a terrible misunderstanding. But it’s all a delusion; a big hopeless delusion.

Tears flow from my eyes. I don’t even bother wiping them away because they will just continue to dampen my cheeks. I don’t have the energy or the strength to care. I’m emotionally and physically numb.

After they took Asher away, his mom left. She wants to fly home and get Aubrey so we can all plan the funeral. I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but I ended up going home with Daniel.

As I stare at the plain walls, I pray again for the nightmare to end, but deep down inside, I know it’s an impossible dream. I would give up everything to have him back. Everything.

Daniel sits next to me, but I can’t bring myself to look at his face. He’s the only other person in this town who knew Asher. And now, we’re the only two people in this town who are mourning the loss of him.
He may be the only person who can understand what I’m going through right now. It gives us a bond that will connect us forever.

Biting down on my lip, I eye his brown leather shoes as he stands and walks through the living room. As soon as he disappears from sight, I hear crying; deep, painful, screeches. I break down all over again. I wish I was strong enough to comfort him right now, but I can’t even do anything for my own broken, tortured heart. Instead, it makes me feel the extreme gravity of the situation.

Asher’s never coming back.

Life’s not fair. Life’s often complicated, leaving us to deal with things that we shouldn’t have to. Life can make you smile one day, only to leave you broken into tiny little pieces the next.

I wrap my arms around my legs and rest my chin on my knees. I cry uncontrollably as I close my eyes and picture his face.

Asher’s dad must have called my mom because she walked into the house not long after. As soon as I saw her, I fell apart. I’ve never needed my mom more. She quickly moves toward me and pulls me into her arms.

“I’m so sorry,” she says, resting her head on mine. “I’m so, so sorry.”

I can’t form words as I grip her green knit sweater in my hands and bury my face into the fabric.

“He’s not in pain anymore,” she says, running her fingers through my hair. We remain in the same place, embraced in each other’s arms for several minutes. I’m trying to process everything that happened today while she gives me a soft place to land.

“We’re going to get through this,” she whispers against my ear.

“I love you,” I say, burying my face in her sweater. I want to make sure she knows it, today more than ever. I will never take someone who I love for granted again.

She steps back, holding my face in her hands. “I’ve loved you since the day the doctor told me I was pregnant. And, every day that love grows stronger, especially when I see the kind, caring woman you’ve become.”

We stay in the middle of the living room, holding each other a little longer. After my body stops trembling, my mom wipes my face with a tissue and helps me sit back down on the couch. “I’m going to go see if Daniel needs anything, and then I’m going to take you home.”

I nod, unable to speak through the constant sniffles that remain. When she disappears into the kitchen, I take the opportunity to sneak off into Asher’s room one last time. I’m not expecting the rush of emotions that hit me as soon as I open the door. The room holds so many memories, and as they flash through my mind, I lean my back against the wall and sink to the ground. Tears well up in my eyes as I glance around the room. It’s where we shared our first and only dance. It’s where we made love for the first time and the last. It’s where we talked about the future we would never get to see together. It’s where I learned what happiness is. It’s where I learned that life is meant to be lived.

God, I’m going to miss Asher. I’m going to miss him so much.

“Kate, where are you?” my mom asks from the hallway. I stand and grab the bag of clothes I had left there before answering her back.

“I’m in Asher’s room,” I reply back, sitting down on the edge of his bed. I notice his guitar resting against his dresser and more beautiful memories come back to me. I’m going to miss that too.

“Hey, what are you doing in here?” she asks, opening the door. She takes one look at me and sits down, wrapping me tight in her arms again. “Hey, it’s going to be okay. I know it hurts right now, and if there were anything I could do to make it better, I would. I hate to see you going through this.”

Daniel walks in, resting his shoulder against the door jam. His eyes look sad and bloodshot.
I can hear him talking to my mom, but their voices are muffled by my grief. It’s hard to concentrate on anything but what I’ve just lost.

Tears pour down my face as I watch Daniel talk to my mom, recognizing every feature that he and Asher share.
They have the same defined cheekbones, the same perfectly pouty lips and the same shade of blue in their eyes.

I never want to forget him.

 “I’m glad he met you, Kate,” Daniel says, wiping a tear from under his eye. He leaves the room without saying another word.

I glance around, trying to see through my blurred eyes. One of his worn t-shirts sticks out from under the bed. Scooping it up, I bring it to my nose to take in the familiar scent. Until it wears off, I plan on falling asleep with it next to me every night.

“I think I’m ready to go,” I whisper, standing with my back to the wall.

“Okay, I’m going to drive you home.”

“No, I can drive. Besides, I need a few minutes to myself.”

She stands in front of me and closes her arms around me again. “Don’t argue with me. You’re in no shape to drive yourself.”

There’s no point in arguing with her. I don’t have the strength, and I know she’s right. “Fine.”

“I love you, Kate,” she says, kissing my forehead.

“I love you, too.”

She leaves the room, leaving me alone to say my goodbye. I take one more look at the familiar ivory curtains and see rain pelting the windows.

I really need Asher right now.