Ray of Sunlight (16 page)

To lighten the mood a little, I flicked him on the end of the nose and said, “Could I please have the real CJ back now, and get rid of this pod person I’ve been dealing with all week?”

He smiled, caught my wrist, pulled me up to a stand, then hugged me around the middle. I kissed his head, and whispered. “I can’t believe you actually thought….”

He leaned up, said, “I was stupid. Let’s just forget about it,” and pulled me into a kiss. As if by magic, I actually
did
forget about it… at least for the length of the kiss that threatened to steal my breath away.

A
PPARENTLY
, CJ
wasn’t the only one keeping track of my community service hours. Either that or Mrs. Dietrich notified Allen. And just when I had stopped thinking of her as Attila? I certainly still thought of Allen as the warden. He proved it yet again that weekend.

I got up as always, on Saturday morning, just in time to rush out to the hospital, though I had long since started taking an earlier bus so I could get there around ten or so and spend all day with CJ. We were on our last mural, at least as far as the wards went. Mrs. Barton had approached me about painting the walls in the lobby too, but I hadn’t come up with those designs yet.

I grabbed a Pop-Tart and a banana… same as always, and rushed toward the door.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Allen grabbed the back of my shirt just as I reached the doorway. Even with CJ’s influence following me home, I almost rounded on him and hit him square in the face.

“To the hospital, same as always.” I gave him my best “duh” look.

“Your community service is finally over, you little delinquent. It’s time you started earning your keep around here again.” I could tell by the look on his face that he had been waiting for this day for a while. He shoved a huge list in my face and told me he expected it all done today.

“I can’t do all this. I have to be at the hospital.”

“Why, to hang out with your little queer friend?” Somehow, and it was inconceivable to me just how, Allen had never found out about me and CJ. He never called me queer, just CJ. It irked me, and I wanted to shout it in his face a half-dozen times, but CJ had convinced me to keep a low profile as far as the ’rents went. Pete, bless him, had never said a word.

“I’ve got to work on the mural,” I said matter-of-factly.

“Your chores are more important than graffiti on the hospital walls.”

“It’s hardly graffiti.” I didn’t yell. I really didn’t. At least not on the outside. Inside I was calling him all sorts of derogatory shit. “I’m getting paid to do it.”

“Your chores here come first. Now get to that list.”

“Eat shit.” I pushed past him and started toward the door again. He kicked out and swept my legs from under me and grabbed my arm and pulled it behind my back.

“You ungrateful little shit. You will get to those chores right now. And not only will you not leave this house until you get them done, you will not eat until you get them done either.”

As I lay there in the open doorway, I could see the bus pass by the house. The actual bus stop was around the corner, but even if I managed to get up right this minute, I couldn’t get there fast enough to catch it. And, Allen must have seen it too, because he just tightened his grip and held on for a while longer.

By the time he let me up, I had no way to get to the hospital. Pete had already left the house and was meeting the youth group for some service project or another. Mom had to work, so she’d be gone all day.

I tried to get to the phone a half-dozen times, but every time I did, Allen was right there. I was getting the chores done—just well enough not to give him reason to make me do it again—as quickly as I could, with the hope that he really would let me go to the hospital if I finished them. Of course, the bus only ran at certain times, and by the time the last one left, I knew I wouldn’t be going that day.

I wondered what the people at the hospital thought. Why didn’t they call to see if I was running late or something? I had never been late before. Around three o’clock, I found out the answer to that.

“I’ve told you the million other times you’ve called, he’s not here. I have no idea where he is or when he’ll be back.” Allen was practically yelling into the phone. “It’s not my fault the little shit ran out on you.”

God, he’d been telling whoever was on the phone… presumably someone from the hospital… that I
chose
not to come today? Oh shit, what if that was CJ? What would he think? It was after seven before I got all the shit done that Allen told me to do. I went to the phone as soon as I was finished. He had unplugged the damned thing and had taken the cord. After all, no one else really needed it; he, Mom, and Pete all had cell phones. I tried to get out the back door a couple of times, and even out the front again once, but somehow he was always there. He told me to go to my room and stay there, and I wished there was a trellis or a tree or anything remotely usable for climbing down, like there always seemed to be in the movies. But there wasn’t. I almost just jumped out of the damned thing, and the possible broken leg be damned. God, this couldn’t have come at a worst time. CJ was already doubting me, it seemed, and now I let him down… without even contacting him.

P
ETE
FINALLY
came in around nine.

“Hey, man.” I rushed into his room as soon as he entered it. “I need to borrow your phone.”

“Why?” I could actually tell he wasn’t being difficult; he just wanted to know.

“Your father kept me here all day doing every damned chore on the planet and wouldn’t let me call the hospital to tell them where I was. Worse, they apparently were calling off and on all day, and he told them he didn’t know where I was and that I ran out on them.”

“They know that’s not like you, though,” he said, but he was fishing his phone out of his pocket at the same time. “You could just wait until tomorrow to explain. You planned to go then too, right? It’s awfully late to call now.”

“No, I have to call tonight,” I insisted. “You didn’t see CJ’s face yesterday. He’s been waiting for me to not show up all week. He has kept better track of my community service hours than I had. He actually thought I’ve still been going there so much because of the damned hours.”

“Oh, Russ.” He did actually seem sympathetic. “That can’t be right. CJ knows you love him.”

“I thought so too, but he was acting weird all week. I finally got it out of him that he was waiting for me to stop coming.” I had taken the phone by then but wanted to say one more thing before I called. “His chemo has really been kicking his ass lately, and the docs say they don’t think it’s helping anymore. He’s just waiting to die at this point, and I will
not
be the reason that beautiful boy gives up fighting.”

Pete nodded and gestured toward the phone, so I called the hospital.

I finally got connected to the right ward but didn’t recognize the voice of the nurse who answered. Of course, this was night shift by now, and I didn’t have as much familiarity with them.

“I need to talk to CJ Calhoun,” I said without preamble.

“We don’t let patients take calls this late at night. CJ is probably already asleep anyway.”

I didn’t know how I was going to convince her. I thought of just asking Pete to run me up there, but I knew they wouldn’t let me in. Visiting hours were long over. But then I heard a voice in the background.

“Is that for CJ?”

The nurse must have nodded or something because I didn’t hear any answer, but then I heard the background voice say,
“Give me the phone.”

I knew who it was as soon as she answered. Barbara usually worked daylight, but I knew she was going to help out a lady with a new baby and pick up a couple of her night shifts here and there.

“Russell Michaels, is that you?”
Her tone was scarier than Allen’s when he was pissed. And her opinion mattered to me a lot more, but she only paused long enough for me to answer “yes,” and then she was off.
“Do you know CJ cried today? I have never seen that boy cry. Not ever. No matter how much pain he’s dealt with, or how much heartache with his family. It’s bad enough you strung him along and downright lied to him about not stopping your visits, but….”

“Whoa, wait, Barb, you need to hear me out. It wasn’t my fault.”

“It never is, is it? I heard about how you were when you first started, and I even saw a little of it. I thought you grew up.”

“Damn it, Barb, let me explain!” That at least got her to shut up long enough for me to tell her what happened. Then I added. “I would never hurt CJ… not on purpose, and not if I could help it. I’ve been trying to get to the phone all day. And when you all called, Allen lied. I’ve been right here, I swear, Barb. You know I love CJ. You have to know that!”

“You really hurt him, Russ.”
At least her voice was calmer.

“Please let me talk to him. I have to explain. I would never just not show up like that. I just wouldn’t. But I know he’s been feeling insecure. I need to talk to him. Please, Barb.”

For some reason, she took pity on me but then warned.
“If I hear tell that you said anything to upset him….”

“I’ll take anything you want to dish out, Barb. I really will. I hate that I hurt him, even unintentionally. Please let me make it right.”

“I’ll go see if he wants to talk to you.”

“He probably doesn’t. I know I wouldn’t if the roles were reversed.
Make
him talk to me. Please.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

She put me on hold, and that awful Muzak was probably part of my punishment. But I really would take anything she wanted to dish out. I deserved it for hurting him, even if I had tried not to. Somewhere along the line, CJ had become the absolute most important person in the world to me, and I hated that he was hurting. I couldn’t do anything about the physical pain, but now I had added emotional pain. I couldn’t stand that.

“Hello?”
There was such question in his voice. My poor CJ. He was always so strong for everyone else, but the inner CJ? The one he had finally let me see? Pure marshmallow.

“CJ. God, I’m so sorry. Please let me explain. It definitely was
not
my idea not to come today. Let me explain.”

I barely heard what I thought might have been “okay,” so I told him everything that had transpired all day. I could hear his breath catch a couple of times, and it sounded like he was crying. I expected Barbara back on the phone any minute now; though, come to think of it, she was probably just on her way here to kill me in person.

“CJ, why are you crying? Don’t you believe me?”

“I believe you, Russ. I’m just relieved.”

“Damn it, CJ. You have to trust me not to do shit like that to you. Not to
you
! Never!”

“I know… or… I wanted to know.”
He caught his breath and tried again.
“I’ve just been so emotional lately.”

“God, CJ. You have every right to be. And I’m sorry I added to that. I really am.”

“Are you coming tomorrow? Or will he have more chores for you then?”

“CJ. I swear to God, somehow I will get there tomorrow. I don’t care what Asshole does.” I saw Pete wince when I said that. I was talking about his father after all, but he made a gesture of covering an invisible phone in his hand, so I told CJ to wait a second to see what Pete had to say. I would give him a chance, but if he started taking up for that shithead of a father of his….

“Knowing Dad,” he started, and I already was getting more wary, “he probably does have more chores for you for tomorrow.” I guess he heard CJ over the phone. I was standing rather close to him after all. I was so worried about getting to talk to CJ, I hadn’t even bothered to step away when I had taken the phone. But, he was still talking. “I know he’s had that stuck in his craw for a while now. But I have a plan.”

I told CJ as much and put the phone on speaker.

“CJ. Hey, this is Pete. Dad really can be an asshole. I’m sorry he made this happen today.” He waited only long enough for CJ to say something about it being okay or he understood or something. I wasn’t really paying attention. I wanted to know about the plan. “Anyway, CJ,” Pete went on, “I had wanted to get to church early tomorrow. The youth group is having a potato bar fund-raiser, so I’ll drag sleeping beauty here out of bed at the same time. The friend I usually ride with isn’t going that early, so I have to drive anyway. Dad knows that and won’t get up that early. So I’ll bring Russ up when I leave. He can just stay all day, and I’ll pick him up as late as I can. In fact, if you don’t mind, I’d love to come up in the afternoon and hang out for a while… see the mural… help if I can… whatever.”

“Just getting Russ here will be helping a lot. But you’re always welcome, of course.”

“Sounds like a plan, then. He’ll see you bright and early.”

I took the phone off speaker and moved away finally, lowering my voice. Pete picked up on the change in mood.

“Take the phone to your room, Russ. Just get it back to me in the morning.”

It was a nice gesture, but I knew CJ wouldn’t be able to stay awake long.

“Are you in your room or at the nurses’ station?” I asked him.

“My room. They transferred the call in here when I told Barb I wanted to talk to you. She stuck around for a little while… probably to make sure you were going to be nice. She’s gone now.”

The conversation turned intimate. Not sexual really. I had thought about trying phone sex, but I doubted I’d ever be able to get the nerve to do that, even if this was the time for it, which it wasn’t. CJ was getting tired and needed his rest, but I had to connect with him on an emotional level first. I had to assure him that I loved him. I had to know he was okay before I finally hung up the phone about a half hour later.