Randa (19 page)

John sat motionless as he watched and listened to the interview. He seemed to be spellbound.
God, how I love Randa.
He was thoroughly enjoying just seeing her again, even if it was only on a computer screen. Randa looked a bit thinner, but she was still the ravishing beauty whose very essence had tiptoed into every cell of his being claiming him as her own. He admired her smart, yet fresh answers. Not only did he think she was the classiest lady on planet Earth, he marveled at her impassioned resolve to help people grow not only in love, but in life too. When Jill asked Randa if she had written her latest song with someone specific in mind, John sucked in his breath and waited for her response just as the studio audience had. When she replied that yes, she did and that he had ended their relationship without an explanation, John exhaled deeply and sighed because there was no doubt to whom she was referring. He listened as she talked about him with a sense of graciousness. Hearing that being apart had been just as difficult for her, was a bit comforting to John. It helped to reiterate his belief of how special and exceptional the relationship was. Jill asked Randa if she was still in love with him. As she said “no” and a tear began to roll down her cheek, John thought he was going to be sick and throw up. The video ended and he pushed the replay button and watched it again. Once over, John stood up with all of blood seemingly drained from his face. He suddenly looked as if he had aged ten years and deep regret covered his face as he left the house.

Getting into his truck, he slammed the door and started the ignition. Molly Hatchet’s “Flirtin’ with Disaster” began playing through the speakers. John turned up the volume to the maximum and Danny Joe Brown’s deep, raspy, throaty growl filled the cab.

John stomped hard on the gas pedal knowing that he wasn’t strong enough to go to Randa. The tires squealed as he tore out of the driveway in his four-wheel drive dually. Fox came out of the barn just in time to look in the distance and see the thick choking dust rolling over the road as John’s truck slid around the sharp corner.

Randa awoke with a start. She felt as if someone was there with her. Sitting up and looking quickly around the darkened room, she saw nothing out of the ordinary. She sighed and exhaled deeply, realizing that it must have been a dream. Everything was completely still, except for the ceiling fan blades whirling quietly over her head steadily pushing out puffs of cool air downward toward her. Randa fluffed her feather pillows and laid back down pulling the covers up around her neck as she turned onto her side. She closed her eyes and then she felt him. John’s presence was so close to her, sharing the same air and snuggling up behind her. He pushed her hair to the side and began planting soft baby kisses on the back of her neck. Loving every sensational moment that her imagination was granting her senses, Randa delighted in the feel of his lips brushing against her skin, sending chills throughout her body adding to the familiar yearning and burning desire that she always felt for him. She relaxed and enjoyed John’s gentle loving; surrendering to the sweet kisses instead of chasing them away even though she knew that opening her eyes would guarantee a return to the stifling pain of his absence.

“Randa?” John sat up in a desperate jerking motion. Confused as to why he was calling out her name, he looked down on the bed and saw that she wasn’t lying next to him. It took only a moment and then the realization that her love was no longer his jolted him like a hard slap stinging across the face.

“This can’t continue,” John stated aloud to himself. He reached up and touched the cold sweat that has collected on his commanding forehead. Rubbing it between his fingers, he lowered his head, never believing that anyone could have brought him to his knees like this. Now he could no longer even elude her with sleep. She was invading his dreams. Her tender, loving, and kind heart beckoned him each night. He simply wanted to forget all about her and not be able to recall how good her love felt. That was all. It didn’t seem like a whole lot to ask.

But somehow even with his attempts at escaping it, Randa’s essence seemed to have crawled into the very depths of his heart and soul and wouldn’t budge, no matter how hard he tried to dismiss her from his thoughts.

Missing Randa was causing him so much misery. He ached for her. It had been almost three years and John still hadn’t figured out how to claw his way through the pain of her absence. This pain was unlike anything that he had never felt before. It was like being in a huge hailstorm. No matter which way you turned it was everywhere, pelting you. Take two steps in any direction and you are always surrounded, being assaulted by its sharp and relentless sting.

John couldn’t imagine his life without her and for good reason. There was no living without Randa.

All of this time without her, I’ve merely been existing. I’ve never been able to cross the bridge to the point that she would become just a memory. Her love set my soul on fire, just as her love filled every want and need that I could ever have. More importantly, I have always loved her so very much. Loving someone and being loved in return makes life worth living. And Randa holds the key.

John opened his wallet and unfolded the note, so that he could read her words once again.

My Dearest John,

You are my first thought when I wake up in the morning and my last thought before I sleep at night.

You are one million thoughts sprinkled throughout my day that make my heart soar.

You tugged on my heartstrings and opened my eyes to endless possibilities when I was beginning to grow weary.

You make me feel alive and vivacious and excited!

You are sweet and fun and caring and considerate!

You make me smile and laugh and giggle!

You are good-looking, sexy and handsome!

You are oh so hot and yet so very cool!

You make bad days instantly forgettable when I see your wonderful smile!

Your loving presence in my heart, mind and soul leaves me in awe.

You are the soothing soft whisper always deep inside of me.

I hunger for you and all that you are!

You are leading me to our Paradise!

We will be best friends and playmates!

We will be lovers and soul mates!

We will be confidants and companions!

We will be sweethearts and partners in crime!

What an incredible love we will share and what an amazing relationship and life we will build!

You are making my biggest dream come true just by being you John!

Sending you one million kisses for the millions of moments that we are apart.

Love,

Your Randa

Randa had sent him the love note when they were dating while he was working in Prudhoe Bay. Those words, which were once so sweet and real, were now just bittersweet.

I would swim the Arctic Ocean just to hold you, if only…

Oh the things that have shattered men’s minds. To heck with ‘if only.’ This will destroy me if I don’t do what I must do.
John picked up his cell phone off the nightstand. He found the pilot’s number and hit the call button.

“Pete, I need a flight to the lower 48 as soon as possible.”

One of the advantages of having a very successful business was having a company plane and pilot at your disposal. John rarely used it for more than going to Anchorage or Oklahoma, but it was definitely a luxury that he appreciated.

The thought of what he was about to do sent chills through every nerve in his body, but he felt firm resolve. Randa was the most gorgeous and loving person that he had ever met. He could not live without her. He was flying to Nashville and he was going to tell her so.

John tried to relax and calm his nerves by listening to music on the long flight. Reflecting on how things had gotten so messed up and out of his control, John knew that his fear had penetrated and dominated his mind. After feeling numb for so long, he was very excited about seeing her. He actually felt giddy. Wow, how he loved Randa! There was just no way to measure it, because it continued on and on. It was truly never-ending. It felt so good to let himself run barefoot and carefree through their memories enjoying and embracing them instead of always trying to suppress them. He felt free after being chained to his fear for so long. He was going to throw his arms around her, hold her, and never ever let her go. He missed her so badly, especially her pure goodness. He couldn’t wait to hold her beautiful face in his hands. Whenever he did that she would always look up at him through her long, lovely eyelashes, which accented her doe-like eyes, and then he would put his lips upon hers and kiss her wildly. Her touch alone made him melt and his desire to be inside of her would be running rampant. He was absolutely starving for her.

“We will be landing at Nashville International Airport in approximately 20 minutes,” Pete announced.

John roused himself. He had closed his eyes for just a few moments, so that nothing would interfere with his thoughts, but he had inadvertently fallen asleep. It was close to midnight, so John planned to check into a hotel for the night.

Ringing Randa’s doorbell the next morning, there was no answer. John knew that she was in Nashville because Fox had mentioned that Taylor’s sister was getting married on Saturday at Taylor’s home and Randa would be there.

He decided to come back in a couple of hours. After lunch and buying Randa a heart-shaped ruby charm for her bracelet, he looked at engagement rings. He couldn’t believe that he was actually going to buy one, but it felt so right. He was going to ask Randa to marry him, which is what he should have done in the first place! He drove back to her apartment. He knew that she might not be there, but he wanted it to be a total surprise, so he would be patient for as long as possible. After still no answer, John returned to his hotel room and began to pace. He had been so excited about seeing her; he hadn’t even imagined that he might not be able to find her. Maybe she was staying at Taylor’s since the wedding was so close, but no, Taylor’s parents would likely be staying there. John told himself to calm down and to not panic. He had actually only been trying to see her for a couple of hours now. Turning on the television, John found an old Clint Eastwood movie airing. He had watched
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
a dozen times, but he never got tired of the classic. After a third unsuccessful attempt at reaching Randa at home, John returned to the hotel and dialed Randa’s number. There was no answer, so he decided to leave a voice message.

“Hi Randa, this is John. I am in Nashville because I have to see you. I tried reaching you at your apartment today, but you weren’t home. I have some things that I need and want to tell you Baby Doll. It’s very important. I am staying at the Loews Vanderbilt Hotel. Please come and see me or give me a call. I will be waiting to hear from you for however long I have to.” John pressed the ‘end’ button on his phone, set it down and began to wait.

Brad heard her phone ringing. Picking it up, he glanced at the screen and did a double take when he saw the name ‘John.’ There’s no way, he thought to himself. Randa had always expected him to call eventually. John hadn’t called her in almost three years and now he was calling? She was finally letting her guard down for me, Brad thought. This will blow any chance that I might have. He saw the message light begin to blink. He walked lightly across the floor and checked to see that Randa was still talking to the executive producer. He returned to the table, picked up her phone, pressed the voicemail button, and then tapped on John’s name. He listened to the message. He could hear the optimism in John’s deep, masculine voice. Oh no, Brad thought to himself, if Randa hears this message I will never have a chance with her. Quickly he thought for a moment. The delete button was right there. He paused, but then he heard footsteps coming toward him. He pressed the button and then he quickly erased John’s name from the call log. Then he sat Randa’s phone down just as she entered the room.

“Brad, did someone call me?” Randa asked.

“No. Why?”

“I saw you set my phone down.”

“Oh no, I was just checking the time.”

“Okay,” Randa responded as she glanced at the watch on Brad’s wrist. “I’m going home.”

“Would you like to go out to dinner tonight?”

“No thanks, Brad. Tomorrow is a big day, so I’ll see you then.”

“Okay, goodnight Randa,” Brad replied obviously disappointed.

“Goodnight,” she said as she picked up her purse and strolled out the door.

At the stroke of midnight, John gave up and quit checking his phone every hour. He never would have believed, even in a million years that she wouldn’t have called him or came to his hotel room. Inside he was devastated, but what could he really expect? It had been a long time since they were together. She had said in that television interview that she was moving on with her life. How could he have realistically expected her to wait for him? He never gave her any indication that he would come back. He never responded when she contacted him. She has most likely moved on with her life, he thought to himself. She could be taken, engaged, or possibly even married by now. He had always assumed that Fox would tell him if Randa was serious about someone, but the first time that Fox and John had talked after he had left Randa, Fox brought up her name and John shut him down immediately, so Fox had never mentioned her again. Of course, John was always dying to ask about her, but he wouldn’t dare. After all, it would serve him right if she was living happily ever after with someone else. What a complete idiot he had been!

Well maybe there is still a chance that I can at least see her before I leave, John thought to himself. If I could just look into her face and see if the joy is still there, I would be satisfied. Well no, I wouldn’t be, but it would be better than nothing at all.

The next afternoon John went by Randa’s apartment one final time, but she wasn’t home. Surely, she would have listened to the message by now John thought to himself. He drove toward Taylor’s house hoping to see some sign of Randa, but Taylor’s estate was gated and John didn’t want anyone to know that he was there if Randa didn’t want to see him. John decided to wait another forty-eight hours for her. John decided to go to The Wildhorse Saloon to pass some time and eat dinner.